14 Teddy Palmer vs. 8 Cancer Jiles
Nick Stuart: It’s semi final time. These two men know each other very well but, as stated earlier this week, neither man has faced each other in SINGLES action.
Richard Parker: Very true, Nick. I’m sure they are familiar with each other’s tendencies but no matter what, a singles match brings out a whole new aspect.
To center ring, and Vince Howard.
Vince Howard: This is a semi finals match in the Almasy Invitational! Introducing first… from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania… weighing two-hundred-eighteen pounds… the Greek God of COOL… CANCER JILES!
“I am the Cool” by Screaming Jay Hawkins blares on the PA as Jiles walks out with Bobby Dean and Doozer by his side. Bobby carries a backpack with him and is frequently digging his arm into it, pulling out popcorn kernels and tossing them into his mouth (some miss, though, so Bobby has to pick them off the ground and use the five second rule).
Richard Parker: Would you say Cancer Jiles is a surprise to be here? I would. Hate the guy. He’s usually one of the first to tell you about his failures.
Nick Stuart: And his successes, unfortunately. When he’s motivated… when he’s ON his game, no one is better!
Jiles rolls into the ring and removes his PRIME shades before leaning against the ropes.
Vince Howard: And his opponent… from Toronto, Ontario, Canada… weighing two-hundred-fifteen pounds… TEDDY PALMER!
“Leave Me Lonely” by Hilltop Hoods replaces Cancer’s theme as Palmer comes out to a big reaction. Teddy pumps up the fans by nodding his head and making his way down the ramp. The camera switches to Jiles inside the ring, not looking impressed. Bobby continues to eat popcorn and Doozer aimlessly checks out his surroundings.
Palmer slides into the ring and tells referee Ashley Barlow he’s ready to go.
DING DING
Nick Stuart: We’re off here, folks. Both men are the same height, the same weight, given a few pounds. They’ve bled in rings against each other, they don’t like one another and…
And Cancer Jiles throws his arms in the air and exits the ring to a chorus of boos. Teddy Palmer watches on like he’s not surprised. He initially walks to the center of the ring to meet the leader of the Egg Bandits but is left there by himself.
Jiles finds his teammates at the edge of the rampway and puts both arms around them for a huddle. In what might be a strategic discussion, this, after all, is Cancer Jiles so who knows what’s the plan. Palmer paces the ring and referee Barlow begins to count.
Richard Parker: God I hate saying this but it might be a smart strategy, Nick. Teddy is feeling it… he wants to engage but Cancer is having none of it.
Jiles pretends to converse with his group… while the reality is Bobby Dean’s talking about food and Doozer? He might as well not even be there, it’s hard to tell if he’s present.
Finally, “COOL” himself drops his arms around his friends and finds the apron. He slides into the ring at the count of eight. Pulling himself up, Jiles scoffs at Teddy Palmer like the trooper he is, waiting to get this match going.
They lock up.
And Jiles is immediately thrown to the ground.
Palmer shoots a crooked look at the Egg Bandit and Jiles…
Exits the ring.
The fans boo.
Richard Parker: Teddy Palmer’s an easy going guy but even he has his limits. Pushing the envelope like this has to get into Teddy’s head.
Nick Stuart: It’s certainly worn thin on the fans. Everyone wants to see them wrestle!
Jiles walks over to his bandits like he forgot something. Then a pretend lightbulb goes off in his head and he turns back into the ring. He slides underneath the bottom rope when-
BANG!
Nick Stuart: Firecracker knee right under Jiles’ chin!
Palmer lifts Jiles and looks for a German suplex but the slippery Philly “star” breaks free and rolls Palmer up with a handful of tights in the process!
ONE
TWO
KICKOUT!
Nick Stuart: RAZOR CLOSE kickout by Teddy Palmer! Jiles had those tights for all they were worth!
Replays show Teddy’s knee may not have hit as snug as the echo indicated. Jiles moves his head at the last second and while the knee connects, it also smashes into the second rope.
Both men are up and circling. Jiles, again, takes a step back to pause. He tilts his head and smirks at Palmer, about to exit the ring… when Teddy runs over, wraps his arms around Cancer and throws him into a German suplex.
Nick Stuart: This one lands!
Once Jules is up, he’s met with a fury of European uppercuts, working him into a corner. Palmer is about to Irish whip the Egg Bandit into the corner across the way when he’s poked in the eyes!
Nick Stuart: Ashley Barlow missed it!
Cancer laughs at Teddy, while thinking of what to do next. He hits a leg sweep on Palmer and follows with an elbow drop.
Nick Stuart: I can’t help but get the feeling Cancer Jiles makes it up as he goes.
Richard Parker: You… can’t help but get the feeling? Jiles TOTALLY makes it up as he goes! It’s why he has no place in this tournament!
Jiles with a toe stomp, followed by a knee to Palmer’s head. He pulls the Toronto native off the mat and hurls him into the ropes. Jiles lowers his head and completely telegraphs the move. Teddy stops right before he meets Cancer and drives a knee into Jiles’s skull.
Cancer stumbles around, swatting at thin air, hoping Teddy is there but he isn’t. Palmer hits the ropes and lunges forward with a shoulder tackle sending Cancer Jiles out of the ring.
This time, however, Jiles isn’t there to “talk strategy”. Instead, Palmer shoots through the top and middle rope with another shoulder smash to the ground. The fans cheer wildly as Palmer throws Jiles back into the ring but stops to look back at Bobby Dean and Dooze. He gives them a sarcastic thumbs up.
Palmer enters the squared circle. The coy Jiles can take a beating and keep on coming, however. COOL is on his feet and looks for an open hand slap to Palmer but Teddy ducks it, hits the ropes off the far end and explodes halfway across the ring with a spear!
TEDDY!
TEDDY!
TEDDY!
Palmer has the arena rocking. He scoop slams Jiles to the center of the canvas before hitting the ropes and landing a leg drop.
It’s too early to go for a pinning attempt, so Theodore Palmer lifts Cancer Jiles to his feet and connects with a wicked looking brainbuster!
The camera switches to Bobby Dean and Doozer. Bobby digs a pastry out from his knapsack of snacks and begins licking his lips. Doozer, meanwhile, tells the big guy to pay attention to the action inside the ring. The Beautiful one, however, is having none of it.
Back to the action, Palmer tries to apply the triangle choke but Cancer Jiles scurries into the bottom rope!
Nick Stuart: These two have worked in the same company for years and know each other well. It’s clear for as lazy or carefree as Jiles seems to be at times, he’s watched Palmer. Or at least during his match against Anna Daniels.
Palmer deadlifts Jiles into another German attempt but Jiles throws his right boot back and hits a low blow! Referee Barlow misses it but shouts at Jiles anyway, thinking something is up because Palmer has doubled over.
Richard Parker: Can’t call what you can’t see. Jiles gets away with murder, again.
Jiles giggles to himself before he hits the ropes lightly and blasts Palmer across the face with a knee. Cancer connects with a snap suplex and holds on. He pulls upwards, latching onto the Toronto native before landing a falcon arrow suplex and a pin.
ONE
TWO
KICKOUT!
Palmer kicks out with authority and the crowd erupts in cheers! Jiles crinkles his face upon getting to a knee. He knows he has to keep the momentum going so he reels Palmer in and looks for a German suplex of his own…
Palmer is tossed into the air but lands on his feet! Cancer turns around…
The Egg Bandit jumps backwards when Teddy tries the ripcord knee strike!
Nick Stuart: Nothing but air!
Jiles knife edge chops Palmer as hard as he can! It stuns the “#14 seed” before Jiles performs a second knife edge chop… and then a third… fourth… fifth… he’s worked Palmer into a corner.
A hardout headbutt by Palmer follows!
Nick Stuart: Teddy might have CRACKED Jiles’s skull open!
Richard Parker: Say CRACK again, Nick.
Nick Stuart: CRACK.
While the fans at home wonder if this was an Egg Bandit joke or a Mean Girls reference, the fans inside the arena are rabid as Palmer pushes up on the turnbuckle padding and perches himself on the second rope. He shoots forward and slams into Jiles with a shoulder block!
Nick Stuart: NO! Jiles catches Palmer!
Powerslam!
And a hook of the leg.
ONE
TWO
KICKOUT!
Teddy stays alive and so does this crowd!
TEDDY!
TEDDY!
TEDDY!
A trickle of blood DOES fall from Jiles’ forehead as he rolls to the center of the canvas.
Nick Stuart: Not known for any power moves but when you catch a guy in mid-air, I guess a powerslam is one of your only options!
Jiles pulls himself upright with use of the ropes. He checks to see he is, indeed, bleeding. Then he runs forward…
Palmer leaps to his feet and snatches Jiles by the neck!
Nick Stuart: THE TRIANGLE CHOKE! Teddy jumped into the air and wrapped his arms and legs around Cancer Jiles and now both of them are in the center of the ring!
Bobby Dean has dropped his pastry (he already finished the first five, he was on a sixth helping) and Doozer is beside himself.
Richard Parker: Middle of the ring!
The crowd stands as Teddy Palmer shouts into the rafters and Cancer Jiles is fading… faster than normal!
Richard Parker: He’s lost blood, he has to be woozy! Tap this guy out!
Jiles reaches out for the ropes but he’s nowhere close. However, he IS able to get onto a knee and…
Nick Stuart: CANCER JILES HAS TEDDY PALMER’S SHOULDERS ON THE MAT!
ONE
TWO
THRE-NO JUST MISSED!!
Nick Stuart: Palmer had to drop the hold! It was the only way out of the move and then he rolled a shoulder off the mat!
Richard Parker: You mean it WASN’T a three!?
Nick Stuart: No. Excellent call by Ashley Barlow!
Richard Parker: PHEW!
Replays show it was a split millisecond away from a three and a great call by the referee.
WHAM!
Palmer doesn’t waste time. He’s up to his feet and slams a knee into the side of Cancer’s head. This time, however, it blows the Egg Bandit back so far… he’s into the ropes.
Teddy nods to himself and hits the ropes on the far side…
WHAM!
Another knee driven right into Cancer’s skull. The superkick artist is dangling on the apron.
Palmer walks around the ring, pumping himself up, feeling like the end is near when out of nowhere Cancer Jiles pops to his feet, slingshots himself over the top rope and connects with Terminal Cancer!
Nick Stuart: OH MY GOD!! Jiles… Jiles, what a move!
But there’s nothing left in him, either. He crumples to the mat in a heap. Both men are out of it.
Richard Parker: Desperation! Cancer does hit Teddy with his finisher but he can’t finish the match off… because of the damage Palmer has done. Hell of a match, Nick. Anyone’s game!
The fans rumble their feet on the floor for Teddy Palmer to be the first one up. Eventually, both men stir…
Jiles rolls onto his stomach and crawls towards the ring ropes. Palmer is on his side and claws the canvas mat to make it into a turnbuckle. Both men are hurting. Jiles has stopped bleeding but feeling the ramifications nonetheless and Palmer, well, his bell was certainly rung, too.
Nick Stuart: Each man has given it their all tonight… countered each other… head games by Cancer Jiles… Teddy not being fooled… you’d have to think whomever can get up first…
Jiles covers his face with both hands as he falls into the ropes. Meanwhile, Teddy Palmer has reached a corner and is going arm by arm up the turnbuckle padding to gain a vertical base.
Both men are standing! They charge at each other.
Nick Stuart: LOOK OUT TEDDY!
Jiles has the yellow mist and sprays the Coolympian Yoljk at Teddy Palmer…
But nothing happens!
Jiles’ eyes go wide.
Nick Stuart: He doesn’t have it! Jiles does not have the mist!!
The crowd bellows in cheers as Palmer realizes this and SLAMS his knee into the midsection of Cancer! The Bandit doubles over and Palmer bounces into the ropes…
YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Nick Stuart: OH MY GOD! Teddy hit it! Nosebleed Section!
Referee Ashley Barlow drops down to check on Jiles as Palmer takes a second in order to collect himself.
Nick Stuart: WHAT THE HELL!?
Doozer pulls Palmer out of the ring by his right boot. The ref doesn’t see it and immediately Bobby and Dooze pummel Palmer to a chorus of boos!
Nick Stuart: Uncalled for! We were having a solid match, really no major issues until Teddy Palmer had this semi finals match won and look what’s happening-
The fans don’t boo for long, though.
RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Alex Redding bursts down the rampway and absolutely CRUSHES Bobby Dean with a spear! It looks like Dean absorbs Redding’s spear through his blubbery frame, as half of Alex’s body vanishes, immersed in Dean’s flesh before both men crash to the mat.
Nick Stuart: RED AND TED!!
Since the odds are even, Palmer starts fighting back on Doozer and throws him into the guard rail! Ashley Barlow is seeing all of this now and shouting from the edge of the ring for everyone except Teddy Palmer to GTFO from ringside!
Palmer thanks Redding with a pat on the back and then slides into the ring. Cancer Jiles is fumbling around on all fours as Alexander walks over to Doozer and reigns down forearm smashes across the rapper’s back.
Nick Stuart: Hey. Hey wait a second…
Bobby Dean, while on spaghetti legs, fumbles into the apron and then falls back down, right in front of the referee.
Stuart is able to catch on. So do SOME of the fans… although not everyone is witness to the appropriate angle. Cancer Jiles is propped against the ring post and has both hands around his right leg. Teddy Palmer is on the far end of the ring, seemingly laying eyes on a man barely hanging on, struggling to find his bearings. What he doesn’t know…
The crowd cheers for Palmer to end the match. He marches over to Jiles and drags the Philly native to his feet. About to connect with a ripcord knee strike-
BOOM!
Palmer crashes to the mat in a heap.
Nick Stuart: DAMMIT! It’s a loaded boot! Cancer Jiles was putting on a loaded boot and connected with Terminal Cancer!
The superkick immediately knocks Teddy Palmer to the mat. Jiles smiles amidst the crusted blood on his face and falls to both knees, hooking the leg.
Meanwhile, referee Barlow was successful in sending everyone else to the back. She enters the ring and sees Cancer Jiles with the pinfall attempt.
Nick Stuart: NO!
ONE
TWO
THREE!
Nick Stuart: …No.
DING DING DING
Richard Parker: I’m gonna puke.
Vince Howard: The winner of this match and advancing to the finals of the Almasy Invitational… Cancer Jiles!
The crowd boos as Jiles rolls off his opponent and raises his own arms, albeit barely. Replays show during the kerfuffle, Bobby Dean wobbled his way to ringside and pulled out a loaded boot from his bag of snacks. On the edge of the boot, Cocaine’s horseshoe. Jiles eventually crawled to where the boot was placed on the apron and although he mightily struggled to put it on… The COOL had enough time in-between referee Barlow demanding everyone exit ringside and Teddy Palmer sliding back into the squared circle.
Nick Stuart: Teddy Palmer was hosed here, folks. No other way to put it.
Richard Parker: Were you expecting anything different?
Nick Stuart: Perhaps it’s my fault but yes, yes I was…
Jiles rolls out of the ring as Bobby Dean and Doozer come back down the ramp. They are beaten themselves but not as much as Cancer Jiles.
Nick Stuart: Jiles moves onto the FINALS, Richard. Unreal.
The Egg Bandits slowly walk up the ramp together as Jiles’ theme song plays and the ref checks on Teddy Palmer, who hasn’t moved an inch since receiving the loaded superkick.