THE ANGLO LUCHADOR vs. TRISTAN-CRISPIN GLADHAPPY
Nick Stuart: We’ve seen a lot of excellent wrestling here tonight, Richard, but this next match promises to be a true showcase of talent. Coming back off the heels of a painful and bloody loss to Paxton Ray in Revival 21 where he relinquished the Intense Champion title, The Anglo Luchador makes his return tonight, and here… he… comes.
The arena darkens. The first dabs of the organ intro to “Oye Como Va” by Santana fill the arena as purple and green lights strobe while the telltale mask of the Anglo Luchador rotate on the PRIMEview behind. Smoke begins to waft across the entryway as the instrumental beginning of the song swells into its big climax. Right before the lyrics sound, The Anglo Luchador appears from the back, looking out at the crowd. He exhales and bows his head before he takes his final stride towards the ring.
Vince Howard: Weighing in tonight at 211 pounds and hailing from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania… The ANGLOOOOOOOOO LUUUUUUUUUUUUUCHADOR!
Because of You by 98 Degrees is piped in over the PA system as a tan, Gen Z wrestler steps onto the ramp and heads toward the ring. He stops every ten feet or so to hug himself and make eyes at the audience.
Nick Stuart: And entering the ring now is a recent fan favorite, the Nuzzle Lord himself…
Vince Howard: And weighing in tonight at 219 pounds… from Sacramento California… TRISTAAAAN-CRISPIIIIN GLAAAAAAAAADHAPPYYYYYYYY.
Richard Parker: Given how The Anglo Luchador failed to prevent the Intense Champion title from falling into the hands of that absolute maniac, Paxton Ray, I think it’s safe to say I’ve lost all faith in any ability he may have once had, and I fully expect DJ Tristy Crispy to nuzzle him into oblivion.
Nick Stuart: However anyone might feel towards the former Intense Champion, one thing is undeniable – his will and perseverance are unmatched, and he has now fully recovered from what can only be described as traumatic injury in ReVival 21 to get back in the ring tonight.
DING DING
Nick Stuart: And there’s the bell, our two contenders begin circling each other, each waiting for the other to make the first move. Tristan Gladhappy is all grins tonight, and he seems to be teasing the Anglo Luchador, giggling every time he feints toward him.
Richard Parker: I also tend to giggle at The Anglo Luchador, Nick, but that’s only because I think he’s a washed up joke.
TAL decides to take the match into his own hands, and he slides foot-first at Gladhappy’s ankles. Tristan deftly jumps out of the way, not even bothering to strike back.
He begins to play to the crowd, smiling at beautiful women and beautiful men. He hugs himself and blows kisses to a young couple in the front row, and at the very moment he purses his lips for a third lady holding a sign that reads, “I’LL SHOW YOU WHERE TO NUZZLE ME” the Paladin of Prime sneaks up behind and initiates a headlock takeover.
TCG remains unfazed, and, if anything, smiles wider as he bridges his body, reaches his arm under The Luchador’s bent leg, and grabs his achilles tendon. With surprisingly speed, The Nuzzle Lord spins his body over, flipping the Son of the Shogun to his stomach in the process. As he escapes TAL’s hold, he slides over TAL’s back, landing his torso over TAL’s head and facing his feet, and wraps the Luchador up in his arms, his right around the neck and his left under TAL’s right arm.
Nick Stuart: My goodness, Richard, Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy is putting on a display so far tonight. We can see why the PRIME powers that be saw fit to elevate this young man into a match with the former champion and currently third ranked wrestler in all of the federation. What a show of talent and potential.
Richard Parker: Absolutely, Nick, Chicken Lettuce Wrap is giving a clinic on controlling the ring. Now if only he could control his libido.
TCG continues to disrespect the former champion, waving to the crowd and blowing kisses rather than maintaining his hold. It costs him that precious control for a moment as the Lucha breaks the hold and slides around to place his right knee sharply in TCG’s kidney.
Richard Parker: Ooooh, that’s gotta hurt. Hits like that are exactly why I work out my kidneys for 30 minutes every other day with a steady delivery of hard liquor. Keeps them in fighting shape.
Nick Stuart: Tristan looks to be feeling the effects of that kidney stinger more than a little, Richard. The Paladin of Prime is taking every advantage of the situation, too – sending a flurry of blows at TCG with a quick right jab, left jab, right cross combo that is likely to leave his opponent seeing stars.
Tristan bends over the top rope and spits a string of blood to the ground. A manic grin takes over his face as he does. The Luchador approaches from behind to instigate a grapple, but Gladhappy slips under and away, spins behind TAL and delivers an elbow strike to the back of his head.
TCG quickly goes back to back with the Anglo Luchador, and lifts him up to begin a backbreaker submission. He parades around the ring with TAL over his shoulder, bouncing his back and grinning every time TAL cries out in pain. He walks to the corner, and continues the back breaker while also slamming the Luchador’s head into the top pad on the corner with every bounce.
Nick Stuart: Things are not looking good for the former champion, Richard. He just had an enormous amount of strain placed on his spine by Gladhappy, and he doesn’t look to be recovering. This could be the end of it.
Richard Parker: I don’t care. Let’s just get this over with.
TCG flings TAL’s body to the floor where he falls limply on his back, unable to even wince in pain.
Nick Stuart: And he moves into position for the pin, but… what’s this? Richard, I’ve watched a lot of wrestling in my day, but I can’t say I understand what’s happening right now. Gladhappy seems to be content ignoring the near lifeless form of The Anglo Luchador in the middle of the ring.
Richard Parker: Well, Tristan Cripsan Glispan may have style, but I guess he’s not necessarily all that smart.
Gladhappy takes the opportunity to leave the ring and begin mingling with the fans.
Nick Stuart: …is he signing autographs?
Richard Parker: Looks like it. I don’t think that one was on paper, though…
Tristan finishes signing the chest of one particularly buxom fan before nuzzling right by the signature. The crowd appears to be eating it up and egging him on. He makes no suggestion of getting back in the ring any time soon, hugging and nuzzling anyone that will let him.
Referee Barlow becomes annoyed with the display.
Ashley Barlow: You better have yourself back in this ring before I hit ten, Gladhappy. ONE!… TWO!… THREE!…
Nick Stuart: Showing a complete lack of respect for his opponent…
Richard Parker: Showing him exactly the amount of respect he’s due, I’d say.
Nick Stuart: …TCG begins to return to the ring when Referee Ashley Barlow makes clear that she won’t put up with any more grandstanding
Ashley Barlow: FOUR!… FIVE!… SIX!…
TCG saunters back toward the ring, shaking hands, delivering neck nuzzles and love bites, and generally acting like a hybrid between politician and a burlesque performer.
Ashley Barlow: SEVEN!… EIGHT!…
Tristan grins as he starts to climb back into the ring, setting a folding chair he picked up along the way just at the edge of ringside.
He slides up to Barlow and tries to Nuzzle her, but she turns away in disgust, stopping her count. The Anglo Luchador appears to stir and start to move. A fan in the stands starts throwing plastic lips in the ring, made to match the design of TCG’s knee pad logo. Barlow turns to instruct security to deal with the menace.
Nick Stuart: A chair placed at ringside… what do you think he plans to do with that, Richard?
Richard Parker: If I had to guess, I’d say nuzzle it.
While Barlow is distracted, Tristan quickly returns for his chair, smashes it over The Anglo Luchador’s head, and tosses it back out of the ring. The crowd is split between cheers and boos as Barlow completely misses the illegal display.
Richard Parker: Close enough.
Not wasting his opportunity a second time, The Nuzzle Lord gets down on the mat and slides his body slowly over The Anglo Luchador. He sits up to straddle the Lucha’s chest and firmly grips his shoulders, pinning them to the floor.
Satisfied that the Paladin of Prime isn’t going anywhere, TCG adopts a small sly smile and begins to lean down slowly, face to face with The Anglo Lucahdor.
Nick Stuart: Gladhappy has the former champion pinned! Wait, he’s… he’s adjusting position and is he… YES, YES HE IS. HE’S GOING FOR A NUZZLE.
Richard Parker: We all know Tristan loves to Nuzzle, but I think something a bit more sinister may be afoot here, Nick. Years of commentating have led us to this exchange, and I’m going to have to do some deep introspection about my career choices after this match.
TCG maintains his pin on the Paladin of Prime as the ref counts
Ashley Barlow: One!…
His face leans in close as his left hand slowly creeps toward TAL’s neck and chin. He practically tickles the masked man as he finger-walks up his body.
Ashley Barlow: Two!…
He slides his cheek against the cloth of the most famous mask in all of PRIME and begins to nuzzle at the former champion’s cheek. As he does, his hand dares to touch the bottom edge of his mask. Tristan pulls gently on the cloth.
Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy: Everyone knows the best nuzzles… require skin contact.
Richard Parker: I cannot believe my eyes! Tristan-Crsipin Gladhappy, presently ranked 20th in all of Prime is about to unmask The Anglo Luchador!
Nick Stuart: Ooooooh boy, Richard, that’s a hell of a risk he’s taking. Everyone’s favorite lucha is not going to be pleased.
TCG slowly pulls on the mask. He has the fabric in position to lift and uncover the Luchador’s chin. He teases it, taunting the audience in a “Will I? Won’t I? I shouldn’t. Should I?” display.
At that moment, the extremely sensitive and highly trained nerves of The Anglo Luchador feel the touch of the Nuzzle Lord’s fingers. Synapses fire in his brain as he recognizes the loathsome act in which Gladhappy is engaged. The Son of the Shogun’s eyes bolt wide open, and his arms snap into position allowing him to grab Tristan by the wrists.
The veins in his arm appear ready to burst as TAL emits a guttural scream in the face of Gladhappy. He lifts himself from the mat, shoulders first. The count stops, and his abs, back, and arms ripple with the sheer force of will being shoved through the muscles as he pushes TCG off his body. He feints right, but snaps his whole body to the left, throwing Tristan-Crispin to the ground. The younger man’s head strikes the mat and he lies there dazed as his senior stands with fire in his eyes.
Nick Stuart: What an AMAZING turn of events for The Anglo Luchador; Richard, I’m pretty sure if the Nuzzling didn’t stoke the flames of aggression in him, daring to touch that mask was maybe the worst decision Gladhappy has ever made. I can feel the heat in his Anglo glare from here.
Richard Parker: Yep, Crispy Triscuit’s going to need to take back command of this situation quickly if he wants that W.
He would not get that chance. The Anglo Luchador wastes no time in approaching a dazed Gladhappy and stomps ferociously at his head – three sharp strikes. The former DJ is bleeding profusely from the nose as TAL pulls him to his feet. Still dazed, there is little TCG can do to resist when the Lucha strikes him across the jaw before quickly spinning 180 degrees, then performing a standard backflip into a hurricanrana.
The Anglo Luchador, in his fervor, does not allow Referee Barlow the opportunity to call the fight, even though it is clear Tristan-Crispin is no longer able to compete. He forces the Nuzzle Lord to his feet once more, only to perform a flawless and forceful Karelin Driver into a pin that Gladhappy would almost certainly submit to if he was physically able to tap the mat.
Barlow slides into place alongside the pinned limp body of Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy and rapidly slaps the count.
Ashley Barlow: One! Two! Three!
DING DING DING
The Anglo Luchador stands, lifts Tristan, and hurls him from the ring. He roars, his eyes murderously red and unhinged.
Vince Howard: Your winner by three-count pin, former PRIME champion THE ANGLO LUCHADOR!
Vince dares to grab and raise TAL’s hand in the air. Oye Como Va blasts over the PA system, and sanity appears to return to the Luchador’s eyes as he realizes what has happened. He addresses the crowd, both arms now in the air, basking in their cheers.
Nick Stuart: And that right there is exactly what we expect of a PRIME champion, past or present. What an amazing fight Richard.
Richard Parker: Super. *crunch crunch* You wanna Triscuit?