THE EGG BANDITS vs. SOLID GOLD ROCK ‘N ROLL

Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit.

Nick Stuart: Well, the second half of Great American Nightmare is already off to a rousing start, and now we’ve got some tag team action. The eGG Bandits hope to recoup some momentum as they take on Solid Gold Rock ‘n Roll up next.

Richard Parker: I’d say the Bandits should probably wear protection during this match, but I’m not so sure Bobby Dean doesn’t have all the same STDs that Boots and Boogie have either.

Nick Stuart: Gross, Richard, gross. Anyway, let’s get our first team out here!

The arena lights dim as the sounds of “Banditstruck” fill the air. The crowd begins to cheer as Bobby Dean emerges from the top of the stage under the PRIMEview. Doozer enters behind him, but he’s a little harder to see, not because he’s behind the Beautiful Man from Honalee, but because he’s Doozer.

Richard Parker: Honestly, I’m shocked Bobby Dean is showing restraint by not having a bundt cake in hand for this match. He’s really taking the grandeur of the supershow stage seriously, unlike his scoundrel leader, Canc…

Just then, Bobby pulls out a whole rotisserie chicken from the back of his tights and starts eating it while holding the drumstick as he’s lurching down the aisle.

Richard Parker: Remind me never to compliment the Bandits again, Nick.

Nick Stuart: Duly noted, Richard.

The Bandits make their way to the ring despite their slow gait from Bobby’s eating and Doozer jawing with the fans along the entryway. They take their place in the middle of the ring and wait for their opponents as Bobby picks the bones off his chicken clean.

The lights in the arena go completely dark as a laser light show strobes around the arena. The PRIMEview comes to life with all the members of the Solid Gold Rock ‘n Roll band dressed in form-hugging, full body unitards. Trent Sadikaj and Barry Delgado stand front and center with the other four members of the band flanking them.

Nick Stuart: I have word that we’re getting a world premiere for the band’s new music video, “Cyberlover!”

Richard Parker: You know I’m a connoisseur of fine music, Nick, so when I say this was my favorite track off their latest EP, Neon City Samurai, I’m not, as the kids say, capping.

Nick Stuart: I’d ask where you picked that terminology up, but I think I want to know when you changed into that spiked choker and that leather daddy captain’s hat a little more.

Richard Parker: You can never be too prepared to be in the moment when Solid Gold Rock ‘n Roll is around.

The music video, with its dark and misty trappings punctuated by laser lights and Long Don’s sick riffs, plays in full on the PRIMEview. Younger women faint at the raw sexual fury of Boogie Barry’s sensuous bass playing. Older women have to fan themselves at the rhythmic gyrating of Electric Boots’ pelvis and his soul-shrieking heavy metal falsetto. Iron Sam works the skins with all the grace and fury of a drummer of her stature. The crowd is into it. The song finishes up and two spotlights shine on the top of the stage. From an elevator down below rise the duo of “Electric Boots” Trent Sadikaj and “Boogie” Barry Delgado.

Nick Stuart: And here they are, in the flesh… when the hell did you change out of your suit and into that?

Richard Parker: (dressed like 1970s Rob Halford) ROCK AND ROLL WILL NEVER DIE.

The bounding riffs of Mastodon’s “The Motherload” fill the arena as the team of Solid Gold Rock ‘n Roll saunter to the ring, and the reaction from the fans for the first time since coming to PRIME is overwhelmingly positive. Boots stops to sign one fan’s chest, while women throw their underwear at Boogie as they strut towards the squared circle. They finally make it to the ring and stand across from the Bandits. Jimmy Turnbull has to get in between them so Vince Howard can make his intros.

Vince Howard: This match is schedule for ONE fall. Introducing first, to my left, representing the eGG Bandits…

Crowd cheers loudly.

Vince Howard: …at a total combined weight of 642 pounds, the Man from Honalee, BOBBYYYYYYY DEEEEEEEEAN and the Boston Bruiser DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZERRRRRRR!

Doozer mouths some unflattering things about various fans in the row and their mothers as they boo him and Beautiful Bobby, who is just finishing up the palate cleanser from his rotisserie chicken, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.

Vince Howard: And their opponents, to my right, at a total combined weight of 471 pounds, Electric Boots Trent Sadikaj, Boogie Barry Delgado, they are SOLID GOLD ROCK N ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

The crowd continues cheering.

Vince Howard: Your referee for the match is Jimmy Turnbull.

DING DING DING

As soon as the bell rings, Bobby Dean throws the chicken bones from his snack in the faces of both members of Solid Gold Rock ‘n Roll as Doozer follows through with some punches, kicks, and finally stomps.

Richard Parker: You can’t do this to rock icons! Cancer Jiles must pay for his corruptive influence!

Nick Stuart: For once you and I agree on something, Richard. 

Turnbull admonishes Dean and is able to get only Boots and Doozer in the ring. Doozer pulls the band’s frontman to his feet, lays in a couple of jabs, and then bounces off the ropes, hitting him with a shoulder block. He turns to the crowd, but Sadikaj isn’t fazed enough from the knockdown for that to be a wise move.

Nick Stuart: Boots up to his feet, and he’s ROCKING Doozer with big punches!

Richard Parker: I haven’t seen this much energy from Trent since I saw him at their show for the Force Cycle Mega Tour in Albuquerque!

Boots lands a huge shotei to the chest of Doozer. Although the Old Bull is rattled, the blow sends him straight into his own corner, where Bobby Dean tags himself in. Boots sees this, nods, and tags in his studly bassist, Boogie Delgado. 

Richard Parker: Real beefy boy hours!

Nick Stuart: Boogie Barry might be giving up over 100 pounds to the Beautiful Man from Honalee, but he’s got DECEPTIVE bassist strength going for him.

Boogie and Bobby meet in the middle of the ring, getting up close and personal with each other. Boogie keeps talking his crap to the Beautiful One, but Bobby just shakes his head and dares Delgado to do something about it. Boogie Barry slaps Dean across the face, and then grabs him, left arm between his massive thighs and right arm over the shoulder.

Nick Stuart: Ooh, we know Boogie planned on taking the Beautiful One off his feet, but I think it might be too early.

Richard Parker: I know he can do it. Bobby’s mostly empty pounds anyway, I mean how heavy can residual bundt cake crumbs and Big Mac wrappers be?

Nick Stuart: Richard, 400 pounds of Big Mac wrappers weigh the same as 400 pounds of steel.

Richard Parker: IN WHAT UNIVERSE?

As Boogie walks away holding his back, Bobby follows through, nailing Boogie with ONE Mongolian chop… then a second… then a third.

Nick Stuart: Boogie is reeling! Bobby looks to capitalize going off the ropes and… what?

Richard Parker: He’s winded? From running the ropes? This is a new low.

Doozer is flabbergasted on the apron as Bobby loses all steam after bouncing off the far ropes. He doubles over, and Boogie takes the opportunity to come in, hitting the Beautiful One with a DDT before tagging in Electric Boots.

Nick Stuart: And here comes Trent Sadikaj to work over Bobby Dean.

Richard Parker: He’s a triple threat bandleader, Nick. Plays guitar like James Hetfield, sings like Bruce Dickinson, and has a right hook like Axl Rose. 

Boots lays the eponymous footwear into Bobby before the big man can rise to his feet. As he gets up, Trent tries to put him down with an arm drag. However, the big Bandit will not budge. Instead, he shoves Trent to the ground and tags in Doozer. Trent staggers to his feet, but Doozer puts him back down with a fireman’s carry. He bounces off the ropes and goes for a leg drop, but…

Nick Stuart: No water in the pool! Trent is up, so is Doozer and BIG palm strike! Doozer goes flying!

Trent waits for Doozer to get to his feet before planting him again with the Headbanger’s Ball tornado DDT. Boots heads over to the corner to tag in Boogie, and they plant Doozer in the mat with a double team suplex.

Nick Stuart: Bandits can’t get out of the blocks, it seems.

Richard Parker: Maybe they should spend more time on themselves and less on serving Jiles? Just a thought.

Nick Stuart: You have AMAZING clarity when it comes to Jiles, and WHEN DID YOU HAVE THE TIME TO PUT ON THE EYELINER?

Richard Parker: A true rocker never divulges his secrets.

Boogie goes to pick up Doozer, but Doozer rakes the eyes and scurries over to the corner to tag in Bobby. The Beautiful One moseys over, but Barry has recovered enough to land a kick in his massive gut.

Nick Stuart: Could we see the powerslam here?

Barry lifts Bobby off his feet for a moment before dropping him back and holding his back. Bobby lays in a punch for good measure.

Richard Parker: He’s so close, Nick. So close!

Bobby closes in for a move, but Barry collects his wits and with lightning quick precision rocks the big man’s jaw with a stiff right cross.

Nick Stuart: Dean is reeling! Could we see it here?

Boogie roars for the crowd, who returns in kind, and moves in, grabbing Dean…

SLAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!

The ring shakes and the crowd ERUPTS!

Nick Stuart: HE FINALLY DID IT! HE SLAMMED THE BIG MAN!

Richard Parker: What a night! They’ll be talking about this for years to come!

Bobby rolls over to the corner and Doozer tags himself in, but he can’t overcome the momentum, running into a big boot from the band’s bassist. Boogie walks backwards into the corner and tags in boots. He then lifts Doozer on his shoulders, with Trent raising his arms to the crowd on the top rope. He jumps with the Doomsday Device…

Nick Stuart: BAD REPUTATION!!

…and then makes the cover…

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Vince Howard: Your winners, SOLID GOLD ROCK ‘N ROLL!!!!

Turnbull raises both Boots’ and Boogie’s arms as the crowd roars in unison.

Nick Stuart: What a match, Rich… Wait, when did you change back into your regular suit?

Richard Parker: Through Hoyt, all things are possible, Nick. You should know this by now.

Nick Stuart: Ah well. Big night for the Solid Gold Rock ‘n Roll boys. Music video debut, big tag win, I’m sure either the Blue Live Crew or Fighting for Nora will have a stiff challenge from them down the line. We have a lot more great action tonight on ACE Streaming Plus, but first, I hear we’ve got some words from Phil Atken backstage.

Richard Parker: Phil Atken is a THREAT!

Cut away…