ULTRADIAMONDS 2023: NIGHT TWO
Back from our quick comemrcial break, we are, once again, in the shadow of Soldier Field, the Waldron Parking Deck sits… but this time, it’s anything but quiet.
Ten or twenty people have gathered there on the top deck, each one cheering and jeering and foaming from the mouth. They’re bloodthirsty. They’re ravenous. They’re watching a genuine spectacle, hands lifting up to wave twenty dollar bills in the air. The truck is still there, the headlights pointed into the center of the crowd. The camera moves to look through a gap in the people… and there’s Daytona Diamonds, teeth bared and a bloody nose pouring red down his chin, eyes gone crazed, his shirt ripped away. He almost looks feral.
There’s another man on the mattresses beneath him, in his early twenties and screaming bloody murder, tapping his hand frantically on the ground m Daytona has him in a single leg Boston Crab, his right foot stomping on the man’s head. A fat guy in a striped t-shirt is ringing a cowbell furiously, but Daytona isn’t letting go. Instead, he’s screaming.
Daytona Diamonds: This is what you get when you fuck with the wrong cowboy, compadre! Teach you to punch me in the god dang nose! Fuckin’ peckerwood! This is what you get!
When he finally relents and lets go of the man’s leg, he does it with a sneer. The crowd cheers and the cowbell stops, the man in the striped shirt lifting up Daytona’s arm. Daytona pulls his arm seat, wiping the blood away from his nose before he climbs into the hood of the truck, standing above the crowd with both arms outstretched.
Daytona Diamonds: Are you not entertained?!
Daytona Diamonds: I said, are you not entertained?
Daytona Diamonds: You’re god dang right you are! What’s that make now, huh? Twelve wins, zero losses? I told y’all you could wrassle The Rhinestone Cowboy, but I never said it were gonna be easy… ‘specially when you done gone and pissed on my petunias like that Yankee Doodle Dicknose right there!
Daytona sneers and spits towards the fan he was just fighting. The camera follows after the fan as his friends help him to his feet, carrying him away from the crowd.
Daytona Diamonds: Hey! You! Cameraman! Quit filmin’ that fuckin’ loser and point that thing back at me! I got some shit to say!
The camera jostles as it turns back to Daytona, still standing on the hood of the truck above the gathered crowd. He points his hand out towards Soldier Field, pushing his hair back away from his face as he looks towards the stadium.
Daytona Diamonds: Look at that. You see all them bright lights? You hear all them cheerin’ fans? Why, they’re havin’ on helluva hootenanny over yonder, ain’t they? I reckon they’re real proud of themselves, huh? Bet they made a real killin’, didn’t they? Two whole nights of god dang wrasslin’ on a big ol’ stage! But you know what they ain’t got…?
A wry smirk curls at the edges of Daytona’s lips.
Daytona Diamonds: They ain’t got this! They ain’t got UltraDiamonds 2023! They ain’t got you or me! They can call it a supershow all they want, but ain’t nothin’ super about it without Daytona Diamonds on the card! Ain’t that right?!
Some of the fans cheer. Others mumble amongst themselves, not fully on board the runaway ego train. Others are looking away from the crowd as approaching sirens echo in the distance. As the sirens get closer, some of the fans begin to turn and walk away from the crowd.
Daytona Diamonds: Hey now! Where y’all goin’?! The fun’s just gettin’ started! C’mon now! You boys ain’t scared of an ass kickin’ from The Rhinestone Cowboy, are ya?!
As if on cue, blue and red lights appear from off screen, illuminating Daytona and the quickly dispersing crowd. A squad car pulls into view and Daytona audibly groans, throwing up his arms as he hops down from the hood of the truck. Hands on his hips and trying his best to look nonchalant, the squad car’s doors open and two Chicago police officers step out.
Daytona Diamonds: Well, howdy there, officers! How’re y’all doin’ tonight? Keepin’ the streets safe, ain’tcha? I just want y’all to know, I think you’re a couple-a heroes.
Officer A: Uh… thank you, sir. Care to tell us what’s going on here?
Daytona Diamonds: Oh, nothin’ too much, I reckon. Little tailgatin’, little horse playin’. You know how these sportin’ events can get.
Officer B: Well, we got reports of some fighting happening here in the parking garage…
Daytona Diamonds: Fightin’?! Lord have mercy, ain’t people got no sense? I ain’t seen no fightin’, pal. Just a bunch of wrasslin’ fans gettin’ all revved up and maybe a little rowdy. Ain’t no harm in that, right? Just some good, clean, all ‘Merican fun.
Officer A: …sir, you’re covered in blood.
At that, Daytona shrugs his shoulders, just as shocked as they are, doing his best to play dumb even as he laughs nervously, smiling with blood between his teeth.
Daytona Diamonds: Well, gosh darn it! I… get nose bleeds sometimes is all. Real spurtin’ sons of bitches.
Both officers take a moment to observe the scene while Daytona shifts back and forth on his feet, arms crossing over his bare chest as his nerves get the better of him. The mattresses on the ground, the UltraDiamonds 2023 sign hanging from the truck, the cameramen dutifully filming on, and Daytona himself, this absurd caricature of a human being pulled directly from the remnants of a broken, frayed, tattered man. Both cops sigh in unison.
Officer B: Well, I think it might be best if you pack up your things and leave the parking deck, sir.
Daytona Diamonds: Oh, well, I reckon that wouldn’t be a problem, officer. I was just fixin’ to head out, actually. Hit the ol’ dusty trail, as it were.
Officer A: Alright then, sir. You have a good night.
Daytona Diamonds: You betcha! You two have fun out there protectin’ and servin’ like the heroes you are!
As the cops turn to walk away, Daytona looks directly at the camera, a shit-eating grin on his face as he rolls his eyes and shakes his head, the blood from his nose finally starting to dry.
Daytona Diamonds: Well, folks, looks like the ol’ Rhinestone Cowboy done went and weaseled his way outta another sit-chu-way-shen, huh? Bet y’all thought I was done fer, didn’tcha? That just goes to show, you can’t keep a good cowboy down, even if’n Johnny 5-0 gets hisself involved. I fight who I wanna fight, do what I wanna do, and dang it, I get paid. Say, y’all wanna hear a joke ‘fore I get to moseyin’ on? Alright, alright… what do you call a cop in a sleepin’ bag?
Daytona bites at his lower lip as he stares into the camera, trying to hold back his own laughter.
Daytona Diamonds: …a pig in a blanket! Ha! Now, ain’t that a knee slappe–
Officer B (Off Screen): You know we can still hear you, right?
All at once, all of Daytona’s smirking egotism fades to a wide-eyed frown. The cops step back into the camera frame, one of them already reaching for the handcuffs.
Daytona Diamonds: …well, shit.
Within ten seconds, Daytona’s bent over the hood of the police car with his wrists handcuffed behind his back, screaming obscenities as the cops read him his Miranda rights… and just like that, UltraDiamonds 2023 ends just like it was always destined to: with Daytona Diamonds, patron saint of lost causes, getting stuffed into the back of a cop car and hauled away.
Thank God, right?
We then cut back to the ringside area.