the eGG Bandits vs. Blue Live Crew
Nick Stuart: Tonight’s action continues with a contest featuring two up and coming teams in the burgeoning PRIME tag team scene! King Blueberry’s rowdy antics in Blue Live Crew are set to face Doozer and Bobby Dean of the eGG Bandits!
Richard Parker: We got a guy who can’t stop eating, a guy who can’t be seen, a guy who can’t be comprehended, and a guy who is not a guy at all, because he is an inanimate object. What could possibly go wrong here?
The first thing that happens is the PRIMEview flickers to life. It displays an image of King Blueberry, who is shirtless, seated atop a horse while cradling El Hijo Del Super Cool Guy in his arms. The mannequin wears a dress. Because reasons. The entire image is set against the serene backdrop of a mountain, and is completely still save for the flowing golden locks that the King has because who-the-hell-knows-why. Yes, it is as if someone animated the cover of a shitty romance novel.
And what better accompaniment could there be to such an image than the catchy jams of Russian dance-pop group Little Big, and their “Romantic Edition” remix of hit song “Skibidi”.
Vince Howard: From the ‘Hippest Part of the Produce Section’. Weighing in tonight at a total combined weight of 223 pounds… King Blueberry! El Hijo Del Super Cool Guy! The Blue – Live – Crew!
When this daffy-ass team finally appears, the crowd sees King Blueberry in full Tobey-Maguire-dance-walk mode, vibing towards the ring. He’s followed closely behind by an attendant carrying the fixed form of the son of Super Cool Guy. This attendant’s name is Mark, and he hates his life.
Richard Parker: I feel you, Mark. I feel you.
“Banditstruck” blasts through the PA. “Beautiful” Bobby Dean steps through the curtain, chowing down on bundt cake to a massive ovation from the PRIMEates. He smiles innocently. Doozer strides past him and heads for the ring, though nobody seems to notice him. Bobby waddles down the ramp after him spilling crumbs everywhere.
Vince Howard: And the opponents, at a combined weight of 642 pounds… Doozer! “Beautiful” Bobby Dean! The eGG Bandits!
Doozer slides into the ring and immediately looks ready for action. Predictably, Bobby takes his time ascending the steel steps to the apron. It goes without saying that King Blueberry and the Dooze start off for their respective teams. Official Jimmy Turnbull cues for the bell.
DING DING
King Blueberry scans the ring, unable to see his opponent. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth, Doozer barrels forward and lays him out with a running shoulder block. KB springs right back up but almost immediately walks right into a belly-to-belly suplex by the Dooze!
In the Bandits corner, Bobby applauds. In the Crew corner, El Hijo del Super Cool Guy remains indifferent as always. Doozer pulls the shaken King Blueberry back to his feet and sends him to the ropes. To many untrained eyes in the audience, King Blueberry seemingly levitates off the mat, turns, and falls hard onto his back as the Dooze nails him with a spinebuster, and quickly makes a cover!
ONE
TWO
KICKOUT!
Doozer leaves KB on the mat to tag out, but Bobby looks even more hesitant than usual to jump into the action. He reluctantly makes the tag and squeezes himself through the ropes to enter the ring right as King Blueberry makes it to his feet. Both men freeze when their eyes meet.
RAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
Nick Stuart: Oh my… I think many wondered what would happen if and when these two forklift-hijacking frienemies came face to face in the ring, and now we’re about to see!
Richard Patrick: It’s every man for himself when a chocolate fountain isn’t involved.
Neither Blueberry nor Dean looks eager to fight their fellow forklift bro. As the staredown lingers, a chant begins to rise up from the PRIMEates in attendance…
KISS!! KISS!! KISS!! KISS!! KISS!! KISS!!
King Blueberry and Bobby Dean hear the crowd, and somehow look even more anxious than before. They turn their attention back to each other, and both men realize there’s no avoiding what’s to come. Then at the last moment, Bobby’s chickens out and scrambles back to his corner to tag in the Doozer. Dooze gives Bobby his biggest “WTF” face.
Nick Stuart: Nope! It’s too much for Bobby! In any case, King Blueberry finds the opportunity to… makes the tag out to El Hijo del Super Cool Guy.
Richard Parker: Ugh… strap yourself in, Nick, cause this is gonna get weird!
The Doozer gets into the ring and charges, but quickly goes down after taking an assisted dropkick by El Hijo Del Super Cool Guy when King Blueberry launches him over the ropes. Jimmy Turnbuckles, eager to keep control of this match every moment he can, quickly sends KB out to the apron. Dooze recovers, to find himself in the ring with a lifeless mannequin.
The Boston Bruiser shakes his head in slight contempt before he effortlessly kicks El Hijo chest. On the apron, Blueberry reacts with agonized distress. Doozer promptly picks up the mannequin and throws it into the corner. He runs in for a lariat into the turnbuckles, until gravity does its thing and EHDSCG falls over. Dooze eats the turnbuckle.
Nick Stuart: What a… dodge?!
Doozer reels off the impact and inadvertently backpedals over the prone El Hijo, who gets tangled up in his legs. He loses his balance and tumbles to the mat, and somehow, the mannequin ends up on top.
RAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
Turnbull can’t believe he’s making the count.
ONE
TWO
El Hijo FLIES into the air as the Dooze presses him off, but the PRIMEates cheer wildly at the mannequin’s near fall! Dooze plucks EHDSCG off the mat and angrily tosses him into King Blueberry, sending both crashing to the ringside floor.
Richard Parker: I can’t believe that freaking mannequin almost won this thing!
Nick Stuart: That would have been a first, but… hang on, what is King Blueberry doing down there?
Doozer plays up to the jeering crowd, waving a hand in front of his face. Down on the floor, KB subtly switches masks with El Hijo del Super Cool Guy and stealthily rolls back into the ring in his place. Turnbull grabs his head, absolutely stupefied as to how he should call this. Doozer, thinking he’s about to pick up a mannequin, walks right into a small package from “El Hijo”!
ONE
TWO
TH… KICKOUT!
Doozer bursts to his feet and angrily pounces, but gets dumped to the outside when the surprisingly active and mobile “mannequin” surprises him with a back body drop to the outside!. “El Hijo” hurries out to the apron, springboards off the middle rope, and goes airborne with a moonsault that lays out the Dooze to a massive pop from the crowd!
RAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
Nick Stuart: ACAI MOONSAULT to the ringside floor! El Hijo del Super Cool Guy has some absolutely amazing aerial abilities!
Richard Parker: Nick… DO NOT enable these idiots by acknowledging this absurdity.
“El Hijo” rolls the Boston Bruiser back into the ring when he realizes his partner “King Blueberry” is nowhere to be seen. His head darts around the ringside area as he searches for a sign, finally spotting two sets of plastic legs sticking out from the far end of the apron. Shaking his head, he grabs a set of mannequin ankles and pulls his tag partner out from under the ring… along with Charity, wrapped up in his arms.
RAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
“El Hijo” berates his inanimate partner for getting distracted before swapping masks again. King Blueberry, returned to his original nom de plume, slides the mannequin back into the ring before climbing up to the apron and tagging himself in.
Doozer has also found his way back into the ring and goes to the Bandits corner for the tag. Somehow, a super-sized order of fries has materialized in Bobby’s hand. With potato shoestrings still sticking out of the corners of his mouth, he looks slightly surprised when he sees Doozer’s hand extended out to him, as if he had forgotten the match entirely.
Behind the Dooze’s back, King Blueberry takes a bounce off the ropes and puts himself into motion. Bobby raises a hand to wave off the tag, but the Boston Bruiser takes a running dropkick to his back, and their hands slap just before they collide into one another. The audience gasps as Bobby falls hard to the ringside floor!
Nick Stuart: It needed some extra motivation, but Doozer successfully “tags” out to his unwitting partner!
Richard Parker: Then I am going to assume this will end right now to a count out, cause it’s going to take a forklift to get Bobby back in that ring!
Unfortunately for Richard, Jimmy Turnbull’s attention is preoccupied with breaking up the brawl between KB and Doozer. King Blueberry gets tossed into the turnbuckle, and the impact knocks over the mannequin leaning there. El Hijo’s arm slaps Blueberry’s on the way down in plain view of Jimmy Turnbuckles, who makes the signal for a clean tag.
His Majesty doesn’t seem to notice as the Dooze lays into his midsection with a running knee strike, and he fights back with defiant forearms. While the ref struggles and fails to bring things to order, Bobby Dean is somehow back on his feet on the outside, only after a LOT of effort and assistance from the barricade. He aimlessly wanders ringside, until he stumbling across Cynthia, the ace up the Bandits’ sleeve…
Nick Stuart: I think a plot is hatching in Bobby’s head!
Richard Parker: Hatching from a very rotten eGG…
Bobby pulls the porn doll off the floor and goes around the ring to where El Hijo del Super Cool Guy is inexplicably stood up. An innocent smile is spread across his salt-and-butter smeared face as he tries to tempt EHDSCG with the goods, eventually setting the porn doll into his unwitting mannequin’s arms.
The brawl between Doozer and KB continues unchecked until it takes them tumbling through the ropes to the outside. Meanwhile, Bobby seizes the “distracted” El Hijo and drives his plastic mannequin head into the steel post multiple times before sliding him into the ring.
Nick Stuart: Bobby has a chance to make something happen here! I think the mannequin is the legal man!
Richard Parker: Unbelievable… I never thought I’d live to see the day “Beautiful” Bobby Dean pimped out a porn doll to a mannequin.
On the floor, KB and the Dooze slowly work their way to their feet. Bobby just as slowly drags himself under the ropes. Finally back in the ring, he climbs up to the first turnbuckle… scales to the second… lowers himself back to the first after a shake of the head… and begins bouncing in place to work up his momentum.
Doozer is on his feet first, and approaches King Blueberry, but doesn’t see the stun gun hidden in His Majesty’s hand.
BZZT!
King Blueberry: I’M SO SORRY ABOUT THIS!!
Richard Parker: Where did he get that?!
Doozer falls to the floor, convulsing from the shock. KB discards the stun gun and looks back into the ring. Bobby is bouncing with such force, he looks like he might rip the turnbuckles off the post! Then he releases the top rope and comes jumping off…
Nick Stuart: BEAUTIFUL BANZAI DROP!!
WHOOMPF!
All of Bobby’s weight crushes the mannequin’s chest, and the head pops off as though fired out of a cannon.
Richard Parker: INCOMING!
Nick and Richard duck just in the nick of time as El Hijo’s head flies over their heads and disappears in the front row. Back in the ring, Jimmy Turnbuckles stays on task and drops to the mat to make the count on the mannequin crushed beneath Bobby’s girth. KB is too far away to do anything.
ONE
TWO
THREE!
DING DING DING
“Banditstruck” hits the PA as Bobby, still seated upon the mannequin’s chest, pumps up his arms to celebrate his “hard fought” victory. King Blueberry, seconds too late from making the save, forlornly crumbles to his knees in defeat.
Vince Howard: The winners of the match, by pinfall… THE EGG BANDITS!!
Richard Parker: Well… that just happened.
Nick Stuart: In a crazy turn of events, Bobby Dean pulls through for the eGG Bandits here tonight, picking up the pinfall over an opponent that, obviously, could do little to resist him.
Richard Parker: First thing tomorrow, I’m going to Melvin’s office and demanding we get some protective plexiglass barriers around the table. I’ll be damned if I risk my life and limb over these clowns.
Nick Stuart: By the same token, this an unfortunate shortcoming for King Blueberry, who could not find a way to carry the weight of his tag partner, so to speak. Hopefully this doesn’t create a rift between him and Bobby.
Richard Parker: (sarcastically) Oh MY, Nick… what ever will we do?
Bobby suddenly remembers Doozer and goes to check on his friend and tag partner – albeit stopping short of putting in any effort to leave the ring. Meanwhile, King Blueberry fetches El Hijo del Super Cool Guy’s head from the crowd after dragging the crushed remains of his tag partner from the ring.