TASTELESS HUMOR DOES NOT BELONG IN PRIME
We return from commercial to the backstage area where Angelica Brooks is positioned with a PRIME flagged microphone in hand. She is standing by the door of a skybox suite that is blocked by sickly looking kids, bald ones, some in wheelchairs, and others with walking crutches.
Angelica Brooks: Pardon me kids, can I get past?
Wheelchair Kid: Sorry Miss Brooks, we were told not to let anyone in, especially Nova.
Angelica Brooks: Where did you all come from??
Wheelchair Kid: We’re Make-a-Wish VIP’S. It was our wish to be on a PRIME show and meet Hayes Hanlon.
The child’s demeanor switches from happy to bummed.
Wheelchair Kid: ….but I guess we get to meet Hoyt Williams first. The tall guy told us we can be on TV if we stand here and don’t let anyone in, but it’s kinda boring.
Bald Kid: I’m thirsty. Can I get some water or a juicebox? You’re pretty.
Angelica Brooks: Thank you sweety. Once I finish here, I will make sure you get some water, and I will find out what’s going on. We’ll get you to meet Hayes Harlon! Do me a favor and knock on the door.
A famished pale looking kid knocks on the door. The door swings open. Hoyt’s massive sized lawyer, and chief Minister of Strategic Development Brother Privilege greets Angelica with a big welcoming smile. She’s not buying it.
Brother Privilege: Ahhh we’ve been expecting you. Come on in.
A path of sickly kids clears like the water when Moses parted the red sea. Angelica Brooks enters the suite. The room is dimly lit but we see the perfectly conditioned hair of Hoyt Williams flowing out of the bandages on the back of his head like beams of sunshine in the darkest of hours. The pontiff of Prime is sitting on a leather sofa watching the crowd in the area below and does not turn around to greet the reporter. The masked monster Brother Hypocrisy is off to the side in the kitchen area making sandwiches.
Angelica Brooks: What’s with the Make-A-Wish kids waiting out there?
Brother Privilege: Our research shows that security guards in wrestling are highly ineffective.
Angelica Brooks: (disgusted): So, you’re using Make-A-Wish kids as human shields?
Brother Privilege: WHAT? No, I was just commenting on the lack of security here in PRIME as I thought you were a reporter. Use Make-A-Wish kids as shields? That’s outrageous! Even if it’s been proven that Make-A-Wish kids are like wrestler Kryptonite, we would never even think up something that sinister. We’re religious people, for Hoyt’s sake. This is borderline SLANDER Miss Brooks. Those poor kids are waiting for the healing hands of our Savior Hoyt Williams who will experience miracles tonight IF they truly believe. Hoyt has done more Make-A-Wish’s than most of the rest of America combined.
The large litigator offers the reporter a Lime Perrier which she waves off.
Angelica Brooks: I see.
Brother Privilege: Although security wouldn’t be a bad idea after Hoyt was verbally assaulted and physically battered by an out-of-control Nova. When a great national hero like Ivan Stanislav tears down a wall the management of this company makes him pay. When Nova commits a felony against a Savior like he’s Pontius Pilate on an opium kick they send a “referee” with gorilla paint on his face to fast count the son of God in a match that should NEVER have been allowed to happen. Concussions are taken seriously in most sports but here in the pseudo sporting world of PRIME I guess they are a joke. OUTRAGIOUS.
Brother Hypocrisy: Father Hoyt would you like any dressing on your sandwich?
Hoyt Williams: The best kind! Russian!!! SIRI play the RUSSIAN national anthem in honor of the ICON that is IVAN.
SIRI: Ok I found The Soviet National Anthem on your Spotify PRIMETunes playlist. I will begin playing.
The savior still yet to turn around air-conducts the music that is playing.
Brother Privilege: Now please Miss Brooks understand this, because of the serious, possibly career ending concussion perpetrated by Nova you need to keep your voice to a hush. Loud noise and bright lights are a sensitivity right now.
The veteran reporter and no stranger to Hoyt Williams rolls her eyes out of instinct. She walks over to the sofa and is startled by the darkened and cracked face of the sexy savior. Hoyt chuckles.
Hoyt Williams: Oh, HA! Pardon me, I forgot I was still wearing this Dead Sea Mud Mask with Hyaluronic Acid, a touch of Colloidal Oatmeal, Angel urine, Aloe Vera, Botox and all the rage of the heavens right now, Avocado Oil. It’s a lot of work staying eternal.
“Your Personal Jesus” motions to the reporter to have a seat next to him. She reluctantly sits down keeping an appropriate distance. She chuckles slightly as she notices Hoyt is wearing a black t-shirt with white letter reading “HOYT WILLIAMS TOTAL DILF”. Hoyt observes her noticing.
Hoyt Williams: New in the shop zone the Hoyt Williams “DILF” shirts!! Deity I’d Love to Follow. It’s our new marketing slogan for the spring campaign. But these are not joyous times Angie. I’m sitting here in a somber state looking out at all these people. Look at them!
The camera pans out to a shot overlooking the crowd. The Pontiff hands Angelica a signed copy of May’s GQ with him on the cover.
Hoyt Williams: Here I am on the latest cover of GQ, Gentiles Quarterly, and I should be out there with my followers instead of in this dirty dimly lit presidential suite, talking to an Angel like you.
The sexy savior winks at Angelica who no sells it.
Hoyt Williams: I should be in GOD MODE. It should be raining down copies of this collectable magazine as I stand in the center of the ring with my arms spread out to the heavens. You know I went to the Met Gala last week and had to leave GaGa’s afterparty early because of these headaches. I’m giving PRIME mainstream exposure while the only stream Nova can find is in a truck stop men’s room exposing himself. I should be having the time of my infinite life, but I WAS ASSULTED.
Hoyt hangs his head like Jesus on a cross.
Hoyt Williams: I requested that time in the ring two weeks ago and I thought management would provide a safe workspace for a Thelonious Messiah such as myself. But No. I was standing in the ring when a man reeking of bad life decisions and cigarettes ranting with anger in his eyes marched towards me like it was 2005. I was only saved by those strong independent women who threw themselves in front of Nova to distract him long enough so I could maintain the integrity of my match against Anna, for the PRIME FANS, and my followers Hoyt’s Witnesses. I darn near got away when this NOVA threw what had to have been a bowling ball at my head causing a career threatening concussion. SIRI play sad music.
“A Little Bitty Tear” by Burl Ives begins playing in the background.
Angelica Brooks: I was told it was a golf ball, although some people claim it was a ping pong ball.
Hoyt Williams: (indignant) Are you really going to victim shame me? What are you going to say next, that I deserved it for looking as SEXY as I do? Angie, I thought you had higher standards, but its what I’ve come to expect from FAKE NEWS, and PRIME. Would you expect me to take you seriously if you walked in here wearing clown make up?
Angelica Brooks: No, I don’t think I would.
Hoyt Williams: Yet I’m expected to take a geriatric official seriously who wears cartoon paint on his face.
Brother Privilege: Outrageous!
Brother Hypocrisy: AMEN! Preach on Hoyt in the highest.
Hoyt Williams: I think I will preach on! YES SIR. This referee whom I will not name out of respect to that young man Eddie Cross. Believe me kid, I know what it’s like to have a derelict earth father. This oafish idiot of a ref has a known bias against my faith. Angie, this is a clear conspiracy of the highest order against me by the ole owl lady in the sky. Angie honestly, have I not had problems with the dopy ref before?
Angelica Brooks: Fact is fact.
Hoyt Williams: Right. We all saw the fast count. Clear as Hoyt is truth. The only way I’m going to get anywhere here in PRIME is to fight back in all directions, I mean that is if this concussion doesn’t end my career.
Hoyt buries his face in his hands.
Hoyt Williams: My doctor has told me I’m probably not going to wrestle again, and if I do, every match I’m in going forward I will be at a disadvantage. I can heal sick Make-A-Wish kids, but the laws of the universe won’t allow me to touch myself inappropriately. I beat Nova in 2005 for the 5-star title. Two months later NOVA cost me the title when he pinned somebody else in one of those unholy unnatural three-way menage a trois matches. 18 years later, the laws age of consent, almost to the date, a historic rematch could have happened, but NOVA swindled the fans out of that significant rematch by Nova being Nova. I’m not going to wrestle him you don’t give in to terrorists demands. By the way where are my flowers and apology from management?
Angelica Brooks: My understanding is management has yet to even get a report from your physician.
Hoyt Williams: What am I Jussie Smollett? You think I made this up? It was on TV right here on ACE! I’m not here to cajole you into believing something we all saw. Come on. I prayed to my father, but I remembered he was dead, and I had to handle things on my own. So, I had brother Privilege here call the ACE executives to have them convince the docile dolts in management to book the felonious nincompoop Nova in a match against a hero like IVAN.
Angelica Brooks: You think IVAN is a hero? I think it’s odd you would say that.
Hoyt Williams: I would. He’s a wrestling ICON and a cultural landmark. I see him getting oppressed and his ideas muffled by PRIME just like me. This man should be world champion but instead they find ways to cheat him, exploit his good nature, and concern for his land and people. He’s a gentle fair human being whose only anger comes from people not understanding his passions. I can relate. So many easy solutions here in PRIME like me handling booking. Ivan’s comrade Alexei Ruslan should oversee all officiating. That would fix so much in this biased unfair wrestling promotion. Alexi is a man of honor, duty, and would excel at the job. We have a brilliant “financier” in Cecilworth Farthington who should be in charge of the finances of PRIME making us BILLIONS! Instead, we got Bob in accounting. You see these are just examples of all that is wrong with PRIME inciting deadbeats like NOVA to assault the definition of innocence that is Hoyt Williams.
Angelica Brooks: Do you have some kind of alliance with Ivan?
Hoyt Williams: (defensive) Noooooo do you? I mean what a silly thought the man is an atheist, despite being a snazzy stylistic fashionista. I know, I was on the cover of GQ in newsstands out now, if you forgot.
Hoyt holds up a copy of the magazine to the camera.
Hoyt Williams: Angie, I don’t like to gossip but I heard the joke Nova made in the smoker’s area by the loading dock about Mother Russia and Ivan’s mother being the same size. I know from what IVAN has told me that his mother is a svelte beauty who danced across the rolling hills of Russia in her youth. I didn’t find Nova’s joke funny at all. Tasteless humor does not belong in PRIME. So no, I respect Ivan, but we are not in alliance, we both simply want to see justice in PRIME here tonight. Oh, my head.
Hoyt places his hands over his eyes as Brooks looks at him skeptically.
Angelica Brooks: Are you ok?
Hoyt Williams: These headaches I’ve been having keep producing Dreams or visions, some might even say a prophecy. Angie, I see an old balding wrestler who looks double his age. Oh it’s Nova. Yes. I see a bad day on the horizon for Nova. I see Russia engaging in a full well laid out assault using all their force occupying Nova with ease. In defeat I see the assault continuing way beyond expectations. Wait, what’s that?
The savior grabs Angie’s wrist for support.
Hoyt Williams: Oh-my-Hoyt I see a sad beaten man lose his ball as behold; a man on a pale segway approaches and warns Nova of the hell to follow.
Angelica Brooks: A vision or are you up to something? What do you have to say to Nova?
Hoyt Williams: Go home, skip the match. I know you’ve been experiencing a lot these last two weeks, but you will experience EVEN MORE repercussions for what you have done. So Mote it be. Angie if you’d excuse me I need to rest before healing those kids and entering GOD MODE. Brother Hypocrisy do we have any more of those juice boxes I’m thirsty.
Angelica Brooks: An ominous prophecy from Hoyt’s box, high in the skies, back to you Nick.