THIS IS ONE KOOSHY OFFICE
Event: ReVival 15
Event Date: 09/09/2022
THIS IS ONE KOOSHY OFFICE
Elsewhere backstage is a smugly smiling Mortimer Kjedelig, sporting a black and teal tracksuit, sitting in an empty office, leaning back in an office chair with his Nikes resting atop the desk, tossing a Koosh ball up and down.
Mortimer Kjedelig: Tony, Tony, Tone-Tone! There was this guy, this associate of my cousin’s, let’s call him, “Bruno,” he had a weird thing about teeth. Freaky ass shit. If there was a serious issue, someone failed to pay certain hefty fiduciary loans, my cousin would say “They need an appointment with the dentist.” Bruno would be called in, he would take the pliers and extract a molar or perhaps an incisor. I like that word “incisor.” It sounds menacing, like a supervillain. “Bow down to me, for I am the Incisor!” But I digress. So Bruno collected these teeth because….I don’t know, it’s too fucked up for me prostulate.
Mortimer Kjedelig stops tossing up the koosh ball, takes his feet off the desk, and leans forward in the chair. He begins staring at the Koosh ball as he continues.
Mortimer Kjedelig: One day, this big wiseguy from Atlantic City, he requests some assistance handlin’ a particular financial issue and requested a referral from my cousin. To make a long story short, Bruno is sent in to, let’s just say, incentivize someone to pay certain debts. Unfortunately, the person of which Bruno was to have incentivized turned out to have had certain martial arts training, and this person also had a certain attachment to his teeth in that he would allow them to be forcibly removed from his mouth. This person, by all accounts, knew what mayhaps could have occurred, so he roundhouse kicks Bruno in the fuckin’ mouth, I’m talkin’ like real Patrick Swayze type shit! Bruno lost six teeth that evenin’. The irony is not lost on anyone involved or anyone familiar with this story. The point, Tony, is this….you came at me once and injured my mouth and gums, you came at me twice and humiliated me with a punch with your fist that was drippin’ nacho cheese and tortilla chips, treatin’ me like I’m your bitch. Well, I think I proved to you that…heh…heh heh….I’m “nacho” bitch!
Mortimer cannot help but chuckle to himself.
Mortimer Kjedelig: Tony, you got some balls callin’ me out. What? You think, just like Bruno, I’m just gonna allow you to yank my pearly whites from my mouth and join your bullshit syndicate? Well, you can go fuck yourself. At “UltraViolence,” Tony, this squeaky wheel is gonna run you down like fuckin’ roadkill!
Mortimer proceeds to go back to tossing the Koosh ball up and down as the scene comes to an end.