THE APPROACH
We fade to a door inside of the KFC Yum! Center. Standing outside of the door are two men everyone knows very well, and it’s Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips of the Glue Man Group! Applause! Joe is as bedazzled as usual, while Sid simply opts for the simple, far less opulent black suit. With them, standing in quiet observation, is Cecilworth Farthington…’s cardboard standee, better known as his secretary, Cardsworth.
Joe Fontaine: I’m telling you, this is serious.
Sid Phillips: Okay.
Joe Fontaine: We’re talking about the potential for an international incident here. We need to watch what we say and do and what we’re powerbombing.
Sid Phillips: It would be an international incident to me if I don’t get to powerbomb something soon.
Joe Fontaine: Look, I know how you feel…
Sid Phillips: No, you don’t.
Joe Fontaine: Look, I have a general idea in the vague direction of whatever powerbomb you’re thinking of at this moment…
Sid Phillips: Try me.
Joe Fontaine: Powerbomb out of a vertical suplex.
Sid Phillips: Fuck.
The door swings open and two individuals step out of the darkness and immediately in front of Joe, Sid, and Cardsworth. The Beasts of Tokyo stand in their way, behind them, far down the dark passageway is a single large chair, illuminated by a single light bulb, the ‘throne’ is set up on a stage. The Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba sits on his throne conversing with a mysterious birdman. Finally after a few uncomfortable moments a mysterious birdman steps into the darkness, and it takes many more uncomfortable moments for him to make his way to the light of the doorway. He and Rhinohorn converse before a mysterious birdman fades back into the darkness and “Rhino Horn” Shinji Komiya steps forward.
Shinji Komiya: You may enter, the Generalissimo awaits your presence.
Joe and Sid exchange looks. Joe nervously gulps before Komiya steps aside to allow him and Sid to walk inside. After a short pause, Joe comes back and sheepishly brings Cardsworth into the room with him. With Cardsworth neatly tucked underneath his arm, Joe and Sid walk down a long, dark hallway. At the end of which is a chair. Sitting upon it is a man who might seem very familiar to anyone who is familiar with Indiana Hoosiers basketball. Well, that and anyone who watched him on ReVival 36.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Why do you seek mah presence?
Joe Fontaine: Well, Generalissimo Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba, you see… uh, look. Imagine, if you will, an opportunity for glue and Bolambaland to come together in a perfect, let’s say an adhesive union?
Sid Phillips: Or an opportunity to powerbomb things. I’m more in that line of work than the sticky line. A lot of the good powerbombs need a good, quick release, and involving glue in some way spoils those.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: RHINOHORN!
Scurrying can be heard in the darkness as Shinji Komiya steps forward from the darkness, clearly slightly out of breath from the long run down the dark hallway. He presents himself into the light and the Generalissimo nods.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Allow this man to powerbomb you.
Shinji gulps, Garry smirks. Sid stares at him with those eyes of his, those very sexually powerful eyes that might compel weaker men to bend over, waiting to be powerbombed. You know those eyes. Maybe someday, Komiya-san will be able to stand with the legends of Bang! Pro Wrestling. Today is not that day. Today is a day for powerbombs. Komiya is compelled to bend over, and then nature takes over from there.
Because as we all know in nature, the powerbomb is the natural predator of the rhino. They teach that shit in biology.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Mr. Phillips, just so you know, indiscriminately powerbombing things is legal in Bolambaland.
Sid goes to speak. The Generalissimo silences him with a simple gesture and stands up to his full height, aided by the small stage, Garry towers over the two Glue Boys.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Ain’t even just legal, actually we encourage indiscriminate powerbombing. A man like yerself would have a wonderful life in Bolambaland…
Joe Fontaine: You know, he’s kinda… well, he’s kinda spoken for? In a platonic, brother-in-law kind of way, I mean. Wow. The fanfic writers are gonna have a field day with that one.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Mr. Fontaine, I have let Mr. Phillips powerbomb one of my men. Now, present me with the gifts you bring me as payment.
The darkness is now alive, wings flutter, beasts roar, rhino’s whimper somberly, The Beasts of Tokyo step out of the darkness first, and a mysterious birdman lumbers off of the stage and down in front of Joe and Sid. The Generalissimo steps to the edge of the stage and outstretches his hand.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: The gifts.
Joe Fontaine: Wait, gifts? I was supposed to bring gifts? Since when? I wasn’t consulted about this in my Bolambaland pamphlet.
Sid Phillips shoves him and mutters under his breath.
Sid Phillips: Jesus Christ. How did you not know you needed gifts? Even I know that you needed a gift!
Sid reaches into the inside of his pocket, and pulls out several cards, passing them over to Garry.
Sid Phillips: Dale trading cards. Admittedly, I didn’t know if you already had these or not, but better safe than sorry.
He gestures to Joe.
Sid Phillips: He’s about to be sorry.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Your gift Mr. Phillips is appreciated, they will go into the Bolambaland treasury to be saved and cared for with the utmost care.
A trading card binder is produced that says “BOLAMBALAND TREASURY” on it in black sharpie and the Dale cards are placed within. The Generalissimo turns to Joe and steps down off of the stage.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Bare your cheek Joe…
Joe Fontaine: Okay, that’s weird, but… y’know what, this sounds like some sort of Bolambaland tradition and I don’t want to step on any cultural toes here.
He starts to undo his belt, but he only gets as far as undoing the buckle before he’s stopped by a huge hand.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Your face cheek, I’m not your father… but if he would have beaten his insolent son more, maybe he would have grown up ta be more respectful of other cultures. Bare your fuckin’ cheek.
Joe pauses, before he recognizes exactly which cheek he’s referring to.
Joe Fontaine: Oh. This is going to suck, isn’t it?
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Very much.
SLAP
Most mortal men who get slapped by the slap fighting champion of Nelson County, Kentucky are usually rendered a weeping pile of pudding. Joe Fontaine takes it and does a full on pirouette that sends him spiraling to the ground in a heap. Then he becomes a weeping pile of pudding.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Now… that we’ve handled the pleasantries. Tell me more about your request.
Joe Fontaine groans on the ground for a hot minute. Everyone waits patiently for him to stop crying.
Sid Phillips: Stop crying.
Okay, almost everyone.
Joe Fontaine: pain
Sid Phillips: You know, that was like a 2 on the official Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba slap index. A 2! I mean, once you get to 5, you don’t have a face any more. Unless it’s been replaced with the Enhanced Bolamba scale, which I’m sure you’re a big fan of and you don’t have any weird opinions about.
Sid looks over at Garry apologetically.
Sid Phillips: I’m sorry about Joe. He was raised by wolves.
Considering the kind of man Joey Malone is, that might not be too far from the truth.
Sid Phillips: You’re welcome to take said wolves into Bolambaland if you want, I’m sure he won’t mind.
Garry nods with appreciation for Sid Phillips’ wise words.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: The request.
Sid Phillips: Right. We’re here to humbly ask for your officiating expertise in our rock-paper-scissors challenge with the Masters of the Moscowverse.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: Capitalism and communism… and now they finally need monsterism. I told ya’ll they’d come callin’ fer us. It’s a big three! Not a big two! I’d be honored ta officiate this matter of competing political ideologies…
Joe Fontaine: awesome
Sid Phillips: Alright, cool. We’ll see you there, then.
Sid looks down at Joe.
Sid Phillips: Get off the floor, dipshit, we’re out.
It takes Joe a bit of time to find whatever parts of his soul that Garry slapped out of him, but he eventually gets up just as ReVival cuts back to ringside for our next match.