THE ANGLO LUCHADOR vs. BALAAM THE MASK OF MALICE
Nick Stuart: Ladies and gentlemen, this next match involves two men with absolutely no love lost between them! For over a month now, Hoyt Williams and The Anglo Luchador have been trading barbs via Jabber, and to make things even more complicated, PRIME’s Messiah seems to have drawn the ire of Timo Bolamba as well! Hoyt has put his monster, Balaam in there to do his dirty work for him.
Richard Parker: That damn Samoan has no business besmirching Hoyt and his Church! A referee’s place is to be seen and not heard.
All the lights go out and “Possum Kingdom” by Toadies begins to play. A white strobe light starts flashing, the crowd lets out a loud jeer as smoke begins rising from the entrance way.
Nick Stuart: All the talk of cheap masks, pain, and destruction ends, and the fighting begins.
Standing in the center of the ring holding the gold plated “Good Book” high above his head is the creepy man known as Joe Burro.
Richard Parker: The messenger Donkey Joe Burro is summoning the Monster!!
A white spotlight shines on Hoyt Williams who is leaning against the rail balcony in the Presidential Suite. He is booed as he watches down using Gold Plated Opera style binoculars.
Nick Stuart: Too much to be bothered to be at ring side?
Richard Parker: He’s an owner in an owner’s box Stuart. It’s where owners sit.
The camera watches the entrance way where nothing is happening when suddenly panic from the crowd draws its attention.
Nick Stuart: What now?
The camera cuts through the chaos to find the demented looking mask covering the face of the 6’7” monster who is coming through the crowd from the east side of the area. Rows of people run from their seats as the monster gets close to them. Whenever he almost gets them he is pulled back by the old mysterious looking cowboy towing him along with a thick steel chain attached to the monster’s nose ring.
Nick Stuart: How do you feel about endangering our audience “Saint” Parker?
Richard Parker: He hasn’t hurt anybody! They get out of the way, don’t they?
A fan stops in front of the monster and takes a selfie with him coming behind him. The monster is not a fan of selfies and grabs the guy with one hand ripping his shirt off and tossing him back to a group of his friends in a single motion The Harbinger of Malice tightens up the leash to get more control.
Nick Stuart: You were saying?
Richard Parker: Don’t take unsolicited selfies. It’s another wise lesson from the Church of Hoyt.
Nick Stuart: Please.
The monster hops over the guardrail with great agility he moves to and rolls into the ring. The Harbinger of Malice undoes the chain and uses his whole body driving his shoulder into the monster to back him up into the corner.
Timo Bolamba, absent from face paint, shouts instructions to Duke and Joe Burro. They back up and he checks Balaam before signaling that he is good to compete.
The arena darkens. The PRIME fanbase is buzzing as they wait for the challenger to arrive.
The first dabs of the organ intro to “Oye Como Va” by Santana fill the arena as purple and green lights strobe while the telltale mask of the Anglo Luchador rotate on the PRIMEview behind. Smoke begins to waft across the entryway as the instrumental beginning of the song swells into its big climax.
Nick Stuart: Here’s the man who willfully picked a fight with this monster!
Richard Parker: He needs to get his cheap mask out of the building before Balaam rips him apart!
Right before the lyrics sound, The Anglo Luchador appears from the back, looking out at the crowd. He exhales and bows his head before he takes his final stride towards the ring. He stops just before climbing in to assess the situation. He’s clearly nervous, but bravely he climbs up the steps and makes his way to the opposite corner.
Timo is waiting for him and motions for him to stand in his corner while he does his inspection. Satisfied that The Anglo Luchador is not hiding any weaponry, he turns and nods to Vince Howard. The veteran voice of PRIME steps forward and booms out his introductions.
Vince Howard: Standing at 6’7” and weighing in at 345 lbs, from Prospect Height, Illinois, The Mask of Malice…BAAAAALAAAAAAM!
The fans boo and jeer as the monster now known as Balaam snorts like a bull awaiting release during a rodeo. Duke Williams slips out of the ring and joins Joe Burro who has also made his way to the outside of the ring.
Vince Howard: And his opponent…Standing at 6’0” and weighing in at 211 lbs, from Philadelphia, PA…THEEE AAAAAANGLOOOOO LUUUUUUCHADOOOOR!
Nick Stuart: More than a month of bad blood comes to a head right here and now folks! Can Anglo do what he says and stop the monster Balaam?
Richard Parker: If Hoyt’s suit is any indication of Balaam’s skills, I don’t think so!
Nick Stuart: What would his suit have to do with it?
Richard Parker: I…just…look at its majesty!
Timo steps to the center of the ring and checks both competitors. Balaam looks down on TAL and snorts. The Anglo Luchador looks on with steely eyes.
DING DING!
TAL rushes forward, swarming on Balaam before he can even make it a step out of the corner. The smaller man launches leg kicks with everything he has, and Balaam shrugs him off. He grabs the Luchador by the face with a whole palm, and throws him end over end across the ring as Duke yells on approvingly.
The Old Luchador barely has time to compose himself as Balaam thunders across the ring at him and launches his opponent into the air with a wicked rising knee. TAL hits the turnbuckles hard and groans.
Nick Stuart: This is already going south for The Luchador!
Richard Parker: All the Icy Hot in the world won’t save you from Hoyt’s wrath!
As Balaam reaches in to secure his opponent, Anglo leaps forward and grabs his trunk-like arm. The monster howls as TAL grabs his fingers and bends them backwards at an awkward angle.
He leads Balaam in a circle, moving toward the center of the ring by manipulating the larger man’s joints, then kicks him in the torso several times, leading to Balaam looking to the outside for help.
Duke Williams slams the mat and yells at his monster and the Mask of Malice snorts in defiance. A looping blow wooshes over TAL’s head as he barely evades having his head taken off.
Balaam swings again angrily and continues to come up empty as the smaller man deftly avoids his strikes. However, The Old Luchador is being backed into the opposing corner slowly and soon runs out of real estate to retreat into. As he hits the corner turnbuckle, he catches a clubbing blow across the shoulder which knocks him to his knee.
Nick Stuart: I am afraid this isn’t just a mismatch on paper ladies and gents, this is a dangerous situation that can go south quickly. That monster doesn’t understand his own power.
Richard Parker: Hoyt understands it though, and if The Anglo Luchador hadn’t been mouthing off all month this wouldn’t have had to happen. Hoyt is Good!
Nick Stuart: Honestly, it’s scary when you’re right about something.
Duke Williams motions with his hands upward and Balaam grins under his mask. Before The Old Luchador can react, Balaam grabs him by the throat with both hands and lifts him in the air.
Nick Stuart: He is trying the same maneuver he nearly ended Cancer Jiles with a month ago!
Richard Parker: I wish he had popped Jiles like a zit!
The Old Luchador struggles, trying to sneak free, to no avail. Timo, monitoring the action closely, begins to count the choke, prepared to break it if needed.
Timo Bolamba: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOU…
As Timo is just about to finish his fourth count, TAL wriggles with all his moxy and slides right out of the grip of The Mask of Malice, landing on his feet in the corner. Balaam looks dumbstruck and Duke jumps on the apron to scream about foul play.
Nick Stuart: Timo has separated the two and is checking The Anglo Luchador’s neck area.
The Samoan wipes his hand across TAL’s neck and rubs his fingers together before smelling the substance. The ref admonishes The Old Luchador and calls for a towel. As he gives the towel to TAL, he leans out of the ring and shouts at the announcers desk.
Nick Stuart: Timo has just told us that The Anglo Luchador has greased himself up with Icy Hot, no doubt in preparation of having to escape that very choke hold! TAL has been issued a warning and must remove the foreign substance!
Richard Parker: That no good cheater! Hoyt’s wrath will be swift!
The referee starts the match again and this time, TAL runs forward and double drop-kicks Balaam, which causes him to stumble back into the corner. The Old Luchador runs to the opposite corner and bounds off, rolling through into a springboard elbow strike across the jaw. He bounces off Balaam and again bounds off the opposite corner, building up steam as he charges across the ring and…
Richard Parker: Welcome to Air Balaam!
Balaam uses TAL’s momentum against him and launches him up in the air, over his head, and clear past the barrier into the crowd. Fans scatter to avoid being hit and a commotion ensues. Several chairs clatter to the ground as TAL crashes through them headfirst.
Timo motions for the medical team to come out of the back but, before they can make it down the ramp, Balaam is out of the ring and picking The Old Luchador up like a rag doll from the floor.
Nick Stuart: The Anglo Luchador appears to have picked up a gash in his left shoulder, no doubt from landing in that pile of chairs.
Richard Parker: “Without the shedding of blood, there is no remission of sins!”
Nick Stuart: Did you come up with that on your own?
Richard Parker: Of course not, I was taught from on high, The Word! Hebrews 9:22, which is an echo of Leviticus 17:11 “For the life of the flesh is in the blood, and I have given it to you on the altar to make atonement for your souls: for it is the blood by reason of the life that makes atonement.”
Nick looks at his broadcast partner dumbstruck.
Richard Parker: That is “Saint” Parker to you!
Blood does indeed start to trickle down TAL’s arm and he seems to be dumbstruck from the power of that move. Balaam looks forward to Duke and Joe Burro for instruction and Duke grins at his son’s monster. Joe Burro holds The Good Book aloft and shouts at Balaam while Duke slinks to the other side of the ring.
Joe Burro: Crucify him!
Balaam hoists The Old Luchador up and at the same time across the ring, quick as he ever was, Duke Williams jumps on the mat to confront Timo Bolamba. The high quality microphones of PRIME aren’t needed to pick up the heated conversation, but they do anyhow.
Duke Williams: Couldn’t cut it anymore, Hoss?
Timo Bolamba: I don’t need to! Get off my mat and stay out of this!
Duke Williams: YOUR mat? I bled for people like you to follow me in the ring. I fought the legends that built your path, son. Hell, I AM the legend that YOU followed.
The two PCW alumni are nearly nose to nose across the ring as Joe Burro is tying TAL’s arms in the top two ropes. He jumps down off the mat and Balaam lets The Old Luchador hang like Christ from the ring ropes.
The referee backs up a few feet and Duke smiles in equal parts angelic and devilish. For the moment forgetting his place, Timo motions for Duke to get in the ring and prove it. Duke thinks about it for a minute and looks around as the PRIME faithful rise to their feet, recognizing these two warriors with a twenty-plus year history that have never faced one another are finally about to square off.
RAAAAAAH!
Outside the ring, Joe Burro is directing the monster expertly. Balaam roars and scares away a ring attendant to grab their chair and heads back towards TAL as he hangs helplessly from the ropes.
Nick Stuart: I don’t like where this is headed. The Anglo Luchador is helpless to the machinations of the monster right now!
Duke Williams takes another pause before stepping through the ropes and right up to Timo’s face. The two PCW veterans stand eye to eye talking aggressively to one another. Duke says something that draws the referee’s ire and the Samoan smiles confidently, raising his hand and telling him “come on”. Finally Duke has had enough of the Samoan’s smugness and pushes the referee with both hands. As Timo steps backwards, he nods and points at the old cowboy.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think it was wise to lay hands on an official, even if he did bait him!
Richard Parker: That Big-Head Bolamba has no authority to do this! Duke didn’t do anything wrong!
Nick Stuart: He clearly pushed Timo, and the referee’s are not to be assaulted.
Timo Bolamba: You’re gone Duke!
The referee points to the ramp and throws Duke Williams out from ringside! Duke is absolutely fuming and stomps within the ring. Timo turns his attention around and sees The Old Luchador hanging by the ropes with Joe Burro holding his legs so he can’t move while Balaam approaches with a chair.
Timo Bolamba: You’re gone Burro!
He throws the other member of the clergy out of the ringside area as well and the fans cheer heavily while Duke and Joe regroup before heading up the ramp, protesting as they do. Balaam stands still for a moment unsure of what to do without guidance. The Anglo Luchador knows exactly what to do, kicking out with everything he has into Balaam’s face and knocking him back into the barrier. Timo checks on The Old Luchador as TAL untangles his arms.
Richard Parker: That no good Jitterbug carrying Bolamba! He did that on purpose!
Nick Stuart: On purpose or not, Balaam is in big trouble without Duke and Burro!
The Anglo Luchador jumps off the ring apron and plants his bloody elbow squarely into the forehead of Balaam. The larger man teeters, and TAL loads up a knife edge chop into the big man’s chest with an echoing slap before delivering another, and another.
Timo is in the ring counting the two combatants as they do battle outside the ring. TAL loads up another chop and Balaam groans as he takes the veteran’s offense across a reddening chest. Balaam pushes The Old Luchador away and stumbles toward the ring, unsure what to do. He shakes his head and rolls into the ring, trying to formulate a plan as his eyes search the sides of the ring in vain.
Nick Stuart: Balaam looks completely lost, I hope he doesn’t get hurt in there!
Richard Parker: Balaam is the Mask of Malice, he does the hurting, not the other way around.
The Old Luchador rolls back in the ring and charges at Balaam to try to build on his momentum, but Balaam lashes out like a hammer, clubbing TAL to the ground with a thudding forearm. He follows by kicking The Anglo Luchador in the ribs one, two, three, four times! Timo circles and watches the action closely.
TAL rolls on the ground and Balaam charges forward, punting The Old Luchador out of the ring through the bottom and middle ropes. The behemoth rolls out on the adjacent side of the ring and stomps around the corner. As he does, The Anglo Luchador pops up and tosses the steel chair at him, and Balaam catches it with both hands.
The Anglo Luchador: SAY GOODNIGHT, JOHN BOY!
TAL leaps to the edge of the apron and off in one smooth motion, double-drop kicking the chair right into Balaam’s face.
CRACK!
RAAAAAH!
The Godzillian man stumbles backward and falls on his back with a tremendous thud!
Nick Stuart: That is the first time Royko has been off his feet as the monster Balaam!
Richard Parker: Damn that Luchador! Damn that Timo Bolamba! They are a plague on Hoyt’s good name!
Nick Stuart: Speaking of Timo, he has started the count on the two competitors.
Timo Bolamba: ONE!
TAL knows Balaam won’t stay down for long and turns tail to run. Balaam gets to his feet and gives chase.
Timo Bolamba: TWO!
The Old Luchador hops a barricade and runs through the crowd up an aisle. Balaam is hot on his heels.
Timo Bolamba: THREE!
As TAL makes it to the entry to section 130-140, he grabs a Pretzel cart and overturns it in the monster’s path.
Timo Bolamba: FOUR!
The Anglo Luchador disappears in the concourse briefly before appearing in the entry to section 120-130. He pulls a lighting rig down and scampers behind a row of seats with the PRIME Faithful cheering him on as he does.
Timo Bolamba: FIVE!
Balaam roars through the curtain and trips over the lighting rig. The Old Luchador pauses long enough to snap a selfie with a fan and slap a few hands before waving at Balaam and bolting as The Mask of Malice cuts a straight line through the crowd, fans scattering and chairs clattering.
Timo Bolamba: SIX!
Balaam barely misses The Anglo Luchador as he ducks under his giant meathook, and the large man plows through a storage container. TAL heads toward the ring, throwing chairs on the ground all down the aisle to slow the monster down.
Timo Bolamba: SEVEN!
As Balaam shakes his head and looks for his prey, TAL throws a large soda at him, hitting him squarely in the chest. The behemoth roars in fury as he plows forward, slowed but not stopped by the piles of chairs in his path.
Timo Bolamba: EIGHT!
The Anglo Luchador runs back toward the ring now, with Balaam in HOT pursuit. Nick Stuart and Richard Parker stand up as TAL and The Mask of Malice barrels down the aisle.
Timo Bolamba: NINE!
The Old Luchador leaps for everything he is worth as Timo’s hands are coming up for the ten count and barely makes the edge of the ring. He clutches the rope and scrambles his legs for purchase, catching his left foot and just sneaking under the bottom rope.
Timo Bolamba: TEN! RING THE BELL!
DING DING!
There is no time to celebrate as Balaam leaps from the ground up to the apron and over the top rope in a two step move that defies both his size and physics. Before TAL can react, he is in the monster’s grasp, and thrown halfway across the ring into the corner.
Nick Stuart: Balaam has absolutely lost it! Where are Duke and Burro to calm him down? Why is Hoyt conspicuously absent from the owners box?
Richard Parker: This is what you get when you antagonize Hoyt!
Balaam continues beating TAL unmercifully, hammering on him with bludgeoning shots like a great ape tossing the much smaller luchador around in his infinite wrath. Timo Bolamba tries to step in and narrowly avoids a clubbing blow from the unchained monster.
Finally Hoyt appears at the top of the ramp bathed in white light, decked in his pearlescent suit embroidered with a crucified Jesus Christ on the back. Balaam looks up to his keeper before rolling out of the ring and leaving TAL in a heap in the corner.
Richard Parker: “And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell” Matthew 10:8.
Nick Stuart: Timo is frantically calling the medical team out to the ring right now, and The Anglo Luchador appears to have paid the price for his victory.
A hush falls over the crowd as the team circles the fallen luchador. The cameras linger in the ring, trying to make their way past the crowd of medical officials. Timo paces nervously as he looks at the fallen competitor.
After what seems like an eternity, he slowly sits up and pushes back the medical team. The Old Luchador shakes his head and slowly stands up using the ropes for support. Timo steps over to attend to his friend and they talk briefly before Timo holds up The Anglo Luchador’s hand in victory.
Vince Howard: Here is your winner…THEEE AAAAAANGLOOOOO LUUUUUUCHADOOOOR!