THEY CALL HIM MORTY MYLANTA
“Revival” returns from commercial break at ringside. Tony Gamble (along with his two cronies, Cruz and Pastore) remained in the ring after his match with Mike McGee, because “You’re Nobody ‘Til Somebody Loves You” started to play before they exited the ring. The sound of Dean Martin’s mesmerizing voice is amplified throughout the Toyota Center, as Mortimer Knightingale climbs between the rules to join his fellow “Gamble Adoration Syndicate” members, microphone in hand. Mortimer has dressed up for this moment, donning a charcoal gray pinstripe suit and a black dress shirt, the top button undone since he does not own a tie, because the one tie he did own was taken from him two weeks prior. The music fades and Mortimer Knightingale begins to speak.
Mortimer Knightingale: Ladies and gentlemen, I have come to declare today “Tony Gamble Adoration Day”! To kick things off, Tony Gamble began the evenin’ with Mike McGee and we all saw how that transgressed. But more important than the outcome of that match, I am comin’ out here to proclaim how much I adore Tony Gamble and why you should too.
The crowd does not agree with Mortimer as they promptly show their disdain for the Grin with an eruption of boos, as Mortimer reaches into the inside pocket of his suit and retrieves several pages of folded up paper.
Mortimer Knightingale: What? Everything you should feel for Tony Gamble should line up perpendicularly to my own, as outlined in this script typed up by our focus of admiration himself, Tony Gamble.
Mortimer points to the Grin with the folded up papers.
Mortimer Knightingale: Personally, in order for me to adequately portray, as dictated in this script, how much I adore Tony Gamble, I would need more talent than Meryl Streep and Al Pacino circa late seventies to early eighties for it to be believable. Because, all of you ain’t stupid. You’d see right through that fackaid. We ALL know Tony Gamble is a shitty piece of shit person.
The crowd cheers Mortimer Knightingale’s candidness towards his “G.A.S.” capo. Tony Gamble, however, does not show that same enthusiasm. That damn grin remains on his face, regardless.
Mortimer Knightingale: How can I show appreciation towards a snaky prick like this? My first interaction with him sent me to the hospital. You would think that even after he forced me ta join this bullshit group, he would show some sign that, maybe, just maybe he gave a shit about me. He didn’t. He doesn’t. Where was he when that Russian fuckstick threw me through a fuckin’ wall, concussin’ the crap outta me? Tell you where he wasn’t? Givin’ a shit.
Mortimer Knightingale glances over towards Tony Gamble who is not hiding his utter disgust for Mortimer.
Mortimer Knightingale: Speakin’ of givin’ shit, I got this prick a beautiful set of bath balls for Christmas. They were on sale, a three-for-kinda thing. Lavender-Vanilla. Probably never ev’n opened them. Hell, cheap fuck probably regifted them. Funnily enough, and maybe or maybe not, in all irony, Lindsay Troy passed me in the hall last week and, uhhhhhh, I caught a whiff of Lavender and Vanilla. Not that I go outta my way smellin’ Lindsay Troy in any capacity. It was a complete and total incidental nasal event. Anyway, you know what he, this cheap fuck, got me for Christmas? Jack Fuckin’ Shit.
Mortimer Knightingale turns his attention towards Tony Gamble.
Mortimer Knightingale: But someone did give me a present. Someone very special gave me a very nice present. A thoughtful present. A tie. It was nice. You see where I’m goin’ with this? Tony, Lord Shitty-Shitty-Fuckpants here, wants adoration and appreciation but shows neither to those he wants it from. A young lady who is beautiful and sweet and kind and quirky and beautiful that I met what, maybe six weeks ago, she goes out of her way to give me somethin’. So Tony, I’m done….
The crowd starts stirring with approval.
Mortimer Knightingale: That little file you got? You and me both know that you ain’t sayin’ shit to anyone because you and me both know there’s a certain group of businessmen that would allegedly rather not have certain transgressions made public and if they were, they would allegedly know who it was that Henry Hilled them and that person would allegedly not make it to their next match. You ain’t doin’ nothin’, Short Pants. What I did in the past does not dictate who I am today. So, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go back there…..
Mortimer Knightingale points towards the entrance curtain to the ring.
Mortimer Knightingale: ….I’m gonna find her and I’m gonna lay it all out there. I guess what I’m tryin’ to say is, there’s only person I adore, and I’m gonna let her know how much while you, well, you can just choke on a bag of dildos.
Domingo and Frank step toward Mortimer, who doesn’t back down an inch. Before they move any closer, however, Tony places a hand on each of their shoulders and parts the members of No Laughing Matter like the Red Sea as he approaches Mortimer with the damn Grin forever present. Mortimer gets in a stance, ready for anything when Tony merely reaches out for the microphone in Knightingale’s hand. Mortimer, in yet another act of defiance, opts not to hand Tony the microphone, but instead, he drops it onto the mat. Tony stares at Mortimer, not happy nor intimidated. Tony signals for Frank Pastore to pick up the mic and hand it to him, which he does.
Tony Gamble: Well color me impressed, Morty. I was thinking that this little fling with Kimono was going to make you soft, but you just proved me wrong.
Tony tucks the microphone in the nook between his arm and chest, and starts to clap. Frank and Domingo join him in giving Mortimer a standing ovation.
Tony Gamble: This is exactly who I needed you to become Morty, because the sad sap shuffling his feet down the backstage corridors as he felt sorry for himself was becoming a laughing stock. Now I’m sorry I was being hard on you, making you go through all of the things you listed all alone. But I did that for you. I can show you the way to beat Darin Zion. I can show you the way to the Alias Championship.
The boos from the crowd nearly drown out Tony’s voice, and he has a microphone in his hand.
Tony Gamble: You needed a little bit of tough love, not some cheap dollar store tie, so that’s what I gave you. You think you have something special going on with this girl, but you’re eventually gonna screw it up. It’s what you do, Morty. You’re a two bit loser acting like the deuces he drops smell like sakura’s, but she’s going to see through your act. Your little act may be getting over on everybody else, but if she squints a little harder Kimono’s gonna see…
The crowd erupts in cheers as Mortimer Knightingale clocks Tony Gamble in the jaw. The Permascar Superstar staggers a bit before dropping to a knee. Mortimer Knightingale clutches the Grin’s hair and begins wailing on him with his free hand. The crowd begins chanting Morty’s name as Frank Pastore and Domingo Cruz pounce and begin pulling Mortimer off of their G.A.S. capo. Mortimer elbows Cruz in the face and then shoves Pastore to the ground. Mortimer spins wildly until he hears the crowd….
MOR-TY! MOR-TY! MORT-TY!
For a moment he basks in their adulation before turning to find Pastore and Cruz checking on the Grin who is lying in the middle of the ring. Mortimer decides to leave Gamble with his henchmen and turns towards the back, smiling before exiting the ring and, with a spring in his step, heads to the back to see……her.