THE MASK OF MALAISE (THAT’S A DESSERT, RIGHT?)
The opening riffs of “The Immigrant Song” by Karen O with Trent Reznor begins and the masked man emerges from the curtain as the lights dim and the spotlights shine on the ramp. Mortimer Kjedelig begins making his way down the ramp, pointing to the fans in attendance. As he walks by, he pays no attention to the fans, he’s there to a job and his gait shows it. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope, steps up to the middle turnbuckle and raises his hands in the air as the spotlight shines upon him. Mortimer hops off the turnbuckle and takes a microphone, then stands in the middle of the ring, looking out at the audience as the music fades.
Mortimer Kjedelig: …
Mortimer Kjedelig stands in the middle of the ring, his mouth is open, but no words come out. He stands there frozen as if he had never addressed a crowd this size before (because he hadn’t). The crowd is silent.
Mortimer Kjedelig: I…uh….
Mortimer Kjedelig turns his head and clears his throat. He shuts his eyes and begins mumbling to himself, what he is saying cannot be heard but one could assume a string of obscenities would be involved. Mortimer Kjedelig takes a deep breath. He brings up the microphone once again, his hand trembling, he looks down at the mat and begins.
Mortimer Kjedelig: I’m gonna keep this, uh, thing, uh short. There is someone who abuses their power here in PRIME to push their own nebulous agenda. That person is Anna Daniels. She has repeatedly interfered in my matches and, in some fashion, caused me to lose by usin’ her time travellin’ capabilities. It is also my belief that it is because of her that, what’s-her-face, Cecily Ryan was given the boot.
The crowd let their opinion known that they are not on board with this theory. Mortimer Kjedelig slowly lifts his head and looks out at the audience.
Mortimer Kjedelig: Yes, I believe that Anna Daniels is the one on steroids, she was found out so she used her time travel superpowers to swap the samples. And that makes Anna Daniels no better than a degenerate fuckin’ junkie.
The crowd’s disapproval becomes more apparent and his commitment becomes increasingly more confident.
Mortimer Kjedelig: Prove me wrong! Until two weeks ago, there was no evidence of steroid abuse from Cecily Ryan! Whereas, it is a fuckin’ fact that Anna Daniels uses her powers for her own selfish reasons….while people like me….people like me have to live in constant fear that the next time I open the door that it won’t be the pizza delivery guy, it’ll be a bullet. People like me, who, in the insurance industry, has had to hunt down certain people who were late with their payments, and may or may not have had to make a convincin’ argument as to why it is in their best interests to their and their family’s health, to make good on said payments. People like me who was in the wrong place at the wrong time which, in turn, prevented him from bein’ in the right place at the right time with the right person which would have changed everythin’.
Mortimer Kjedelig seems to ignore the crowd and gets lost in his own words as he continues.
Mortimer Kjedelig: Tonight, I will defeat Balaam and I will remove the mask from atop his face and then I will hunt down Anna Daniels, put the mask on her and order her to go back in time to stop me from makin’ that stupid, fuckin’ decision. And I know Anna is gonna do her best to circumcise my victory this evenin’, but I have taken precautions from allowin’ that to happen. My mask has been doused with holy water, I have a clove of garlic in one pocket and a rabbit’s foot in the other, and my boots have been spiritually cleansed with incenses filled with herbs and spices and shit. So, Anna, I practically dare you to try your time travel shit this time. The mask is mine. And as far as your best friend Ria? Well, she gets in my way tonight, when I’m through, let’s just say that watchin’ someone get mauled by a lion that immediately threw up afterwards and then purported to consume said throw up, allegedly, won’t be the most disturbin’ act of violence I’ve ever, allegedly, witnessed, hypotherimically speakin’.
With the crowd firmly against him (clearly Anna Daniels’s doing), Mortimer goes to say something else but nothing comes to him. He drops his microphone and prepares for his opponents.