TAG TEAM SURVIVOR
Nick Stuart: At Culture Shock we started with three tribes and twelve total teams, but after weeks of challenges only three teams remain.
Richard Parker: And despite all of the eliminations we’ve had to date, each of the three original tribes is still represented by a team here tonight.
Nick Stuart: It’s true. Fighting For Nora represents the V.I.A.G.R.A. tribe, while King Blueberry and his mannequin are the last members of DUI.
Richard Parker: You know I heard that tribe was almost fined. Something about trying to rebrand the initials to do with underwear.
Nick Stuart: And rounding out the competition, the team of Garbage Bag Johnny and Nova carries the flag of the Crudely Civilized tribe. If you had to make a prediction, Richard, which team do you think comes out of tonight the winner?
Richard Parker: You and I, because we never have to call this stuff again after tonight.
The camera makes a sweeping shot over the challenge arena. It’s weird, you guys.
Nick Stuart: We’ve got quite the scene laid out for the last three Survivor teams tonight, Richard.
Richard Parker: Look, after the last show I’m sure that anything else we get is going to be tame by comparison.
Nick Stuart: Hard to argue with that. Fans, normally this is where we’d show you a recap of what happened during the maze challenge of ReVival 9, but…
Richard Parker: Our lawyers have advised us against it, on the count that the images it contains may scar some of our younger viewers.
The pool at the MGM Grand has undergone some renovations recently. A series of buoys has been deployed, each of them bearing unique weapons. The first contains two pairs of oversized boxing gloves, the second holds two pairs of padded nunchucks, and the third has two pairs of pugil sticks – one red and one blue.
Around the perimeter of the water, three turrets have been installed. At the base of each turret is a big ‘ol bucket of tennis balls. These turrets are each manned by some particularly colorful individuals, so let’s introduce them, shall we?
The first is probably called Laser, but like not the one that Cancer Jiles references once every full moon. A totally different Laser. This Laser has a physique carved from marble and a smile that screams, “I dare you to try and punch this look off my face.” He’s the type who’ll try to hit on your girlfriend in front of you, all while he makes his pecs dance. Rest assured that every bathroom in the Chateau de Laser (his name for it, not ours) has a bidet, because his arms are too jacked to wipe properly. Fuck Laser. I hope his balls fall off and need to be fished out of the pool with a skimmer.
The second is equally buff, but without the omnipresent “big Chad energy.” His name is Blazer, we think, which has nothing to do with fires, or fire-adjacent references, and everything to do with the stylish blue sport coat he wears over his MGM-branded singlet. The ascot and pocket square are a nice touch, though perhaps a bit overkill for the occasion.
Then there’s the third, whose name is Glazer, because he looks like a man who has fried and consumed enough frosted donuts in his lifetime to feed a starving, underdeveloped nation. He’s a walking UN humanitarian crisis, that guy. He does not have a branded singlet. His ensemble is much more bohemian, like someone handed him a tank top and Sharpie and hoped for the best.
Oh, and the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers – Charlene, Misty, Noelle, Carl, Janelle, Cinnamon, and Biff for the folks keeping track at home – are each swimming around the pool dressed as the individual tentacles of a giant, derpy kraken, because hey why the fuck not.
It’s like if an asshole watched too much American Gladiators as a child, and decided to mash up popular games Joust and Assault into one Frankenstein’s monster of late-80s competition shows.
Nick Stuart: Presiding over the final Survivor event is the MGM Grand’s Special Liaison to PRIME, Melvin Beauregard!
Indeed he is. He’s taken up the perch in the lifeguard’s chair, complete with tiny orange shorts and a frosted layer of sunblock on his face. Have you ever seen a Halloween pumpkin that’s been left out long enough to collect the first snow? If the answer to that question is yes, then you know what Melvin looks like.
Also he has an air horn.
Richard Parker: Jesus. Can we get someone to check the levels on his mic?
Nick Stuart: That sound means that the final contest of Survivor is underway!
Richard Parker: That sound means I’m deaf in my left ear.
All five human participants take their first tenuous step onto their logs. An improvised flotation device is engaged around the feet of El Hijo del Super Cool Guy as he is gently placed atop his own log.
Richard Parker: Is that legal? That can’t be legal.
Nick Stuart: If you can find me a set of rules for these events, I’d be happy to read them.
Richard Parker: Now is not the time for salient points, Nick.
Yeah, Nick. We’ve got nonsense to create.
Nick Stuart: Nova showing incredible balance right out of the gate as he works to stay afloat. He’s got tremendous control over the log.
Richard Parker: I want you to take a minute to think about the last thing you just said. It doesn’t have to be now. It doesn’t even have to be tonight. But soon, you should take some quiet time and give that one a chance to meditate.
Nova’s deft footwork not only keeps him on the log, but sends him in the direction of the first weapons buoy in search of a pair of padded nunchucks. He’s about ¾ of the way there when Laser trains his sights on the Risen Star and opens fire with his tennis ball cannon.
Because Laser thinks the elderly should be set adrift on chunks of ice, clearly.
Nick Stuart: Nova having to contend with those tennis ball turrets early on, but it looks like the buoy is going to give him some cover.
Nova manages to roll his log behind the buoy, where he unclasps a pair of nunchucks.
In the water beneath him a shape appears. In the commotion it’s difficult to make out the shape as anything more than a shadow, though there are strong humanoid and bovine elements to it. It also has four horns, though it’s likely that two of them are actually snorkels. Can never have enough snorkels. The only clear aspect of its form is the SCUBA tank strapped to its back.
Richard Parker: Alright, who taught the minotaur how to swim?
The shadow sinks towards the bottom of the pool and out of sight.
Meanwhile, the hail of tennis balls from a trigger-happy Laser continues, but now armed with a means of defense Nova is ready. He spins the weapon in his hands, his body a blur as ball after ball is deflected away. It’s as if someone blended eight Bruce Lees together, then boiled down the resulting slurry into one super-concentrated Bruce Lee.
Richard Parker: What is any of this?
Nick Stuart: Fans, if you’re just tuning in…
Richard Parker: We promise there is actual wrestling on this show, and you should stick around.
Nick Stuart: Yes, but…
Richard Parker: We here at PRIME cannot be held liable for any trauma you may experience as a result of watching Survivor.
Nick Stuart: Sure, but that’s…
Richard Parker: Also if you or your loved ones have any information about the identity of a goddamn minotaur, please keep that to yourself.
Glazer lines up a shot from his assault cannon, and wow is that a weird thing to say in the context of a wrestling show. Anyway, he clicks his trigger and sends a ball careening directly at Paxton Ray. In one fluid motion, Paxton catches the ball, manages to hold his balance, and then hurls it directly at King Blueberry.
That’s the sound a hollow tennis ball makes when it strikes the hollow head of King Blueberry.
Nick Stuart: And we’ve got our first team conflict starting to unfold.
Richard Parker: Throw the next one harder, Paxton!
Nick Stuart: King Blueberry looking very wobbly on that log. I don’t think he was expecting that blindside shot.
Richard Parker: Would it really be from the blindside if he saw it coming, though?
Nick Stuart: Good point, Richard.
Enter an auburn-haired woman from off-camera, carrying a phone in one hand a Chipotle-branded delivery bag in the other.
Richard Parker: Is that… Roxy Phoenix?
Nick Stuart: I can’t say for sure, but there is a striking similarity.
No, I just told you. It’s her.
Our intrepid announce duo may never know the identity of this woman (it’s Roxy Phoenix; we covered this), but what we do know for sure is that after handing Melvin his delivery bag she begins giving out small cards to everyone she passes by. The URL printed upon each one will direct more than a few bystanders to an OnlyFans page.
Melvin dips a hand into the bag and retrieves his burrito bowl, and then a scowl spreads across his face as he’s hit with a dawning realization.
Melvin Beauregard: MY CHIPOTLE DIDN’T COME WITH A FUCKING FORK!!!!
What follows is our heroic lifeguard and master of ceremonies attempting to drink the contents of his bowl. Which is the polite way of saying he throws his head back, and starts dumping burrito bits – not to be confused with fajita fragments; those are something entirely different – into how gaping maw.
Richard Parker: Remember earlier when I said this couldn’t possibly be as disturbing as last week?
Like a python choking down a whole chicken, Melvin all but unhinges his jaw and gulps down his Tex-Mex. Very little chewing is involved.
Nick Stuart: Yes.
Richard Parker: I would like to rescind that statement.
The internet is forever, Richard. It remembers. The internet knows all.
Glazer fires a tennis ball from his assault cannon. The shot zips past the ear of Paxton Ray, who has to quickly adjust so as to not catch the shot full-on in the face. He wobbles on his log, but doesn’t teeter over.
The tennis ball, by the way, hits Super Cool Guy square in the crotch, and rebounds off towards the crowd.
Nick Stuart: Luckily for the rest of our competitors that shot didn’t hit any of them.
And unluckily for Melvin Beauregard, the tennis ball caroms in his direction with enough force that when it hits his hand the burrito bowl he’s holding explodes.
Richard Parker: If there was a just and loving god in this universe, that shot would have hit King Blueberry. We don’t need any more of that guy running around. One is already too many!
It’s only a few seconds later that the son of Super Cool Guy is hit with a second shot, this one from a pugil stick wielded by Garbage Bag Johnny. Like a homeless Barry Bonds, his swing is hard enough to both send the mannequin’s head skyward, and cause the rest of its body to topple into the pool. It floats for a moment before water starts rushing down the now-gaping hole in its neck and begins sinking.
Nick Stuart: El Hijo del Super Cool Guy has been eliminated!
Richard Parker: With any luck we will never see it again.
Nick Stuart: There’s still a chance that King Blueberry wins this for his team, and then the mannequin could get a title shot at the Great American Nightmare, Richard.
Richard Parker: No. We’ll never see it again. I’m willing this to happen, Nick. I need this.
One of the tentacles – probably Biff; he’s not very intelligent, and given he is a member of the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers that is saying something – tries to flail himself at Johnny, but is subsequently pummeled with the pugil stick until he gives up his attack and simply floats away.
Unfortunately, the distraction is enough that Jonathan Rhine is able to roll his log close enough to Johnny and shove him into the water. Johnny bobs back to the surface, and starts casually backstroking away.
Nick Stuart: And now we’ve got our first human elimination, as Jonathan Rhine sends Garbage Bag Johnny into the water. Fighting For Nora now the only team remaining with two members still on their feet.
Richard Parker: I like how you had to qualify that as a “human” elimination.
As Blazer unloads a volley of tennis balls at the competitors, a new figure strides into view carrying a fishing rod and tackle box. Fans of the eGG Bandits will immediately recognize him as Zeb Martin.
Nick Stuart: True to the way that Survivor has unfolded this year, it wouldn’t be an event without a cameo.
Richard Parker: Which is a totally different video service that what Roxy uses.
Nick Stuart: How do you know that?
Richard Parker: Umm… uhh… YEAH SO ANYWAY…
Zeb rolls up his pant legs so that they’re cuffed just below the knee, and takes a seat on the edge of the pool. Then, he casts a line.
Richard Parker: Does he know this is a swimming pool?
Nick Stuart: I hope so.
Richard Parker: And that he’s not going to catch anything here? Because it’s a swimming pool.
The line hooks itself around one of Jimmy Bonafide Dancers, and Zeb starts the arduous process of reeling that person – it’s Cinnamon, by the way – towards the side of the pool.
Richard Parker: I take it back. He just caught a yellowtail dumbass.
The barrage of tennis balls aimed at Paxton Ray clearly has the brawler rattled. He catches another, and angrily casts it aside, almost clipping his own partner with the shot. For his part, Paxton doesn’t seem bothered by this at all.
Nick Stuart: I’m not sure Rhine and Ray are on the same page right now.
Richard Parker: Well at least Paxton’s aim is bad. He almost caught his own partner right in the Rhineberries.
The dark shape of the scuba minotaur (scubataur?) appears below the surface of the water again, this time breaking the surface as a dark hand reaches up to grab at Nova’s ankles. Though he doesn’t see this, he still manages to narrowly avoid being caught, as his balance and footwork move him in the direction of King Blueberry.
The Blueberry appears slightly distraught as he watches the body of Super Cool Guy bob feet-first towards the surface thanks to the floats attached to him. The King’s log rotates (tee-hee) just in time to see Nova – still spinning those ‘chucks like a whole-ass Jet Li movie – surfing in his direction.
Richard Parker: I’ve got a feeling one of these guys is about to take a dick in the pool.
Nick Stuart: You… what?
Richard Parker: Dip. I said dip. D-I-P. One of these guys is about to take a dip in the pool.
Nick Stuart: Right.
Richard Parker: Don’t blame me for your own impure thoughts.
Two members of the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers Swimmers creep up on the sides of King Blueberry and flail their tentacles at him. Of course, because they’re uncoordinated cretins, they miss him and whack each other. Honestly, it’s a miracle they haven’t drowned yet. Still, Blueberry has to adjust to avoid the blow, and his momentum shift sends him into Nova. Despite taking a half-dozen padded nunchuck shots to the face, King Blueberry manages to knock the former Universal Champion off balance and into the water.
Nick Stuart: And now Nova has been eliminated! This leaves just King Blueberry up against both members of Fighting For Nora!
That would be the two men who have already realized their advantage, and have started to close the gap. It’s Rhine who closes the distance first, and the remaining members of the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers Swimmers encircle the group.
Nick Stuart: Jonathan Rhine and King Blueberry both trying to shove the other off their log!
Richard Parker: But the odds aren’t good, because there’s still Paxton Ray to worry about.
There is one final buoy that hasn’t yet had its weapons pilfered, and it’s the one that Paxton Ray is currently next to. He unhooks a comically oversized boxing glove.
Nick Stuart: Paxton looking to introduce some plunder of his own.
Richard Parker: Well, the man is known for punching, so it makes sense.
He launches the glove like a goddamn missile.
Richard Parker: Nevermind.
It collides with King Blueberry, catching him low, just above the knee. Blueberry buckles, stumbles forward, and loses his balance on the log.
There are three splashes. First the glove hits the water, then King Blueberry, and his momentum sends him tumbling into Jonathan Rhine who falls as well.
DOOOOOOOOT DOOOOOOT DOO-DOO-DOOOOOOOOOT!
That’s the sound an air horn makes when its owner is all too excited to smash the button. Behind a face coated in sunblock and burrito bits, Melvin Beauregard beams a smile.
Nick Stuart: Paxton Ray is the last man on his feet, which means that Fighting For Nora has won the inaugural Survivor event, and will move on to choose their opponent for the tag team championship at Great American Nightmare!