THE HERALD WAR GAMES INVESTIGATIONS PART TWO
We cut away from our regular programming to a wonderful little pre-recorded segment from earlier in the week.
Why this segment was recorded earlier in the week you might be asking yourself. Or you’re skimming and you don’t care, in which case, fuck you, buddy, it’s a great question to ask!
Sometime before ReVival 43, let us say a random Tuesday. Yeah, the Tuesday before ReVival! Nobody knows the results of the Title matches, nobody knows what the title picture even looks like yet!
..because it’s the Tuesday before ReVival 43.
A pair of Herald slippers touches down on a freshly mowed lawn. His bright eyes stared at the home set out in front of him.
It’s not much to look at, just an average house in an average suburban neighborhood. A white SUV is parked conspicuously in the driveway.
“We have arrived! Arrived at Casa Du Ava-” The Herald stops mid sentence as he begins to sniff the air. “..it smells..”
The sniffs the air a little more aggressively, the bells on his baby blue tunic jingling comically as he does so.
He wrinkles his nose before retrieving a small perfume bottle from his pocket labeled “old money” by Franchesca Murado-Farthington. He sprays it into the air around him, taking a few breaths before sighing. The sighing is quickly replaced by aggressive, angry coughing, likely the after effect of huffing smelly air. He recovers after a few moments before shuffling up to the front door.
He doesn’t actually ring the bell, instead he just yells it out loud at the door.
It takes a few moments before the door opens and the Herald comes face to face with a short woman, hair in equal parts black and pink. Her gaze of brown eyes are thoroughly furrowed before she turns around and shouts behind her.
Annabelle Avalon: Honey, it’s for you!
After a short moment, the better half steps aside and allows the soon-to-be-named Captain of the eGG Bandits to stand at the doorway.
Coral Avalon: …Hello, Bentley, how are you doing? Why are you here? How did you find out where I lived?
The Herald: That’s three questions! I am contractually obligated to answer two in the form of a sentence and one in the form of SONG AND DANCE!
Before Coral can respond the Herald swings a lute from over his shoulder and begins to strum it madly. There is suddenly a flood of activity on Coral’s lawn as several other Heralds run up behind Bentley to form a chorus line.
The Herald: The first question! How am I doing? I am doing SWIMMINGLY! Not really though, I can’t swim, never understood that phrase.
He mimics drowning as the green, red, orange and purple Heralds pretend to be the water around him.
The Herald: The second question! Why am I here?! To investigate you for WAR GAMES! You are a leader of the eGG Bandits and Friends War Games Team are you not?! Don’t answer, our audience already knows the answer to that question! …and for the third question..
The Heralds seem to argue with each other for a moment before Bentley waves them all back into line. Two short buses pull up to the street outside Coral’s house as the marching band from last ReVival piles out onto the lawn.
The Herald: How did I find out where you lived?!
Coral stares at the Herald and his Heraldettes for a long moment. It’s so long in fact that his wife has time to reappear by his side.
With a broadsword.
Coral pays his wife a glance and then realizes what’s wrong with the situation and is very quick to put himself between her and the Herald(s).
Coral Avalon: Whoa, hang on. Let’s not do that, Annie.
Annabelle Avalon: Do you have any idea what you’re doing? I mean…
Annabelle’s eyes meet the camera.
Annabelle Avalon: Is this being FILMED!?
Coral turns to see what his wife is looking at, and grimaces. Oh, yeah. They’re being pre-recorded for ReVival 43, and that can’t be good for their privacy.
Coral Avalon: Apparently.
He turns to the Herald.
Coral Avalon: Is this the part where you, uh… expect me to give you an itemized list of all of our weaknesses?
At the sight of the broadsword the rainbow collection of Heralds let out a panicked scream, a nervous energy overtaking them. Bentley eyes the sword, eyes Annabelle and then turns to look at Coral. Whatever words were traded between the married couple and the Herald is lost on him. His face says he’s trying to figure something out. Some great puzzle.. Then it dawns on him.
The Herald: A broad with a sword! I get it! Ha-ha! Anyway, boys! The song!
The rabble behind the Herald falls back in line as the marching band tune up their instruments. It starts with a snare drum and some percussion. It is then joined by some soft horns as the tell-tale opening notes of “I’ll make a man outta you” from Mulan.
The Herald: Last chance before I start singing!
Coral Avalon: Look, Bentley, you don’t have to start singing like it’s a big threat or anything. We could have a nice, civil conversation at my front door like a pair of adults.
Coral holds his straight face for a few moments before he dawns on him that, no, that’s definitely not how this is going to end.
Coral Avalon: …Annie, maybe you should call the police.
The Herald: Smart idea! Everyone back up onto the street! Here we go!
The mass of a marching band, the rainbow Heralds and a few dancers who have now shown up out of nowhere are sure to be standing on public property as the Herald spins back around toward Avalon and Annabelle. He then begins to dance. And by Dance I mean he jigs with his elbows high and his feet kicking to either side.
♪♫♩ Let’s get down to business, to discuss the teams! I came to see Coral’s bright forehead beams! Like the saddest brunch I’ll ever get, after ten or so hours you take a big poo! Coral, I’ve got to interview you! ♪♫♩
The Herald sings and is joined by the rainbow Heralds who mimic the Herald’s unique jig though not quite as well as he is. And that is being very charitable to the Herald as his own dance is barely enough to qualify as a dance. More like random neurons firing causing the young man’s body to convulse in tune with the marching band planning behind him.
♪♫♩ Steady as a Bandit, all yokey from within! Yellow ooze in the center, War Games you can’t wiiiiin! Your forehead’s girth is massive and a lot, Annabelle’s your special beau! Yet somehow, I’ve got to interview you! ♪♫♩
Electric slide time? Maybe, if the Herald knew what that was! Instead the Rainbow Heralds and Bentley engage in some weird square dancing like spinning, swirling thing and results in the Herald mimicking a War Games entrance. There is a lot to explain there and you’re only getting that. Congrats.
The whole time, Coral is pinching the bridge of his nose like he has a giant headache. How much sleep has he had? Who knows! Even Coral doesn’t. All he knows is that… yup, this is the second-worst dancing he’s ever seen in his life.
Coral Avalon: …Someone fetch me some damn aspirin.
Almost as soon as the words left his mouth, Annabelle hands him a bottle of the stuff. Coral does a double-take over how fast she retrieved it, but he doesn’t argue with it. He takes two aspirin and dry swallows them, and then clearly regrets that decision as he beholds the scene before him.
Coral Avalon: So, you’re… here to interview me. On my front lawn. With a marching band. I’m gonna be honest, Bentley, I’m not quite sure what you’re hoping to accomplish here.
The Herald: Technically we’re on the street, Mister Avalon!
Before the Alias Champion has a chance to return the musical flow overtakes the Heralds attention, drawing him back into his song and dance number!
♪♫♩ I’m never gonna try that meth, say goodbye to all my teeth! Boy, you’ll end up sick losing a limb! This guy got’em a team of death, hope Hessian doesn’t cause a beef, though he does strike me as kind of dumb! ♪♫♩
The Sub-Marquis is picked up by the rainbow of Heralds and twirled around as he continues to sing. A few of the rainbow Heralds break away and produce small puppets of everyone on Coral’s War Games team. Two of them control a Hessian puppet who looks like it was created by a kindergarten glass.
Hessian Puppet: Tesla! Murder Show! Green Energy! Depth of Character!
The Herald lowers back down as he kicks the Puppet out of his rainbow Herald’s hands. Like an angry child double stomping a bug that offended their eyes, the Herald puts the boots to the horrible Hessian puppet. Everyone stops and stares at the Heralds little fit of range. It lasts about five awkward seconds. Once he finishes he looks up at Coral, tears welling up in beady little Herald eyes.
♪♫♩ You’re unsuited for the rage of war so pack up, go home, you’re through! Why the hell would I ever interview… YooooooOooOOooOOOU!!? ♪♫♩
Once the music finishes the Herald throws a smoke bomb down on the ground. It barely produces enough smoke to hide a large mouse, or perhaps a small rat, but it’s all the group needs. The Herald screeches for a full retreat as the marching band piles back into the two short buses.
The Rainbow Heralds pick up the Sub-Marquis Bentley Tennyson Primrose-Farthington who keeps his eyes locked on Coral. He offers a wave and a tooth grin as he is carried away by his rainbow Heralds however one trips and the whole pile collapses.
Coral Avalon (shouting): I am home, though! Thanks! See you at work!
Coral turns to his wife, who still carries her broadsword in one hand and her cell phone in the other one. She steps out with the sword at hand, like she’s going to go after them and start swinging.
Coral Avalon: …Annie, please. Put that down.
Annabelle Avalon: I’m going to kill them, sweetie. They’re all going to die.
Coral Avalon: Yeah, but do you know how hard it is to get that much blood out of your clothes? Because I definitely do.
This information gives Annabelle some pause. That pause allows her to reconsider the situation and turn towards her husband instead.
Coral Avalon: What?
Annabelle Avalon: We’re going to have a long conversation. The one where I have the broadsword and you don’t.
Coral Avalon: Oh. Crap.
In the distance the gaggle of Heralds pick up their leader and shuffle off into the night.