TAPIOCA PUDDINGS vs. IMPULSE
“Cannonball” by SIRSY fills the arena, and a blue – and – purple strobe combination lights up the entranceway.
As the first verse hits the midway point and the second set of “HEY HEY,” Impulse walks out to the top of the ramp, Calico Rose a step behind him. He stops and looks around, nodding his appreciation, while Cally takes an exaggerated bow.
The song hits the chorus at about the time the duo begin their walk to the ring. Impulse slaps an errant hand here and there, but Cally does her best to greet every fan at ringside, occasionally stopping to catch up to the Marathon Man.
Vince Howard: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, accompanied by Calico Rose, from New York, New York, weighing in at one hundred and ninety-one pounds, he is IIIIIIIMPUUUUULSEEEE!
The fans blow up and on reaching the ringside area, Impulse is up on the ring apron first, holding the ropes for Cally to step through, and she returns the favor. He hands his leather jacket to a ring attendant, and takes off his T-shirt and tosses it into the crowd, ready for action.
Nick Stuart: This ought to be an interesting matchup folks. A man known for his wrestling skill versus one known for…well…not much of anything really.
Richard Parker: Not true, he is known as the third wheel in a really odd love triangle.
Nick Stuart: I wish you weren’t right, but then again here we are.
“Friends of P” by The Rentals pumps into the arena and from behind the curtain, Tapioca Puddings stumbles through followed by an SR71-black electric market scooter being driven by Muriel puddings looking resplendent in “hot plaid” yoga pants and a shirt that is both a size too small on some places and at least two sizes too large in others. There is a distorted and picked iron-on image of Joe Camel on the front.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, accompanied by Muriel Puddings, out of Chubbuck, Idaho, standing five foot ten and weighing in at one hundred and seventy-one pounds, TAAAAAAPIOOOOCAAAAA PUUUUUDDINGS!
Tapioca is driven on like a sled dog before the whip of the musher and stops in terror before reaching the ring. Muriel rams him in the back of the ankles with her cart and he howls before climbing to the ring apron and latching himself onto the ropes with both his arms and legs.
As the bell rings, Impulse looks visibly confused as Tapioca is clinging to the ropes with both arms and legs, refusing to let go. Impulse shakes his head and petitions to Elvis Nixon to instruct Tapioca to wrestle, but the young Puddings is having none of it.
Nick Stuart: This is a first, I have never seen someone, even Tapioca Puddings, refuse to wrestle.
Richard Parker: Is it really a surprise though? This kid is as tough as a cooked spaghetti noodle and has about as much flavor as one too.
Nick Stuart: That may be true, but this is a wrestling match and there is no wrestling. How am I supposed to call the action when there isn’t any action, Richard?
Richard Parker: Like this…
Richard stands up and cups his mouth with his hands.
Richard Parker: BOOOOOO!
Some of the fans start to boo, but many more start to cheer, hoping to encourage Tapioca on. Impulse throws his hands in the air, refusing to beat up an unwilling participant. Cally looks concerned at ringside and says something inaudible to the cameras to Impulse. He gestures to the still white as a new pair of Hanes underwear Tapioca Puddings and shrugs while pleading a case to her.
Muriel wheels up in her scooter and starts hollering at Tapioca. She pulls out a cartoonishly large megaphone airbrushed with a nude, but thankfully blurred out by the camera, Garbage Bag Johnny on the side of it with the line “Paint me like one of your French Girls” stenciled in poorly.
Muriel Puddings: Come on you chud! I have crust in my underwear more virile than you! Get out there and quit embarrassing us!
She pulls her taser from what could only be described as her underboob and starts crackling it in the air while cackling at her younger brother. Impulse is now asking his opponent to let go and face him as the ropes begin to shake dramatically from Tapioca as he clings to them in abject horror of the situation he has found himself in. Elvis Nixon has no choice but to administer a count…of some kind…in desperation to get the increasingly hostile situation to subside.
Elvis Nixon: Come on Tapioca, you have to wrestle…ONE!
Muriel Puddings: I didn’t become the Chubbuck Spud Princess and drag you down to this ring to watch this. Come here, I’m gonna light you up!
She struggles to get out of the chair with her taser in her right hand while her left digs out a front wedgie.
Impulse: Hey, Tapioca, I’ll make this quick. Just come in there and I’ll tap you out quickly. Painless, I promise.
Richard Parker: BOO THIS MAN!
Elvis Nixon: TWO!
Muriel Puddings: You pile of monkey nuts…
Nick Stuart: Tapioca is shaking the entire top rope in terror!
Impulse: Come on man!
Elvis Nixon: THREE! You have to show me something before five or I have to call this!
Tapioca clenches his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut for all he has. He can’t handle much more. The voices circle around him in his head, mocking him, rending any small sense of pride he carries deep inside, even though it was just a small child that had been beaten relentlessly in his youth.
Impulse: TAPIOCA, HEY MAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Richard Parker: BOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: No action to call!
Elvis Nixon: FOUR!
Muriel Puddings: You aren’t fit to be a spunk mopper! Come here you little…
A hush falls on the arena, as if all time stands still for a moment. Even if it is only in Tapioca’s mind that it happens.
Tapioca Puddings opens his eyes and looks at his sister.
Tapioca Puddings: No.
Muriel Puddings: What do you mean n…
Tapioca Puddings makes like Tommy in the Kenny Rogers classic “Coward of The County” with twenty-eight years of crawling bottled up inside of him. He let go of the ropes and he stared at his sister dead in the eyes as Impulse reached out to finally engage the young Puddings by grabbing his shoulder. Tapioca grabs Impulse with a wrist lock and turns in one movement, contorting his joint and dropping the bigger man to his knee.
Nick Stuart: Action! There is action to call!
Impulse looks shocked, but quickly regains his composure and rolls through the wrist lock. He stands and engages in a greco-roman style tie up then reaches for an ankle pick. As Tapioca sees him reach, he steps back with his lead leg and Irish whips The Marathon Man into the ropes. As Impulse bounds off, Tapioca leapfrogs him gracefully.
Nick Stuart: I can’t believe this! We’ve gone from a purely terrified Tapioca to a leapfrogging joint contorting…wrestler!
Richard Parker: I credit my booing for getting this match going.
Impulse comes off the ropes and Tapioca meets him with a running knee. He points at Muriel as he reaches up and drops a clubbing forearm with all he has on Impulse. Muriel holds her chest like she has been deeply wounded and lets the megaphone drop to her side. Impulse pushes the invigorated Tapioca off of himself and steps aside to reassess the situation with a concerned looking Cally at ringside.
Both competitors meet in the center of the ring and circle before engaging in a classic collar and elbow. Impulse reaches forward into a front facelock which drops Tapioca to the ground on one knee. The smaller man steps up and reaches to clasp Impulse’s hands, he swings his shoulders and steps out, controlling Impulse’s shoulder before swinging around into a hammerlock.
Impulse hooks Pudding’s right arm with his own and breaks the hold. He then steps to the side and grabs the smaller man in a side headlock. Tapioca hooks his hands around Impulse’s body, but The Marathon Man turns deftly, moving his headlock to the other arm which frees him to spin out and grab a hammerlock of his own.
Nick Stuart: Magnificent wrestling from Impulse and…Tapioca Puddings?
Richard Parker: I guess Tapioca is bound and determined to show Muriel he isn’t a wastrel!
Impulse uses his left hand to reach up and grab Tapiocas neck and guide him with force around in a half circle. As Puddings spins, he is caught right back where he started in another front facelock. Tapioca tries to reach and clasp his hands again, but as he does, Impulse grabs under his armpits and spins Tapioca into a backslide position. He kneels and drives Tapioca’s shoulders to the mat. Elvis Nixon is there quickly for the count.
KICKOUT by Tapioca!
Nick Stuart: That was a beautiful exchange with Impulse getting the better and showing his superior grappling technique!
Impulse pops up and reaches for Tapioca, but the younger man headbutts him and leaps up, grabbing his opponent in a reverse neckbreaker position over his left knee. He lifts his right arm up and lariats Impulse onto his bent knee dropping the favorite to the mat with brutal force!
Nick Stuart: GTR! GOTO REVOLUTION BY TAPIOCA PUDDINGS!
Richard Parker: I think you mean BLOOD PUDDINGS! Where is this aggression coming from?
Impulse rolls on the mat and Tapioca seems completely at a loss for what to do next, not having been in a dominating position before. Muriel starts screaming through her megaphone to pin his opponent. He is still upset and begins to argue with his sister at ringside.
While the Puddings are arguing with one another, Impulse shakes the cobwebs from his head and with some encouragement from Cally, gets to his feet. He walks over to the area where Tapioca is still arguing with his sister and begins to take Tapioca’s side to let him wrestle his own match!
Muriel reaches deep into her ill-fitting hot plaid yoga pants and pulls out a pink set of brass knuckles that read “MUSSY” across them. She loads up and takes a swing at Impulse for trying to interject in her business and support her brother respecting himself. He easily ducks, but in the process, she hits TAPIOCA, instead breaking his jaw!
BUUUT…as she does, the momentum of her giant megaphone takes her off the apron and she falls with a thud as her head bounces off the ring steps. She lays, out cold, on the mat outside of the ring. Elvis Nixon looks confused at what has just transpired and waves off the match in Impulse’s favor due to outside interference.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: And your winner…IIIIIMPUUUUUULSE!
Impulse kneels down next to Tapioca Puddings and checks on the out cold competitor. He calls Elvis Nixon over and motions that the fallen competitor needs medical help. Impulse has a look of pure wonder on his face as the medical team runs into the ring.
Nick Stuart: What a turn of events! Impulse is legitimately shocked at every bit of what has transpired and I can’t say I blame him!
Richard Parker: I think it is fair to say I am not one to be at a loss for words, and yet here I sit not knowing what to say. It’s not right, Nick. It’s not right.
Nick claps his partner on the shoulder.
Nick Stuart: Maybe it’s best we don’t spend too much time analyzing these events and move on with the show.
Richard nods solemnly.
Nick Stuart: And with that ladies and gentlemen, we roll on with ReVival!