SKREE WITH ME!

The camera pans out over the Milky Way Galaxy. Gentle orchestra music plays in the background. The video quality is reminiscent of the 1970s.

Carl Sagan: billions of stars.  We are made of star stuff. Just like all the planets, moons, asteroids, and comets, everything in the universe was once a star.

The video speeds up and a record tear sound kills the audio. The camera stops on a view of a cross walk where an old lady waits to cross the street.

A kindly British professorial voice takes Carl Sagan’s place. 

Professor: and for some of us, we can be stars again! A different kind of star. You see, a star can be a celestial body, or it can be a hot sexy body, like that of Carlos “Rocky” de Leon.  Hello, Rocky!

Rocky walks into view and waves at the camera before leaning down to help the old lady cross the street.

Professor: Look how nice Rocky is. He wants to help that old bat cross the road! But oh… what’s this?

Rocky struggles to get the old lady to take his arm. Here eyes display abject horror.

Professor: oh, dear. It appears Agnes doesn’t know Rocky is trying to help. She thinks she’s being mugged by a masked man! This could all have been much easier if Agnes spoke Skree.

The old lady and the surrounding world are paused, but Rocky addresses the camera.

Rocky: wait, you can understand me?

Professor: certainly! And with a little practice, our classroom viewers can, too. Let’s go over the basics.  

The camera displays an animated chalk board with a cartoon rocky with an empty word bubble.

Professor: now then, let’s go over a few common phrases so that you, too, can understand whether you’re being helped by, flirted with, or assaulted by a Fully Dicked Pterosaur.  Listen closely.  Rocky will speak in SKREE, and after allowing a brief pause for you to fill in your workbooks, I’ll provide the correct translation.

Rocky: SKREE!

Professor: I want a taco.

The video fills in a word bubble over cartoon Rocky’s head with the translation.

Rocky: Skreee.

Professor: preferably with lengua.  Put that in your copy books now. Next phrase, Rocky?

Rocky: SKREEEEE

Professor: Flying mouse.

Rocky: Skree.

Professor: oh, beg your pardon, Rocky. That last one was flying *squirrel*. My mistake.

Rocky: Skreeeeee SKREE SKREE.

Professor: Paxton Ray is a hooligan and a… what was that again? One more time?

Rocky: SKREE

Professor: ah, yes. Punk ass bitch and no good excuse for a father.  As you can see, with just a little effort you, too, can speak Skree like a pro!  So, the next time you watch PRIME, what do you say?

Chorus of Children: SKREEEEEE!

Professor: that’s right. Good bye, Rocky, and good luck with that grandma. 

We then cut back to ringside.