TRANSITIONING AND… TRANSITIONING AND… TRANSITIONING AND… TRANSITIONING AND…
Nick Stuart: Fans, I’m told before our next match we are going to see the Love Convoy. Over the past month, I’ve witnessed Vickie Hall all over social media promoting her husband, Jonathan-Christopher and his partner, Darin Zion as the NEW PRIME Tag Team Championships which can’t be further from the truth!
Richard Parker: Right. Not the case, they didn’t win. Then again a man/woman/couple/friends/team can dream, though, can’t they? It would’ve been better than the outcome we received at the pay-per-view…
Nick Stuart: I could not disagree with you more, Rich. Regardless, we are-
The announcer is interrupted by hot PRETTY pink confetti falling from the rafters. Flamenco dancers walk out from behind the ReVival curtain, many, MANY flamenco dancers. TOO many flamenco dancers. We’re talking at least ten… twenty… thirty…
Richard Parker: Is there a whole clown car back there?
Nick Stuart: I can only imagine.
The dancers line the top of the stage, up and down the rampway and also around ringside. They just keep coming and coming and coming. Some of them wander into the crowd, amongst the many aisleways of the arena. Soon, you could almost be wondering if there isn’t enough space for the dancers IN the actual bleachers. There has to be hundreds of them.
They keep coming. It’s getting nonsensical. The crowd is starting to boo because it’s not only taking so long, there’s no music and no one is dancing.
Nick Stuart: This is the worst display of-
Nick’s cut off again by wonderful, magical dream music!
“Love Song” by Sara Bareilles
“Love Story” by Taylor Swift
“Love on Top” by Beyonce
“I Will Always Love You” by Dolly Parton
“Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis
“Endless Love” by Lionel Richie
“Crazy For You” by Madonna
Nick Stuart: SERIOUSLY!?!?
Richard Parker: This is amazing!
“Because You Loved Me” by Celine Deon
“Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” by Drowning Pool
SUPER-FAST-QUICK transitioning to…
“A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri
“As I Lay Me Down” by Sophie B. Hawkins
If you haven’t caught on by now, the Tampa crowd is absolutely losing their shit with impatience because nobody has come out, this is taking forever and the dancers aren’t doing a thing because they can’t get into rhythm before the songs change!
And LOVE CONVOY are the only words on the big LCD screen.
“Kiss Me” by Sixpence None The Richer
“Thinkin’ Bout You” Frank Ocean
“If I Ain’t Got You” Alicia Keys
AND FINALLY transitioning to…
“2Become1” by The Spice Girls
The crowd is furious as Vickie Hall walks out, dressed in the most awful and tacky looking hot pink number. She is flanked by her Amazing Life Partner, Jonathan-Christopher who is also wearing a hot pink getup, a pink shirt and dress pants. He looks to be in good spirits as he politely smiles into the booing crowd. Then there’s tag team partner Darin Zion beside him, also dressed in pink but with red hearts throughout his dress pants and shirt. He’s holding the typical steering wheel but he doesn’t look thrilled to be there. The last person to walk out is Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy. He’s definitely the happiest of the bunch. The Nuzzle Lord has the widest smile possible, it’s borderline possessed. The group of them make their way through the dancers who only now begin to show off their talented moves!
Nick Stuart: Champions with no titles. That works, right?
Richard Parker: SSHHHH! Don’t ruin the moment. This is awesome! This is awesome! This is awesome! C’mon, chant along.
Nick Stuart: NO. [Pause] Name ONE song that played recently. You don’t like any of this music.
Richard Parker: I can appreciate effort, Nick. Effort!
Vickie gracefully leads the way as pink balloons fall from the rafters. She reaches the ring and daintily walks up the steel steps as Jonathan-Christopher holds her right arm to make sure she doesn’t fall.
Richard Parker: Imagine what this celebration would’ve looked like if they REALLY won?
Nick Stuart: No thank you.
Vickie slips through the bottom and middle rope as she reveals a pretty pink LOVE CONVOY microphone in her hand that’s shaped like a steering wheel. Soon after, Jonathan-Christopher follows into the ring and then Tristan-Crispin. Last, is the rather off-putting look from Darin Zion. He joins them inside the squared circle as the Spice Girls theme song dies down and the hundreds of dancers stop their moves but stay exactly where they are.
The Woman of Wonder gives an ear piercing scream into the microphone.
Vickie Hall: THANK YOU ALL FOR THAT MAGICAL WELCOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Boos, of course, follow.
Vickie Hall: I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate the NEW PRIME TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS… MY AMAZING LIFE PARTNER, JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL AND HIS BEST FRIEND… DARIN ZION!!!
Nick Stuart: You. Did. Not. Win.
Richard Parker: Hey! Quiet! I’m taking this in!
Nick Stuart: [SIGH]
Jonathan-Christopher takes a bow while Darin Zion stands there, seemingly becoming more disgruntled by the second.
Vickie Hall: That’s right my peeps! PRIME Pretties, the entire tag team division is on noticeeeeeeee! BUT WE WON’T STOP THERE, MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Tonight, Tristan-Crispin goes into singles action FOR THE FIRST TIME EVERRRRRRR!
TCG hasn’t moved a muscle on his face. He holds the exact same massive, cheesy smile plastered across his mug.
Vickie Hall: And my man, my honeybuns of amazing fucking oats, Jonathan-Christopher, HE IS GOING TO START HIS NEW JOURNEY TO THE WORLD TITLE BY TAKING DOWN THAT EVIL, MORONIC VIRGIN ADAM ELLIS!
Vickie changes her demeanor from shouting for joy to shouting in anger.
Vickie Hall: JOHN SEKTOR AIN’T GONNA SAVE YOU KID FROM THE MOST SEXUAL AND LOVING ANIMAL I HAVE EVER KNOWN!!!
Jonathan-Christopher cranks his arms around with confidence like “fuck ya, that’s right”. It’s a pretty weak attempt to look tough. It’s clear The Timid Tiger is still that, timid, hiding behind a “tough guy” persona that’s absolutely cringeworthy.
Vickie walks to the center of the ring and then points to the back. She begins to scream with random inflections at various times.
Vickie Hall: And I want everybody in the back to recognize AND realize my man and HIS BEST FRIEND are NEVER going to defend their Tag TEAM Championships because NO one IS worthy of THE forever journey to FACE THEM!
Richard Parker: See, Nick! I knew there was a reason they didn’t bring the titles out!
Vickie Hall: Nobody is going to defeat 2Become1 because WHEN 2 become 1, they are unstoppableeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
Vickie begins to scream for joy. By now, Darin Zion’s entire face is beet red and crinkled together.
Vickie Hall: My team will go TWO-AND-OOOOOOOO tonight, followed by the following Revival when Darin Zion gets back into singles competition and FUCKING DESTROYS WHOMEVER comes his wa-
Vickie’s cut off…
Because Darin has snatched the microphone from her.
And he doesn’t look happy.
Darin Zion: Vickie, enough.
He tries to say calmly while Vickie leans over to him, sporting a cheesy smile hersel but she tries talking through the grin, without moving her lips. The apron camera mic picks up what she’s saying as she shifts her eyes all over the place, to check on the crowd reaction and DZ.
Vickie Hall: [off-mic] Zion, what the fuck are you doing?
REAL LOVE holds his free arm out to Vickie for her to take a step back, like it’s going to be okay.
Darin Zion: Vickie, enough of this nonsense, okay? I’m tired of it, I’m tired of ALL this.
Vickie raises her eyebrows and continues trying to reason with REAL LOVE off-mic.
Vickie Hall: [off-mic] Zion, don’t do anything you’re going to regret…
Vickie doesn’t take the fake smile off her face. For that matter, neither does Tristan-Crispin. He’s doubled down. His smile is even creepier and faker than normal. Gladhappy tries to give a thumbs up to the people but nobody buys it. Meanwhile, Jonathan-Christopher is looking further concerned by the millisecond!
Pretty Pink reaches out for the mic.
Vickie Hall: [off-mic] Zion, psst, dude, just give me the mic, okay? It’s going to be fine.
Zion shakes his head.
Darin Zion: I’m sorry Vickie, it’s not going to be fine. Look, I like you. I like Jonathan-Christopher. He IS a friend. Is he my best friend? Debatable. Then again, I don’t have many friends. Vickie, I’m a loser. I keep losing. I lose a lot. And I lost our match at Colossus for the-
Vickie pats Darin on the back, still talking through that fake smile without moving her lips.
Vickie Hall: But we WON, Zion. Won. W. O. N.
Once again, Zion shakes his head.
Darin Zion: No we didn’t, Vic. I’m sorry.
DZ attempts to take a deep breath.
Darin Zion: Look, I’m not leaving this group…
He looks down at the steering wheel he dropped inside the ring.
Darin Zion: In fact, I’m staying right here. But we can’t run away from failing. I’m done running. REAL LOVE isn’t doing it. It’s time REAL LOVE became TOUGH LOVE.
Vickie’s face is slowly suggesting she’s really not happy with Zion. Like, really, really not happy. The dancers are looking on from every angle… the crowd watches this situation continue to meltdown. Gladhappy is frozen in time with his smile and thumbs up, the only thing that moves are his eyes as they dart around all over the place like a googly eyed doll.
…And Jonathan-Christopher has fallen against the corner of the ring, shaking with anxiety.
Vickie realizes Darin’s not going to back down so, instead, she decides to play a different game. She calmly inches closer and closer to Darin, in an attempt to snatch the microphone back.
Vickie Hall: [off-mic] Zion, please. Like fuck, please man…
She’s just about ready to take the mic when TOUGH LOVE steps back.
Darin Zion: No Vickie, I’m sorry. I’ve got some soul searching to do.
Zion drops the mic and exits the ring, pushing his way past the pack of dancers who are just as stunned as the group inside the ring.
Vickie is rattled as fuck. She turns to the hard camera in an extremely robotic motion, as if somehow nobody saw what took place. She doesn’t know what to do. She looks over to Jonathan-Christopher who’s sitting on the canvas mat and crying in the corner now.
Pretty Pink shouts in Jonathan-Christopher’s directions. He tries to pick himself up and walk over. Then she says something inaudible to Tristan-Crispin.
Nick Stuart: I think Vickie and Jonathan-Christopher are leaving.
Richard Parker: Yeah, so are everyone else. Everyone except Gladhappy.
Nick Stuart: I guess he does have a match that’s next…
Vickie exits the ring and starts demanding all the dancers to “FUCK OFF ASAP”. The entire night has been ruined.