THEY WILL LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH
We return from commercial to the backstage area where Simon Tillier is standing by, and he is happy as happy can be!
Because for once in his life, he gets to interview someone who is otherwise a completely normal human being and isn’t a Dopesmoker here to warn us about the coming alien invasion, a sentient powerbomb in the shape of a man, a vaunted member of Vae Victis, or Joe Fontaine.
Because standing with him is Coral Avalon.
Simon Tillier: Ladies and gentlemen, with me at this time… Coral Avalon.
There is a strong reaction in the crowd for the Crownless King of the eGG Bandits. Most of it remains positive, especially since Jiles is conspicuous by his absence. Even Bobby Dean is nowhere to be seen.
Avalon stands with his hands on his hips in his full ring gear.
Coral Avalon: Hey.
Simon smiles and turns towards Avalon with the first question on his mind.
Simon Tillier: Mr. Avalon, tonight you’re going up against Cecilworth Farthington, who defeated you at Tropical Turmoil for the 5-Star Championship this past June. Any plans going into this vital rematch?
Coral Avalon: There’s too much on the line tonight to openly discuss strategy with you, Simon. Unfortunately. So all I’m going to say is that this one isn’t going to go like it did in San Diego. It’ll be me moving on to the finals.
Simon Tillier: I can’t help but notice that Cancer Jiles isn’t here tonight. Will he not be in your corner for your match?
Coral Avalon: Yeah, I don’t know where Jiles is. I hadn’t seen him since that night in Nashville. Bobby said something about a “gallows” but refused to elaborate, so he’s probably fine.
Simon Tillier: I wouldn’t… associate “gallows” with “fine”.
Coral Avalon: It’s Jiles, though. He’ll be back.
Simon Tillier: Fair point. Where is Bobby, anyway?
Coral Avalon: Oh, he’s over there.
Coral gestured off-screen, behind him. The camera pans sharply to the left to find that Bobby Dean is gorging himself on whatever catering he could get his grubby hands on, and paying little attention to what Avalon is doing. This is despite the fact that Cancer Jiles would definitely not have approved of Avalon being interviewed by Simon Tillier of all people.
Coral Avalon: Just let him be.
The camera pans back to Coral and Simon and Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips, as we get the interview back on tr—oh, wait a second.
Joe Fontaine is dressed very questionably, like a lizard version of the VENDBERGE itself. There’s bags of Bret’s hanging off of his body behind a glass screen, for God’s sakes. Sid is in his full Komodo Powerbombing Lizard glory. Avalon turns his head to see them, but barely reacts at all. If he has any sort of reaction, it’s because he knows how stupid this could get.
Joe Fontaine: Hey HEY hey!
Sid doesn’t say anything. Judging from the look on his face, it’s clear that he doesn’t want to be here and that Joe has insisted.
Simon’s expression goes from professional to despairing so rapidly that it’s some kind of record.
Coral raises an eyebrow. He opens his mouth to say something, but Fontaine keeps going.
Joe Fontaine: It’s all gonna end exactly like it did the last time! You’re going to sleep the sleep of the choked unconscious! Cecilworth is like a walking gallows! He’s so good at strangling that he doesn’t even need the strangling gloves! You gonna get choked! You gonna get asphyxiated! You gonna get suffocated! You gonna get exsanguinated, which isn’t even a choking thing, but you know where I’m going with this!
He’s pointing his finger at Avalon, who is nonplussed about the whole thing.
Coral Avalon: You know, I—
Fontaine interrupts him.
Joe Fontaine: And when you get choked unconscious until you die, you’ll be dead and I will laugh and laugh and laugh and then I’ll visit your grave and laugh and laugh and laugh!
Sid Phillips: Choking someone to death is a crime, Joe. Farthy wouldn’t appreciate it.
Joe Fontaine: Fuck. Uh…
Coral Avalon: I mean, really, I ha—
Give him credit, Joe’s quick to recover from the crime snafu.
Joe Fontaine: I’ll visit you while you’re lying comatose in a bed from all of the choking and I will laugh and laugh and laugh! And all one member of your family that actually gives a crap about you will visit your bedside crying and she’ll have to hear me laugh and laugh and laugh! And they’ll write articles about how Farthy is the rule and you are the suck, and I will read them and I will laugh and laugh and laugh!
Coral Avalon: This seems really unneces—
Did Joe say he was done?
Because he isn’t done.
Joe Fontaine: And when PRIME has to look into your contract and decides to fire you because you can’t wrestle anymore because Farthy choked you into a waking oblivion that you can’t escape, I will laugh and laugh and laugh! And when I watch the Saturday morning cartoons tomorrow and think about what’s about to happen tonight, I will laugh and laugh and laugh! And when I walk the family dog and I think about all of the great times I had watching Farthy choke you to almost-but-not-quite-because-that’s-a-crime death, I will laugh and laugh and laugh!
Coral Avalon: That’s just getting excess—
Joe Fontaine: FURTHERMORE!
Coral throws his hands up because he can’t believe this bit is still going.
Joe Fontaine: After we get through beating those Red Army chumps into Red Roadkill, I’m gonna get backstage and I’m gonna gather all of my cool Glue friends together and we’re going to watch it happen and laugh and laugh and laugh! And when I get the moment you get choked unconscious framed in a picture next to my cool custom-built PC that I use to beat fools in Street Fighter, I will laugh and laugh and laugh! And when I have an artist commission a full-blown painting of that moment and hang it in the goddamn Louvre thanks to the influence of my French bestie best, I will laugh… and laugh… and laugh!
Joe actually needs a moment to catch his breath. His hands are on his knees, and he’s breathing hard enough that Sid has to pat him on the back to help him along, which is likely the best non-powerbomb-related thing he’s done since he joined PRIME.
Coral Avalon: …Are you done?
Joe holds up a finger, asking him to wait a moment.
Coral can’t believe it.
Coral Avalon: Jesus Christ.
And then Joe continues.
Joe Fontaine: There… there will be so much laughing that I’ll think about all of the laughing I plan to do and I’ll laugh… and laugh… and laugh!
He’s done. Even if he wants to continue, he’s done.
Coral Avalon: Okay, uh… can I ask you something?
Joe doesn’t want to be asked questions judging from the dismissive waves of his hands, but Coral doesn’t take the hint.
Coral Avalon: …What in the hell are you wearing, Joe?
Joe glares at Coral angrily.
It’s not helped when Simon chimes in.
Simon Tillier: You, uh… you look like a mid-transformation Megazord that got into a teleportation accident with the snack machine.
Joe doesn’t say anything else. He just turns and walks out of the scene. Sid watches him go with a bewildered expression on his face, and then he jerks his thumb over his shoulder while looking over his shoulder.
Sid Phillips: I’m, uh… we’re, uh… just gonna go get to our match now.
He turns and leaves the scene, leaving Coral and Simon to watch the erstwhile Winds of Change escape. After a long pause, Coral turns to Simon.
Coral Avalon: Uh, that’s all I’ve got for the interview, so… I’ll go get prepared for the match with Bobby now.
Simon Tillier: …Yeah. I guess we’re done.
Coral walks off-camera in the opposite direction of the Glues, leaving Simon behind to feel bad about how poorly that had gone. With that, we move on to a certain luchador…