SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCES BE FORGOT? YES, PLEASE.
♫ Relaxing Jazz Christmas Music ♫
Voice Over: And now… a special holiday message from Doctor Ned Reform.
A cozy, Christmas study. In the corner stands a tall Christmas tree, expertly decorated with white lights, white trim, and a glowing star on top. A fireplace roars. In front of that fireplace is a cozy green chair, in which sits my hero and yours, DOCTOR Ned Reform. Reform is dressed in purple silk pajamas with a white “NR” embroidered on the breast. He wears his reading bifocals as he intently studies a book. The camera slowly zooms in until it apparently catches his attention, as he looks away from his book in surprise.
Ned Reform: OH! I did not see you there, children. Welcome!
He snaps the book shut and places it on a small table next to his chair. When he speaks, it’s dripping with pleasantness and good will.
Ned Reform: Now, I know all the good boys and girls out there are disappointed that their favorite wrestler, Dr. Ned Reform, is not booked for tonight’s event. Be not disheartened, friends: it is not a result of any wrongdoing on your part. You are not being punished. Oh, no! It is due to the fact that PRIME is run by simpletons who wouldn’t know true talent if it kicked them swiftly in the rectum!
Despite that last part sounding bitter, Reform’s tone remains pleasant.
Ned Reform: But I would have been remiss if I did not make an appearance tonight to wish my fans all over the world a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May your holidays be restful, rejuvenating, and reflective. Please, resist the urge to make frivolous new year’s resolutions like quitting a disgusting habit or losing weight or trying to reconnect with your children who hate you. Rather pointless, as we all know none of those things will ever come to pass, yes? Instead, I want you all to focus your energy on what matters: supporting me.
A wide grin.
Ned Reform: Yes, children, The Sage on the Stage could use your support now more than ever. PRIME has redoubled their efforts to silence me. To hold me down. To prevent me from growing my platform and spreading the good word. But we will not let them! Together, we will usher in a new era of PRIME, an era in which you all no longer have to hide your fandom from your co-workers lest you be judged and immediately made into social pariahs. Imagine a world where you could openly discuss PRIME at the office watercooler without being afraid of looking like a Neanderthal? This is my wish for 2023, children, and I look forward to your thoughts and well wishes as I engage in this endeavor.
Reform raises his arms wide as the camera begins to slowly pan away.
Ned Reform: And so, as Tiny Tim observed… actually, you know what? I’m fairly certain I know more than a Victorian era cripple with a first grade education. So… as DOCTOR NED REFORM observed… God bless… every one!
A smirk.
Ned Reform: But especially me. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Voice Over: This has been a special message from DOCTOR Ned Reform.
Fade elsewhere.