TAG TEAM TITLES TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS: EMINENCE (C) VS. WINDS OF CHANGE
Event: CULTURE SHOCK 2023 NIGHT ONE
Event Date: 04/07/2023
TAG TEAM TITLES TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS: EMINENCE (C) VS. WINDS OF CHANGE
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen… the following contest, scheduled for the best two out of three falls… is for the PRIME TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP!
Nick Stuart: Folks, this one’s gonna be a doozy.
Richard Parker: But not a Doozer.
Nick Stuart: No. Anyway, this match is going to be the best two out of three falls. The first team to notch two victories will be the winner here. After a fall is registered, there will be thirty seconds of rest before the match resumes.
Richard Parker: Definitely not a Doozer.
Nick Stuart: Stop that.
The lights immediately go out in the AT&T Stadium.
There’s a murmuring in the crowd as the darkness persists until a spotlight finds the grand piano at the side of the stage. The pink-haired woman who sits at the piano isn’t widely known to the audience, but her name is Annabelle Avalon. She’s the wife of PRIME star Coral Avalon. No sooner did she appear under the spotlight did she begin playing Claude Debussy’s classic “Clair de Lune.” Perhaps you’ve heard of it.
As the song is being played, peaceful images of the moon appear on the PRIME*View. Very artistic images of the moon, the kind where the moon is way bigger on the horizon than it should be. Beautiful. Breathtaking. And… wait. Something’s wrong.
Hey, remember at UltraViolence last year where a video like this appeared with a silhouette that looked a lot like the beautiful body of our beloved powerbomb boy was dunking an alien across a night sky? Yeah. That silhouette’s back. That alien is still getting powerbombed. Only, now they’re catching fire on account of atmospheric friction. Don’t worry, though, Sid’ll be fine. He is the powerbomb.
As “Clair de Lune” continues, Sid is powerbombing this alien straight into the earth from an unsurvivable height. Fans watch a horizon with a clear blue sky – different from the giant moon they’d seen before – and a streak of fire and dark clouds and powerbombs hurling itself down mercilessly to the ground. There’s only one result that could possibly happen from this.
An explosion. From powerbombs. On screen, a CGI mushroom cloud erupts over the horizon. Out on the stage, there’s a massive pyrotechnic explosion.
The on-screen camera pans back to show a man standing there, wearing a familiar fur cloak and carrying a battle standard. With a flourish of his cloak, he turns and walks away from the explosion, not even giving it another look.
The piano has stopped. The spotlight no longer shows Annabelle on her piano. There’s a smoke hanging in the darkness from the pyrotechnics. Then there’s smoke filling the entryway, as though Dusk himself is blessing the arrival of the challengers from beyond the grave (note: Dusk is not dead, we think). What breaks the silence, you might very well ask?
An accordion, of all goddamned instruments.
Lights flare up from behind the smoke, casting three individuals in silhouette. All three of them carry battle standards, not just Coral Avalon in the center. They stand there for a moment before the chorus of KONGOS’ “Come With Me Now” hits like a runaway freight train.
WHOA, COME WITH ME NOW
I’M GONNA TAKE YOU DOWN
WHOA, COME WITH ME NOW
I’M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW
Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips are the first to burst through the fog.
Sid Phillips, the man of many nicknames, looks like a king of winter. He has a fur cloak just like Avalon’s, but his is hooded. His head is contained within the mouth of a brown bear, which should really terrify him. But dead, skinned bears are not killing machines, so he’s fine. Sid is also wearing an eyepatch. So is the bear skin. Something, something went to the Best Arena, something.
Afraid to lose control, and caught up in this world
I’ve wasted time, I’ve wasted breath, I think I’ve thought myself to death
I was born without this fear, now only this seems clear
I need to move, I need to fight, I need to lose myself tonight
Smooth Joe Fontaine, the man of one single self-proclaimed nickname, is dressed in a tiger-skinned loincloth over the top of his wrestling gear. He looks like an ancient warrior that just put on his wrestling boots. An ancient warrior wearing a tricorn hat, that is. In one hand, he’s carrying his banner. In his other hand, he’s carrying a kendo stick with the handle of a cutlass – he’s not allowed to carry a real sword after that one incident. You know the one.
WHOA, COME WITH ME NOW
I’M GONNA TAKE YOU DOWN
WHOA, COME WITH ME NOW
I’M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW
Coral moves to join them, but keeps enough of a distance that the spotlight rightfully shines on Fontaine and Phillips.
Vince Howard: Introducing first… the challengers! From Phoenix, Arizona… at a total combined weight of four hundred and seventy pounds, or two-point-eight powerbombs! They represent the Crownless Kingdom! JOE FONTAINE! SID PHILLIPS! THEY ARE… THE WINDS! OF! CHAAAAAAAAAANGE!
Joe and Sid enter the ring, careful with their equipment as they do. Now that the lights are coming back on, their flags are much clearer. Sid’s flag is primarily red like his singlet, and its design includes a stylized artwork of Sid himself powerbombing Jared Sykes. A lot of love, attention, and artistic work was put into this battle flag. Of powerbombs. Joe’s flag is simpler. Primarily green with yellow lightning bolts on it… and the familiar skull with the broken crown of the Crownless Kingdom that he now represents.
The music stops, but the fans are still actively singing the chorus of the song as Joe and Sid remove their entrance regalia. Their flags remain, though.
Nick Stuart: This one is about pride, Richard. Yes, the tag team championship is on the line, but that division will be put on ice after this match. For the Winds of Change, and for Eminence, it’s about who best represents the tag division in its twilight. Eminence’s place in history is clear. The longest reigning tag team champions. The most successful title defenses. And in the two hundred and eighty days they’ve held those belts… they have never lost as a team.
Richard Parker: Never lost as a team, and yet the Winds of Change think they can beat them twice in one night? I’m not the biggest fan of Sykes, I think he’s a dumb-dumb idiot man… but are they out of their minds?
Nick Stuart: …Dumb-dumb idiot man?
Richard Parker: You heard me!
Nick Stuart: In any case… one year ago, the Winds of Change made their first appearance at last year’s Culture Shock as part of the Tag Team Survivor. No one would’ve expected that they’d make it to the final four amongst such luminaries as the Saturday Night Specials, 2Become1, the Dangerous Mix, or even our current 5-Star Champion’s alliance with Nathan Filmix. They’ve since only lost one match in the ring in PRIME.
Richard Parker: …To the current champions. Whom, as you’ve said, have yet to lose a match as a team in PRIME. They’re doomed. Doomed!
The arena lights go dark, and for a moment there is nothing but silence. That silence is broken by the sound of a gong, and then a haze of purple mist pours through the entryway.
Richard Parker: Oh good, we’re getting more weird stuff tonight. Great. Wonderful.
Nick Stuart: Did you really expect anything different, Rich?
Richard Parker: A man can hope, Nick. A man can hope.
The gong sounds again, and then again, and finally a slow, mournful funeral dirge begins to play over the arena speakers. And yes, if you think you know where this is going then congrats, you’re probably right.
A single spotlight shines on a space over the entrance where a figure in a long black overcoat and matching hat is slowly being lowered to the ground. The more astute people in attendance will notice that this figure is not moving, because it is a mannequin.
Richard Parker: Oh for Hoyt’s sake.
Yes, the whole world watched El Hijo del Super Cool Guy die a brutal death when his own partner was used as a weapon against him, and then there was this whole ordeal with a boat and some miniguns. But this is professional wrestling, and even the dead don’t stay that way forever.
With the newly-risen SCG suspended over the entrance, we can get to the real entrance. Or at least the part that Justine didn’t roll her eyes at too hard when all this bullshit was suggested.
There’s acapella chanting that fills the arena, as the first pieces of Jonathan Young’s power metal cover of “I See Fire” begins to sound out over the crowd. Brock will try and tell you the Ed Sheeran version is superior, but he’s full of shit. Don’t believe him.
The PRIMEview comes to life, showing three simple letters: KOP. Slowly cracks begin to form in each one, growing strong as the drum beat rises and chants get more intense.
A sword drives through the O, scattering all three letters into pieces. Flames rise up on either side of the blade, and when they finally die down a new word remains on the screen with the blade still behind it.
A wall of flame erupts across the stage.
Mister Howard, it’s time to let the people know.
Vince Howard: Making their way to the ring… Hailing from Boston, Massachusetts they weigh in tonight at…
He glances at his card and the irritation on his face is palpable.
Vince Howard: A total combined weight of two-hundred pounds plus “Look, Vince, I thought we had a thing going here, but then you went rogue and I can’t be held responsible for asking the W question right now,” and… son of a…
This could be the last time these two team together for a while on PRIME television, so we’re playing all the hits.
Vince Howard: Standing at a total combined height of eleven feet and four inches…
He throws the card away, utterly over this shit. In fairness, he thought he was over it months ago, but some people can’t let a joke go.
Vince Howard: Jared Sykes… Justine Calvin… They are the PRIME world tag team champions…
If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night
Calling out father oh
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side (high)
Vince Howard: This! Is! EMINENCE!!
There are no goofy outfits tonight, because despite everything that’s preceded it this is still a serious matter. Their division dies in a few minutes, and it’s not the kind of thing that you bring costumes to.
Nevermind the mannequin dressed like an, ummm, spooky mortuary lich. That’s different.
And if we should die tonight
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time
Calling out father oh
Prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky
The pair are all business as they make their way down the aisle to the ring before turning over their hardware to Jimmy Turnbull. Before he passes his along, Sykes gives one final tap to the side plate on his championship belt, the one that’s featured a strawberry sticker ever since they won them at Great American Nightmare last July.
Nick Stuart: Vince Howard taking his leave now and we’re about to get underway.
Richard Parker: Man deserves a raise for having to deal with all this bullsh–
Nick Stuart: Looks like it’s going to be Joe Fontaine and after very little convincing, Justine Calvin here to start things off.
Justine smirks as she circles the young Joe Fontaine. Joe shrugs his shoulders, confidently? We’re still unsure if that was confidence or stupidity. In Joe’s case probably stupidity. Anyway Justine is all ‘Imma kill you,’ and Joe is all ‘Imma kill you harder,’ which we all know is really ‘oh my god I’m going to fucking die a horrible, painful death at the hands of this beautiful angry woman.’
Yeah it’s gonna be like that.
I mean it hasn’t happened yet, I was talking about how this whole thing is going to go.
Yeah, it’s the first fall. I can make this about me if I want.
Anyway Joe puts up his dukes, doing his best Mike Tyson impression and Justine stalks the antelope like a lioness in the fucking Sarengetti. Joe bounces on his toes and throws a jab, Justine leaps into action. A right hook to Joe’s open stomach leads us off and sends Joe Fontaine’s mouth open. Justine fires a left hand just below Fontaine’s eye, smashing into his orbital bone.
Joe is clearly in for a world of shit.
Richard Parker: Is Joe Fontaine a meme?
Nick Stuart: Yes, Jabber is already busy.
Joe tries to cover up, but Justine is beating that ass. Another straight right hand collides with Joe’s jaw, Fontaine tries to back away but Justine takes a step forward grabbing Joe by the back of the head and much like a big Russian man will do later in our main event, she yeets him into the far corner. Joe collides with the turnbuckles and Justine is already all over him. A flurry of hands to the body follows and Justine smirks, spinning around completely and practically decapitating Joe with a discus right hand.
Nick Stuart: OUCH!
Richard Parker: She punches real hard. Someone get some ice ready in the back. Fontaine’s face is going to be swollen up like a balloon.
Nick Stuart: Not if Justine Calvin keeps trying to cave it in.
Fontaine flips over the top rope, bounces off the apron and onto the arena floor. Sid looks on in pure horror as Justine looks over the top rope and motions for Joe to get up and back into the ring. Joe starts to move on the arena floor, he groggily gets back to his feet as our favorite tag team referee Jimmy T makes his way over to the ropes for a count.
Richard Parker: What do you think LT is going to do with Turnbull, there?
Nick Stuart: I’m sure he’ll be fine. Lindsay Troy is an incredible owner.
Richard Parker: They said the same thing about Elon at one time.
Nick Stuart: Gimme a break, Richard.
Richard Parker: I’m just saying someone should be helping him get his LinkedIn profile re…
Joe stumbles his way back towards the ring. As he goes to roll into the ring, Justine makes sure she cuts him off from his own corner. Practically ushering Fontaine into Jared. Joe takes a deep breath while Turnbull checks on him for a moment. Joe prepares himself again, and this time waits for Justine to come to him. He can hear Sykes talking right behind him, “She’s probably going to kill you, dude…”
As if on command Justine steps in with a left jab testing Joe’s defenses. He gets a pretty good shell up and starts to side step his way around Justine Calvin. Justine fires off two hooking lefts that Joe manages to block, but he gets backed into the corner anyway. Calvin tries to catch him with a right, but Fontaine manages to block again.
Richard Parker: Maybe Fontaine’s a counter puncher.
Nick Stuart: There’s a lot of maybes…
Fontaine isn’t a counter puncher at all. He’s very urgently trying to not have his head ripped from his shoulders by Justine Calvin. She unloads another body shot that causes Joe to wince and cover up. Justine gives Jared a look and the recently engaged couple make a quick tag over Fontaine. Sykes swings wide over the top rope, and smashes feet first into Joe’s midsection. Joe goes down in a heap, and Sykes is back up quickly. He pulls Fontaine to his feet, and drives a right hand, and then a forearm into the side of Fontaine’s face.
Nick Stuart: Quick tag, good teamwork.
Richard Parker: Still in the honeymoon phase Nick, wait till Sykes starts eating Cheetos off his stomach naked in the living room. Or buys a fucking dinosaur themed bicycle helmet. Just wait.
Nick Stuart: Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.
Richard Parker: I’m not that experienced… I’ve only been married four times.
Joe gets some fight back and sticks Jared in the midsection with a jab, but Jared returns the favor with a big knee into Joe’s midsection. Sykes takes off to one side of the ring, and comes back sprinting across the ring. He leaps into the air going for a hip attack, or an ass blaster. Whatever you want to call it. Anyway Sykes is flying through the air, his glorious ass primed for Joe Fontaine’s face. Joe, clearly noticing the ass coming based on the size of the shadow on the ground, and how he was suddenly standing in the dark just like that time he saw a full solar eclipse, ducks under.
Richard Parker: OUCH!
Jared smashes himself onto the top rope, his ass sliding back and colliding with the ring post. Jared sits there with a look of absolute shock and horror on his face as he’s straddled across the top turnbuckle. The pain in his tailbone radiates up his spine, almost paralyzing him. Joe begins to slowly crawl his way across the ring towards the outstretched hand of Sid Phillips. Justine, knowing the fury that The One Who Powerbombs could unleash on a weakened Jared, makes a business decision. She pushes her clearly worse half off of the turnbuckle and into the ring, the second he lands she slaps Sykes on the shoulder and springboards up to the top rope.
Richard Parker: Justine wants it! She wants it bad! She smells blood in the water!
Nick Stuart: Yes she most certainly does!
Justine springs to the center of the ring and comes down across Fontaine’s back with an elbow drop. Joe shakes like he got mildly electrocuted and Justine flips him over and hooks a leg. Jimmy T slides in, near perfectly. He delivers the best count of his life.
Nick Stuart: NO!
Fontaine kicks out for some stupid reason. If he had half a brain cell he would have sacked this fall to tag in the Rave Daddy Sasquatch. Yes, that’s a nickname for Sid. Just read the bio. READ THE FUCKING BIO BEFORE IT TAKES CONTROL OF THE WEBSITE. Anyway, He totally should have just let Justine pin him, but he didn’t and now he must be punished for his transgressions.
Richard Parker: I think that’s a mistake, Nick. Should have got the big guy in there. Even if it costs you a fall.
Justine drives a forearm across the bridge of Joe’s nose. Justine Calvin drags Fontaine up to his feet, she cocks back for a right hand and Joe finally does the first intelligent thing he’s done all match. He falls forward into Justine, pushing her backwards and off balance. The two clinch up and Joe is quick to go to work, off of instincts alone. He reverses behind her, Justine grabs at Joe’s hand over his wrist and tries to pry them off, but Joe keeps it tight. Justine tries to spin around, but Joe keeps her back, and finally is able to rip her to the ground with a weak German suplex. Justine hits the ground and rolls to her feet, now twice as pissed.
Richard Parker: Should have just stayed behind her until he figured out how to tag the powerbomber in.
Nick Stuart: Not a bad idea.
Joe spins around and Justine is already coming back at him. But this is more Joe Fontaine’s speed. This isn’t standing with your dukes up. This is wrestling. And Joe Fontaine may be dumber than a doorknob, he’s very, very good at wrestling. Justine throws a haymaker but Joe hits her with a drop toe hold and takes her down to the ground. Joe is up quickly, and so is Justine. She takes a swing and Joe backs away towards the ropes. Justine steps forward with another jab but Joe bounces off the middle rope and slips a roundhouse kick to the head that sends Justine down to the mat. Joe is over the top rope in an instant, he waits on Justine and as she gets up he explodes, springboarding off the rope and catching her with a two footed dropkick to the chest.
Nick Stuart: Joe is finally getting something going here against Calvin.
Richard Parker: Needs to tag that big beautiful monster of a man in.
Sid’s beautiful locks flow in the wind of the arena for a moment. Or maybe it’s the air conditioning, I dunno, Jerry World is pretty big. It probably has its own wind patterns. Anyway, Sid stands there like a beautiful tanned and rugged colossus while Joe Fontaine keeps trying his best not to die. Jared is finally back on his feet, he’s slapping the top turnbuckle with his hand and the tag rope begging for Justine to come tag him. Joe regroups for a second, and starts waiving Justine up, tuning up the band.
Richard Parker: Let her tag Sykes in…
Nick Stuart: He’s been having success against Calvin recently.
Sid reaches out his hand, but that fucking idiot Joe tries to superkick Justine Calvin’s head into the 2024 edition of ReVival, but Justine ducks underneath, grabbing Joe Fontaine around the waste, and throwing him over her head and down to the canvas with an exploder suplex. Justine and Joe are both down, both breathing heavy. Justine starts to crawl to her corner first, Joe starts shortly after. Justine dives and reaches out, and gets the outstretched hand of Jared Sykes.
Nick Stuart: Sid Phillips is willing Joe Fontaine to tag him!
Sid is pounding the turnbuckle, stretching out over the top rope. He reaches out, like Michaelangelo’s God on the roof of the Sistine Chapel, his arm completely out stretched, he’s shouting, the muscles on his neck bulging. Joe Fontaine dives forward.
Richard Parker: Told you he should have tagged him when he had the chance.
Jared Sykes yanks Joe Fontaine back to the center of the ring. Joe crawls and tries to drag himself, but Sykes plants a boot into the back of Joe’s knee while maintaining a hold on the ankle. Fontaine yelps and Jared drops a knee right into the back of Fontaine’s knee. Jared grabs Joe by the back of the head and yanks him up to his knees, switching around for a front face lock. He rotates and snaps Fontaine over, he sends him back to the mat with a snap suplex back towards the Eminence corner.
Nick Stuart: Smart ring control from the Tag Team Champions of the World.
Sykes jumps to his feet and hits the ropes. He comes back to a now sitting Joe Fontaine, slides in and smashes Fontaine with a sliding elbow to the back of the head. Fontaine snaps forward then backwards as Sykes crawls over and hooks a leg for a pin.
Nick Stuart: KICKOUT!
Richard Parker: Kid’s lucky he doesn’t have that many eggs to scramble.
Nick Stuart: I think they were scrambled awhile ago.
Nick was right, Joe Fontaine kicked out and started reaching his arm out towards an empty corner. Joe realizes his mistake and starts reaching out towards his corner but Sykes cuts him off with a boot to the side of the head.
Richard Parker: Ain’t gonna be that easy, kid.
Sykes pulls Fontaine up, and Joe tries to shove Sykes off of him. Going for the most basic strategy ever to make a tag. Sykes allows Joe to turn his back, but jumps up, and flips him back over with a poison rana. Joe’s head collides with the mat as an audible ‘ooooooh’ goes up from the crowd. Sykes flips Fontaine over again and hooks his leg.
Fontaine thrusts his shoulder up at the last second.
Richard Parker: Looks like Justine Calvin wants to go back to punching Joe Fontaine in the head.
Nick Stuart: Poor Joe.
Sykes nods his head and brings Joe over to the Eminence corner. He tags Calvin in and holds Fontaine’s arm up exposing his midsection. Justine fires off a haymaker that drops Joe Fontaine down to his knees.
Nick Stuart: That kid has taken a hell of a beating so far…
Richard Parker: It’s like he’s made out of rubber.
Calvin drags Fontaine to his feet in a front face lock. She twists over and takes Fontaine down with a neckbreaker. Sid Phillips is looking through his fingers, hardly able to watch his future brother-in-law keep getting the hell kicked out of him.
Richard Parker: Looks like Phillips is losing hope, Nick.
Nick Stuart: Wouldn’t you? I mean Fontaine’s been through the ringer here.
Joe Fontaine had absolutely been through the ringer, and that’s why Justine went for another cover. Sometimes it works. You never know.
Joe manages to get his foot on the rope.
Jimmy T, fighting for his job, sees it immediately and stops the pinfall attempt.
Richard Parker: Great referee, how do I endorse his ability to see a foot on the rope on here?
Nick Stuart: I hate you.
That probably wouldn’t be the last time Nick told Richard that he hated him tonight. It probably wasn’t the first. Anyway, back to this. Justine smiles at Jared and brings Fontaine back to his feet, she throws him into the corner and Fontaine immediately slumps down onto the bottom turnbuckle. Justine plants a boot into Joe’s chest, holding him there to tag Sykes in. Jared comes through the ropes and drives a boot to Fontaine’s midsection. Jared bends Fontaine down, and is now determined to finish the first fall of the match. He lifts Fontaine up onto the top turnbuckle and climbs up to meet him.
Nick Stuart: Dangerous places.
Richard Parker: Gotta kill this kid somehow. He’s like a cockroach. Gotta find something stronger than nuclear weapons.
The Thing That The Manhattan Project Really Feared was waiting in the far corner, shouting for Joe. Jared steps all the way up onto the top turnbuckle with Fontaine. He places him in a front facelock and tries to flip Joe over. Fontaine manages to slip his head free and shoves Sykes off of the top rope to the mat. Fontaine, half falls, half jumps, it was probably on purpose, it could have been on purpose, if it wasn’t Joe Fontaine made up for it by bringing his elbow down into the center of Jared Sykes’ chest on the landing. Both men are hit with the jumper cables this time, and find themselves laying in the center of the ring.
Richard Parker: TAG THE GIANT POWERBOMB MAN IN YOU DIPSHIT!
Nick Stuart: I think that’s what he’s been trying to do for awhile…
Richard Parker: He actually needs to do it this time.
Joe Fontaine begins to crawl. His elbows move themselves one in front of the other. Very, very, very slowly. Like he’s crawling across a beach at Normandy while trying not to be seen by German snipers. Justine is pounding the top turnbuckle as Jared slowly starts to make his way to understanding what was going on. By the time Jared has the full situation figured out, Joe Fontaine is already a quarter of the way across the ring. He looks at Justine, and knows he’d never make it in time. He dives after Fontaine’s leg and manages to grab on. A look of pure horror goes across Joe’s face as he’s just inches away.
Richard Parker: Oh he’s fucked.
Nick Stuart: …probably.
Sykes tries to pull Joe backwards, but Fontaine, out of sheer rage and fear of Justine Calvin beating his brains in, drags the giant dumper Jared Sykes has across the mat like a dog on the carpet and reaches out. Jerry World is a pretty big stadium, it seats a fucking shitton of people for wrestling. Like a metric shit ton. And in this moment, as Joe Fontaine reaches out and slaps the hand of Sid Phillips the entire place loses their collective minds.
Richard Parker: HE DID IT! HE DID IT!
Nick Stuart: Here comes Siddy!
The look on Jared Sykes’ face meant he knew exactly what was coming. I mean he knew a man who had been edged on powerbombs for near twenty eight minutes was finally finding his way into a match and Jared Sykes was the one thing in his way. Jared knew a powerbombplosion was imminent. He had no fucking clue what he was watching though as he got to his feet. Sid Phillips, Mr. Powerbomb Esq. to the rest of you idiots does the only thing a man who has been on the brink for the last twenty minutes can do. He violently slings himself over the top rope and absolutely decapitates Jared with a buckshot lariat.
Richard Parker: HE JUST POWERBOMBED HIMSELF!
Nick Stuart: Kinda looked like a laria…
Richard Parker: HE JUST POWERBOMBED HIMSELF!
The lariat wasn’t the prettiest thing that’s ever happened in wrestling. It wasn’t like watching someone execute a move so smoothly that you’d only remember the move for Sid Phillips. Really it was a man powerbombing himself over the top rope and swinging his arms wildly with a lot of momentum. Sadly that momentum connected with Jared Sykes’ larynx and he flips over like an Olympic diver. There’s a rotation and a half, with a twist for good measure. Sid hooks Sykes leg as Jimmy T comes back in for another perfect, immaculate, fantastic, please give him a job LT, count.
Jared Sykes is a lot of things. And in this match, we’ve referenced one idiot, over and over again. That being Joe Fontaine. But he’s not the only dipshit in this match. Before Joe Fontaine was born into this world, it already had one primordial dipshit. Instead of taking the fall and regrouping, Jared Sykes throws his shoulder up kicking out.
Richard Parker: Oh…
Nick Stuart: Here we go…
A sick maniacal grin.
If you thought Joe Fontaine was dead earlier, you have no idea how fucked Jared Sykes is about to be. Sid gets to his feet and wraps his massive, bulging arms around Jared Sykes’ torso. Sid Phillips lifts the only man with a (wrong)claim to being the most beautiful man in PRIME up by his midsection. He flips Sykes over, whipping him up and over his shoulder, and then crashing back down to the mat with a devastating deadlift powerbomb. It’s Justine’s turn to be looking through her fingers. Somewhere on the other side of the ring Joe Fontaine realizes he’s in Texas while Jimmy T slides in for another cover.
Richard Parker: Oh God…
Nick Stuart: Justine won’t let them lose the tag belts like this!
Justine climbs onto the top rope.
Richard Parker: She’s insane!
Like a T-Rex sensing movement, Sid sees her leap.
Sid jumps to his feet and catches the leaping Calvin in prime Powerbomb position. Justine is absolutely shocked and begins waving her arms wildly, while Sid Phillips plants her into the canvas with a classic powerbomb.
Richard Parker: HE PLUCKED HER OUT OF MIDAIR!
Nick Stuart: Calvin’s in trouble now!
The big fella takes a second to breath, but does not let go of Calvin, he pulls her all the way back up from whence she came. Jared Sykes gets to his feet, and Sid lifts Justine Calvin as high as he can and launches her into the stratosphere. Joe, finally realizing that he is in a wrestling match today, and that it is currently happening now, sees Jared Sykes trying to dive in front of Justine Calvin. But the release Sid put on the powerbomb has made things awkward and now he has to catch Justine Calvin out of mid-air essentially using his shoulders. Realizing Sid is in a two on one situation, Joe slaps him on the shoulder and comes through the ropes past Jimmy T. Calvin’s head snaps back, but she quickly sits up on Sykes’ shoulders while Fontaine springs up onto his larger partner’s own shoulders.
Richard Parker: No… they wouldn’t…
Yes Richard. Yes they fucking would.
Nick Stuart: They are playing chicken…
Justine takes a swing at Joe, but Joe is able to lean back further because of his height, and Sid’s broadness has given him a better platform. Fontaine fires a right hand down at Justine that connects. Meanwhile, below the madness happening on their shoulders, Sid Phillips hardly notices Joe is there and is charging after Jared, trying to grab him for another powerbomb. Jared has to punch and kick to keep Sid at arms length.
Nick Stuart: Interesting game developing here…
Richard Parker: Is this a pool party at the MGM? This is some shit from last year.
Sid’s reaching finally costs Joe as he is leaned forward onto the back of his partner’s neck, Justine manages to smash him with a jab. The stability of Jared having found his way against the ropes begins to pay dividends and she connects with another jab, and another jab. Joe snaps backwards onto Sid’s back. Justine starts punching down at Sid, but Joe sits up and does the only thing a man sitting on a powerbomb boy’s back can do. He grabs hold of Justine Calvin.
Nick Stuart: What in the hell…
Joe Fontaine isn’t a strong man. He likes to jump off things, he likes to wrestle, but he’s not a strong man. Sid Phillips is a strong man. He’s the one that lifts the heavy things, throws the people, and all is well and good. But today, Joe Fontaine has to be a strong man. All 180 lbs of Joe Fontaine’s power goes into removing 125 lbs from Jared Sykes’ shoulders. Joe tries to emulate his partner with a gut wrench powerbomb, but all he succeeds in doing is dropping Justine off of Jared’s shoulders and onto the back of her head. Jared is shocked at his partner laying in front of him, and it gives Sid Phillips enough of an opening. He grabs Sykes and starts to lift him, Sykes throws an elbow into Sid’s midsection that causes Joe to wobble. Sid grunts and fires an elbow of his own, to the back of Sykes’ head.
Richard Parker: That Sid Phillips Elbow Smash!
Nick Stuart: He learned it against The Kings of Popsicles last year…
Richard Parker: You mean Eminence…
Nick Stuart: Well I mean…
Richard Parker: Wait, these are the same people?
Nick Stuart: I can’t with you…
Sykes goes limp and Sid manages to lift Sykes up for a powerbomb. Sykes and Joe Fontaine come face to face. Joe smiles and presses himself off of his partners shoulders, Sid Phillips brings Jared Sykes down as hard as it is humanly possible to powerbomb another man, while Joe Fontaine rides down on Jared Sykes’ chest like a little dabbing Yokozuna. All of this lands directly on Justine Calvin’s chest.
Richard Parker: OH SHIT! OW!
Nick Stuart: Oh shit is right, wow.
Joe Fontaine stumbles back to his corner while Sid Phillips, after a feat of incredible strength Phillips collapses as Jared Sykes finds himself planted with his gigantic derriere on Justine Calvin, but his shoulders pinned to the mat by Joe Fontaine’s.
Vince Howard: Your winner of the first fall… THE WIIIIIIIIIIIIINDS OF CHAAAAAAAANGE!
Nick Stuart: If you are Eminence… What do you do in this thirty second rest period?
Richard Parker: Hope nothing is broken.
Joe Fontaine gets to his feet and helps Sid back to the corner. Sid is smiling and patting Fontaine on the back as the two discuss strategy. Sid is clearly breathing heavily, but Justine Calvin and Jared Sykes look like they got hit by a powerbombing freight train. Sykes is the first to his feet, and he helps Calvin to the apron while she holds her head. He looks across the ring at Fontaine, holds his ribs, and gets ready for the next fall.
Nick Stuart: Looks like the thirty second timer is about up, and we’re ready to go.
Richard Parker: Hopefully Calvin can forgive Sykes for landing on her like that. See, I told you, just like eating cheetos in the living room naked, this could be the first thing!
Fontaine comes across the ring and Sykes meets him. The two lock up, collar and elbow tie-up style. Sykes initially gets the upper hand turning the lockup into a hammerlock. Fontaine grimaces, but turns with a sharp elbow into Sykes’ chest that causes the former SCCW Universal Champion to clutch his ribs. Fontaine is lightning quick, and is able to turn through and send Jared Sykes to the ropes. He comes back off of them and Fontaine leapfrogs him, as Jared comes back, Fontaine hits a falling hip toss that brings Jared crashing to the mat.
Richard Parker: Good wrestling from the punching bag so far this fall.
Nick Stuart: Fontaine’s face is starting to swell up a bit from the beating Calvin gave him last fall.
Fontaine locks in a rear headlock on Sykes for a few seconds before taking off into the ropes himself, he comes back with a shotgun dropkick to Sykes’ mouth. Jared flips end over end onto his stomach from the blow and Fontaine tries for a cover. The impeccable Jimmy T slides in for the count.
Richard Parker: Eminence doesn’t have any falls to give here, so now it is no longer stupid to kick out.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think anyone wants to just give up a fall.
No Richard, nobody wants to just give away a fall. Even if they just got powerbombed through 47 different alternate dimensions and finally were able to come back to this reality, looking like they got hit by a steamroller. Fontaine gets back to his feet and it’s his turn to drag Sykes up behind him. Fontaine hits a little moonwalk, and peppers a jab into Sykes nose. Sykes recoils and our beautiful idiot Joe Fontaine grabs an arm and sends him into a neutral corner with an Irish whip. Sykes crashes into the corner and Fontaine follows him in, driving a rising knee into Sykes’ upper chest area.
Richard Parker: Sykes is already banged up there…
Nick Stuart: And it looks like Joe Fontaine is catching a second wind here.
Richard Parker: Probably more like his fourth. He’s been trying to catch a wind all day around here, trying to save them for later.
Nick Stuart: Really?
Richard Parker: You had to check.
Fontaine is on fire, and heads back across the ring, he slaps his hands off of his thighs and comes sprinting into the corner. He steps up for a dabbing shining wizard but Jared Sykes manages to move out of the way and Joe connects with all turnbuckle. Sykes makes his way to the corner and manages to tag in Justine Calvin.
Nick Stuart: Here comes Fontaine.
Joe doesn’t give her a second to breath and runs from the corner to smash Justine with a running forearm. Jared looks shocked, and Justine is already on the ropes. Fontaine heads to the ropes and comes back with a big dropkick that flips Justine Calvin off the apron and down to the floor. Fontaine takes off at a running sprint once again for the ropes, and comes back, Sykes, being a bit of a jumpy boy himself ascends to the top rope. Fontaine goes flying over the top rope to the arena floor and crashes into Calvin with a diving senton. Fontaine gets up and starts moonwalking, finishing with a dab. Normally everyone yells at Joe at this point and tells him to shut the fuck up, and throws a small amount of garbage at Joe for being a fucking idiot. But this time, Jared Sykes happens to be airborne and Joe Fontaine is none the wiser. He’s never been wiser in his life. Ever. Never Ever.
Richard Parker: GUESS YOU GOTTA GO BIG TO GET BACK INTO THIS THING!
Jared Sykes leaps off of the top turnbuckle, moonsaulting himself, and twisting through the air like a beautiful controlled flying dipshit psychopath. He connects with Joe Fontaine and the two are down in a heap.
Nick Stuart: Here comes the big man!
Richard Parker: Oh shit.
Sykes is as clueless as Joe Fontaine was. Mostly because nobody ever expected Sid Phillips to take off at a sprint, round the corner, and leap off the apron like a fucking beautiful maniac, but he fucking did it and Jared Sykes is his target. Phillips flings himself off of the apron at Sykes and spins through the air like a cannonball. He crashes into Sykes, and the two come down on top of Joe Fontaine.
Richard Parker: HE JUST POWERBOMBED HIMSELF OFF THE APRON!
Nick Stuart: That’s a senton…
Richard Parker: IT’S A GOD DAMNED POWERBOMB NICK!
Our beautiful, potentially soon to be unemployed tag-team specialist referee Jimmy T does the only thing he can do. He starts to count.
Richard Parker: Did they all die?
Richard Parker: That would be really anti-climactic if they all just died…
Nick Stuart: Eminence needs to find a way to get back into this ring. Winds can lose this fall here, they could get counted out and be declared the winner.
Finally Justine is seen dragging herself out of the carnage. She pulls herself up using the apron.
She looks around, realizing where the count is, and tries to dive back in, but Sid Phillips has a hold of her leg.
Justine makes one final lunge, and is able to rip her leg out of Sid’s grip, sliding in under the bottom rope. Joe Fontaine, the legal man, is still laying limp under a pile of bodies. Including part of Sid Phillips. That’s a lot of ass to be laying on top of a man. RIP Joe Fontaine. He died as he wished he had lived, buried under asses.
Richard Parker: No way is he going to make it…
Vince Howard: The winner of the second fall by count out… EMINENCE!
Fontaine and Phillips help each other across the ring, while Justine Calvin rolls out and checks on Jared. She helps him get to his feet, still clutching at his chest. Having a human wrecking ball land on him really did a number. Phillips and Fontaine talk in the corner, so far Joe Fontaine has started every fall, and with Joe’s current posture that doesn’t look to be a possibility as he hangs his head across the top turnbuckle. Phillips steps through the ropes and insists Fontaine take up a spot on the apron.
Richard Parker: Looks like Phillips wants to take the lead.
Joe shakes his head side to side and Sid steps back through the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Joe Fontaine waves him off though, that kid has so much heart.
Richard Parker: No brains though.
He turns around and finds himself staring into the green eyes of Justine Calvin. He takes a deep breath and nods to the best referee who may be unemployed in the near future, Jimmy T to go ahead and start it up.
It’s fast, it’s violent. Justine Calvin storms across the ring like a ball of fury, she tries to replicate the start of the first fall by backing Joe up into his corner, but this time Joe is prepared. He runs directly at Calvin.
Richard Parker: She’s going to clean his clock!
She doesn’t though. Justine pulls back for a hook, and Joe Fontaine leapfrogs over her and hits the ropes. Justine swings a wicked clothesline but Joe ducks under, springboarding off of the ropes and smashing her with a back elbow. Justine skids across the canvas and Joe Fontaine has officially entered the motherfucking zone. He sprints in again planting a kneeling Calvin with a hurricanrana. Calvin’s head rolls across the mat and she flips over. Joe jumps up, bouncing off the second rope and coming down across Calvin’s chest with a springboard moonsault.
Richard Parker: I don’t know what those two talked about… but holy shit is that kid fired up…
Nick Stuart: Joe Fontaine is on fire and Eminence’s record setting tag team championship reign is under threat.
Fontaine hooks both of Calvin’s legs up over her head, he bridges back with his hand in the air he counts along with Jimmy Turnbull.
Nick Stuart: Justine kicks out! The record setting reign is still alive!
Justine Calvin kicks out at the last possible second and looks over to her corner. Sykes is still holding his ribs, but he has his arm outstretched for the tag. Justine can see the game of chess in her mind, Calvin tags Sykes, Joe tags Sid. One look at the bruising along the side of the ribs, and the wincing face, she knows that can’t be the plan yet. She needed to give Jared more time. Justine rolls to her feet and throws an absolute zinger at Joe Fontaine that connects. Joe gets hit, and this time he doesn’t fold like a wet paper towel. He screams like some type of fucking super saiyan and punches Justine Calvin right back and rocks her. Joe comes in with a head full of steam, and throws another wild right hand. Justine does the only thing she can think of in this situation, she steps to the right and takes the wind out of Joe’s sails by dropping him face first to the mat, with his arm torqued backwards.
Richard Parker: Calvin is finding a way!
Nick Stuart: She’s got a submission locked in!
Justine yanks back on the head she’d managed to trap in a crossface. She pulls back, like a little demon gremlin woman, she’s wrapped around Fontaine’s arm and yanking like her life depends on it. Fontaine’s face is a look of sheer anguish. He’s shocked, mortified, and looking for an escape. His eyes dance rapidly, from Sid to the ropes. Joe could still give a little more. He knew it, he had to.
Nick Stuart: Fontaine crawling to the ropes!
Richard Parker: Should be crawling to Phillips!
The Chess Game continues as Joe yanks himself with his free arm across the mat. Calvin is shocked he didn’t go for the tag. She drops the crossface, giving Joe a second of relief, but suddenly she snaps up his other arm and is bending Joe Fontaine in half. Joe screams as Justine pulls back on his arm and begins to contort his wrist.
See Tag Team Wrestling is different. When you’ve been in the ring with your opponents for somewhere north of two hours, over three different falls, you know everything. You know how each team member matches up. You know the strengths and weaknesses of your partner. If you’re Joe Fontaine you know Sid has one more explosion in him. He had one more omega missile strike. Just like Justine Calvin knew Jared was on his last legs.
You know everything about your partner. That’s what makes tag team special, you become a family. It’s what makes tag team wrestling unique. And here we saw two families engaged in a dangerous game with the ultimate prize for each in the balance.
Nick Stuart: Tough spot for Fontaine!
Joe knows he’s in pain, he knows he’s in agony. But he has to hold on, he has to keep fighting. Because he knows the next move of the game. This submission hold was one part of a much larger picture. A battle within a war. Joe begins to rise to his knees with Justine on his back.
Richard Parker: Holy fuck.
Joe gets a foot underneath him and makes the dive of his life. Practically decapitating himself on the top rope. You sacrifice for your family. Joe Fontaine sacrificed his body today for his brother. Sid is reaching his arm out to Joe as the fantastically potentially future endeavored Jimmy T makes the call for the rope break. Calvin collapses, while Fontaine rolls over onto his back, his head still on the top rope. His chest heaves while he tries to draw air in. Justine slowly makes her way to her feet, the same as Joe.
Nick Stuart: That submission attempt took a lot out of Calvin.
Richard Parker: This match has taken a lot out of everyone.
Justine wills herself to her feet first. She stumbles over to the ropes and grabs Fontaine by the hair, slowly dragging him to his feet. Fontaine fires a right hand, then another right hand, then another right hand. Each one staggers Calvin more, but finally she gets her bearings and fires back with a left jab that catches Joe right on the bridge of the nose. Joe winces, his nose erupts, blood pouring down. He tries not to blink, he has to keep his eyes open.
Richard Parker: Oh shit! That’s his nose!
Calvin lands a body shot, and Joe blinks. He has no choice, it’s just a reaction. It’s like when Ray Stantz thought of the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. It was just a reaction. But he knew, he saw the pieces falling into place. Joe takes the only shot he has. He loads up a blind right hand, he loaded the right hand up in Florida. Back where this latest confrontation started. He brought it forward as hard as he possibly could… Justine Calvin, is mid-throw for a second left jab, but it never connects. She sees the blow coming but it’s too late. She can’t stop it. The wild right hand connects and Justine Calvin is absolutely rocked.
Nick Stuart: WHAT A RIGHT HAND FROM FONTAINE! CALVIN IS ON THE ROPES!
There’s been other Calvin’s on the ropes. Justine’s father had been there a time or two, Justine had even seen it in person. Her onslaught was stopped, and the world started to fade around the edges. She knew the right hand had bought Joe time, she was just hoping the broken nose had bought her enough time. She glances back towards Jared, her vision begins to focus. Joe Fontaine is standing in the middle of the ring, trying to wipe the water out of his eyes. As he wipes he smears the blood from his nose across his cheek. The nose is pouring like an open faucet, there’s no cut man in wrestling. Nobody is going to shove cotton up your nose to stabilize it. Joe was on his own with this problem. He looked back towards his corner through the blurred vision, the looming figure of Sid was there, but Fontaine still knew better.
Richard Parker: GET HIM IN THERE!
Finally Joe gains a moment of clarity and storms back at Justine. She has to go first. Joe grabs Justine by the hair and whips her into the ropes. Joe slams into the ropes himself and comes back. Joe leaps at Calvin with a forearm but Calvin ducks under. Joe hits the mats and rolls to the apron. Calvin hits the far ropes and comes back. Fontaine leaps to the top rope and springboards himself across the ring with an angled shooting star press.
Nick Stuart: SIRROCO—NO!
Justine Calvin rolls under as Joe lands on one foot and kneels. Justine is already back up, grabbing Joe by the back of the head. She grabs Joe by the tights, yanking him to his feet, pulls him up, and dumps him over backwards.
Nick Stuart: OMMMMEEEEGGGGGAAAAAAA 13!!!! Justine Calvin smashed Joe Fontaine with Sykes’ finisher.
Richard Parker: HE’S DONE FOR! SHOULD HAVE TAGGED PHILLIPS!
Calvin hooks Joe’s far leg as Jimmy T counts.
Richard Parker: HE’S ALIVE!
Nick Stuart: I don’t know how he did it, but Joe Fontaine kicked out of Omega 13.
Calvin slaps the mat angrily, clearly frustrated. She slowly gets to her feet, and drags the bloodied Fontaine up alongside her. She grabs Joe in a front face lock, looking for a suplex but Fontaine drives an elbow down across the back of her head.
Nick Stuart: Where is this fight coming from, Richard?
Richard Parker: I have no idea, Nick.
Calvin lets go grabbing the back of her skull, Fontaine takes a step back giving everything he has left and explodes off the ropes, he jumps into the air to grab Calvin for a tornado DDT, he rotates, but something feels wrong. Calvin spins with him and shoves him off of her and into the air. Joe smashes face first into the canvas at the feet of Sid Phillips. Justine races over and drives a boot into the middle of his back. Joe has no choice.
Richard Parker: HERE HE COMES!
Calvin has no hope. She’s done her job, she knows what happens next. This furious goliath of a man has found her across the ring. She tries to step to the side, but Sid grabs her around the waist and yanks her up over his head. The beautiful rugged powerbombing son of a bitch drives her into the canvas. Justine knows the ride isn’t over. Sid lifts her up again, this time falling forward with her and smashing her into the mat for a second time. Sid stacks her up, while Jimmy Turnbull slides in for the count.
Nick Stuart: Calvin kicks out again!
Richard Parker: Looks like she needs more powerbombs Nick.
Sid Phillips thought the same thing. He runs over towards Justine who is trying to make it to her corner and grabs her around the waist. He flings her up onto his shoulder, as she is lifted, she barely manages to touch the hand of Jared Sykes.
Nick Stuart: Here comes Sykes.
Sykes roars into the ring like a ball of fire. While Sid Phillips may be a Tunguska level event, Jared Sykes is no slouch himself. Jared takes the big man down at the knees with a low dropkick. Sid manages to lose his grip and Justine Calvin lands on her feet. She stumbles back to her corner holding her head while Jared Sykes goes to work. Jared bounces off the ropes, comes back and throws himself knee first at Phillips. Sykes connects across Sid’s nose.
Richard Parker: OW!
Sykes knows it’s not going to be enough. Holding his ribs he marches over to Phillips and pulls him up to his feet. He bends him backwards, and looks to his corner. Justine Calvin, still in pain jumps to the top rope and off in one fluid motion. Jared lifts Sid up, giving it everything he has. Joe Fontaine tries to run into the ring but Justine Calvin lands the stomp into the Omega 13 perfectly and leaps off of Sid’s chest catching Joe across the bridge of the nose with a forearm.
Richard Parker: THAT’S IT!
Nick Stuart: Here comes Turnbull.
Jimmy slides in.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Your winner by pinfall… and STILL your World Tag Team Champions… JAAAAARED SYYYYYKES AND JUUUUUSTINE CAAAALVIN! EEEEEEMINEEEENNCEE!!!!
Nick Stuart: THEY DID IT!
Richard Parker: Tape to tape Nick! It’s Incredible!
Jared rolls off of Sid Phillips and looks for Justine. The two embrace, and as Turnbull hands the two their titles, Sykes lifts Calvin up onto his shoulders and parades her around the ring. Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips are helping each other up. Arms wrapped around each other. Jared sits Justine down while picking something off of his side plate.
Nick Stuart: What a battle, Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips, gave this one everything they had. That was incredible. This is what makes tag team wrestling so great.
Richard Parker: I can’t agree with you more.
Jared walks across the ring and turns Fontaine around. He holds his hand out for a handshake. Fontaine nods, and returns it. Jared rolls up Joe’s hand tight and raises his arm in the air as the crowd cheers.
Nick Stuart: What an ovation for Fontaine, Phillips and the Winds of Change.
Our scene fades from the stadium to commercial, with Sykes picking Calvin back up onto his shoulders.