THE ANGLO LUCHADOR TRIES TO REPLACE HIS MATCH WITH EL HOMBRE BLANCO, STILL GIVES THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT
The HOTV camera pans to a wide shot of a rabid crowd, cheering their heads off in the most iconic arena in Mexico. Airhorns can be heard intermittently from different parts of the building. PWA-02 is ROCKING at Arena Mexico.
Nick Stuart: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Arena Mexico for PWA-02 Night Two! I’m PRIME Hall of Fame commentator Nick Stuart, and alongside me as always is fellow HOFer, Richard Parker! Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell will call some of the action tonight as well, as will Thunderbolt Smith and Rick Hall.
Richard Parker: But we’re the only ones who REALLY matter, Nick, don’t be afraid to say it!
Nick Stuart: Now, now, Richard, play nice. Anyway, we were supposed to kick off with a High Octane Fighting Club rules match between El Hombre Blanco and The Anglo Luchador, but Blanco couldn’t make it tonight.
Richard Parker: On one hand, I would’ve liked to have seen that mysterious dick-puncher whose identity is locked up so tight that it would take a Dan Brown-novel protagonist to uncrack get beaten by the most annoying man in PRIME. On the other, well, at least we’re spared seeing that annoying ass…
On cue, “Oye Como Va” by Santana hits on the speakers as the crowd goes absolutely apeshit for the one and only Anglo Luchador, who steps out of the curtain in his normal wrestling attire.
Richard Parker: You’ve gotta be kidding me.
The first Intense Champion of the ReVival takes his time, soaking in the cheers from, what he calls it, his “Vatican,” and slapping hands with the raucous fans lining the entryway. Airhorns have reached critical mass at this point
Nick Stuart: Fans love The Anglo Luchador here. He’s toured this country so many times, they’ve accepted him as one of their own.
Richard Parker: Just goes to show the stranglehold the woke cartels have on this country, cheering for this cultural appropriator.
Nick Stuart: Did Steve Solex hand you a pamphlet before the show?
Richard Parker: If I answer this question truthfully, Lindsay Troy might yell at me.
The Luchador reaches the ring and asks for a microphone, which he is obliged with almost immediately. He taps on it to make sure it works, then gives an enthusiastic thumbs up to the crowd, who pops with an enormous RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! He smiles through his mask before lifting the microphone to his mouth.
TAL: Ciudad Mexico, ¿COMO ESTAS?
TAL: Thank you, thank you. I really wanted to come out here tonight in the greatest venue in the whole world, Arena Mexico, put the pirate millionaire’s son in a headlock, and punch him until he said uncle.
Richard Parker: He can’t say that! He can’t say “pirate millionaire!”
Nick Stuart: I don’t think American copyright extends to Mexico, Richard, so he can. And I personally enjoy it, if you don’t mind me editorializing just a bit here.
TAL: Sadly, El Hombre Blanco could not make it to PWA-02: The Search for More Money.
TAL: Now, now, I’m not going to speculate. As much as I pray nightly for his entire family taking a big downfall, I’m not going to cast aspersions on him because, as an old teacher of mine in high school said, “Why lie when the truth is much funnier?” I’m sure Mike, uh, I mean, “Hombre” will give us a great reason why he couldn’t make it. But enough about him for now. I’m here for a reason!
Richard Parker: Yeah, to make my life a waking nightmare.
TAL: See, my plane tickets were non-refundable, and even if they were, do you think I would miss an opportunity to visit mi patria adoptiva? Not a goddamn chance!
TAL: So, I’m here. I’ve got my tights and my boots on. I haven’t had a sip of mezcal since I got off the plane. I did my calisthenics this morning. I’m ready to go, papi. So, if anyone in the back wants to throw down, I welcome the opportunity.
After a few beats, “Keep on Lovin’ You” by REO Speedwagon hits on the PA. Out from the curtains steps “Tough Love” Darin Zion to a chorus of boos once the crowd gets a good look at him. He raises his arms in faux confusion, acting as if the fans in Mexico are in need of a little tough love themselves. He walks to the ring in an eternal eye-roll and slides into the ring, also requesting a microphone.
TAL: You know, Darin, we work for the same company. You could always ask Lindz for a match against me on ReVival.
Zion rolls his eyes again before he puts his microphone to his mouth.
Darin Zion: Excuses, excuses. I can see you TREMBLING in your boots at the prospect of facing the REAL uncrowned Alias Champion, the REAL uncrowned FOREVER PRIME Tag Team Champion, the REAL uncrowned HOW LSD Champion, CHOKING in front of your home crowd here.
TAL: I’m more afraid of food poisoning than you, Zion, and judging by how freely I drink the tap water down here, well…
The crowd laughs.
Darin Zion: Well, then, how about I show you a little TOUGH LOVE? After all, I think beating you is a REAL opportunity. I can show PWA officials I deserve the next shot at El Hombre Blanco’s HOW LSD Championship…
TAL: Well, there’s like five of you in that company anyway, I’m sure you’ll get a shot within the next few weeks whether or not you win any match here. REGARDLESS, I’m not one to back down so…
The Luchador is interrupted as “The Truth” by OUTRAGE hits, and the grizzled joshi punisher, COMBAT Kabuto marches out with swiftness, focused determination on her face as she slides into the ring, no microphone needed. She stares with dead aim at the Luchador before pointing at him.
COMBAT Kabuto: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Zion starts laughing uproariously as the Luchador with shock puts his hands on his chest in a “Who, me?” gesture.
COMBAT Kabuto: 冗談じゃないよ、マスクマン！ あなたの血が欲しいのです！
Nick Stuart: I don’t know what she just said, but I think she means business.
Richard Parker: My Japanese is rusty, but I think she said something about wanting to kill him dead? Either that, or she wants his recipe for chicken-fried kelp.
TAL: Alright, alright, I’m not one to back down from a challenge. I’ll take on both of y…
Just then, “Godzilla” by Bear McCreary and Serj Tankian hits on the PA and the massive God-Beast, Mushigihara, stomps down to the ring with purpose to loud cheers. He too demands a microphone and receives it.
Mushigihara: Luchador! I remember when you trained me in the art of lucha libre. I am still grateful for those lessons. Forget the loudmouth and this angry woman and let me show you how much I’ve learned since then.
TAL: Jeez, what is this, everyone wants a piece of me? That’s fine, there’s more than enough to go around. Mushi, I get you want the one-on-one time, but you can’t skip the line. But, I mean, what’s more lucha libre than a scramble match?
Voice on PA: A trios match, uce!
Out from the curtain walks PRIME senior official and moonlighting current wrestler Timo Bolamba in his wrestling gear, already with a microphone in hand. The microphone budget for PWA-02 rivals the Dusk-era PRIME smoke machine budget, it seems. Timo keeps speaking as he walks to the ring.
Timo Bolamba: Seriously, you saw at PWA-01 how you and I brought the damn house down against SAIGO. People are STILL talking about that match a half-a-year later!
TAL: Bud, you said Trios match though. There are only five people here.
As Timo gets in the ring and takes his place next to the Luchador, only one sound can be heard ringing throughout Arena Mexico.
From out of nowhere it seems, like a Hawlucha landing on his feet after executing a flawless Flying Press, Rocky De Leon, the Fully Dicked Pterodactyl himself, on the Luchador’s other flank.
TAL: Jesus Christ, Rock, you scared me nearly half to death.
Rocky De Leon: GWOK!
TAL: Alright, alright, I get it, you’re sorry. But next time, you gotta chill out.
Rocky De Leon: SKREE!
TAL: Alright, I accept your partnership too.
Richard Parker: Does, uh, does the Luchador understand what he’s saying?
Nick Stuart: We work for PRIME, and THAT’S what sets off your bullshit detector?
TAL: Well then, I think we have a nice little treat to…
Suddenly, Richie Valens’ iconic tune, “La Bamba” hits the PA.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think we’re done with the people who want in on this, but I’m not familiar with that entrance music…
Out walks a massive figure in blue, playing up for the few fans who know who he is.
Nick Stuart: Oh, that’s El Gran Azul!
Richard Parker: El Gran a-who?
Nick Stuart: He’s a relatively new wrestler. Not much is known about him except that he really likes the color blue.
Richard Parker: I swear to God if he shows up at Tropical Turmoil, I’m going to SCREAM.
The Grand Bluchador bounds to the ring and rolls in, snatching the microphone from a startled-looking Zion.
El Gran Azul: ¡Yo quiero lucha!
The Luchador, Timo, Zion, and Mushi look at him with exasperation. Kabuto has not taken her gaze away from the Luchador since coming out to the ring, while Rocky continues to fidget on the flank of the person who kicked this entire circus off.
Rocky De Leon: SQUAAAAAAAAAAWK!
TAL: I agree, Rocky, this is quite the pickle, but I mean…
Once again, another interruption. This time, “El Temblor” by Marea hits the loudspeakers which can only mean one thing.
Nick Stuart: ANOTHER wrestler? This open challenge is turning into quite the clown car.
Richard Parker: It was a clown car the moment the first guy walked out, if you ask me.
Out from the back stomps El Temblor, who makes a bee-line to the ring, slides under the bottom rope, and pops up. He pulls a microphone from his tights.
El Temblor: EL TEMBLOR REMEMBERS YOUR TREACHERY!
However, it is unclear at whom he is directing his accusation. Everyone in the ring except Timo and Rocky ask “who, me?” Timo is clearly used to this by now, while Rocky is oblivious to anything around him and finds purpose only fidgeting and making pterodactyl noises. Finally, the guy who started all this has had enough.
TAL: Alright, alright, enough! I didn’t think so many people would even be here without having a dance partner let alone come out and want to wrestle little old me. Quite frankly, this is getting all too cumbersome and I just can’t deal without settling down.
YET ANOTHER Voice on the PA: Of course you’re overwhelmed. You went and made something all about yourself like you always do.
Nick Stuart: This is getting just a bit ridiculous.
Richard Parker: Now hold on, this guy is making some salient points.
The confusion in Arena Mexico turns its attention to the entrance, but that befuddlement turns to scorn right quick as soon as the person who spoke that last line enters the arena.
Nick Stuart: Not this guy…
Felix Mullen of SHOOT Project steps out dressed in a full suit of conquistador armor with his ratty beard and mustache (groomed, for once).
Nick Stuart: I know I’ve been editorializing a lot for me, but this guy is a nuisance.
Richard Parker: Well, anyone who annoys the Luchador is alright by me.
Felix Mullen: No one should be surprised that this open challenge has turned into a self-serving masturbation session to assuage the massive ego of The Anglo Luchador. I mean, how much do you want to bet that half of these people in the ring are crisis actors? How much did you pay for Pigpen’s girlfriend to come out and make scowling faces at you? You prick!
COMBAT swings around, turning her murder gaze towards the self-proclaimed King of the SHOOT Project Deathmatch as he continues his slow, clanking march to the ring.
Felix Mullen: Not only have you poisoned my girlfriend’s brain into thinking that she can succeed in this business without me, but you’ve made a mockery of lucha libre! Cultural appropriator! What else will a white male like you colonize?
Richard Parker: Okay, now he’s annoying me.
Felix Mullen: Of course, you’re thinking, Felix! You’re wearing the ultimate uniform of the colonizer, the Spaniard’s armor! Well, that’s because irony is the only language you grotesque fans of lucha libre understand! What a boorish, onanistic “art.” PFFT! Just like the Spanish cleansed the world of the barbaric Aztecs, I, THE KING OF THE DEATHMATCH, am going to cleanse this arena of The Anglo Luchador and all who stand with him. I AM THE CONQUISTADOR!!
Felix tries to lift his leg to get into the ring, but the armor is too restrictive. He maneuvers his way at different angles to try and enter the ring without success. Finally, he says “fuck it” and rolls into the ring. After several attempts at trying to get up to his feet, Temblor and Zion finally lift him back up to an upright position.
Felix Mullen: Thank you. NOW, we have eight wrestlers in this ring and a referee.
He points at Timo, who rolls his eyes.
Felix Mullen: Let’s get this relevos atomicos match started. Who will stand with me against this foul luchador?
The wrestlers all look at each other, and the chatter is unable to be deciphered from observing alone.
Nick Stuart: Rich, I don’t think anyone wants to team with Felix.
Richard Parker: To be fair, the guy is in 16th Century armor. Good for defense, but terrible for mobility. I wouldn’t want to team with him either.
After conferring, everyone fixes their gaze on Mullen. Felix outstretches his arms to receive his allies, but instead, Mushigihara is the first to lunge forward with a big chest bump that sends him to his back.
Nick Stuart: Well, that didn’t go as he planned.
Richard Parker: If he was going to do the Hernan Cortes cosplay, he should’ve gone all the way and thrown smallpox blankets on The Anglo Luchador.
Next to lay boots to Felix is COMBAT Kabuto. Then El Gran Azul, Darin Zion, and El Temblor join in. Rocky, Timo, and the Luchador look on.
TAL: Hey, I don’t think this open challenge thing worked out the way I wanted to. You guys wanna go get tacos?
Timo Bolamba: Yeah, just not fast food tacos. I don’t wanna get in trouble again.
Rocky De Leon: SKREEEEEEEEEE!
TAL: Yeah, Rock, we can go somewhere that has lengua.
The Luchador, the Silencer, and the FDP casually walk out of the ring while the rest of the participants in the ring mercilessly maul Felix Mullen.
Richard Parker: It’s a good thing he’s wearing that armor.
Referees, young boys, and PWA officials all pour out of the back to stop the beatdown.
Nick Stuart: Well, what a beginning to PWA-02 Night Two! I can’t wait to see how the rest of this show shakes out.