TROPICAL TURMOIL QUALIFIER: CANCER JILES vs. REZIN
We cut to ringside for the start of our first match.
IVAN FOR KING BASTARD 2024
OH GREAT NOW WE’RE GOING TO GIVE SID 17 NEW NICKNAMES WITH THE WORD GLUE
THE GLUEMINATI ARE EVERYWHERE
DIG THROUGH THE DITCHES AND LOOK FOR PHIL ATKINS AND SLAM IN THE BACK OF MY GLUEMOBILE
THERE IS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE IN SAD CAKE
WE IN PHOENIX DO NOT CLAIM JOE FONTAINE AS ONE OF OURS
AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE PAIR OF FOOTPRINTS AT THE FOOTPRINT CENTER, FOR IT WAS CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON CARRYING YOU
BRING ON THE UNDULATING STEEL
I BOUGHT A TICKET FOR THIS SHOW BUT I WILL SELL THIS TICKET FOR THE REVIVAL 31 SHOW BECAUSE AERIAL KICKBOXING
THE COLTONS ARE NO WALTONS
BENNY COLTON HAS A FOREHEAD FETISH
BRING BACK MUSSY
HEY FLAMBO, I’VE GOT A NECK YOU CAN COLLECT RIGHT HERE
SIR, I’D LIKE TO SEND BACK THESE CHICKENTENDERS I ORDERED; THEY ARE WAY TOO HARD
REV THIRTY IS THE NEW REV TWENTY TWO
Nick Stuart: Welcome one and all to ReVival Thirty, live in Phoenix, Arizona! We are on the doorstep of a MONUMENTAL Pay-Per-View event, Tropical Turmoil!
Richard Parker: Every one of those handsome sons of guns in the Glueminati will cash in their opportunity at singles gold – pretty soon we may ALL be swimming in glue!
Nick Stuart: Putting that mental image aside – we will also see the Turmoil Match, six competitors facing off elimination style to determine the new #1 Contender for the Universal Championship!
Richard Parker: Paxton Ray and Jared Sykes – maybe two of the most polar opposite guys I can think of in PRIME – are already in. Tonight, we found out who fills out the rest of the field!
Nick Stuart: Any predictions, partner?
Richard Parker: I don’t care what happens as long as ol’ Caner Jiles gets eliminated from this thing.
Nick Stuart: And don’t forget our main event tonight – tag team action! Winds of Change shocked the world when they viciously assaulted Coral Avalon at ReVival 29 and aligned themself with the Glueminati. Tonight, Joe Fontaine of the Winds tags with Lord Farthington for the first time ever against another unique duo, the Universal Champion Brandon Youngblood and Justine Calvin!
Richard Parker: Oh, look at this poor idiot walking down the ramp!
Continuing a recent trend, they all done goofed with Cancer Jiles’s usual entrance. He’s a little more controlled, a little more Cool, than the last time this happened in a COOLympic Curtain Jerk, but the volume is all messed up and “I Am The Cool” is alternately way too quiet and blaring extremely loudly for a moment out of a random arena speaker. They didn’t even pretend to get pyro for him this time. But hey – at least this time, he’s not already in the ring when we first see him.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a Tropical Turmoil Qualifier! Introducing first, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania…he is a former Universal Champion…THE GREEK GOD OF COOL! CANCERRRRRRRR JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES!
Richard Parker: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: I appreciate that you’re not even trying to use your words anymore.
Richard Parker: BOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
“I Have Prepared a Statement” by Whores blasts with full clarity and pristine audio quality as pillars of smoke shoot up along the edges of the entrance ramp. We see clips of a ship being pulled over a mountain and a damn fine cup of coffee on PRIMEview as Rezin emerges – emerges is the wrong word, he stumbles – into frame. We’re not sure what exactly he’s saying but we can tell it’s about normies and he’s very adamant about punching the shit out of the air in his immediate vicinity as he pratfalls and stumblesaults down the ramp.
Vince Howard: And his opponent…hailing from Indianapolis, Indiana! He is ALSO a former Universal Champion…THE ESCAPE ARTIST! RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!
Nick Stuart: Rezin doesn’t look like he wants to waste any time!
Richard Parker: He keeps falling on his face but he’s getting to the ring faster than he would if he were walking!
On cue, Rezin stumbles under the bottom rope, roars and gives a well-intenioned Double Bird to the fans in attendance before smashing Jiles in the mush with a closed fist! Referee Timo Bolamba signals for the bell!
Nick Stuart: Rezin is firing away!
Rezin begins throwing these wild raining haymakers towards Jiles’s head and upper body. A few catch Jiles and he’s forced to take a step or two back before he immediately falls to the mat and curls himself into a protective cocoon near the ropes! Rezin is relentless in his frenzied assault as Jiles sneaks a few fingertips onto the bottom rope. Bolamba begins a five count for Rezin to back off, which Rezin sells like his mother’s honor has been insulted (which – ok, let’s not get into that one, that’s going to really divert our attention). Rezin is soon barking his head off at Bolamba as he steps away – Jiles seizes the opportunity and lunges forward, clipping Rezin’s leg and dropping him to the mat.
Nick Stuart: Picture Perfect Knee Clip! Clever sequence to flip the script by Jiles there.
Richard Parker: Don’t overcompensate for how much I speak my truth about Jiles by showering him with all this praise, Nick – I hope Cancer Jiles stubs his big toe twice a day!
Nick Stuart: Jiles is mounting some offense here, but wait – Rezin has slipped out of Jiles’s grasp! Jiles immediately goes for a thumb to the eye – Rezin didn’t like that one!
Richard Parker: Rezin just slapped Jiles in the mouth for poking him in the eye!
Nick Stuart: Frustration already at a boiling point!
The two begin trading blows back and forth in the middle of the ring – open palm strikes from Rezin, knife edge chops from Jiles. After an extended and increasingly heated exchange, the two men’s chests both glow pinkish red and they come nose to nose, roaring like a majestic lion and a pissed off goat at each other. The roar ends when Jiles grasps and rips a truly awful nipple twist. Rezin clutches his chest and falls back to the mat like he got hit by a cinder block. Jiles closes the distance and goes for the cover!
TWO – Rezin rolls into the ropes!
Still clutching his chest, and crying out in agony, he kicks and writhes and slips his way out of the grasp of the Coolympian before falling out of the ring and onto the floor. Jiles is…displeased. He takes a moment, runs his hand through his maybe-more-white-than-blonde-these-days-but-otherwise-perfect hair and follows Rezin to the outside.
As Jiles’s feet hit the floor…
Nick Stuart: CLOVEN HOOF KICK!!
Richard Parker: HA! Rezin suckered him in!
Nick Stuart: More haymakers onto the fallen Cancer Jiles, and he’s connecting with all of them! He’s got him by the head now, rolling Jiles into the ring, and here he goes! Top rope time!
Richard Parker: PUT HIM IN A BODYBAAAAAAAAG!
Rezin gathers his balance on the top rope and measures the prone Jiles. As he gathers himself, he looks out upon the raucous crowd and throws up the devil horns, positions himself with his back to Jiles, and then he LEAPS~~
Nick Stuart: REZINSAULT FROM THE TOP! HERE’S THE COVER!
Jiles shoots his shoulder up at two and a half to the crowd’s dismay. Rezin doesn’t let it deter him and wastes no time – he grabs Jiles by the face and launches forward with a headbutt! Another one! And now Rezin just bites Jiles right on the top of his skull! Timo Bolamba has no choice but to initiate another five out to get things under control.
Timo Bolamba: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR – Rezin, no teeth, you know that!
Rezin: YOU DAMB NORMIES ARE ALWAYS OPPRESSING THE USE OF THINGS THAT COME FROM NATURE, COME ON – IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE SCIMITARS IN MY MOUTH LIKE ARTHUR PL-EARHGHGHHH!
Jiles connects flush with a high leaping dropkick that sends Rezin staggering! He rebounds off the ropes – German Suplex by Jiles! Rezin somehow rolls with the momentum of the slam and staggers, stumbles, and whiffs as he swings wildly in the air – a second German Suplex! This one keeps Rezin down on the mat. Seeing the opportunity to let loose with some frustrations, Jiles reveals not just one, but TWO curled index fingers that protrude from the very hands he uses all the time in his daily life. He positions himself behind Rezin, reaches down, and one index finger is in each cheek, pulling violently outward.
Richard Parker: Look at this disgusting tactic! I hope Rezin bites his fingers off!
Nick Stuart: Bolamba calling things tightly here, he’s already begun counting to get Jiles to release this illegal hold – Jiles releases at three there. You know, how many times can a wrestler toe that five count line before the referee might go for the full disqualification?
Richard Parker: It depends on the referee, but if it was ME – I would have DQ’d ol’ Caner Jiles by now.
Nick Stuart: For what?
Richard Parker: Pick a reason.
Jiles works over Rezin’s shins with some driving stomps, and after stepping on Rezin’s left hand for good measure, he pulls Rezin to his feet…gets a headlock on Rezin…and drops him with a Very Basic Bitch-Ass DDT! He covers and hooks both legs!
Rezin pops up, and he’s a raging ball of fire! – until he realizes that his brain was just spiked on the ground, and he needs his brain, so he stumbles through the ropes to the outside again. Jiles is now PISSED. He storms out of the ring, makes a beeline for the staggering Rezin (who’s acting like he’s blind in both eyes and somehow also his nose), and does the thing.
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!
Richard Parker: NO!!
Rezin splats hard to the mat, and maybe it’s the earlier brain attack, maybe it’s just his damn heart, but he’s immediately working very very hard to get back to his feet…and he does! His fists are up! He’s ready to pay Jiles back in a big way! He’s a righteous warrior of VENGEANCE and he’s stumbling over his own boots, and yep. He just cracked his own head into the ring post…but he’s still on his feet! Until…
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER AGAIN!
Rezin, for a moment, seems Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board, before he suddenly crashes face first to the floor. Timo Bolamba actively leans his torso outside the ropes and yells at the wrestlers to bring it back into the ring. For a while Jiles is too cool to listen, and Rezin is too dead to listen. As boos rain down upon him, kING eGG finally chooses to exert the effort necessary to heave Rezin back into the ring. Rezin flops and rolls and writhes almost like a dying trout. Jiles goes for a pretty casual cover.
TH-ROLLTHROUGH! Rezin has Cancer in a Crucifix! High stack!
THRE-ELBOW GETS FREE! Jiles gets the elbow free! A few stiff shots into Rezin’s face, another cover!
Rezin pops out, and locks in the Cabrón Clutch on the mat! Both men are fighting through this submission hold HARD, but Rezin refuses to release his grip! Timo Bolamba is right on top of the action, looking to see if Cancer Jiles submits!
TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP!
Richard Parker: TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP!
Nick Stuart: Rezin is about to become the next entrant in the Turmoil Match!
This hold is in DEEP, and Jiles’s face is fuschia. He’s huffing and puffing and doing everything he can to stay conscious in the hold as the fans continue expressing their wishes for this man to tap out.
Of course, many in attendance would be equally OK with Jiles being legitimately choked out, but that goes without saying.
Jiles seems to catch a bit of a second wind and starts fighting back. As the men flail and jerk around and do everything in their power to either Hold On or Get Out, we see Jiles tilt his head forward before violently swinging it back – cracking the back of his head squarely into Rezin’s nose! Rezin clutches at his nose as a trickle of blood comes down! Cancer wastes no time and goes to bite Rezin right in the hands that he’s using to protect his face!
Timo Bolamba: One! Two! Three! Four – Cancer, you know it too, no teeth!
Timo physically pushes Jiles off of Rezin and the Coolympian gets to his feet. The two begin to argue as Cancer motions to stay on the attack – Timo’s head is underneath Jiles’s outreached shoulder as he tries to help create space.
Rezin: YOU GODDAMB BASTARD I’M GONNA BLEAKRHG!
And Bolamba doesn’t see it.
The yellow mist.
Nick Stuart: Oh no, that’s the Coolympian Yoljk! Rezin’s been blinded!
And it’s a third Terminal Cancer.
Richard Parker: No, NO! KICKOUT REZIN!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Here is your winner, advancing to the Turmoil Match at Tropical Turmoil…Cancerrrrrr JILES!
Richard Parker: Well partner, my night is officially ruined.
Nick Stuart: There’s a reason Rezin became Universal Champion – he’s one of the best in the business, he’s the toughest competitor pound-for-pound in any locker room he’s in, and he’s more slippery than a damp frog in a bowl of Jello! But tonight, Jiles was willing to go that one slimy step further.
Richard Parker: I hope Cancer Jiles has a beautiful child one day that loves Lego, and always leaves them on the floor, so every day when he wakes up he steps on a whole PILE of them.
Nick Stuart: Healthy emotional processing here at ReVival 30!
We then cut backstage.