ULTRADIAMONDS 2023: NIGHT ONE
From commercial, we see the shadow of Soldier Field, the Waldron Parking Deck sits quiet. A few straggling fans here and there, a couple tailgaters who couldn’t afford tickets to the show, maybe even some folks who only want all that big show atmosphere without having to deal with the crowds. The camera pans between the rows of cars until it settles on an obnoxiously large pickup truck with the engine still running.
The windows are tinted pitch black. Four dirty mattresses are piled into the bed sideways, each one dirtier than the last. Neon lights line the trim and undercarriage, every color of the rainbow. Waylon Jennings’ “I’m a Ramblin’ Man” blasts from inside, a subwoofer turning the bassline into a pure, unadulterated rumble. The camera zooms in on the license plate, lit bright by the neon and surrounded by a novelty rhinestone-bedazzled frame…
No one can be surprised when the driver’s side door opens and The Rhinestone Cowboy himself steps out, dressed in what would have been his ‘Super Special Ultra Cool Big Fight Daytona PPV Gear’. We’re talking fringe for days, folks. We’re talking snakeskin boots with the spurs. We’re talking a perfect approximation of Michaelangelo’s ‘Creation of Adam‘ on the back of his jacket made entirely of intricately placed rhinestones and delicate embroidery, the visage of the titular Adam replaced by Daytona himself.
We’re talking money.
Daytona doesn’t even bother to acknowledge the cameraman. Instead, he walks around to the back of the truck and opens the gate, pulling out the mattresses one by one and dutifully laying them out on the ground side by side in a lopsided square. After momentarily inspecting his work, Daytona nods to himself before going back around to the passenger side door. He rifles around in the floorboards before returning with a a cardboard box.
With the box placed on the gate of the truck, Daytona reaches in to pull out three things: a megaphone, a t-shirt, and a hastily made sharpie-on-poster-board sign that he tapes to the back of the truck. It reads “ULTRADIAMONDS 2023 PRESENTED BY DAYTONA DIAMONDS AND NO ONE ELSE I DID IT BY MYSELF” in big, bold letters. Daytona climbs into the bed of the truck, the t-shirt draped over his shoulder and the megaphone in hand. The megaphone screeches to live as the switch is flipped to ‘on’. Daytona speaks through the mouthpiece, his voice turned into a booming echo.
Daytona Diamonds: How we doin’ out there tonight, PRIMEorillas?! If y’all don’t know me by now, I reckon you ain’t been payin’ enough attention.l! My name is Daytona Diamonds! The Rhinestone Cowboy! The King of the Rodeo! The Only Daddy That’ll Walk the Line! I’d like to be the first to welcome each and every all y’all to UltraDiamonds 2023! Hot damn, let’s hear them cheers!
There’s no applause. There’s barely even a reaction. A few people wandering through the parking deck stop to watch, scratching their heads and looking confused. This doesn’t seem to dissuade Daytona at all.
Daytona Diamonds: I know, I know. Y’all are probably askin’ y’allselves, ‘now what in the good god dang is UltraDiamonds 2023? That’s a fair question and I reckon it deserves a fair answer. Y’see, folks, there’s been an absolute tragedy occurin’ tonight just a few yards away from where my snakeskin boots are standin’ right this very second. PRIME, my so-called employer, has decided in their infinite wisdom to hold a so-called Supershow right over there in so-called Soldier Field… and they done went and done it without bookin’ ol’ Daytona in a match! That’s what we call leavin’ money on the table, folks! On top of all that, they’ve fined me twice for excercisin’ my God given right to defend myself ‘gainst those lowdown, good for nothing chucklefucks they call cameramen! That ain’t just wrong! That’s downright un-American!
Daytona pauses, a pained expression crossing his face as he shakes his head. His eyes harden and his lower lip trembles as he tries to collect himself, taking a deep breath before continuing on.
Daytona Diamonds: …that’s why I’ve decided to take all them lemons and turn ’em into god dang lemonade! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m givin’ the people what they want! Y’all see them mattresses?! That’s a ring right there! Tonight and tomorrow, The Rhinestone Cowboy is welcomin’ all challengers! That’s right! You, my adorin’ fans, have the chance to wrassle me for the low, low price of twenty dollars a pop! Just imagine, if’n you can! You ever wanted to square up with a genuine superstar? You ever wanted to know what it’s like to stand toe to toe with greatness? Well, here’s your chance! And! If you manage to pin me and beat my undefeated streak… ?
Daytona pulls the t-shirt from his shoulder and holds it up for the camera to see; a black t-shirt with white text (cheaply) screen printed on: I Fought Daytona Diamonds and He Let Me Win.
Daytona Diamonds: …why, hell! You might just win yerself a premium, limited edition, all cotton, commemorative t-shirt! That’s a fuckin’ deal, babies!
Looking directly into the camera, Daytona tips his hat as a wide, shit-eating grin curls at the edges of his lips.
Daytona Diamonds: So, what’re y’all waitin’ fer? Get outta that dang ol’ arena, don’t worry ’bout them matches ain’t nobody wanna see, walk your asses cross the street, and come see the real show! UltraDiamonds 2023, y’all! Whoo!
As the camera starts to fade, we can hear Daytona’s voice one last time, barely picked up by the camera’s mic.
Daytona Diamonds: Fuckin’ rubes. Easy money, baby. God dang easy money. Hey! You ain’t still recordin’, are ya?! You no good sonuvabitch, get over here!
We then cut to the backstage area.