PEOPLE THINK I’M INSANE BECAUSE I AM FROWNING ALL THE TIME
The camera cuts to the backstage area, where The Anglo Luchador, already in his gear for the main event, is standing by with Angelica Brooks. The crowd roars deafeningly for one of the two hometown superstars in tonight’s main event. After their cheer dies down, Angelica starts with her questioning.
Angelica Brooks: Alright, I’m here with one-half of our main event tonight, The Anglo Luchador. You’re facing a former Universal Champion in Cancer Jiles in a Philly Street Fight. What are your thoughts heading into the match?
TAL: Simple, Ang. I’ve got tunnel vision. Cancer Jiles might be a spineless, soulless, no-good dirty rotten eGG-sucking varmint, but honestly, there are more of him in this city than there are of me. I’m not saying that as a way to better myself from this town, because lord knows I’ve been in Cancer’s shoes before. I’m just saying, there’s no one more Philly in this match than him, and that’s what makes him dangerous.
Angelica Brooks: Are you at all worried about outside interference?
The Luchador strokes his chin for a moment before answering.
TAL: I mean, when Tony Gamble and Bobby Dean are lurking around, of course I am. But this is a Philly Street Fight. I ruled the Intense Division for half-a-year because I knew how to fight viciously and with eyes in the back of my head. Bobby might weigh more than the Liberty Bell, but he’s gotta catch me first. Tony Gamble might be quick, but you know what, Ang?
He turns to the camera and winks at it.
TAL: I’m sudden.
The crowd pops vociferously for one of TAL’s old catchphrases making an appearance.
Angelica Brooks: Well, it seems like you’re not lacking for confidence. One more question, you’ve been named to Jared Sykes’ War Games team. What is your reaction?
TAL: Well, I…
The Luchador interrupts himself, looking as if he just saw a ghost. His expression grows tortured and angry.
TAL: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!
The camera turns around to show Randall Schwartz, carrying a chopped cheese sandwich that he’s taken a couple of bites out of already.
Randall Schwartz: mouth full I doughntm gknowuh.
Both the Luchador and Brooks look at him with puzzled looks upon their faces.
Randall Schwartz: swallowing Sorry, sorry, just, cheesesteaks are overrated. Had to get a real sandwich. This chopped cheese is some real New York stuff!
TAL: Don’t play coy with me. Ivan sent you, didn’t he?
Randall looks at him like he has two heads.
TAL: DIDN’T HE?!?!?!
Randall drops his sandwich and puts his hands up to show he means no harm.
Randall Schwartz: Look, I just got hungry and I wanted to get a bite to eat, okay? I don’t care about you right now, hell, Ivan and Alexei barely keep me in the loop about their evil schemes anyway.
The shock in Schwartz’s eyes tells the story. The Luchador backs off.
TAL: Whatever, Jesus.
He reaches into his tights and grabs a 20-dollar bill, tossing it to Schwartz.
TAL: Here, go buy yourself a new sandwich. Sorry.
Randall takes the Jackson and scurries off. The Luchador, in embarrassment, turns around and walks off.
Angelica Brooks: Well, there’s another eventful Anglo Luchador interview segment in the books. Let’s check in with our newest signee, Fred Dick.
We fade to a video.