Shameless Product Shilling
We now cut to something that everyone loves in wrestling television entertainment…
SHAMELESS PRODUCT SHILLING!
A boy and two girls are enjoying some quality time on a playground in a green-screened park. Like most kids these days, swing sets, slides, and see-saws just don’t have the same appeal as they once did. Presently, the group of little ungrateful turds are camped out at the sandbox, occasionally sifting some of the dirt and looking completely uninterested.
Boy: This is boring!
Girl #1: Yeah! I hate my parents for bringing me here!
Girl #2: Me too. I wish we had some cool new toys to play with!
Boy: Yeah, or at the very least a hot new outfit!
Suddenly, a beam of bright light shines down from the heavens above. Along with that beam and hanging from a VERY visible system of pulleys and ropes is none other than the Baeblade herself. Idaho’s own Muriel Puddings, who is dressed in a very cheap-looking superhero costume, is lowered down directly on top of a sand castle, smashing it upon impact.
Muriel Puddings: Well, kids, you’re in luck! Because boy do I have some CRAP for you!
The camera focuses on three elated youthful faces, as they all scream out in unison.
Kids: IT’S MURIEL’S STUFF!
Girl #1: But what kind of stuff can we buy, Muriel?
Muriel Puddings: I’m glad you asked that, Snorgret!
Girl #1: My name’s actually Madison.
Ignoring her, Muriel closes her eyes and extends her hand, and with a magical “poof,” the latest Muriel and Tapioca Puddings action figures appear there!
Madison (Girl #1): Whoa, cool! Now I can be Muriel any time I want!
Muriel hands Madison the dolls, who then proceeds to begin to mimic the two in action.
Muriel Doll: HEY, Tapioca, I thought I told you to stay put! Being buried up to the neck is an important part of your training regiment!
Tapioca Doll: OK, but only if you promise not to kick sand in my face again!
Muriel Doll: Fine! I promise!
Madison shoves the Tapioca doll into the box and pats the dirt tight to hold him in place, with only his head sticking out. Instead of maneuvering the Muriel doll’s leg to immediately kick sand in his face, Madison stands up and does it herself, laughing with glee.
Boy: But what about me? I’m too mature to play with dolls!
Muriel Puddings: Ah, we got a GROWN-UP, everybody? Well, tell me this: are you mature enough to BURN THINGS?
Boy: YEAH!
Muriel Puddings: Well then check out my new Muriel Fire Starter Kit, which is perfect for all the little Boy and Girl Scouts out there who need to warm things up!
Puddings hands the boy a rectangular box that proudly displays the name of the product in flame-tinged Comic Sans print, along with a very well-drawn cartoon of her lighting a Molotov cocktail and preparing to fling it at a wooden shanty with a sign that simply says “WYOMING STATE CAPITOL” in its front lawn. The boy opens the box and pulls out the contents to display.
Boy: Cool! A lighter…
The boy flicks the very dangerous thing that children should not play with, which is conveniently shaped like a blond woman in yoga pants doing an upside-down sumo pose. Of course, the sparks are coming directly from her butt hole.
Boy: …and REAL dryer lint!
The boy places the lint next to the Tapioca doll head and sets it ablaze, laughing maniacally as it engulfs the plastic figure in flames. Muriel joins in on the laughter for what goes on for almost a minute, giving a brooding and creepy atmosphere to an otherwise wholesome commercial. This is only interrupted by Girl #2 tugging at Muriel’s cape.
Girl #2: Do you have any Muriel’s Stuff for me?
Muriel looks down at the cute little brunette with pigtails in her hair and frowns, shrugging her shoulders.
Muriel Puddings: Sorry, chick. That’s all the Stuff I have right now…
Girl #2: Oh. OK, I guess.
Muriel’s somber demeanor slowly starts to shift to a grin as she winks down at the girl.
Muriel Puddings: Just joking! It’s time for a Muriel Makeover!
Again, extending her hands like a magician and waving them, a smoky “poof” effect is then followed by the once adorable child in a pretty little yellow sundress to be transformed into a bleach blond terror!
Girl #2: WOW! Look at me! You did it, bae, and that’s the TEA!
Muriel Puddings: Oh you know that’s right! Check out all of my fashion accessories on this future Spud Princess! Muriel’s Super Sexy Sunglasses, Muriel’s Pajamas which come in both pink and baby blue…
For the record, the pajama pants are COVERED in images of Muriel’s face, almost to the point where you can’t really see the background color.
Muriel Puddings: …my very own custom Muriel bedroom slippers, the Muriel Slap Bracelet, the Muriel Slap Gloves, and don’t forget the Muriel T-shirt! Take a look!
Muriel is somehow able to retrieve a mirror out of the sand and hold it up for the girl to see how fabulous she looks.
Girl #2: I look hot! And is that glitter-based makeup?
Muriel Puddings: Uh-huh! Muriel’s Makeup, which is not tested on animals except my brother! So, PRIMEates, be on the lookout next ReVival to get your hands on my Stuff!
From there, we hear the slow uptick of a familiar tune for those who have actually listened to FM radio at some point in the past two decades as the commercial fades.
♪ One-eight-seven-seven Muriel’s Stuff ♪
♪ S-T-U-F Muriel’s Stuff ♪
♪ One-eight-seven-seven Muriel’s Stuff ♪
♪ Buy some Stuff today. ♪