TAG TEAM TITLES: KINGS OF POPSICLES (C) vs. 2BECOME1
We return to ringside in the middle of Oingo Boingo’s “Dead Man’s Party”. That’s not the theme music of 2Become1 OR our PRIME Tag Team champions, but of the Winds of Change. The camera is in full view of the announcer’s desk at ringside, where Joe has saddled up next to Richard Parker – much to Parker’s discomfort. Next to Nick Stuart, Sid Phillips is busy figuring out which end of the headset is the correct one.
Nick Stuart: This is a bit unusual, but the Winds of Change have joined us at ringside for this tag team championship match.
Richard Parker: Why.
Joe puts an arm around Richard Parker’s shoulders in a friendly manner, and the look on the Hall of Fame color commentator’s face as he does so could be enshrined in the Lindsay Troy Memorial Hall of Disapproving Looks.
Never mind the fact that Lindsay Troy is very much still alive and doesn’t need a memorial building of anything.
Joe Fontaine: Richie! Old buddy, old pal, how’ve you been?
Richard Parker: Why.
Joe Fontaine: Me? I’m doing great. Better than I’ve ever been. And you know why? Because I get to share this experience with you!
Richard turns pleadingly to Nick for moral support, but Nick has his attention turned to Sid.
Nick Stuart: So, what brings you two out here?
Sid has popcorn, and he’s loudly munching into the microphone despite all of the production assistants backstage complaining into his headset about how loud he’s being. He turns to Nick with his eyebrow raised.
Sid Phillips: I’m just here to see some powerbombs, Nicholas.
Nick Stuart doesn’t say anything back to Sid, but he mouths the name “Nicholas” in utter confusion a few times before he turns his attention back to the camera pointed at him.
Nick Stuart: Folks! We are just moments away from a huge grudge match for the tag team championships! We hadn’t heard from the Halls in months after a series of disastrous set of circumstances following Culture Shock earlier this year, but they exploded back on the scene in a big way at ReVival 16.
Joe Fontaine: Yeah, by ruining chocolate for a lot of us, which is something only monsters do.
Nick Stuart: And as well all know, Jared Sykes just went through a war with Paxton Ray last night in an unsanctioned bloodsport of a match, the likes of which we hopefully will never see again.
Nick Stuart: Well after everything that’s been said and done to the King of Popsicles, KBB and Justine will FINALLY get their hands on Jonathan-Christopher Hall and Darin Zion, legally. I am looking forward to this, they should absolutely shred them!
The scene switches to ringside and Vince Howard.
Vince Howard: This match is for the PRIME Tag Team Championships! Introducing first, the challengers…
Lights out.
Richard Parker: I can’t see a thing!
BOOM.
Pink pyro explodes from the rampway after a good thirty seconds of a black out before the house lights come back on. There’s a DJ mix board off to the right side of the entrance and a man dressed in all black with a black hoodie standing behind it.
Cue “Another Night” by Real McCoy.
♫ AHH! AHH! ♫
♫ AHH! AHH! ♫
♫ AHH! AHH! ♫
A woman struts out dressed in a hot pink wedding gown with a wedding veil so big and obnoxious you can’t see the person’s face… but it’s clear she’s holding a mic in her left hand underneath the veil. She begins to SCREAM a high pitch, nails on the chalkboard like cry, singing the lyrics to Real McCoy’s theme song, albeit with her own personal twist.
PRETTY PINK CORPSE BRIDE:
♫ ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER DREAM, BUT NOT KING BLUE!!!!
IT’S LIKE A VISION OF LOVE, AND FUCK LINDSAY, TOO!!!!
ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER DREAM, BUT NOT KING BLUE!!!!
IN THE NIGHT, I DREAM OF LOVE SO TRUE!!!! ♫
Nick Stuart: Good god almighty, I can’t listen to another minute of th-
Richard Parker: SHHHHH this is AMAZING!
As the beat and the song powers on, ten Chippendale dancers emerge from the Colossus entrance. They are dressed in EXTREMELY tight revealing black pants, topless, with bow ties around their necks. Every one of them are very muscular, perhaps too muscular. They break off, five and five, to the left and right side of the Pretty Pink Corpse Bride, linking arms with her and throwing their feet in the air as they dance and shift from right to left and then left to right. The man behind the DJ table takes over yelling the next set of lyrics into the headset, in the most horrific, off-beat, wannabe gangster rap possible.
DJ TRISTY-CRISPY:
♫ JUST ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER VISION OF REAL LOVE!!!!
YOU FEEL JOY, WE ALL REIGN, ‘CAUSE PRIME WON’T BE THE SAME!!!!
JUST ANOTHER NIGHT, IS ALL THAT IT TAKES!!!!
TO UNDERSTAND, THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HALLMARKS AND FAKES!!!! ♫
The Chippendales lift the bride into the air and spin her around before she hops down and begins grinding on a couple of them. She grabs one dancer by the face, looking like she’s about to push back her veil and kiss him passionately…
Until she discards him to the ground in an over dramatic fashion! Her body giggles with a sense of glee!
DJ TRISTY-CRISPY:
♫ SO BABY, I WRE- WRE- I WRESTLE YOU!!!!
IN THE NIGHT, IN YOUR DREAM, LIKE CHAMPIONS DO!!!!
I WRE- WRE- I WRESTLE YOU!!!!
IN THE NIGHT, IN YOUR DREAM, LIKE CHAMPIONS DO!!!! ♫
And then, when it’s the bride’s turn to scream (sing) again, a man in an angel suit is lowered from the rafters! He’s in all white, with wings and a halo hanging over his white ski mask, covering his face. His arms are wide open as he slowly descends towards the bride.
PRETTY PINK CORPSE BRIDE:
♫ IN THE NIGHT, IN MY DREAMS
I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, ‘CAUSE YOU WRESTLE ME LIKE TAG CHAMPS DO!!!!
I FEEL JOY, WE WILL REIGN, ‘CAUSE PRIME AIN’T THE SAME!!!!
WHEN THE NIGHT IS GONE, WE’LL BE ATONED!!!! ♫
He makes it to her, only a couple of feet hanging above her head. The Angel reaches out, she pulls away… and then the woman leaps into the arms of the other Chippendale dancers while the “angel” is fully lowered, chest-first, onto the rampway. As The Angel lays there, DJ Tristy-Crispy hunches over and quickly scurries over to unhinge the man, as if displaying through TCG’s body language no one is supposed to see this part of the “act”.
PRETTY PINK CORPSE BRIDE:
♫ ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER DREAM, BUT NOT KING BLUE!!!!
IT’S LIKE A VISION OF LOVE, AND FUCK LINDSAY, TOO!!!!
ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER DREAM, BUT NOT KING BLUE!!!!
IN THE NIGHT, I DREAM OF LOVE SO TRUE!!!! ♫
The Angel carefully struts over to the Corpse Bride as “Another Night” by Real McCoy goes into an instrumental bridge and lyrical pause of the song.
The bride stops in front of The Angel. She looks him over and then nods in approval. The Angel reaches out for her hand… but the bride doesn’t take it.
Finally, it looks like they are going to embrace when-
VROOM VROOM!
At the right side of the rampway, on the floor, an all-black ‘68 Ford Mustang GT 390 drives into the picture. Meanwhile, DJ Tristy-Crispy has returned to his DJ booth.
DJ TRISTY-CRISPY:
♫ JUST ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER DREAM, WHERE’S SYPHON FISSION????
OF LOVE, WITH GLEE,
I’M HERE TO NUZZLE ME!!!!
I AM YOUR LOVER, YOUR BROTHER, HEY SISTER LET’S REDISCOVER,
YOUR BODY WITH MY LOVE, AND TAG TEAM GOLD THAT WE CAN SMOTHER!!!! ♫
The car door opens.
DJ TRISTY-CRISPY:
♫ VISION OF LOVE, THAT SEEMS TO BE TRUE, ALL WE DO, ALL THE THINGS THAT ONLY TAG CHAMPS DO!!!! ♫
Merciless boos follow as REAL LOVE Darin Zion emerges, wearing neon pink and purple heart tights. The Corpse Bride is clearly mesmerized by the person who walked out of the historic automobile and she hops off the stage, sauntering over to Zion.
DJ TRISTY-CRISPY:
♫ VISION OF LOVE, THAT SEEMS TO BE TRUE, ALL WE DO, ALL THE THINGS THAT ONLY TAG CHAMPS DO!!!! ♫
Standing in front of the Chicago native, The Bride tilts her head back and begins vomiting MOAR lyrics.
PRETTY PINK CORPSE BRIDE:
♫ IN THE NIGHT, IN MY DREAMS
I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, ‘CAUSE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE TAG CHAMPS DO!!!!
I FEEL JOY, WE WILL REIGN, ‘CAUSE PRIME AIN’T THE SAME!!!!
WHEN THE NIGHT IS GONE, WE’LL BE ATONED!!!! ♫
The Angel makes his way down to The Bride and Darin Zion. He looks over both of them and nods in approval.
PRETTY PINK CORPSE BRIDE:
♫ ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER DREAM, BUT NOT KING BLUE!!!!
IT’S LIKE A VISION OF LOVE, AND FUCK LINDSAY, TOO!!!!
ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER DREAM, BUT NOT KING BLUE!!!!
IN THE NIGHT, I DREAM OF LOVE SO TRUE!!!! ♫
The bride leaps into Zion’s arms as he starts thrusting forward with a shit eating smile on his face. Eventually, however, Zion passes The Bride off to The Angel. Finally, The Angel rips off his mask and halo revealing, to no one’s surprise…
It’s Jonathan-Christopher Hall.
Nick Stuart: [Deadpan] Wow. Amazing.
DJ TRISTY-CRISPY:
♫ I WRE- WRE- I WRESTLE YOU!!!!
IN THE NIGHT, IN YOUR DREAM, LIKE CHAMPIONS DO!!!! ♫
The Vow of Virtue begins walking to the ring with the bride in his arms. Darin Zion follows behind, thrusting all the way… but then puts a finger up in the air like he forgot something.
DJ TRISTY-CRISPY:
♫ I WRE- WRE- I WRESTLE YOU!!!!
IN THE NIGHT, IN YOUR DREAM, LIKE CHAMPIONS DO!!!! ♫
REAL LOVE walks back to the ‘68 Ford Mustang.
Nick Stuart: No…
Reaches into the driver’s seat…
Nick Stuart: C’mon…
And rips off the steering wheel!
Darin Zion: HOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!
Nick Stuart: THAT CAR IS VALUED AT OVER THREE-MILLION DOLLARS!
Richard Parker: QUIET! What a performance!
Zion WILDLY honks away as he strolls down the pathway to ringside and the song continues.
PRETTY PINK CORPSE BRIDE:
♫ IN THE NIGHT, IN MY DREAMS
I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, ‘CAUSE YOU WRESTLE ME LIKE TAG CHAMPS DO!!!!
I FEEL JOY, WE WILL REIGN, ‘CAUSE PRIME AIN’T THE SAME!!!!
WHEN THE NIGHT IS GONE, WE’LL BE ATONED!!!! ♫
With The Bride, Jonathan-Christopher and now Darin Zion in the ring… and the theme song coming to an end, The Bridge goes all in for her final moment.
PRETTY PINK CORPSE BRIDE:
♫ ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER DREAM, BUT NOT KING BLUE!!!!
IT’S LIKE A VISION OF LOVE, AND FUCK LINDSAY, TOO!!!!
ANOTHER NIGHT, ANOTHER DREAM, BUT NOT KING BLUE!!!!
IN THE NIGHT, I DREAM OF JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER!!!! ♫
Nick Stuart: That last lyric was terrible. It didn’t even rhyme!
The fans continue to boo the hell out of the act. As the song finishes, DJ Tristy-Crispy folds up the DJ equipment and The Corpse Bride runs out of the ring and up the rampway to meet him.
Nick Stuart: Vickie, we know it’s you. That’s another fine for the Hall’s.
Richard Parker: Like they care. WHAT. A. PERFORMANCE. Bravo!
All eyes are on Vince Howard as he clears his throat.
Vince Howard: And their opponents…
There are no smoke machines.
The Jimmy Bonafide Dancers are nowhere to be seen.
While Madison Square Garden no doubt has forklifts, there aren’t any of those on display here either.
If you thought that just because these two people used to dress as berries during various stages of their time in PRIME meant an entrance full of weapons-grade nonsense was about to go down, then I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m actually not, but it felt like the polite thing to say.
What happens instead, is the lights start to pulse over different areas of the crowd before cutting out altogether. Normally, this is where Motley Crue’s “Knock ‘Em Dead, Kid” would kick in, but tonight things are a little different.
Drums.
Guitar.
Killswitch Engage.
“Save Me.”
As they did the night before, the gathered faithful come unglued.
SO MUCH THAT I’VE DONE WRONG
IT’S AN OPEN BOOK
I’VE DONE MUCH MORE THAN MY FAIR SHARE OF DAMAGE
Like a goddamn supernova, the Garden is bathed in light. Blue and purples swirl amidst the brilliant white. From the arena entrance step two figures, one moving a little slower than the other. Justine Calvin pauses and glances over her shoulder at her partner. Despite having already revealed himself the night before, Jared Sykes still has the hood of his sweatshirt pulled down, though tonight his face is clearly visible. His expression is one of mild confusion. Pretty standard for him, really.
All those months ago, when they made their first appearance as a team, he had surprised her by setting their entrance to the only song Justine had ever walked out to, the one she inherited from her father when his boxing career ended. Tonight, that surprise is returned in kind, as the metalcore anthem that soundtracked his best days in Sin City thunder through MSG for a second time.
WHAT ONCE WAS HIDDEN
NOW IS CRYSTAL CLEAR
TRANSFORMATION IS WITHIN ME
There is of course one constant, one thing that hasn’t changed since the night of July 1st and the Great American Nightmare. Vince Howard, my man, it’s time to let ‘em know!
Vince Howard: Making their way to the ring from Boston, Massachusetts, and weighing in tonight at a total combined weight of three-hundred and twenty-four pounds…
TO BREAK THE CYCLE
I MUST TURN TO YOU
WHAT I LACK I GAIN THROUGH YOUR VIRTUE
Despite the horror of the last few months, and the carnage of the previous twenty-four hours, it’s hard for Justine to stifle a smile. All she’s wanted since coming to PRIME is a chance for the two of them to step into the ring together. No costumes. No props. Just them. Tonight, at the biggest show of the year, she gets her wish.
I
GAIN
THROUGH
YOU
Vince Howard: They are your reigning, defending, and record-setting PRIME WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…
Once again, when it gets to chorus, the crowd sings along.
Vince Howard: JARED SYKES!!! and “HIGH CALIBER” JUSTIIIIIIINE CAAAAAAAL-VIN!!!
Inside the ring, Justine wastes no time in handing her championship belt over to the referee, eyes now dead set on her opponents. Jared follows suit, then removes his sweatshirt to reveal a man held together by bandages, medical tape, and sheer force of will.
Richard Parker: Good lord.
Nick Stuart: Last night was brutal, Richard, and the evidence of that is clear as day.
Richard Parker: How the hell is he even standing? Is he a zombie? Do we have to worry about that now? Goddammit, I thought those days were over! I didn’t even bring any wooden stakes.
Nick Stuart: That’s vampires, Richard.
Richard Parker: Garlic?
Nick Stuart: Still vampires.
Richard Parker: Son of a bitch.
There’s a quick discussion in the corner, before Sykes steps through the ropes to the outside. In their first match together it was Sykes who insisted that she start in order to work through the nerves, tonight she takes that responsibility herself. By all practical standards he’s in no condition to compete tonight, but she’ll carry that burden gladly.
On the other side of the ring belonging to House Convoy, Darin Zion offers to start the match for his squad. He smirks at Justine. He remembers what happened just two weeks ago at ReVival 20. All he has to do was beat this weakling in front of him and there isn’t a goddamn thing the husk that once was Jared Sykes could do about it because he may as well already be dead.
The animosity between these two teams could power the whole of New York City for a whole year. Jimmy Turnbull, standing in the center of the ring ready to start the match, knows in his heart of hearts that this one is going to rapidly get out of his control. Maybe it never would be. Maybe the idea of control had been taken from his hands the moment that the Love Convoy decided to try to drown a man in chocolate.
The only thing Jimmy can do in his situation?
Throw his hands up and hope to god things sort themselves out.
DING DING DING
Nick Stuart: IT BEGINS!
Justine Calvin is a blur. Her hands are bullets. Her body is the mechanism from which those bullets are discharged. Darin Zion, a professional wrestler who’s been all over the place for many years and is not unaccustomed to a fight here and there, is shot by hands. He has almost no idea how to handle it as Justine barrels into him like she’s attempting to use the Hokuto Hyakuretsu Ken from Fist of the North Star.
He guards.
He can’t.
The bullets-for-hands are drifting through his guard. One catches him right in the face hard enough that his guard falters, allowing more of them to filter in.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall knows that he had to get in there and stop this and save his best friend. So, he steps into the ring to save him, and gets within a few feet of Justine before he catches some fucking bullets of his own.
Nick Stuart: Justine Calvin is here to fight!
Richard Parker: Oh no! Get out of there, uh… everyone!
Hall catches a full combination, the last right hand knocking him wobbly. This gives Zion time to recover and charge on Justine, who dips out of the way and nearly causes Zion and Hall to collide into one another. Then a dropkick from Justine causes Zion to bump into the not-so-Timid Tiger anyway, knocking him through the ropes and to the outside.
Nick Stuart: We know that Justine Calvin’s father was a professional boxer in the New England area, but we didn’t realize that she had some of that in her!
This leaves Zion to catch more heat. Despite the clear height and weight advantage Zion has on Justine, her strikes are hitting far more true than he ever expects. One of her fists catches him right around the eye, opening up a small gash.
This made things abundantly clear for Zion: He has to do something.
So he throws a knee at her midsection out of desperation, and strike is able to disrupt her rhythm. A European uppercut sends her clattering to the mat, and Zion smirks in thinking he’s got the upper hand.
Nick Stuart: Zion’s reasserting himself here, and—
—it doesn’t last.
That’s just how it be when Justine Calvin decides that everyone has to die tonight. Darin moves to take advantage and finds a knee in his face. Everything is an explosion in this one moment. The explosion of cheers from the crowd. The explosion of pain that Zion’s face experiences from this one strike. The explosion of agony on the face of his best friend on the outside as he watches Darin Zion crumple to the canvas and roll out of the ring in a daze.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall is an emotional hurricane. His best friend is already bloodied, if only slightly. Vickie, his beloved Awesome Life Partner, is nowhere to be seen, taken from him by the mandate of the cruel Lindsay Troy. And the former Kings of Popsicles, no longer going by that name, aren’t lying dead in a pile of rusted nails yet.
So, not a great start for Vickie’s mandate.
Nick Stuart: INCOMING!
Justine presses her advantage. She runs into the opposite ropes and then dives out into 2Become1’s combined forces.
Richard Parker: CAUGHT!
Indeed, while momentum may have been on Justine’s side, Zion and Hall together are almost four times her weight and are quick to prepare for the inbound cruise missile that is her body. They are easily able to catch her in mid-flight.
What they are not prepared for is…
RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
That sound is for Jared Sykes.
He lumbers into the ring the moment Calvin is beginning her flight, recognizing that it may not end well. Jared’s movements are sluggish and pained, the result of the brutal war with Paxton Ray from the previous night, and even stepping into the ring is a heroic act. Jared knows that what he’s doing is stupid. He does not care.
He runs.
He flies.
And like bowling pins, four human bodies come out of that interaction like a car crash.
There’s a cacophony of sound. The crowd cheering. Jared moaning in pain on the ground, moving only by determination and sheer willpower when his body attempts to fail him. Justine grabs Zion and throws him into the nearby ringside barrier. Jared is slow to get up, but trips up Johnathan-Christopher Hall as he tries to help his best buddy, and then crawls on top of him and starts to better him with his fists.
Nick Stuart: It’s mayhem here in Madison Square Garden!
Richard Parker: What is the referee doing!?
Nick Stuart: I’m told that referee Jimmy Turnbull was given instruction prior to the match to be a little lenient with the rules, considering the tempers involved in this contest. So strap in, folks, this could be a wild one!
Joe Fontaine: Wait. I can’t strap in. These chairs don’t have seatbelts.
Richard Parker: …
Indeed, Jimmy is actually on the outside trying to get Jared Sykes to stop trying to turn Johnathan-Christopher Hall’s face into hamburger, rather than trying to start a ten count to get someone, anyway, back into the ring.
Darin Zion is whipped into the ring apron by his smaller opponent, discombobulated as he is from her opening assault and then the twin cruise missiles that’d come his way immediately afterwards. Hall is guarding himself from Jared’s strikes that seem more like they belong in a bar room brawl than a professional wrestling ring.
Sid Phillips: (impatient popcorn sounds)
Joe Fontaine: They’re coming, big buddy, don’t worry.
Richard Parker: …Who thought it was a good idea to let these two share our desk?
Things have to change. It is the nature of professional wrestling. There is always a tipping point when things go terribly, terribly wrong. For the erstwhile Kings of Popsicles, things had already gone pear-shaped well before the bell for this match rang, what with the whole Paxton Ray thing. Sure, the challengers are on their back foot here. But it wouldn’t last. It couldn’t.
Because even if the champions had everyone on their side in tip-top shape… that didn’t mean that the odds are even.
Justin throws Zion back into the ring, but as she hops back onto the apron, he meets her with an eye poke and a shove. The shove doesn’t do much as Justine lands on her feet on the outside, but it’s all the time Zion needs to hit her with a baseball slide dropkick.
Nick Stuart: Devious tactics by Zion here, as he takes full advantage of that eye poke!
Zion slides out to the ring to take advantage of the opening provided for him. He takes Justine by the head and gets a head of steam before launching her directly into the ringside barrier without a single care about whether fans end up with her in their laps or not.
This puts Zion close enough to Jared and JC that he’s able to rip Jared’s mangled, zombified corpse off of JC and throw him into the barrier, too.
Richard Parker: Mercy sakes alive, we got ourselves a Love Convoy, boys!
Nick Stuart: Richard.
Richard Parker: What?
Joe Fontaine: Dude.
Richard Parker: …What?
Sid Phillips: (judgmental inarticulate popcorn eating sounds)
As Jared writhes on the ground, as opposed to writhing while standing as he’d been doing, Zion turns his attention back to Justine while Hall decides to start working on putting Sykes back into a grave. He takes Justine as she’s getting to her feet, and throws her back into the ring.
Jimmy Turnbull is briefly torn between breaking up JC Hall getting on top of Jared and beating him back to death again or deciding the other half of the match, and chooses to get back into the ring to handle the action in the ring.
Nick Stuart: Well, Darin Zion is in control here, and… there’s a snap suplex on Calvin!
Darin Zion pops up almost dancing. He’s all smiles.
All year, Darin Zion had been treated as a joke. Up until two months ago, no one took him seriously. That was, of course, until a little thing involving rusty nails and liquid chocolate. His journey to reach Colossus might have had twists and turns, but tonight is his night to prove that he is the threat he truly believes he should be.
He kicks Justine in the head with a quick stomp.
Darin Zion: HONK!
Oh no.
It’s starting.
He doesn’t have his steering wheel, but Darin’s honking now. Hide your children, your elderly, your spouses, and yourselves. Darin absorbs boos from the crowd as he continues honking (stomping) on Justine.
Darin Zion: HONK! HONK! HOOOOOOONK!
That last one? That’s him grinding his boot against the back of Justine’s neck. Jimmy Turnbull administers a five count to get him to stop. Zion stops at four and a half, then he turns to Jimmy with the biggest shit-eating grin ever seen on this man’s face.
Darin Zion: Honk.
CRASH!
Oh, sorry. Did I break your concentration?
That’s just Johnathan-Christopher Hall throwing a flesh-colored garbage bag full of blood and bones into the steel steps. This happens in the background as Zion is honking at the official, and it’s only on the replay do we realize that it’s Jared Sykes being the one thrown. Sykes hits the stairs while almost upside-down. Momentum causes him to flip over the stairs, landing on right in front of the announce desk. His arms only break the fall because they happen to be in front of his body when he lands.
Nick Stuart: (hushed) Oh my God.
Richard Parker: Hey, come on! Even I know when enough’s enough here!
Sid Phillips: (concerned popcorn munching sounds)
Inside the ring, away from the carnage of what’s going on outside, Darin Zion is pressing his advantage on Justine Calvin. He pulls her in after another stomp (“HONK!”) to the head, and goes to try and deliver another snap suplex.
Justine’s not having it.
She rips Zion’s legs out from under him, placing herself on top of him and drowning him under an ocean of fists. Zion covers up, not expecting what’s coming, or that Justine’s not going to just curl up and die because she got kicked in the head a couple of times by a man what honks when he stomps. It doesn’t seem to matter. Some of Justine’s strikes hit home, and Zion again gets a few cuts from her fists.
Leadfoot represent.
Nick Stuart: Justine is essentially out here alone tonight, but she’s bringing the fight to Darin Zion here!
Richard Parker: She can’t! This is a 2-on-1 match, and who better to have the advantage in a 2-on-1 match than 2Become1!?
Joe Fontaine: Bruh.
Sid Phillips: (inarticulate popcorn eating sounds with a touch of cringe)
Richard Parker: …I’m sorry. I’ll think about what I said.
Anyway, Jonathan-Christopher Hall rolls underneath the bottom rope as Justine is working over Zion with her fists. Justine sees him coming and stands to meet him with some body shots, trying to fend him off.
The problem is, Jonathan-Christopher Hall is empowered by more than mere flesh and bone. He isn’t just working with a massive size advantage over Justine. He isn’t really the Timid Tiger any more. He is a Tiger of different stripes. He is a man empowered by love, an all-encompassing thing granted to him by his Amazing Life Partner, Vickie Hall. So boldly enveloped in such radiant love that he feels impervious. He can do anything.
And, as we all know, the difference between love and hate is really just a matter of a flip of the coin. Love for his ALP. And hate, oh so much hate, for the ex-berries.
He grabs Justine and shoves her backwards, lifting her off the canvas as he does so.
She flies backwards.
And there’s only one thing waiting for her when she lands on her back in the corner.
OHHHHHHHHH!
Richard Parker: Good god.
Nick Stuart: Justine Calvin just hit the back of her head against the turnbuckles on that shove!
It’d been an ugly impact, but fortunately, Justine’s still moving after that. Somehow.
Satisfied that he’d done his damage and given his bestie the opportunity he needs to put this one away, Hall goes back out to the apron to continue beating a dead Jared Sykes. His expression tells a lot of stories. Satisfaction. A man who knows that he will soon do right by his ALP. Even if they have to be apart for this match, their love can transcend distance. Their love shall conquer all.
Hall feels a tug at his shoelaces. Then his ankle.
That satisfied expression on his face drains into one of revulsion and shock.
Jared Sykes has risen from his grave.
RAHHHHHHHHH!
Richard Parker: What!? How is he still breathing!?
Nick Stuart: Jared Sykes, somehow, is still fighting back!
Hall is aghast.
This is the man that ruined his Hallmark Journey, just because he decided to ghost ride the whip of a piece of construction equipment that he had absolutely no business handling! This is the man that had the audacity to ruin the night of the absolute love of his life! And there he is, grabbing hold of him like some sort of undead zombie-mummy combination that’s definitely a blasphemy in several religions including Scientology, which is not even a real religion!
Hall tries to shake him off, like he’s just detritus that’d somehow gotten on his wrestling gear. God. It’s gross. So gross! Vickie would not approve! But he’s not successful. Sykes continues to try and pull himself up, like he doesn’t know that he’s supposed to get conquered by the powers of REAL love.
Hall’s no longer just trying to shake him off.
He aims punches at the top of Jared’s head, yet Jared is not deterred. He’s moved into clinging onto Hall’s waist. It’s annoying. It’s all keeping Hall from helping his bestie, who is still trying to shake off the cobwebs of getting his face smashed in by Justine, down in the corner. Yet, no matter how much he batters Jared Sykes, a man who should not even be out here competing, Sykes still keeps coming.
There’s panic, now, in Jonathan-Christopher’s eyes. A panic that could’ve been soothed if only that horrible Lindsay Troy hadn’t restrained his love from him. His conviction wavers. He has no idea what to do.
Sykes has somehow found it in him to stand up straight. In his eyes, there’s the conviction. A man whose love involves implicitly trusting his partner to do what needs to be done, with or without him. Hall hits this man with a right elbow. Then a second. Then a third. Sykes’ head wounds from last night’s attempted snuff film are reopened by the second blow, and start bleeding through the bandage on his head.
And he won’t. Stop. Coming.
In this moment, Jonathan-Christopher Hall knows that his Hallmark Journey isn’t a wacky romcom, where he and Vickie Hall come away with their love intact despite all of the obstacles and shenanigans that lay before them in their path for real love.
It’s a horror movie.
A kick in the gut from Sykes doubles Hall over, and Sykes applies a standing headscissors.
Sid Phillips: (excited popcorn noises!!!)
There’s awkwardness as Sykes lifts the larger man onto his shoulders. Where he finds the strength to even do this will be studied by experts the world over. Theology majors will be convinced that there’s actually a god, occasionally working through the vessels of mortal men. Doctors will argue for years over whether the human body is actually capable of developing such a potent zombie virus out of the state of Jared Sykes. The crazies who prepare for the first sign of Armageddon will point towards this moment as reason.
Jared starts running along the apron.
The end is near.
The destroyer has come.
THUD!
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Even Richard Parker can’t contain himself.
Richard Parker: WHAT THE [CENSORED]!?
Nick Stuart: A POWERBOMB! A POWERBOMB INTO THE RING POST!
Hall and Sykes had flown off of the apron like a crashing airplane, the kind that lost a wing in a horrific bird-based explosion and spiraled to the earth at terminal velocity. The result is immediate. Jared lies motionless on the ground near the announce desk. Jonathan-Christopher Hall is lying on the ground nearby in absolute agony.
Sid Phillips: (clears his throat)
Richard Parker: Uh oh.
Sid Phillips: Okay, so. Obviously, his technique falters a bit because he’s a corpse. I don’t know whether to award him points for powerbombing someone from beyond the grave, but there IS precedent for it because of the Puerto de la Cruz Powerbomb of ‘96, so I have to take that into consideration. Points for lifting a guy bigger than he is, of course. Now, I like the running start. I like that he managed to run in a straight line like that, it’s not that easy when you have a man’s Richard Parker’s Fun Zone in your face.
Richard Parker: I’m not living that down any time soon, am I?
Sid Phillips: No.
Sid continues.
Sid Phillips: The release could use more work. Jared down there lost all his damn strength the moment he stepped off of the apron and sent Mr. Forever Man to his ring posty doom, so the impact is merely disastrous instead of apocalyptic. Seriously, I would’ve liked to have seen no more dawn for the world of Hall. But alas, he’s breathing. Sloppy, Jared. You can do better than that.
Nick Stuart: Are you encouraging that he kill Johnathan-Christopher Hall on pay-per-view?
Sid Phillips: There is no court that I’m aware of that could ever try someone for a powerbomb-based murder. I have consulted my fellow powerbomb doctor, Dr. Zeke D. Badguy, and he confirms that you can powerbomb someone to death and wrestling law can do nothing about it. Why do you think I do it?
Nick Stuart: …What?
Sid Phillips: Anyway. To make a long story short…
The camera switches over to Sid. He’s holding up a sign with the number “9” written on it with the grim seriousness of an Olympic judge. No one knows where he got the sign. No one dares ask him.
Sid Phillips: Still the powerbomb of the night. Magnificent.
Nick Stuart: No, seriously, what?
Sid Phillips: (inarticulate popcorn eating sounds)
Darin Zion has largely managed to get back to his feed, and he’s shocked at what just happened to his best buddy. A large part of him wants to go outside right now and go bury Jared Sykes in a fresh pile of dirt and hope that it takes. But even Darin knows that doing this wouldn’t accomplish the Convoy’s goals. More specifically, Vickie Hall’s. He turns to take advantage of the opening his partner gave him.
Justine is still down, holding the back of her head. Make no mistake, though. Murder remains fresh on her mind. She just needs to figure out how to do all of it with so many people watching, and to maybe do it without having stars circling around her head.
Zion picks her up into a fireman’s carry, but it’s a struggle. She keeps fighting him, driving the point of her elbow onto the top of his head. On the third such elbow, Zion manages to time the rhythm of the strikes to move his head. Justine tries to slip out the back door, but Zion holds onto her head and grasp her head. She’s upside down over Zion’s shoulder.
He runs and he drops.
Nick Stuart: SIXTH STAR! Planted in the center of the ring! Zion’s making the cover here!
ONE!
Darin Zion: HONK!
TWO!
Darin Zion: HONK!
THRE-NO!
Darin Zion: HON-WHAT!?
Nick Stuart: NO! Calvin with the shoulder up!
Zion looks at referee Turnbull as though he could’ve counted that faster. Like, onetwothree. Don’t even lift the arm, just tap the mat. Turnbull tells him to shove it.
Zion puts his hands on his hips, and the wheels start turning in his head as he watches Justine on the ground.
He casts a glance to the outside.
Jared Sykes hasn’t moved since executing the powerbomb.
Wait a second.
A sick smile comes to the mind of Zion, and he slips out to the floor.
Nick Stuart: What is Darin Zion up to?
Joe Fontaine: Dunno. The guy’s nuttier than three squirrels in a trenchcoat, if they all shared one brain cell and took PCP.
Sid Phillips: (drug free popcorn munching sounds)
Zion pulls Sykes up to his feet, and drags him over to the champion’s corner. It hasn’t been used much in this match so far, what with all of the attempted murders that started immediately after it began, but now… in the worst possible circumstances, Darin Zion actually wants Justine Calvin to tag her partner.
Justine refuses to even crawl his way.
Zion slides back into the ring and picks her up, physically carrying her to her own corner.
In ordinary circumstances, this would be detrimental to a tag team. You’re to isolate half of the team and prevent them from making a tag. This is different.
Zion takes Justine’s hand and physically slaps Jared with it. Jimmy Turnbull, despite visible disgust on his face, has little choice but to allow the tag.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Richard Parker: This is brilliant! It’s brilliant, Nick!
Nick Stuart: I don’t believe this.
Zion dumps Justine out of the ring and yanks Jared Sykes into the center of the ring like he’s dragging luggage. A luggage containing a corpse, which is not approved by TSA in any way and definitely wouldn’t be allowed on BolambAir unless Timo needs to hide some bodies down in Samoa for some reason.
He immediately covers.
ONE!
TWO!
NO!
Nick Stuart: RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE! SYKES KICKS OUT!
Sid Phillips: (disbelieving popcorn munching sounds)
Zion is wide-eyed.
He can’t believe that Sykes kicked out from being dead. Maybe he’s not dead. Maybe he’s only mostly dead, and that might just be enough to allow a miracle to happen. Zion realizes that he needs to do something more. Almost anything would do.
He chooses to pull Sykes up and get him in a side headlock.
What usually follows here is the Ratings Spike, his headlock driver. But Zion is cocky. He’s smirking as though this is just a formality. He points to someone in the crowd with every intention of another round of Untitled Zion Game.
Darin Zion: HOOON-OHGOD!
And then, Jared Sykes wakes up and sends Darin Zion to hell.
The Saito suplex didn’t have the usual arm-trap to it. It didn’t need it. Zion lands harshly on the back of his head and the sheer whiplash carries the man of REAL LOVE into the ropes. But fortunately for him, he has a savior.
Because Johnathan-Christopher tags himself in.
He’s favoring his back after what Jared did to him on the outside, but he comes into the ring to collect Jared. He picks up Jared in a fireman’s carry and drops him over his knees with a gutbuster, which causes Jared to ragdoll across JC’s knee and onto his back in front of him.
Jonathan-Christopher smiles, perhaps thinking of his ALP in this trying time, and finding strength in this. He clinches his fist, hovering over the agonizing husk of Sykes in preparation to finish things. He sees Justine getting to her feet on the champion’s side of the ring, and makes a beeline to knock her right off the apron. Once she’s disposed of, Jonathan-Christopher goes to finish off Sykes. He hooks in the arms and lifts him up.
Nick Stuart: Hall is looking for Stand by Me! He’s going to try and end this thing!
And… it doesn’t work out that way.
Sykes manages to get one of his arms loose as he’s lifted, and then shifts his weight. Hall takes a tumble in a makeshift armdrag, landing in a slide near the ropes. He turns to find Sykes meeting him there, and tries to stop him with a knee. It catches Sykes in the gut, and allows Hall to hook in a front facelock. But to his immense surprise, Sykes comes alive and lifts Hall up, placing his feet on the ropes.
What happens next is a maneuver that should be placed in the forbidden arts. The dark arts of professional wrestling. It’s the kind of move you pull out when, say, you’re in a match with a man who tried to waterboard you with chocolate. Chocoboarding.
Sykes has a front facelock on the suspended Hall. And then he performs a dragon screw.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Nick Stuart: DRAGON SCREW NECK WHIP BY SYKES!
There’s a cacophony of crowd noise as Hall lands violently on his head. Most of that is from the crowd. Some fans might also swear they heard the shrill scream of an Amazing Life Partner who can’t be anywhere within 100 feet of her man, some distance away. Now both men lay dead in the ring.
Richard Parker: Holy crap. I think Sykes went and made Vickie Hall a widow.
Sid Phillips: (satisfied popcorn munching sounds)
Neither move for a long period of time, such that Jimmy Turnbull begins to administer a ten count. It’s broken up when Darin Zion enters the ring and drags his bestie back to his corner so he can tag himself back into the match.
Sykes is still down when Zion reaches him. He barely has anything left. He’s given everything he has for Colossus. And though his mind is cloudy, he knows he desperately needs to tag Justine back into the match.
Zion’s no longer smirking. He’s no longer fooling around. He’s no longer taking it for granted that Jared Sykes is simply dead. He pulls Sykes up and hooks in the side headlock again.
Nick Stuart: RATINGS SPIKE!
Richard Parker: IT’S OVER!
Zion slides into the cover, honking for every count again.
ONE!
Darin Zion: HONK!
TWO!
Darin Zion: HONK!
THRE-
Darin Zion: HON-BLARGH!
Calvin roars into the ring and boots Zion in the face before Turnbull’s hand hits the mat. Not tonight. Not this way. Zion reels back clutching his face, having not expected it being used for penalty kicks at the World Cup. Jimmy admonishes Justine for it, but she’s not done with him. She launches herself over Jared’s body as Zion reels back and lands with a shotgun dropkick.
Every single bit of momentum in Justine’s smaller body is pinpointed right on Zion’s chest. Zion might have been a fair bit bigger than Calvin, but you try unexpectedly taking an anti-materiel rifle round in the guise of a Bostonian firebrand and see how you fare. Zion is blown backwards and hits the turnbuckles near his team’s corner, where his partner is still down.
Richard Parker: Get her out of there, Turnbull!
Calvin does indeed go back to the outside, but only so she can reach out for the tag back into the match. The crowd cheers and shouts for Sykes to stir. To will him to his corner one more time. To bring this sordid tale of love and chocolate to a close.
Sykes crawls.
And…
RAHHHHHHHH!
Nick Stuart: Calvin’s finally back in!
Richard Parker: Oh no! Get out of there, Darin!
He will not.
Justine is on him like bad on a SkyMont segment, and this late into the match, Zion doesn’t know how to handle it. It’s only by the will of referee Jimmy Turnbull and his count to five that Justine gets off of him, but Zion has a few cuts and soon-to-be-bruises on his face from Justine’s punches.
By the expression on that face, he’s likely asking to himself, “How can something so small hit me so damn hard?”
Justine grabs his wrists as she pulls him up off the canvas.
Everyone knows what she’s looking for.
Nick Stuart: CALCULATED RISK!
Richard Parker: NO!
Sid Phillips: (excited popcorn munching sounds)
Justine falls on top of Zion.
It should be over.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE—NO!
Nick Stuart: DAMMIT! HALL JUST PULLED TURNBULL OUT OF THE RING!
Joe Fontaine: Hey, yo, isn’t that a big old Dairy Queen?
Richard Parker: Oh, thank god, Vickie’s not a widow!
Somehow, someway, Johnathan-Christopher Hall is alive enough after the dragon screw neck whip to grab Turnbull by the ankle and yank him out of the ring. Turnbull lands hard on his face on the outside, and Hall adds a quick stomp to his back to keep him down.
Nick Stuart: I don’t believe it! How is Hall still standing!?
Richard Parker: It’s love!
Hall is in so much pain right now. The back of his neck is killing him. The things Jared Sykes has done to him in this match would have put down most of the roster of PRIME. Yet, no one in PRIME was as emboldened by his love as Hall.
Justine looks up, wondering why the match isn’t over, and sees Hall standing there.
She keeps her eyes on him the entire time as she lifts Zion’s legs up. And then she stomps Zion in the groin so hard that Zion’s ancestors feel it from beyond space and time.
Justine Calvin: HOOOOOOONK!
Zion could have been unconscious from the Calculated Risk, but that stomp wakes his ass up screaming.
Hall’s incensed on the outside, and jumps up on the apron with every intention of saving his best buddy. Justine intercepts him with knees and elbows, stopping him cold. She knocks him back through the ropes and onto the apron, and continues stomping him while he’s there.
She keeps doing it.
She won’t stop.
With no referee, nothing can stop her.
Nothing except Darin Zion.
Darin Zion with a bouquet of roses.
You might be asking yourself, where did he get that? Well, Hall had passed it to him while he was busy getting his clock cleaned by Calvin. And you might be asking yourself, what’s so good about a bouquet of roses? Well, there’s something in there that isn’t a rose at all. It’s a tire iron. Zion hits her with the bouquet and she goes down.
Nick Stuart: WHAT THE HELL WAS IN THAT BOUQUET OF ROSES!?
Richard Parker: IT’S LOVE! REAL LOVE!
Joe Fontaine: Yo, “real love” don’t really hit like that.
Zion stands over her holding the bouquet. For the Love Convoy, it should just be a matter of getting Turnbull back into the ring and finishing things up.
But Vickie has a mandate.
That’s why JC Hall, the Vow of Virtue himself, brings out the bag. A very ominous bag. It’s pink. It has a big red heart on it. He looks a dazed Darin Zion in the eyes and points towards the champions’ corner. Towards the fallen Jared Sykes, half-dead in the corner and barely moving.
Zion scrambles to get Jared from the corner as Hall steps into the ring.
Hall steps to the middle of the ring and empties the contents of the bag onto the canvas.
Several dozen rusted nails clatter to the ground, a serious health hazard even outside of the context of pro wrestling. They scatter to the ground. The crowd reacts in equal measures of horror and intrigue. This is too fucked up, even for the bloodthirsty wrestling fans of the northeastern United States.
Nick Stuart: What is that!? No, seriously, WHAT IS THAT!?
Sid Phillips: (disgusted popcorn eating sounds)
Richard Parker: Hope everyone got their tetanus shots before the show.
Zion pulls Jared into the ring, who can barely stand as he feeds the man’s body to Hall. Hall smiles as he puts Jared in position for a powerbomb. But Hall, to his surprise, can’t lift Jared for it. Part of it is that Jared is on one knee, and part of it is the death grip that Jared has around Hall’s thigh.
Sid Phillips: No, no. You gotta make sure he’s at a right angle. You want A-squared and B-squared to be the same value in this instance. And letting them grab you isn’t viable, either. Then you would probably have to settle for a piledriver, which is an inferior powerbomb that so disgusted Lou Thesz that he invented the powerbomb simply to escape from it.
Sid says this rapid-fire, as though he’s said something like this before.
Hall tries again. Jared won’t move. Then the third time, he’s successful and hoists Jared up onto his shoulders.
But Jared fights him. He pounds on Hall’s head and neck, and considering the damage already done to the man earlier in the match, it has an effect. Hall stumbles backwards, his back hitting the ropes. And then leverage and momentum carry him over the top rope and to the outside, depositing Jared himself on the ring apron for a moment before he crumbles to the floor.
Nick Stuart: IT’S A CRASH LANDING! HALL AND SYKES JUST FELL OUT TO THE FLOOR!
Richard Parker: NO!
Darin Zion can’t believe what just happened. And he doesn’t realize that behind him, Justine Calvin is shaking off the tire iron-induced cobwebs. When he finally connects the loud cheering with something occurring behind him, he turns.
Justine boots him in the gut. He hooks his head and leg and lifts him up for a fisherman’s buster.
And Zion goes for a ride whose destination is rusty.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Nick Stuart: DARIN ZION JUST LANDED IN THE NAILS!
Richard Parker: DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! THAT MURDER VALKYRIE JUST STRAIGHT MURDERED HIM!
Zion reacts like he’s been shocked with a taser. He sits up, some of the nails are in his back. Punctures all over the place. We’re going to check this poor man for tetanus right after this.
He just needs to take a nap first.
Justine pulls him in.
Nick Stuart: RUBY CUTTER! THE RUBY CUTTER IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!
Justine covers. And as it so happens, Jimmy Turnbull gets back in just in time to see the pinfall.
ONE!
Johnathan-Christopher Hall tries to get back into the ring to keep 2Become1’s title hopes alive.
TWO!
He’s inches away, but is stopped by a desperate claw at his foot from Sykes.
THREE!!!
And he can’t make it.
DING DING DING
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jubilation.
Relief.
Vengeance.
That’s everything Justine Calvin’s going through right now as she sits up after making the pin.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of this match… AND STILL! YOUR PRIME TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! JARED SYKES! AND “HIGH CALIBER” JUSTINE CALVIN!!!!!
Justine is handed her half of the tag titles. Turnbull goes over to Sykes, down on the floor, and drops his title belt over his waist. He reacts to it like a cold bath.
Nick Stuart: Somehow, someway, Calvin and Sykes have overcome the Love Convoy to retain the tag team championships, but what an effort by Hall and Zion tonight!
Richard Parker: Nooo… I can’t imagine what the Hallmark Journey’s going to look like now after this!
Sid sets down his seemingly endless popcorn bucket, and crosses his arms at the desk.
Sid Phillips: Only one powerbomb… y’all can do better than this.
Calvin rolls out of the ring to go check on Sykes, who has a look in his eyes of serious regret at what he decided to do with his time over the weekend. In the ring, Hall checks on the condition of his tag team partner and best friend with disappointment in his eyes.
The former Kings of Popsicles remain the tag team champions.
And Colossus moves on.