THE TROY “FAMILY” REUNION
Okay, let’s paint us a word picture.
We’re backstage, because that’s where people spend their time when wrestling isn’t happening. Hell, even when wrestling is happening, it’s still where the majority of the roster is going to congregate. It’s also where these assholes are hanging out, because god knows they’re not on the roster. Hell, we’re still not entirely sure why they keep showing up or who lets them in the building. Their names?
Lance.
Ian.
Nevin.
Devin.
Zephram.
Taylor.
They are the Troy Boys. Now do yourself a favor and take the first letter of those names, then ask yourself what it spells. Congratulations, now you’re in on the joke!
This gaggle of blithering idiots moves in slow orbit around the only genuine Troy in the shot. There’s some big “monkeys find the monolith” energy happening here. It’s like if six kids wandered away from a school field trip and started asking every adult at the museum if they were their teacher. Sure, someone may eventually be along to collect them and make sure everyone gets back on the bus, but not before the dinosaur exhibit gets all sticky.
Zephram extends his hand as trembling fingers contemplate whether Kaz Troy is something he can Koji Clutch, but his paw is swatted away by Nevin.
Nevin “Troy”: I am always stunned by your train of logic, the conductor of which is a twelve-year-old.
Zephram “Troy”: Don’t patronize me, Daddy Woof-Woof. It’s an art you haven’t mastered.
If none of this is making any sense to you, well, there’s a reason for that. See, the Troy Boys only speak using quotes from Lindsay Troy’s bio page on prime-dot-e-hyphen-wrestling-dot-org, and they only say the lines that aren’t problematic with a decade of hindsight. It’s very “Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.”
Unless one of those quotes mentions Wade Elliott by name. In that case, they use the special name for the Bad Dog, “Daddy Woof-Woof.”
Also, hi, this is the brain trust behind these idiots. If I go missing over the next few days, please don’t look for me. I assume I am dead from blunt force trauma and left to rot in the ditch behind my apartment. Tell my daughter that I love her.
Nevin “Troy”: Come to think of it, Caes, you could always get a ride back in Gamble’s clown car. Maybe he’ll even let you honk his horn.
The rest of the Boys all stare at Nevin for a moment, because they’re not smart enough to figure out whether that one’s problematic or not. Zephram uses the distraction to try and poke at Kaz, but this time it’s Lance who intervenes.
Lance “Troy”: It’s… EDGY!
Zephram’s pout might be considered sad if he wasn’t so damn pretty. If you listen real close, you can almost hear him mumble the words “Koji Clutch” even though it breaks with the gag that I literally just setup about these fools.
Kaz Troy: Uhh…guys?
For the first time the actual, real Troy Boy chimes in. He’s in his ring gear and a “LET” hoodie, and a pair of headphones rest around his neck.
Kaz Troy: This is all a nice welcome and all, I think? But I kinda just want to warm up for my match in peace, if it’s cool with you.
Ian’s smile is positively radiant as he steps towards Kaz.
Ian “Troy”: Even Stella got her groove back. In time, the law of averages says you will, too.
He nods enthusiastically, because he’s an idiot. Kaz nods once, slowly.
Kaz Troy: That’s…great? Anyway, can I get by?
He tries to slip around the Troy Boys, but they move with him and keep him contained. Backpedaling does nothing either. The Heir Apparent sighs and scratches the back of his head.
Kaz Troy: Guess you all are coming with me then.
Devin “Troy”: Ten points to Gryffindor for figuring THAT out.
See? They’re obsessed.
The only real Troy in this segment continues his journey along the corridor while a “human donut” of fake Troys follows his every move.
We now cut to another Troy.