SOMETHING SOMETHING AIRHORNS
Event: CULTURE SHOCK 2023 NIGHT ONE
Event Date: 04/07/2023
SOMETHING SOMETHING AIRHORNS
Anna Daniels in the dark, under spotlight, serious faced.
Anna Daniels: Hello. We’re Anna Daniels, Merch Czar of the PRIMEporium and future Universal Champion.
It’s true. You can tell because not only did whoever the Multitudes pushed to make this statement deliver it bluntly and sincerely, the words
Merch Czar and Future Universal Champion
are printed neatly onto the screen just below her face. Just to hammer that particular part home.
Anna Daniels: Next month on the twentieth of May, it will be one whole year since we started making the PRIMEporium more than just a passive, forgotten part of PRIME. And we’ll freely admit that initially, we did it for purely selfish reasons. Yes, we did print the Shit Talk with Bobby Dean shirts that didn’t sell and a few others but let’s be honest here.
A very familiar folded up shirt is slid across the desk. Everybody who has been here at the start of the revival of PRIME knows it and if you don’t, you’re either new or an idiot. The pristine white cotton fabric. The mimicry of PRIME’s own logo. The infamous NEW ERA t-shirt. The vessel displays the graphic proudly.
Anna Daniels: THIS is what made the PRIMEporium. It’s not just a shirt and it’s not just a promotional tool. It’s an exercise in self-belief. We believe in the words printed here. New Era, number one by design. We believe that this can and should be the best era of PRIME as a whole, something that can blow away the eons of the past because you–the audience–deserve it. Hell, you demand it! And perhaps vainly, we figured we’d be the leader of that charge. You can see how well that’s going.
Is that a hint of snark we hear? Of course it is. The vessel lovingly pushes the fabric aside.
Anna Daniels: Yet even as egotistical and shoved up our own ass as we can be at times, we also knew that one shirt couldn’t sustain business forever. Thus we began to expand, first with more of our own stuff and then by promoting others on this roster with whatever random bullshit we came up with on the fly. Because while you can dance with yourself, it’s always much more fun with multiple people.
With this comes a sigh. It’s time to address the elephant in the room.
Anna Daniels: So needless to say, the events of ReVival 25 were not at all appreciated. They could’ve torn the rest of the damn building down and we wouldn’t have given a single fuck. We would’ve laughed. But destroying the PRIMEporium was disrespectful. It was disrespectful to us who put in the work, to the wrestlers being promoted, and most importantly, to you. The people who shell out your hard earned cash to support your favorites. Which is why we are proud to announce…
The vessel of Anna stands just as the rest of the lights come on. The camera drone pans out to reveal a leaner, meaner PRIMEporium. She grins.
Anna Daniels: …that we’re back, motherfuckers.
Stereo airhorns are provided by Kazuhiro and Ami Troy who are also grinning like mad. And so begins the wonderful tornado of merchandise!
Kaz Troy: The Multitudes are still producing all your fan favorites. T-shirts galore, POWERBOMB cologne, and the ever popular PRIME Wrestle Buddies!
Ami Troy: Not to mention we still have the #Justice4Mori throwing rocks, LOVE CONVOY urinal cakes and…LINDSAY TROY’S OWL SIMULATOR?!?
The Queen’s kids look at each other.
Ami Troy: What the eff is an owl simulator?
Kaz Troy: Y’know that annoyed look Mom gives us when we’re being too smart for our own good?
Ami Troy: (nodding) I am very familiar with that look.
Kaz Troy: Yeah, so, it has to do with that.
Ami Troy: Oh. And that’s a best seller?
Then they look at Anna who looks back at them.
Anna Daniels: What? It’s a limited amount of physical media, there’s Steam keys, and we have to get the investment back on making this game! Besides, if she has better ideas, she has our number. Oh! And while we’re talking about video games, look! It’s Eddie Cross!
Okay, in terms of somewhat awkward segways, that wasn’t the worst.
Eddie and Dave Gibson saunter into the frame, Eddie has eschewed his normal CoD skull tee for a black cloth tee printed in bright video game font with the letters GG on the front.
Eddie Cross: Hey Anna, I have my markers ready. You want me to cut that promo now?
She nods and Eddie rolls his shoulders and looks intense just like Dave taught him.
Eddie Cross: Speaking of games, here at the PRIMEporium during Culture Shock, I will be with Dave doing a free autograph sesh of this fire design: The GG Tee. It comes in my favorite colors: black, tech camo, and gunmetal gray.
Dave Gibson: And my favorite, Carolina Blue.
Eddie Cross: But not dark blue, right? We went with the good one?
Dave Gibson nods.
Eddie Cross: And Carolina Blue if you’re feeling Old School! But this is a limited Time opportunity. After I win the title shot tomorrow, the value of my signed merch goes through the roof, so don’t get caught camping on this deal.
Anna Daniels: AND REMEMBER EVERYONE, IT’S ONLY AT THE PRIMEPORIUM! BUY THE SHIRT! HIGH FIVE!
Anna reaches out a hand to Eddie and Dave…only for them to look at her like she’s crazy. She gives it another shot with the Troy siblings delivering the same look. The Merch Czar shrugs.
Anna Daniels: Okay, okay. We may have went a bit too far. Self high five.
You can almost hear a knockoff of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit as we fade to whatever’s next.