SPECIAL GUESTS
The scene cuts to the parking lot of the AT&T Stadium, namely a refurbished ice cream truck with the name “Paco’s Ice Cream Tacos” crossed out and replaced with “THE LIBERATION MOVEMENT” in 97Red Paint. There is a satellite dish atop the truck hooked up to the television on the interior which is showing “Culture Shock.” Outside the truck, Jatt Starr, sporting his red and black checkered suit and the HOTv Tag Team Championship around his waist, begins yelling into a bullhorn as he holds a “PRIME SUCKS” sign. Dan Ryan, looking like he has been tasked with protecting the President, stands next to him. He also has his HOTv Tag Team Championship around his waist, along with the HOTv Title over his left shoulder.
Jatt Starr: PRIME IS GRIME! DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME! PRIME IS GRIME DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME! TAKE IT FROM US, THE CO-WORLD CHAMPIONS OF HOW, PRIME, SHOOT, MVW, AND THAT OTHER ONE NO ONE GIVES A WHORE’S TEAT ABOUT!!!
A college student walks by sporting Longhorns sweatshirt and shorts walks by, stops and takes a few steps backwards.
College Student: Whoa! Paco’s back?! I thought he was arrested for selling drugs to support a white supremacist group in the Appalachians? Y’all got any of that special vanilla ice powder?
Jatt Starr: No ice cream! Screw off!
The college student shrugs and walks away. The Jattinum Standard yells out to the student.
Jatt Starr: PRIME SUCKS! Tell your friends!
A man wearing a PRIME t-shirt has a young lad with ridiculously blonde hair of about four or five approach the truck.
Young Man: How much for an Ultimate Choco-Taco?
Jatt Starr: For the last time, there is no ice cream here! Might the Ruler of Jattlantis interest you in some merchandise supporting our mission? Our best seller is the standard “PRIME IS GRIME” shirt. We also have the official “THE BLOOD SAMPLE: BRANDON DUNGBLOOD” t-shirt. Not a fan of his? Don’t worry, no one is! Maybe the “ANNA DANIELS SUCKS CLOCK” t-shirt is more your thing? Or the “I F*CKED JUSTINE CALVIN AND ALL I GOT WAS A LIFETIME OF MEDIOCRITY AND JARED SYKES’S SUPER-HERPES”….The Champion of Jattanooga knows that last one is a bit wordy but—-
The Young Man covers his child’s ears and proceeds to walk away.
Jatt Starr: Yeah! Take your creepy Village of Damned demon child and leave! He probably isn’t even yours! Some masseuse named Sven Bjorngensengensen probably banged your—-Ahhhhh, he’s gone.
Dan taps his partner on the shoulder and points at the table, where stacks of merchandise are set up.
Dan Ryan: Don’t forget the good stuff…
He gestures toward some t-shirts with the original “Inner Circle” logo on the front with a little flea market sticker that says “5¢.” Next to it, on a little placard stand, is a copy of a book titled “How to Fail in High Octane Wrestling Without Trying.” On the front is a very clearly and badly photoshopped image of Lindsay Troy in a blue business suit and a vacant smile that belongs on the front of Mad Magazine. This has another flea market sticker on it, but this one says “10¢.”
Dan Ryan: That one’s on sale.
Jatt Starr: The Scourge of Starrpathia thought it looked cheap.
The Jattlantic City Idol turns towards the truck and looks inside sees himself looking inside the truck, which causes such excitement he begins tapping on Dan Ryan’’s shoulder and pointing.
Jatt Starr: We are on! GOOOOOOOOOD EVENING STARRLINGTON!!!!!
In the arena, the PRIMEView crackles to life and there’s an audible gasp of surprise as fans realize who is on the screen.
Everything is disturbingly quiet, with only the murmuring of the fans as Dan Ryan sheepishly smiles like the Joker in Harvey Dent’s hospital room.
Dan Ryan: Hi.
More fans approach the table, which prompts Dan to place a hand on the shoulder of Jatt Starr and motion for him to make the sale.
Dan Ryan: It’s okay. I’ll take it for a little bit.
In the arena, fans are fumbling over themselves trying to get a better view of the screen, but most of them, all decked out in PRIME merchandise, are dumbstruck, mouths agape. This is the last person they expected to see on a screen at a PRIME event.
Dan Ryan: Hey everyone. So nice to see all of you, all dolled up in your bright blue t-shirts, your hats, your bandanas, your replica championship belts. I myself have come into a few championship belts recently. See, this here around my waist is the HOTv Tag Team Championship. Jatt and I had to defeat a team from one of the OTHER PWA companies to win these bad boys, but yes, here they are. And this here, over my left shoulder, is the HOTv Championship.
Dan holds a hand to his chest like Scarlett O’Hara, the mocking pouring from his voice.
Dan Ryan: Why, I suppose I represent all of HOTv now. Ain’t that somethin’ you ain’t never seen?
Back in the arena production crew are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, but try as they might, no one seems to know how to get the feed from the parking lot cut.
Dan Ryan: I suppose I’ll cut right to the chase. Jatt and I are here for several reasons. First of all, for me, I have had a lot of this cheap crap in a storage unit ever since the virtuous and sinless Lindsay Troy decided last year that my most recent transgression was simply too much for her to handle. Actually, it was a bit more than that, wasn’t it? Turns out, my friend not only did not come to my defense, she damn near led the charge against me.
From behind, Jatt approaches and taps Dan on the shoulder.
Jatt Starr: Pardon the Thane of Starrkarth’s interruption…. (he waves quickly at the camera) …Hi everyone, please, no need to applaud or kneel down, the Duke of Jattmandu just has a question for the Danaconda here. So, Dan, this guy over here, he smells like liverwurst and wants to know if you’d be willing to sell this commemorative photo of you presenting Lindsay Troy with her very first World Championship?
Dan shrugs.
Dan Ryan: Sure.
Jatt Starr: What do you figure? About a dollar?
Dan Ryan: Eh, let him have it for 50¢. Several spots on it are damaged goods.
Jatt nods in acknowledgement and turns back to the now very happy gentleman, who only had two quarters to begin with.
Dan Ryan: Where was I? Oh yes. The very ungrateful owner of PRIME. Now, I was very happy to let bygones be bygones and forget that betrayal, something I rarely do, but when I approached her at PWA01, she uh… well, she told me to fuck off.
More murmuring from the massive crowd.
Dan Ryan: I know, I know. It seemed harsh to me too.
Jatt Starr taps him on the shoulder again, pointing to the screen in the truck where we can see Lindsay Troy storming out onto the stage inside the arena and barking at the production crew set up alongside the edge.
Microphones around the area can pick up her voice as she yells at them.
Lindsay Troy: SHUT IT DOWN, NOW!
Dan Ryan: OH! Lindsay! There you are! I was wondering if you’d decide to come out here and join us. Look… (Dan leans in and speaks under his breath as though telling a secret) I’m sure you’re wondering how we got on your screen at your show, because let’s face it, you think this is your stadium. And the thing is… you’re actually in my home state of Texas…
At the mention of Texas, the crowd erupts. Texans are a sucker for state patriotism.
Dan Ryan: Although, and I want to come clean here, although I have many connections in some powerful places around here, I didn’t actually have to go too far to get what I needed. See, all of this, our tailgating party, the garage sale, the chance to look at three championship belts that actually matter, these things were made possible thanks to a wonderful member of PWA’s staff.
At this, Lindsay looks directly up at the screen.
Dan Ryan: Thanks to um… (he gets Jatt Starr’s attention) …Was it Kelvin? Marvin? Merlin?
Jatt Starr: The Sovereign of Starrgentina remembers it was not as nerdy as Merlin. It had to be Melvin! Or was it Molva….?
Dan snaps a finger.
Dan Ryan: Oh right! Melvin.
Inside, Lindsay Troy is absolutely fuming, her face turning visibly red as the microphone picks her up snarling “Melon…” If looks could kill, Dan and Jatt and Melvin would be actually dead… through the screen… across the airwaves…. in the parking lot….wherever the PWA Liaison is hiding… Dead.
D-E-D, dead.
Dan Ryan: Please be a lamb and do thank Melvin for us, Lindz.
She turns back to her staff and yells again.
Lindsay Troy: I SAID SHUT…. IT DOWN…. NOW!!!
Back on the screen, Dan frowns, mock confused. Jatt hears and turns his head to the camera.
Jatt Starr: That’s not being a lamb at all.
Dan Ryan: I’m sorry Lindsay, are you having technical difficulties in there? I’ll just wait while you sort this out.
Dan stops and holds his hands down, clasped and over his tag team title belt, and waits. Every couple seconds, his eyes dart to look at things around him: parked cars, people, oh look a butterfly…
Lindsay Troy jumps down off the edge of the ramp to the stage and pushes her production supervisor out of the way and begins trying to cut the feed herself.
Dan watches, but after a few moments he turns to Jatt and whispers…
Dan Ryan: Are we still on?
Jatt nods.
Jatt Starr: Like Golden Pond.
Dan Ryan: Look, I can see you’re having a problem with the video feed, so I think I’ll just go ahead and say what I came here to say. How’d that be?
She’s had enough, pounds her fist down on a control panel and storms away, not looking at the screen or giving the men on the screen the satisfaction of her attention at all, and walks off behind the production crew’s set-up to the back.
Dan Ryan: Here’s the simple nuts and bolts of it. We’re the HOTv Tag Team Champions.
Jatt Starr: Co-World Champions! Or Co-Op World Champions, in honor of my new stepson because I married his ridiculously hot and limber and dexterous mother and I’m trying to be a positive male influence in his life, save him from the nerdiness and such, even if he has yet to find out about my new position in his life. Would you care to see the photos again?
El Jattador de Starrcelona pulls out his phone to show the photo of him and Natalie, Conor Fuse’s mother, making out on the hood of a sports car in Las Vegas. Dan Ryan, without looking and not wishing to see that photo for the twelfth time, knocks the phone from Jatt’s hands. Dan Ryan continues to speak to the masses as Jatt drops to pick him his phone.
Dan Ryan: I’m the HOTv Champion. We’ll be at PWA02 cheering on our good friend Steve Solex, and I’d very much like for us to take another shot at burying the hatchet. I know you regret the way you acted at PWA01. It was a very unpleasant scene, so I want to give you another chance to do the right thing. So I’ll come to you, hat in hand, and give you another opportunity to accept my apology. Hell, if we have time, maybe we’ll talk about your decades long penchant for benefitting from my evil and morally bankrupt chicanery. Until, of course, you had all of your sins wiped away by… well, pretty much just in your own mind. I’m sure it would be a nice topic that the public would like to hear us hash out.
The PRIMEView transitions into a split-screen: on one side, the two HOW interlopers and on the other, the Queen of the Ring power-walking through the hallways. She glares at the cameraman in front of her, and he very quickly moves out of her way.
Dan Ryan: Between now and then, I want you to promise me that you won’t do anything rash like confronting poor Melvin, or any of the people on your staff and roster who, by the way, have some history with me and are happy to do business.
Another backstage angle, right near the wrestler and staff entrance. Troy is approaching, seemingly on her way to the parking lot where the two men have set up shop, and she’s not alone. The PRIMEates roar with delight at the sight of Dametreyus, Wade Elliott, and a handful of Enemigos following in the Queen’s wake.
Dan Ryan: Now I’ll leave you with this. Don’t let your petty career-long jealousy threaten the survival of this company that you’ve spent so much time and effort in reviving. I know you’re already on your way out here, but I know you’ll watch this back, too, so listen well. You’ve known me for over twenty years, and while I know you are among the absolute most dangerous competitors in the history of our sport, you know that I fall into that same category. You also know that when my back is against the wall, I come out fighting, and Lindsay… you also know, I go scorched Earth. This can only end one of two ways ultimately. And you know what those two ways are without me telling you. You may not have thought this through all the way, but you have so much to lose. I don’t want to be the one that takes it from you…
The rear door blasts open and the PRIME contingent stalks toward the closest parking area.
Dan Ryan: But alas, like I said, this isn’t the time for threats. Let’s not end it that way. Instead, let’s end it with a demonstration. Think it over, search yourself and figure out what you want to do. But remember, and remember well… I always get what I want, my old friend.
Dan winks and snaps a finger, and the feed cuts out.
Moments later, Lindsay, Wade, Dam, and the Enemigos round a corner and come into view of the ice cream truck and the merchandise tables, all abandoned, and the HOTv tag team champions nowhere to be found.