TROPICAL TURMOIL QUALIFIER: NATE COLTON vs. NOVA
The lights cut out in the Footprint Center, and a stormy sky appears on the video screen.
As thunder booms over the speakers and lightning lights up the darkened clouds on-screen, George Clinton’s voice can be heard speaking in soft, reverberating tones.
Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time…for y’all have knocked her up. I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe; but I was not offended, for I knew I had to rise above it all…or drown in my own shit.
The stormy sky fades, replaced by a field of stars. One of the stars shoots across the screen, and as the field of stars comes together to form the name of the PRIME icon.
Funkadelic’s “Maggot Brain” powers on.
Vince Howard: This bout is scheduled for one fall, and has a thirty minute time limit…with the winner ADVANCING to the Tropical Turmoil Match! Introducing first…from parts unknown…standing six feet three inches and weighing in at two hundred forty pounds…he is a PRIME Hall of Famer…one of the longest reigning Universal Champions in PRIME history…his accolades are numerous…he is the RIIIIISEN STAR! He is…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOVA!
At this moment, a spotlight hits the entrance ramp where Nova is knelt, one fist raised in the air. Smoke wafts up from the cigarette hanging out of his mouth, swirling iridescently under the hot glare of the spotlight. After a moment, the Risen Star climbs to his feet and makes his way down to the ring, rolling under the bottom rope before standing.
The lights of the Footprint Center once again go out.
The fans erupt in anticipation, and soon their energy is rewarded as the PRIMEView springs to life. On a field of white, three words appear
These fade away, replaced by a logo. It’s the letter C in the shape of a diamond, with a smaller N inside. The logo is framed by the name.
A classic rock riff signals the beginning of “Tryin’” by the Eagles, and the Kansas City fans give out a raucous cheer. Moments later, Nate Colton emerges from the curtain. He holds his arms up high, showing off his blue satin jacket–his family name emblazoned on the back; his first name stitched on the front.
Nate walks quickly to the ring, stopping periodically to point at groups of cheering fans, or waving his arms to hype up the crowd.
Vince Howard: His opponent…hailing from Evansville Indiana…weighing in at two-hundred fifty-five pounds…he is the Next Diamond! He is the former PRIME Five Star Champion! He is…NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE! COOOOOOOOOOOOOOLTON!
He climbs the steps, ducks between the top and middle ropes, and enters the ring. He heads directly to his corner and undoes his jacket, showing off his gear–white trunks that reach his upper thigh with a blue stripe down the side, white boots with blue trim, white MMA gloves, and blue elbow and knee pads. After handing his jacket to a ring attendant, he makes another appeal to the fans.
The music fades.
Referee Jimmy Turnbull calls for the bell.
Nick Stuart: And we are underway here with this Tropical Turmoil Match qualifier…the former 5 Star Champion, Nate Colton, looking to rebound after what many would consider and upset at the hands of Coral Avalon…
Richard Parker: Bet Avalon is regretting that now…given that he’s been abandoned by the Winds of Change for greener pastures…
Nick Stuart: I sincerely doubt that’s the case.
Richard Parker: Well Coral sabotaged them. If it wasn’t for him, they’d be PRIME Forever Tag Team Champions. And he did it to two people who looked up to him. He betrayed them. A real Judas move if ever there was one.
Nick Stuart: And across from him is the Hall of Famer, the Risen Star…
Richard Parker: Falling star.
Nick Stuart: Richard–
Richard Parker: Like splat. Like yeeted into the ozone by Ivan Stanislav. And brutalized by Paxton Ray.
Nick Stuart: And how much of that has to do with Hoyt–
Richard Parker: Don’t you DARE take the Lord’s name in vain!
Nick Stuart: Nova is in a bit of a valley. But he’s been there before. We saw that at UltraViolence just a few months ago…nobody thought he had a legitimate chance to defeat Brandon Youngblood, but he defied the odds and got the biggest win of his ReVival career.
Richard Parker: Flukes happen. And then the ball rolls over.
Colton and Nova size each other up, The Risen Star looking up to the Next Diamond. They quickly tie up, with Nate muscling Nova into the ropes, requiring Jimmy Turnbull to call for the clean break. Perhaps it’s a surprise to the former Universal Champion because of what he has been facing recently, but the clean break happens, Colton backing up a few steps before beckoning him forward. Nova obliges, another tight collar and elbow tie up turning into a side headlock from Colton, his hands locking stiff, Nova’s fingers grabbing at the grip. Small joint manipulation allows him to break things up, and, with Colton going for another tie up, he is caught off guard by a deep armdrag takeover.
Nate Colton bounces back to his feet quickly, but Nova is on the scene, throwing himself and hitting another arm drag. The Next Diamond is back to his feet quickly, but not before getting hit with a running dropkick that drives him into the corner.
Nick Stuart: Nova has shown, even if some think his best days are behind him, that he is able to hit with the best of them.
Colton tries to collect himself, but Nova is charging in on him, trying to keep the momentum going. A flying body splash should connect. Should. But The Next Diamond catches him in flight, burying him into the canvas with a stiff STO that shakes the ring. A lateral press quickly follows.
Colton isn’t surprised by this, grabbing onto a chinlock on the Risen Star. Nova fights back to his feet, trying to get those hands off him, but this time, he struggles. It isn’t until he hits a few elbows backward that he’s able to get some relief, and when he does, he hooks Colton’s arm, hiptossing him back to the canvas. Colton tries to scramble, but is hit in the back of the head with a jumping calf kick to the back of the head. Nova then bounces off the ropes, launching from the bottom rope over with a body splash. He hooks the leg.
Nick Stuart: Lot’s of action to start this one off!
Richard Parker: There is a snap to everything. Which is surprising. I mean, Nova is technically dead, and have you seen the pictures of that number following Colton around?
Nick Stuart: Richard…it’s unprofessional to–
Richard Parker: That woman could dance the Charleston…she could beatbox…she could be filming videos shaving her armpits. Doesn’t change anything. Still hot. Indiana boy punching WAAAAY out of his league.
Nick Stuart: I would be remiss to not mention that we here in PRIME do not condone the reporting of one Savannah Scandal in regards to all this.
Richard Parker: Lather them up with Barbasol and just go to town. Someone will pay for it. Not me. Definitely not me. Not even if done with a cheap pink razor.
All this weird fetish talk totally didn’t happen on air, especially not as Colton tries to shake the cobwebs from the blow of the kick. Nova is up, and, with a seated Nate, he throws a kick that sounds throughout the Footprint Center. Lots of ooowies there. A close shave. Wait…no…nothing about that. After all, it isn’t beautiful woman armpits. SO ANYWAYS…Nova goes and hits another kick, and another. Chopping the big ole Hoosier tree. The red outline covers Colton’s chest. He grimaces. Not Grimace. It’s his birthday month. Purple shake purple shake purple shake. Sorry. Must’ve gotten into Nov’s secret stash. Keef Big Mac’s are probably a thing with him, especially after eating a lot of prison food.
Another kick, but this time, Nate Colton begins to rise. The next kick fires out, lashing across his chest. The Next Diamond begins shaking his balled fists, as if demanding another. And this time, Nova aims for the head. Colton ducks it. And on the spin?
Nick Stuart: EXPLODER SUPLEX FROM NATE COLTON! COVER!
Colton isn’t stopping, yanking The Risen Star back up with him, hitting a back suplex. No pin attempt. He’s booking it as Nova struggles to get up. WATCH OUT! FLYING HOOSIER COW! HOOSIER DADDY RUNNING FOREARM TO THE HEAD! IT’S A THING! TOTALLY A THING! IT’S NOW IN NATE COLTON’S BIO! HOOSIER. DADDY. I’M HILARIOUS! What isn’t hilarious is how scrambled Nova seems to be from the blow, the velocity, the weight. I mean, the bit isn’t funny either, but hey, the move looks nasty when it’s hit so snuggly.
Nick Stuart: Nate Colton making Nova have to expend extra energy with all these kickouts, forcing him never get a breather.
Richard Parker: I am sure it’s not like Nater has been busy getting close with–
Nick Stuart: Richard.
Richard Parker: What?
Nick Stuart: Stop. It.
Richard Parker: What?
Nick Stuart: You know what. This is a match up between a Hall of Famer and one of PRIME’s young star studs. One of these men could very well be in the main event of UltraViolence vying for the Universal Championship. And here you are, wilding out in the open.
Richard Parker: Wilding?
Nick Stuart: Google it.
Richard Parker: Alright alright…both these men, despite the feeling of latent respect shared given their cornball whitebreadedness…they’ve been throwing some heavy volleys at the other. And it’s clear just how much that shot could mean to both men.
Colton brings Nova back to his feet, whipping into the near corner. With a charge, he launches himself driving his whole body into Nova’s with a Colton Splash. The follow up? The Next Diamond grabs onto Nova, perching him on the top rope.
Richard Parker: Uh oh…
Nick Stuart: Risky maneuver possibly coming up…
Richard Parker: A game changer or a game loser.
Nate Colton begins to climb the ropes, and when he gets up, he latches onto Nova. It’s obvious what he’s going for; a superplex. He grabs a handful of his opponent’s waistband, and goes to lift him up, but Nova manages to deadweight and block the momentum. Another try is met with a headbutt. And another and another. Nate Colton has no chance but to let go. He nearly falls backwards from the top, but manages to regain his balance. In the meantime? Trying to reset position, Nova manages to get him with a double underhook.
Nick Stuart: DOUBLE ARM DDT FROM THE TOP ROPE!
Richard Parker: OH MY HOYT!
Nick Stuart: WHAT A MOVE! WHAT AN UPSET! NOVA WITH THE COVER! HE’S GOING TO TROPICAL TURMOIL AND HAS A CHANCE TO REWRITE THAT CHAPTER OF HIS CAREER! COVER!
Turnbull’s hand hits the canvas, but at the very last second, and I mean, the last possible second, Nate Colton kicks out.
Nick Stuart: OH MY! OH MY! NATE COLTON IS STILL ALIVE!
Richard Parker: HIS BRAINS HAVE TO BE SCRAMBLED!
That’s for Turnbull, right?
Richard Parker: YES! HOYT WILLIAMS HAS ARRIVED! ALL PRAISE TO HOYT, BOTH THE FATHER AND SON, AND CECILWORTH THE HOLY GHOST!
Hoyt’s saunter has yet to catch Nova’s attention. He’s too busy climbing the top rope, looking to punch his ticket to Tropical Turmoil. But Jimmy Turnbull sees. Sees as Hoyt gets onto the ring apron. He admonishes him, trying to clear him out before any chicanery takes place. But Hoyt makes no fuss. His hands are out, his words carrying no malice at all, he just wants to see things up close and personal. Or maybe there’s something more being said, something a lot more witty and charismatic, because that’s the MO of Your Most Photogenic Personal Savior. What’s that scent in the air? Does Jimmy of The Cholera or the Typhoid? Is he The Oregon Trail Man? The GQ Christ reaches out, and ensures Jimmy’s deteriorating health is stopped cold in its tracks.
Nick Stuart: The Faith Heal Touch! Oh no!
Richard Parker: What are you Oh Noing, Nick? It’s the REVIVAL BAAAAAAYBEE! And what would the ReVival if it didn’t get a little Pentecostal?
Turnbull falls to the canvas, stiff as a board.
And out of the crowd, the Brothers. Brother Privilege shoves Nova from the top rope, causing him to crash into the canvas. Staggering to his feet, Brother Hypocrisy absolute obliterates him with The Golden Bible.
Nick Stuart: HOYT WILLIAMS AND HIS LACKEYS HAVE RUINED THIS MATCH!
Richard Parker: No…they’ve SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVED it!
The damage done, Hoyt smirks his thousand watt snake oil smile and beckons his minions to part with him. There is no sea rising, just a chorus of boos.
Nick Stuart: And…and…Nate Colton is starting to rise.
Richard Parker: Nova is right off a bender on Bourbon Street…spaghetti legged and barely holding together.
Colton doesn’t ask any questions, foggy from the top rope double arm DDT he suffered. He just grabs onto Nova, taking him out with a russian legsweep.
Nick Stuart: This…I’m so sad about this…
Jimmy Turnbull is coming to. He rises from the ring, a spring in his step. A wide smile on his face. Euphoria. He could wrestle a tiger. It’s like he’s been kissed by his deepest crush after she’s confessed she loves him. Colton keeps up, hitting an inverted suplex. Nova has no defense. Nor does he when Colton follows up with a ring rattling Colton Clutch Suplex.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Your winner! And advancing…to THE TROOOOOOOOOOOOPICAL! TURMOOOOOOOOIL! MAAAAAAAAATCH! NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE! COOOOOOOOOOOOOLTON!
Nick Stuart: It’s a damn shame this match had to end this way.
Richard Parker: I don’t think so. Sinners must be punished…
Nick Stuart: Nate Colton, when he finds out about this…he’s going to be livid. And Nova? I imagine he can’t wait to get his hands on Hoyt and put an end to this once and for all.
We then cut to a commercial.