THE PRICE OF GREATNESS IS REZPONSIBILITY
Coming back from commercial, we fade in on the commentary table. Nick is animated as he addresses the camera while Richard is expectedly checked out and watching funny animal videos on his phone.
Nick Stuart: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! It’s been an action-packed night thus far, and we still have the hotly anticipated main event to look forward to! But first, we’re going to get an exclusive word from one of the many new champions crowned at Great American Nightmare! Let’s hand it over now to our own junior reporter Simon Tillier, standing by in the ring!
Junior reporter Simon Tillier is standing alone in the ring with a microphone in hand. He may be there on business, but the apprehensive look on his face would suggest he’d rather be anywhere else.
Simon Tillier: Uhh, g-good evening everyone?
He gets an earnest crowd pop from the PRIME Faithful, much to his surprise. He’s clearly nervous being out in front of such a large audience instead of the quiet intimacy of the hallways backstage. Nevertheless, Simon gulps down his anxiety and pushes on like a true, dedicated professional.
Simon Tillier: L-ladies and gentlemen, please welcome now to the ring, fresh off his victory at Great American Nightmare…
Instead of the music we’re expecting, “Born For Greatness” by Papa Roach begins to blast over the sound system, causing a WILD uproar from the live crowd as GREAT SCOTT makes his way out onto the stage. He throws his arms eagerly into the air, hyped to be here tonight as he makes his way quickly down the ramp, a microphone in one hand and a very vibey GREAT BEAR on his flank.
GREAT SCOTT leaps up onto the ring apron, ducking through the ropes and into the ring, while his companion does what he does best— hangs out at ringside, vibing to low-fi tunes on his Beats by Dreadle headphones. He is now wearing a yarmulka. You’re welcome.
GREAT SCOTT: HELLO EVERYONE I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GREAT SHOW SO FAR AND THANK YOU SIMON FOR INTRODUCING ME YOU DID A GREAT JOB.
The reaction is deafening. Like, surprisingly deafening. The entire crowd is doing the GREAT SCOTT, which is a very technical and intricate dance that will probably be added to Fortnite soon.
GREAT SCOTT: I HAVE DREAMED OF THIS NIGHT EVER SINCE I WAS JUST A GOOD SCOTT AND VERY YOUNG BUT FINALLY IT IS HERE. TONIGHT IS THE LAST NIGHT I WILL EVER NOT BE THE STAR OF DAVID CHAMPION.
Another MEGA SUPER OVER POP from the fans in attendance, who cannot stop vibing to the GREAT SCOTT and losing their goddamned minds. This promo would be six stars if it was in the Tokyo Dome. It is going very well.
GREAT SCOTT: REZIN NEXT WEEK YOU AND I ARE GOING TO FIGHT FOR THE TITLE AND I AM GOING TO HIT THE SCOTTACANRANA AND THEN I WILL PIN YOU. AND THEN EVERYONE WILL CHEER AND DO THE GREAT SCOTT AND I WILL FIND LOVE AND PRIMETIME WRESTLING WILL PAY ME ENOUGH MONEY TO NOT HAVE TO TAKE A BIKE TO WORK I CAN FINALLY TAKE UBERS. IN FACT, I HAVE A NEW CATCHPHRASE FOR THIS OCCASION AND HERE IT IS HERE IS MY NEW CATCHPHRASE IT IS—
The GREATness in the ring suddenly grinds to a halt when a raspy voice bleats in over the PA.
“What the hhhHHHEEELLLLLL is THIS?!”
Attention shifts to the rampway, where all can see “The Escape Artist” Rezin angrily marching his way down the ring. The crowd, naturally, begins jeering.
Nick Stuart: Uh oh… here comes trouble!
The Five Star Title dangles at the Goat Bastard’s side, held in his left hand. His right grips the stick held up to his snarling mouth.
Rezin: Seriously, WHAT! THE! HELL?! This was supposed to be MY INTERVIEW, DAMBIT! I had an epic VICTORY SPEECH planned and EVERYTHING!
He makes for the steps as soon as he reaches the bottom of the ramp, but suddenly backs off when he sees GREAT BEAR vibing there at ringside. His face implicitly says he wants none of that.
Richard Parker: Smart move there. I wouldn’t want to interrupt those vibes…
He makes his way around the side of the ring, ignoring the fans at the barricade that relentlessly heckle him. His glare remains fixated on the bodies standing in the ring.
Rezin: I tell ya, I can’t put my finger on what the problem is with this company! In that ring, ya got the best professional wrestling talent from the world over putting on some of the best matches you entitled PARASITES have ever seen in your miserable lives… but OUTSIDE that ring? A COMPLETE and UTTER CIRCUS!
BOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: If you ask me, if anybody’s being a clown here, it’s him!
Richard Parker: Are you sure about that, Nick? The other guy is a bear handler…
Rezin scales the steps at the far corner to stand on the apron. He points accusingly to somebody standing in the ring, teeth bared and eyes looking downright murderous…
Rezin: And ya wanna paint ME out to be the big screw-up around here!? HAH! Where do I even BEGIN with this place?! The zebras that CAN’T MAKE A PROPER COUNT…
Rezin steps through the ropes and strides through the ring. GREAT SCOTT is standing his ground as the fuming Five Star Champion makes his approach…
Rezin: The tech nerds that CAN’T TIME THEIR PYROS…
…Rezin walks right past SCOTT, and leers over the cringing Simon.
Rezin: …and FRIGGIN’ INCOMPETENT REPORTERS that CAN’T HANDLE SOMETHING as BASIC and SIMPLE AS A ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW!
Simon Tillier: …wait, you think this is MY fault?! But I didn’t have anything to do with–
He slings the belt over his shoulder so that his hand may be free to grab the junior reporter by the collar of his PRIME blue blazer and savagely shake the bejesus out of him.
Rezin: SHUDDAP! Your phony excuses ain’t gonna work on ME, ya WORM! I KNOW YOU’RE behind this! ONLY YOU could BUNGLE this in the way that you BUNGLE EVERYTHING you touch! ADMIT IT, SIMPLE SIMON! You’ve HAD IT IN FOR ME since the BEGINNING, HAVEN’T YA?! And THIS is your way of GETTIN’ YOUR REVENGE ON ME, AIN’T IT?!
Tillier whimpers and pleadingly shakes his head. Unable to look at his face any longer, Rezin yanks him to the side and turns his attention to the crowd, holding the Five Star Championship high over his head while ranting and raving to anyone in earshot.
Rezin: If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this place was pullin’ YET ANOTHER CONSPIRACY against ME! Because if there’s ONE THING you normie SCUM absolutely CANNOT STAND to SEE, it’s a low-down WRETCH like ME SUCCEEDING in your SNOOTY IVORY TOWER ELYSIUM!
Rezin’s wild eyes find the camera posted at the turnbuckle, and he assaults the viewers at home with his terrifyingly maniacal face.
Rezin: WELL I AIN’T STANDIN’ FOR IT! LOVE ME or HATE ME, PRIME, I will FOREVER ESCAPE your meager attempts at SABOTAGE! I TOOK THIS TITLE off your HERO as an act of DEFIANCE… and I’LL KEEP FIGHTIN’ TOOTH AND NAIL to KEEP IT, just to SPITE YOU ALL!
BOOOOOOOOO!
But GREAT SCOTT isn’t having any of this.
GREAT SCOTT: SIR NO DISRESPECT BUT I NEED YOU TO PLEASE SHUT YOUR HECKING MOUTH PLEASE.
Rezin, his wide eyes still fixated on the camera, blinks once as his weed-addled brain attempts its best to process the words that somehow reached his ears.
GREAT SCOTT: MISTER REZIN I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE TALKING TO THESE FANS FRIEND AND I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY YOU TALKED TO SIMON AFTER HIS GREAT INTRODUCTION AND I AM STARTING TO THINK YOU ARE MAYBE NOT A GREAT GUY. IN FACT I THINK YOU ARE MAYBE…
Rezin ever so sloooooowwwlllyyy turns around, redirecting his death-stare around to the World’s Greatest SCOTT, as the fans buzz…
GREAT SCOTT: …A BAD GUY.
The crowd goes absolutely batshit, as this match instantly has the most heat in the whole company and should definitely be the main event of Revival 12. Cell phone towers begin to lock up and fail as the people in attendance desperately go online to buy the tickets that remain for the show.
Rezin… is livid.
Nick Stuart: Here we go…
Richard Parker: I can BEARly contain myself.
Nick Stuart: Please don’t.
Rezin takes a step toward GREAT SCOTT, no regard for human life or the fact that a live bear is standing outside the ring on standby to literally tear his arms off. He begins yelling into the face of THE GREAT ONE, shoving him backward, but SCOTT shoves him back and starts yelling too! The crowd is even louder now, literally shaking the foundations of the arena and getting seven whole stars in the Tokyo Dome this time.
GREAT SCOTT: REZIN I WILL FUC—
SPLAT
Without warning, a wad of disgusting black slime suddenly covers the face of GREAT SCOTT when Rezin SPITS in his eye before he can swear on television!
BOOOOOOOOO!
The boos are off the charts. Somewhere in Nevada, an old mining town is experiencing a bass induced earthquake. Negative seventy stars in the Tokyo Dome. Blinded, SCOTT staggers around in shock and agony, until the Goat Bastard takes him out with a spinning Cloven Hoof Kick!
Nick Stuart: Oh come on! That’s hardly “Five Star” behavior! What a cheap shot!
Richard Parker: Hey, maybe it’s Star of David behavior.
Nick Stuart: Careful.
Richard Parker: Oh yikes. Yeah we’re gonna have to tread carefully on that.
Immediately, GREAT BEAR awkwardly scrambles into the ring to make the save, but Rezin is quick to drop to his back, rolling off the ramp side of the ring. He quickly backs his way up the ramp, smirking down at GREAT SCOTT and reveling in the fact that he’s finally shut him up.
GREAT BEAR checks on SCOTT in the ring— he’s sufficiently downed, since this is violence that occurred outside of a wrestling match and is thus four times more devastating.
Nick Stuart: Next week, these two face off in a REAL match, for the Star of— FIVE STAR Championship. And only one thing is for certain, folks.
Richard Parker: This one is going to be a WAR.