THIS IS WHY I USUALLY DO PRIMEPORIUM ADS
The vessel of Anna Daniels is sitting at her MEGABOOTH OF DOOM at the PRIMEporium. There are no customers because all of them are watching her on the PRIMEview. Or is it PRIME*view? We’ve seen it both ways looking back at the ancient history of PRIME. Why PRIMEview, anyway? We know it’s a nod to preview, but there’s no rolling Ace Network television guide on this thing. What the fuck.
Anyway, she yawns.
Anna Daniels: Forgive our yawning. We had our wedding anniversary a couple of days ago and we’re still recovering from the…festivities.
Which required a lot of the horizontal tango. And the vertical tango. And the sado-masochism tango. Oh, look. The Intense Champion has a belt that’s intense.
Anna Daniels: We have new merch to sell like the Rocky de Leon FDP mask and his new shirt and whatever the hell the Masters of the MultiMoscowMegaverse are doing. But Merch Czar’s taking a vacation this week and in her place is this little ramble. Very soon, we are going to have our first defense of this title against a French lizardman who likes to sniff glue made from the bones of his dead father figure and has a collection of necks. All of you are probably surprised about that.
You have to, of course, in order for any of this to make sense.
Anna Daniels: We know what you were expecting. You were expecting Paxton Ray to murder FLAMBERGE to retain the Intense Title at Tropical Turmoil. Because honestly, why wouldn’t he? Everybody’s heard about it. Paxton’s a wrecking ball! Paxton’s an asshole! Paxton thinks the world is flat! Blah blah blah. And honestly, dear PRIMEverse, we don’t blame you or Pax himself for thinking that way.
Like we didn’t notice how arrogant Bayou Boi was getting up until then. The shiny title belt shifts on our shoulder.
Anna Daniels: We should be offended that you had no faith in us. In fact, we should be pissed! But we expected this. It’s a talent of ours that when the people lose faith in us, we surprise them. You gasp, you sputter, inevitably you cheer as you sing DING DONG THE BUTCHER’S DEAD. Perhaps…there’s even people that are a little bit upset. The man himself. His former would-be opponent who is probably pouting somewhere, eating cheese and talking to no one. Maybe even some of you who hoped to make a decent amount of money betting on the match. Fuck knows the stakes would be high.
Somewhere back in Vegas or wherever his home planet is, Melvin is shaking his fist at this comment and cries into his complimentary PWA cum rag.
Anna Daniels: Instead, you got us. And you still doubt because of course you do. Every other time, we fell short of the goal, didn’t we? So what if this time was different? It’s just a fluke. It’s not like we’ve taken your beloved Universal Champion to his limits. We certainly didn’t tear Nate Colton a new one. And Heaven forbid the idea cross your mind that this should’ve been our belt the minute we beat the Anglo Luchador when he held the belt.
It’s true. Look it up.
Anna Daniels: We know what you say about us behind closed doors. “Oh, Anna’s such a good wrestler but her career has been so up and down. Oh, Anna’s good but not great. Oh, Anna can’t take the heat. Oh, oh, ooohhhhh!” We know what you say because we have heard for years. Every variation of it, every tone whether you try to be nice or are a complete tool, and quite honestly, we’re so fucking sick of it, man! Better people and better universes have said that shit more times than we can even bother to count, but the vast majority of those motherfuckers are dead. Buried. Forgotten by history. We are right here.
As you can tell because you’re watching us on the PRIME-star-view Guide channel. Coming up next, Some Goofy Bullshit starring J.C. Hall. Unless that’s been canceled too. Damn, the writer’s strike even affecting efeds now, h–oh, hai there, mister owl.
Anna Daniels: We don’t need your applause. We don’t need your cheers. We don’t need your stamp of approval or support. It’s appreciated, but not necessary. Because unlike Flambo, we don’t need a smug little shit or his imaginary friend to get the job done.
Quick, Prime. Say the line so we can shoot this owl.
Anna Daniels: Hooroo.
Cut to a screen promoting the McSkree and Me FDP mask/shirt combo pack that is (slightly) cheaper than getting them separately and the sound of a shotgun blasting a feathered creature.