THINKING OF YOU…
We return from commercial to see Matt Mills in the ring.
Matt Mills: Ladies and gentlemen, joining me at this time is a new face to PRIME that has really caught the attention of a lot of you lately. At Culture Shock, he was able to earn a shot at the Alias Championship later this summer at Tropical Turmoil. And wouldn’t you know it? He just celebrated his nineteenth birthday yesterday!
Happy late birthday to this man next to me. Abe Lipschitz!
Everyone’s special boy is not wearing his usual metal-mouthed smile, which is a bit concerning. Generally in the best of spirits (which we’d expect after his rumored rendezvous in West Hollywood last night with a certain veteran’s ex-wife), he appears solemn. Maybe he had one too many virgin Daiquiris. He’s in a pair of pink dress slacks and matching pink sports coat. Of course, the coat is unbuttoned so everyone can see his abs and chest — no shirt underneath. So he must not be too bad off.
Abe Lipschitz: Not too good, Matt. Not too good.
Matt Mills: Rough morning, huh? I can relate!
Abe nods and gives ol’ Matt a friendly soft pat on the back.
Abe Lipschitz: No, nothing like that. I had a wonderful time last night, and I want to thank everyone who came out. And I especially appreciate everyone who tried to sneak me in the shots where the Vanderpump cameras were. That said, I want to make sure I clear up the gossip that I’m already hearing go around.
Matt Mills: You mean the one about you being seen walking into the Courtyard by Marriott with Meagan Nackedy?
Abe Lipschitz: It was actually a Hilton Garden, but no, Matt. I meant the one about this bump on my face.
Abe places his index finger on his cheek.
Abe Lipschitz: This is not a pimple. It’s a birthmark that just happened to show up today.
Matt closely examines the blemish and scratches his head.
Matt Mills: I don’t know, Abe. Kind of looks like a pim…
Abe Lipschitz: ANYWAY, thanks for having me here tonight, Matt. It was important for me to fly out to Kansas City this afternoon despite not being booked, because I have something important to share.
Reaching into the breast pocket of his coat, Lipschitz retrieves a greeting card and holds it up for the cameras to see. The front of it reads “My condolences…” in that kind of cursive writing font but not really, and it’s paired with a silhouette of a blue jay. Of course.
Abe Lipschitz: You see, I tried to get this sympathy card to Ned Reform after the last ReVival. I ran as fast as I could to the nearest hospital, but he was apparently in such bad shape that they weren’t allowing visitors. So just in case he’s out there watching tonight? Matt, I would like to read the poem I wrote to him, if I could.
The last time a sympathy card was read in the context of professional wrestling, it turned out not to be very sympathetic. However, something tells us that Abe genuinely seems sincere and has put a lot of thought into this. He clears his throat, holds the card to his face, and begins to recite.
Abe Lipschitz: With the deepest regrets, and all love between us, I’m sorry that I hurted your penis.
OK, well…not off to the best start.
Abe Lipschitz: Although we have been in many a fights, my heart aches for you since you can’t put on tights.
Look, he’s got time to turn this around. And honestly, I think he is trying to be nice here. Abe is making dramatic sweeps with his arms, almost as if he is treating this as a one-man play.
Abe Lipschitz: So I’ll light a candle, put flame to the wick. And hope that the doctor can heal up your prick.
Meanwhile, Matt Mills is seen shaking his head, trying to maintain some sense of composure.
Abe Lipschitz: Be sure to keep an ice pack right on your lap. Please get well soon, I miss you…
A dramatic bow by Lipschitz as he drops the card to the ground.
Abe Lipschitz: …no cap.
Coming up from his bow and standing back upright, Abe wipes a fake droplet out of his eye and sniffles.
Abe Lipschitz: Thank you.
Matt Mills: Wow. Really felt like that came from the depths of your soul, Abe.
Abe, apparently not detecting the sarcasm from Matt Mills, decides to embrace him with a giant hug. He buries his face in Mills’ shoulder, feigning weeping for a grand total of five seconds. When he finally comes back up, there is absolutely no sign that there were real tears.
Abe Lipschitz: I appreciate you being here for me in my time of need, Matt. Just what the doctor ordered. I think I’m starting to feel better already! Wonder what Lindsay’s up to…
And with that, Abe exits in search of his object of affection as we cut to…