TRISTAN-CRISPIN GLADHAPPY vs. JACOB MEPHISTO
Nick Stuart: What a spectacle by the Love Convoy!
Richard Parker: They never promised us a rose garden, Nick! What has happened to them is a travesty!
Nick Stuart: A point that appears entirely lost on Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy, who remains in the ring seemingly unfazed by what has unfolded…
True enough, in the ring TCG waves out to what he perceives to be an adoring crowd and winks into the nearest camera.
Vince Howard: First, in the ring, standing 6’0” and weighing in at 219 lbs…from Sacramento, California…he is a member of the Love Convoy…TRISTAAAAN-CRISPIIIIN GLAAADHAPPYYYYYYY!!!!!
Richard Parker: Love is NOT in need of love today, Nick, because the Nuzzle Lord brought enough for everyone!
“The Dark Horse Always Wins” by Blues Saracino hits over the PA and Jacob Mephisto emerges from behind the backstage curtain, stopping for a moment to survey the crowd before marching with purpose down to the ring.
Vince Howard: Coming to the ring at this time…standing 6’5” and weighing in at 265 lbs…from Nazareth, Pennsylvania…he is JAAAACOOOOOOOB MEEEPHISSSSSSTOOOOOOO!!!!
Nick Stuart: Mephisto has declared his intent to turn a corner here in PRIME in 2023 after admittedly a tough year last year.
Richard Parker: Sure. And last year I ‘declared my intent’ to lose weight, and can I sit here today and tell you what color the nice lady at the salon chose for my toenails this morning? NO!
Nick Stuart: Wait…you went…
Richard Parker: You should think about practicing self-care, Nick. It’s the Love Convoy way.
Mephisto climbs the steps to the ring apron and steps through the ropes, standing up and cracking his neck.
Nick Stuart: And we are ready for action as this one gets underway!
Mephisto looms in his corner, eyes locked on TCG as Gladhappy loosens up in his own corner, jogging in place.
Nick Stuart: You know, Richard, as different as these two may line up physically with Mephisto’s height and weight advantage, and as different as their…um…vibes may be…
Richard Parker: Ya think?!
TCG blows a kiss to someone in the crowd. Mephisto wordlessly wishes unending suffering on all whom the moon’s shadow touches.
Nick Stuart: …actually there are a lot of similarities in their ring styles. Both lean heavily on strikes and quick-hitting whip moves and snap suplexes.
Richard Parker: Wait, were you up all night doing research on this one? Jesus, you sicko, no wonder you had to send your youngest to “wilderness therapy camp”…
Nick Stuart: Easy!
DING DING
TCG begins to dance out of the corner as Mephisto in turn takes three big steps to the middle of the ring, nodding and waving for Gladhappy to engage.
Nick Stuart: Mephisto is telling Gladhappy to bring it on!
Richard Parker: Yeah I’d RSVP “honored but won’t be able to make it”…
TCG springs forward, swinging his right leg.
Nick Stuart: TCG connecting with a low kick off the left leg of Mephisto and he immediately backs off! Clearly not interested in starting this one off trading blows!
Richard Parker: He’s got some brains to go with all those hearts!
Mephisto lunges forward, swinging a lariat that TCG manages to duck under, but as TCG pumps the brakes and pivots to re-launch…
Nick Stuart: OOOH! Mephisto with a mule kick catching Gladhappy square in the midsection!
Richard Parker: A few inches south and 2Become1 would be 1 bag and 2 balls short of a convoy!
Nick Stuart: Mephisto baited Gladhappy with that lariat knowing full well he could catch him on the regroup! Smart strategy!
Mephisto turns and plants the doubled-over TCG with a DDT onto the mat. He grabs TCG, lifting him quickly to his feet before whipping him back to the mat with a dragon screw leg whip.
Mephisto rolls through to his feet, lifts TCG again, then again with the dragon screw.
Nick Stuart: Mephisto keeping Gladhappy grounded with these takedowns!
Richard Parker: Please, Nick, TCG hasn’t been “grounded” since he was caught in grade school rifling through his grandfather’s collection of Penthouse Forums…which he actually read for the love stories! A romantic even then!
Mephisto tries a third dragon screw and TCG kicks a leg up across Mephisto’s face, sending him spinning backwards. Gladhappy grabs him from behind and flings him into the corner. Mephisto crumples against the turnbuckles and TCG executes a quick back handspring to some “oohs” and “ahhhs” from the crowd before charging in…
…and eating a short-arm clothesline.
Nick Stuart: PRIDE BEFORE THE FALL! Gladhappy trying to get fancy and he pays for it!
Richard Parker: Is there no place for a showman anymore?! That was cool!
With TCG on the mat, Mephisto turns and scales the turnbuckle pads, facing away from his opponent.
Nick Stuart: We know Mephisto’s no high-flyer so this may be some kind of double leg stomp…
Suddenly TCG springs up and shoves Mephisto’s leg, causing the big man to rack himself on the top turnbuckle.
Ohhhhhhhh…
Richard Parker: Mephisto better be happy with The Family he’s got, ‘cuz I’m not seeing more progeny in his future!
Nick Stuart: He is really hurting after that one!
TCG climbs to his feet, sliding his head under Mephisto and grabbing a leg in each arm.
Nick Stuart: He’s gonna lift him! Mephisto has almost fifty pounds on Gladhappy but he’s going for it!
Richard Parker: The heart really is the strongest muscle in the body, Nick!
TCG hoists Mephisto off of the ringpost, trembling just momentarily as he walks backwards to the middle of the ring, bathed in flashbulbs…and plants Mephisto with a thunderous BOOM~! on the mat.
Nick Stuart: BUILDING SOMETHING GREAT TOGETHER!! We know what’s coming next!!
Richard Parker: I’m swooning over here!
Nick Stuart: Gladhappy positioning now for the anklelock…and he’s got it! HEAD OVER HEELS! Head Over Heels is locked in and Mephisto is in agony!!
Mephisto slams his fists on the mat as he writhes and tries to jockey for ring ropes, but TCG pulls him further into the center of the ring.
Mephisto continues fighting it, his hands alternating between pawing at the mat and covering his face…before slamming his right palm repeatedly on the canvas.
DING DING DING
Nick Stuart: And this one’s history, Richard! TCG with a nice win tonight over Jacob Mephisto, whose in-ring woes continue on in 2023!
Richard Parker: It’s never too late to start thinking about next year!
Vince Howard: Your winner by submission…TRISTAAAAN-CRISPIIIINNN GLAAAAAADHAAAPPPYYYYYYYY!!!
TCG drops Mephisto’s leg and thrusts both arms ecstatically into the air. Mephisto rolls over, clutching his ankle before sliding under the bottom rope and kneeling on the outside of the ring apron as the camera cuts to commercial.