SOLID GOLD ROCK N ROLL vs. THE EGG BANDITS vs. 2BECOME1
We fade in from the commercial with The eGG Bandits standing in the ring, Bobby Dean takes up the entire corner while Doozer takes his time stretching in the corner.
Nick Stuart: And no absurd entrance for The eGG Bandits this evening.
Richard Parker: Either Dooze forgot to send one in or they spent all the budget on Jiles’. Selfish little…
“Motherload” by Mastodon rips through the arena as Solid Gold Rock and Roll step out onto the entrance ramp. The two pose for a moment as Vince Howard lets it rip.
Vince Howard: Aaaaaand coming out second! Recently eliminated from Survivor! The team of Barry Delgado and Trent Sadikaj, also known as SOLID GOLD RRRRRRRRRROCK AND ROLLLLLLLLL!
Delgado and Sadikaj strut their way to the ring and roll inside. They march to their corner and look absolutely like the living embodiment of everything rock and roll.
Vince Howard: Coming down to the ring… our second team… 2Become1! Jonathan-Christopher Hall and Darin Zion!
Nick Stuart: Darin Zion and Jonathan-Christopher have been on a roll as of late.
Richard Parker: That’s because they believe in REAL LOVE!
“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls plays over the PA as a nervous looking Jonathan-Christopher Hall emerges with his “best friend”, REAL LOVE Darin Zion. DZ has a confident smirk on his face and tells the crowd in the front row what type of man he is. He also tells everyone if they wanna get with him, they gotta get with the Hall’s first.
Nick Stuart: I never took you for a Zion fan.
Richard Parker: I pretty much support all the cults, and this is pretty much a cult.
Clearly. Vickie beams while she holds Jonathan-Christopher Hall’s hand. The two walk well behind REAL LOVE Darin Zion. Zion slides into the ring and hops up and down in the center of the mat, making sure the blood flows through his veins. The Vow of Virtue simply rolls under the bottom rope and finds their corner. Zion smacks Hall in the back like they’ve got this and Jonathan-Christopher returns with a smile.
Nick Stuart: Darin Zion, Bobby Dean, and Trent Sadikaj start it off for their teams in the ring.
Richard Parker: Only thing Bobby Dean is starting off is the rush on chicken wings at the buffet line when he waddles up.
Zion blows past Bobby Dean and goes straight for Sadikaj. The two start ripping into each other with right hands while Bobby Dean is perfectly content to stand in the corner. Zion gets the upper hand in his Don Frye fight and backs Sadikaj into the corner. Sadikaj manages to back Zion off with an eye rake. Jimmy Turnbull jumps in warning Sadikaj who just blows him off. Bobby shrugs his shoulders and tags a very confused Doozer in.
Nick Stuart: What a battle between Sadikaj and Zion going on in the empty corner!
Richard Parker: Bobby Dean just tagged out because he got tired from standing.
Sadikaj has Zion reeling and goes for a superkick, Zion ducks under and tries a superkick of his own. Sadikaj backs away, but manages to step in and tie Zion up, dropping him to the mat with a Leg Sweep. Doozer maintains his space in the corner and looks on very nonchalantly. Sadikaj is up quick and hits the ropes, Zion isn’t far behind him, but manages to eat a big cross body from Sadikaj. Sadikaj hooks the leg and looks directly at Doozer.
Nick Stuart: He’s almost daring Doozer to get involved with the pin attempt.
Richard Parker: I think the old bull knows Zion pretty well, and knows that cross body isn’t enough to finish REAL LOVE Darin Zion off.
Zion kicks out emphatically, Zion makes a break to tag Jonathan Christopher-Hall while Sadikaj decides to tag in ‘Boogie’ Barry Delgado. Delgado comes into the ring and is motioning at Doozer to come get it. Jonathan Christopher-Hall, at the urging of Vickie Hall, takes a cheap shot to the side of Delgado’s face. Delgado is shocked, not because it hurt, but shocked because JCH dared to hit him. Doozer shakes his head and slaps Bobby Dean on the back to tag him in.
Nick Stuart: Delgado is outraged!
Richard Parker: I think Bobby Dean is trying to get a wave started.
Nick Stuart: If you hate him so much, why do you keep watching him?
Richard Parker: His gravity pulls my eyes towards him…
In the ring Barry Delgado has his finger out and is marching at Jonathan-Christopher Hall, who is backing away and begging off. Delgado finally backs him into the neutral corner, and Hall realizes he has nowhere to go. He tries throwing another right hand, but Delgado shrugs the blow off and smashes JCH in the mouth with an elbow. Bobby finally succeeds in getting the entire arena to do a wave, and tags Doozer back in.
Nick Stuart: Thunderous elbow from Delgado in the corner!
Richard Parker: This Hall kid seems a bit overwhelmed in there.
Delgado takes a few steps back and runs in again, slamming a forearm shot into Jonathan-Christopher’s mouth. Hall stumbles out of the corner right into the waiting arms of Delgado. He reaches back and tosses Hall over his head with a huge release German suplex. Hall lands on his neck and rolls head to toe over backwards a few times until he ends up at the feet of Doozer.
Nick Stuart: Uh oh.
Richard Parker: He’s just gonna tag the fat one.
Doozer does not just tag the fat one, and instead stomps JCH right across the mouth. Hall recoils back into the corner, but Doozer doesn’t stop stomping. Bobby has somehow found a cheeseburger and is on the floor outside, laughing at Jonathan-Christopher Hall while Doozer kicks him in the head three or four more times.
Nick Stuart: Here comes Delgado!
Richard Parker: He might have wanted to take a page out of The Bandits playbook there…
Delgado runs over and smashes Doozer with a forearm. Doozer recoils from the blow, but Delgado quickly grabs him around the waist and tries for another German Suplex. Doozer is quick to counter, and manages to unhook Delgado’s hands and slide around behind Delgado. Doozer tries to lift Delgado, but Delgado manages to sneak his left leg in between Doozer’s. The old bull tries to lift Delgado again, but Delgado manages to slip free and ends up behind Doozer again.
Nick Stuart: Some great chain wrestling going on here!
Richard Parker: Never thought I’d see that in THIS match.
Delgado tries to lift Doozer, but Doozer tries to step behind Delgado. Barry manages to stay behind Doozer who rapidly moves to the ropes. Doozer tries to grab hold but Delgado manages to get him off the ground just before. Doozer manages to hook his foot on the middle rope forcing Delgado to stop the German suplex mid attempt. Doozer takes the opportunity to slide behind Delgado and finally German suplexes Delgado, but with all the rotation Delgado manages to land on Jonathan-Christopher Hall.
Richard Parker: Finally…
Nick Stuart: That was a lot of German suplex attempts…
Richard Parker: I hope Youngblood suplexes Jiles that many times tonight.
The Boston Bruiser walks towards the corner where both of his opponents and Bobby Dean happen to be. Vickie Hall is mid freakout and is up on the apron yelling at Doozer to stay away from Jonathan-Christopher. Bobby Dean immediately takes interest and starts walking towards Vickie with a finger twirling in his belly button. Vickie jumps off the apron and runs back to her corner, and away from the near four-hundred pound cretin.
Richard Parker: Okay, that was funny…
Nick Stuart: Vickie Hall is going to need more therapy.
Richard Parker: Like she didn’t already anyway.
Doozer turns back towards his opponents but both are no longer there. Jonathan-Christopher takes the opportunity created by Vickie to roll up Doozer while Delgado tags in Sadikaj. Turnbull slides over for the count.
Sadikaj dives in and manages to break it up at the last second. Jonathan-Christopher immediately runs to his corner, Sadikaj and Doozer both start trading right hands in the center of the ring. Jonathan-Christopher tags in Zion who immediately joins the melee as Doozer pushes the pile to the eGG Bandits corner. Doozer reaches for Bobby Dean, but Sadikaj is able to find an opening and lights Doozer up with a super kick.
Richard Parker: That’s why they call him Boots!
Nick Stuart: What a super kick, Doozer’s down and here comes Zion after Sadikaj!
Zion smashes into Sadikaj with a European uppercut that sends him staggering. Zion doesn’t stop and follows up with a second one. Sadikaj is reeling and Zion spins looking for the discus clothesline but Sadikaj manages to duck underneath and leap to tag in Barry Delgado.
Nick Stuart: AND HERE COMES THE BOOGIE!
Richard Parker: Totally different challenge here for Zion.
Barry comes in with a head full of steam and clubs Zion with repeated forearm shots while backing him up into the ropes. Delgado fires off a kick to the stomach before finally Irish whipping Zion into the ropes. Zion comes back and Delgado lifts him with a backdrop and Zion crashes to the mat. He immediately gets back up and Delgado Irish whips him a second time. Zion comes sprinting back and leapfrogs Delgado to avoid the backdrop. Delgado runs through Zion’s legs to the opposite ropes. The two men collide in the center of the ring with huge clotheslines.
Nick Stuart: WHAT A CLOTHESLINE FROM DELGADO AND ZION! BOTH MEN ARE DOWN!
Richard Parker: Boogie will get right back up… I’m sure.
Doozer, suddenly entering our shot out of nowhere reaches over and tags in Bobby Dean. The largest eGG Bandit comes through the ropes and half runs, half waddles at the two men on the ground.
Richard Parker: Oh dear God.
Bobby Dean leaps and comes down with a huge splash on both opponents. Barry Delgado takes the worst of it with Bobby’s massive gut slamming into his chest. Zion, just from being hit with Bobby Dean’s colossal thighs, is gasping for air and reaching over to tag in JCH. Bobby, stands up, breathing very hard but walking towards the downed Delgado. He simply falls down, dropping a massive leg across Delgado’s throat.
Nick Stuart: Bobby Dean does know precisely how to use that incredible mass he has been cultivating.
Richard Parker: Did you just act like Bobby Dean is trying to be that fat?
Nick Stuart: He’s not?
Bobby slowly makes his way to the ropes, and uses them to pull himself up to his feet. He puts his hands on his knees for a few moments to catch his breath before walking over and tagging in Doozer. The Boston Bruiser beelines towards JCH and takes him out with a huge spear. Delgado is finally getting to his feet, but he’s clearly not all there and stumbles towards Doozer. Doozer hammers him with two huge right hands before hooking Delgado’s arms and planting him to the canvas with a double arm hook DDT.
Nick Stuart: THE ABUSER!
Richard Parker: Oh no, that fat man has grabbed Boots by the leg!
Bobby is holding onto Trent Sadikaj’s leg while Doozer covers.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: AAAAAAAAND YOUR WINNERS BY PINFALL THEEEEEEEE EGGGGGGGG BANDITS!
Nick Stuart: What a match, a big win for The eGG Bandits in their first match of the night!
Richard Parker: Hoyt save us! That terrible human being Cancer Jiles can’t become Universal champion!
Nick Stuart: Well we don’t have to worry about that for a bit. We’re gonna head backstage.