UNIVERSAL TITLE: CANCER JILES (C) vs. HAYES HANLON
Nick Stuart: Well here we are, Colossus revived, the main event, and we have Cancer Jiles, our PRIME Universal Champion, whom everyone is aware of.
Richard Parker: Unfortunately.
Nick Stuart: Against our rookie. The kid. Hayes Hanlon. Win or lose tonight it’s been a HELL of a year for him but to cap it off on this level with PRIME Universal gold? Wow.
Richard Parker: Everyone knows how I feel about this match.
Nick Stuart: Yes. Yes, we do. Anyway, let’s get to ringside for the introductions!
When the PRIME*View lights up and we find ourselves floating in space, it’s usually a sign that we’re approaching the Event Horizon.
And indeed, we are. That colossal black hole looms in the distance, an ominous hum vibrating through Madison Square Garden as we soar past nebulas, planets, and stars.
But something’s different this time. A building guitar ripping through the speakers carries a forceful energy, the screen starting to shake violently. It grows louder, and louder.
Until it explodes, and huge block letters take over the screen to follow with the music.
“WHEN MY BACK’S TO THE WAAALLLL!!!”
I
WILL
CON
QUER
The speakers and amplifiers hold on for dear life as “Daggers” by We Came as Romans absolutely bludgeon the eardrums. And speaking of explosions, those planets and stars on the PRIME*View do just that, bursting into blinding eruptions of violent light.
This carries into the arena as well. Rumbling flashbulbs explode in various points throughout the arena. From the ceiling, in the stands, one after another. If you brought your kids, PRIME is not responsible for their inevitable visit with the optometrist.
And then, from the ramp, the Event Horizon.
“I SEE THE MOUNTAIN AHEAD, I FEEL THE THUNDER ROAR!
I FEEL THE FURY WITHIN, BUT LOUDER THAN BEFORE!”
The Challenger marches forward. No posing. No Uplifting chorus from his previous music. No fan service. Just a powerful mustache sitting on a determined face, black boots thudding down the ramp as the Madison crowd turns into a fucking mosh pit.
Vince Howard: MADISON SQUARE GARDEN! FINAL BOUT OF THE EVENING IS FOR THE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!
They’d “ruaaahhh,” but you’d never hear it.
Vince Howard: FIRST, FROM WEST LINN, OREGON! STANDING SIX FEET, THREE INCHES AND WEIGHING IN AT TWO-HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE POUNDS!! A FORMER FIVE STAR CHAMPION!
Hayes climbs the apron, stepping through, b-lining for the turnbuckle.
Vince Howard: HAMMERIN’ HANLON! HOME RUN HAYES! THE EVENT HORIZON!!
Up on rope, then the second, chest and jaw jutting out, and a thumb to his neck.
Vince Howard: HAAAAYEEEESSSS!!! HAAAAAAANNNLLLOOONNNNNN!!!!
And he drags it across his throat with the chorus.
“DRAW! THE! DAGGER!
CUT OUT THE PAIN! TO FIND THE POWER!”
He hops down, making way to the next post to repeat the process one more time.
“DRAW! THE! DAGGER!
CUT OUT THE PAIN!”
I
WILL
CON
QUER
Nick Stuart: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS TIME!!! And the rookie is making sure we know it!
Richard Parker: What???
Nick Stuart: The ReVival of PRIME has been a master chapter in its history! So many moments, so many stories told! And it started with this. Young. Man. Hayes Hanlon, who kicked off PRIME’s return with a victory against Cecilia Ryan. Hayes Hanlon, the first champion crowned at Culture Shock back in February when he won the Five Star Title. The ReVival started with him, and now he gets an opportunity to let our first year back end with him. Here! Now! For the Universal Title!
Richard Parker: (A finger in his ear) HUH?????
Meanwhile, the music has started to trail off, and Hayes returns to the mat, stalking the ring and rolling his shoulders, all while those dark eyes stay pinned on the entrance ramp.
Nick Stuart: I’m not going to lie but I’m kind of looking forward to this.
Richard Parker: You should have to eat a bar of soap for saying something like that.
The lights slowly draw to a dim.
Then.
Complete black.
A chill ominously moves through the air, and a bird, possibly a gull of sorts, can be heard beckoning amongst the night.
Nick Stuart: I can’t believe it.
Suddenly, the PRIME-vision, or whatever Hayes was calling it, jolts to life. Up on the big screen the squawking bird, or possibly gull of sorts, is seen flying high above a snow capped mountain.
A bird’s eye view of COOLYMPUS.
Then, the drum of the wolf begins to beat. Louder and louder it gets until eventually it becomes deafening.
Richard Parker: What language is this?
Nick Stuart: Red.
A spotlight shines, and there, standing atop the PRIME-vision which now flashes the word COOLOSSUS, is Cancer Jiles. His hair radiates with a golden glow of determination, and his T-shades are just waiting for someone to snort a line of coke off of them.
RIP.
Nick Stuart: Just how in the hell does he plan on getting down from there?
Richard Parker: If he jumps or falls he forfeits the title, so hopefully one of those two ways.
Out from stage left, Beautiful Bobby Dean and Freddy Doozerhew, Cancer’s brethren of the yolk and shell, wheel out a massive spiral staircase. Said spiral staircase is reminiscent of the one that led up to COOLYMPUS at the MGM Grand.
Nick Stuart: Well what do you know?
Conveniently enough for the Champion the staircase lines up with the top of the PRIME-vision.
Nick Stuart: Some guys got all the luck.
Richard Parker: I’d love to know how they even got that out of Las Vegas. Or inside The Garden. Or anywhere actually.
“Wolf Totem” by The Hu continues to destroy The Garden’s collective ears as the UNIVERSAL Champion, Cancer Jiles, with salted foot, slowly, confidently, and methodically stalks his way down the spiral stairs.
Nick Stuart: How high is that? Thirty feet?
After winding around and around a few times the COOLYMPIAN safely reaches the floor. The spotlight that follows him down the steps abruptly shuts off, as does the wolf cry reverberating about Madison Square Garden. Seconds, that seem like forever, pass. Then, in the silence, and in the dark, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins fabled classic comes to life. Coinciding with the massive guitar riff that opens the song are a set of pyros that would lead you to believe the show was finishing, and not just beginning.
Wink.
“I’m the one your mama warned you about”
“When you see me, I will leave you no doubt”
“I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth”
“I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth”
Fiery molotovs go on, and on, and on; scorching the air around them. The volley lasts so long it’s noticeable that Lindsay Troy has joined the Bandits out on the entrance ramp. Moreover, she appears more than ready to do the customary and time honored tradition that is Jiles gets to have his UNIVERSAL Championship for the night. There is a brief, hopefully cordial exchange between the two. The Champ even lowers his T-shades and drops down to one knee, but quickly pops back up after spying Bobby clutching at his heart and Doozerhew going invisible.
Nick Stuart: Wonder what that was about?
Richard Parker: Who cares.
The COOLYMPIAN turns to face the ring, and holds impossible above his head for all to see.
“I am the COOL”
15 pyro salute.
Nick Stuart: There he is, Rich. In all of his pomp and circumstance glory. The very definition of spectacle, and grandiose, and overkill. The Closer. The MAIN EVENT. PRIME’S UNIVERSAL CHAMPION, and the self righteous rabbit’s foot of the eGG Bandits, Cancer Jiles.
Richard Parker: He needs to lose. Here. Now. Or else.
Nick Stuart: Or else what?
Richard Parker: Or else it’s going to be a long break.
The smoke clears from pyromania. The lights kick back on. Jiles makes the short walk down to the ring, leaving his Bandits to wheel away the spiral staircase. Like a cockroach he sneaks under the bottom rope, quickly pops up to his feet, and ridicules both challenger and referee. If you’re wondering how so, he rubs in their face that which they’ll never have. He even demands Nova put on a pair of gloves so as to not tarnish with “crumby” fingerprints.
Nick Stuart: Of course he brought a pair of gloves with him.
Richard Parker: I hate everything about this man. EVERYTHING. I can’t think of one redeeming quality he has… outside of his uncanny ability to generate massive amounts of money and heat. DAMN IT! I HATE HIM EVEN MORE NOW!
After begrudgingly handing over the weight he uses to keep PRIME beneath his salty boot the Champion takes his place in the corner and awaits the opening bell.
DING DING
Nick Stuart: Nova has called for the bell and we are… off!
Except when Hayes Hanlon makes the first move forward, eager to get this match underway with a white hot crowd…
Cancer Jiles strolls to a corner of the ring, pointing at Nova to give him a rope break.
Hayes raises his arms and waves Jiles forward, while also looking in Nova’s direction like they both know Jiles’ actions are nonsense. As the crowd cheers along… slowly… eventually… Jiles emerges from the turnbuckle padding. He walks right to the center of the canvas and stands eye-to-eye with Hayes.
Richard Parker: Let’s get this over with quickly!
Hanlon is ready to go. Nova anticipates the action is set to begin. The COOL takes a small step back, snorts…
And spits whatever fluid he sucked into his mouth at the soles of the challenger’s feet.
The crowd boos significantly upon the disrespect and Hayes Hayes looks down at his feet, shaking his head. He props his right fist, ready to drive it into Cancer Jiles’ skull when The COOLYMPIAN takes another step back, snorts…
Cocks his head and spits on the front of Nova’s referee boots!
Richard Parker: That’s a disqualification! I hate this guy! Do it, Nova! DQ RIGHT NOW!
Nick Stuart: I don’t think a DQ would be in ANYONE’S best interest, Richard! Not Hanlon. Nova. The fans! It’s an awful outcome!
Nova looks down at what sits on his boots and Cancer can’t help but give a shitfaced cackle. On the outside of the ring, Bobby and Fred hold each other in pure joy at what they’ve witnessed.
Finally, Hayes can’t hold back anymore. He throws a fist forward… but Jiles ducks it! Cancer pokes Hanlon in the eyes while Nova isn’t looking and he loads up for Terminal Cancer!
SWOOSH!
The Event Horizon ends up falling out of the ring in a hectic sequence of events.
Nick Stuart: I believe Jiles attempted Terminal Cancer, narrowly missed Hanlon but caught him off balance with a shoulder under the chin… sending Hanlon out of the ring!
Richard Parker: This isn’t just a spectacle, it’s THE spectacle and Cancer caught Hayes off guard.
With the challenger on the outside, Jiles sneers a cocky “I got him” look to Nova before bouncing off the far ropes and ejecting himself from the ring, straight into the same spot Cancer hit Hanlon before, under the chin, with a flying shoulder this time.
The eGG Bandits love what they see! Fred and Bobby cheer obnoxiously while Jiles gets to his feet, looks over at them with a deadpan expression as if suggesting “STOP HAVING FUN” just to be a dick. Then Jiles hurls Hanlon into the ring. The crowd, while obviously behind the challenger, hasn’t wavered in noise since it’s early in the match… but once they see Hayes standing in the middle of the ring, a concerned hush creeps over them.
Nick Stuart: Is Hayes… limping!?
He is, indeed. Hanlon clutches his knee inside the ring and Jiles smells blood on the outside. The COOL slides into the squared circle and immediately chop blocks the right leg out from The Event Horizon!
Nova’s face shows concern. However, he will clearly call the match down the middle as he watches Cancer Jiles drive boot after boot to the back of Hanlon’s knee cap.
Nick Stuart: Look, no injury is a GOOD injury. But a knee injury is going to be a difficult blow for Hayes, particularly since this is early in the match. And not only could it prevent Hanlon from executing his game plan, set up moves and finisher, Cancer is clearly one-hundred percent!
Richard Parker: Thanks for that.
Jiles lifts Hanlon to his feet and hurls him into a corner… but on one bad wheel, Hayes struggles to make it towards the buckle before crashing into it. Jiles glances over to Nova, grins and winks at the spit still crusted over on the referee’s boot. The champion charges the challenger in the corner and smacks into Hayes with a Stinger Splash.
Hanlon wobbles out and Jiles carefully eyes him as he does. Cancer positions himself for another chop block to the right leg but as he bursts forward, Hayes lifts his leg and Jiles runs into nothing!
The crowd comes alive as Hanlon spins around, snatching Jiles by the head…
And being hit with a jaw breaker instead!
Richard Parker: I’m going to be sick!
Hayes falls to the canvas, back first while Jiles takes a moment to collect himself. Then he lifts Hayes’ right leg and blasts the back of the knee with boot after boot after boot.
Jeers reign down. Hayes is struggling to fight Jiles off of him. It’s no use.
Nick Stuart: This is a real unfortunate turn of events and so early, too. Hayes was ready to go… Cancer’s indifference got the better of him.
With no sense of stopping, Hayes eventually makes it into the ropes so Nova walks over to administer a five count.
Cancer rolls his eyes. He pushes the count to FOUR, of course and then he snorts again but before anything else can happen, Hanlon uses the ropes to pull himself up and level Jiles with a clothesline! The crowd gains a second wind and seemingly Hayes Hanlon does the same. The Event Horizon slams his right fist into his right knee, knocking some of the pain out before bouncing off the ropes and driving into Jiles with a flying cross body block!
Hayes certainly has a limp but he’s working through the pain. Hanlon sees Jiles is up and the challenger drills Cancer with numerous forearm blows, working The Master of COOL into a corner.
There’s a brief period where Hayes continues driving forearms into Jiles until the champion screams at Nova to make the break and albeit, reluctantly, the referee does. Hanlon backs away, arms up as he keeps his eyes locked on Cancer. Standing in the middle of the ring, The Event Horizon seemingly mocks Cancer’s own body language as he snorts back and is ABOUT TO spit a huge gob of saliva forward until The Greek God of COOL emerges from the corner and runs right into a spinebuster for his troubles!
Nick Stuart: Hanlon tricked Jiles towards him!
Hanlon stands, pumping up the crowd as he waits for Jiles to rise again before scoop slamming him to the center of the ring. Cancer, however, not to be outdone, doesn’t stay down. While Hayes was looking for another offensive maneuver, Jiles is back up.
And straight back down with another slam.
Up…
And down.
Up…
And down.
It’s working the crowd into a frenzy!
Nick Stuart: Never before have I seen scoop slamming receive such an ovation!
Richard Parker: Well when you do it ONE HUNDRED times in a row…
Nick Stuart: It’s not ONE HUNDRED times, Richard.
Richard Parker: Feels like it!
Over and over again, Jiles doesn’t want to stay down but finally, Hayes places Jiles on his shoulders and powerslams Cancer in the center of the ring! Feeling the energy from the fans, Hanlon shoots into the ropes and performs a high angle leg drop.
Once his leg meets Cancer, Home Run Hayes rolls to his side and grabs his right knee!
Nick Stuart: No! He tweaked it again on the leg drop! Hanlon got too ahead of himself and was caught up in the moment…
Richard Parker: I swear, if Jiles walks away from Colossus as champion. This dipshit kid is not focused enough!
Nick Stuart: Perhaps he’s TOO focused.
Richard Parker: Uh, what?
It takes The COOL some time to recover after being slammed to the mat so many times. Nevertheless, The COOLOSSUS Main Event rests on his knees before reaching over and poking Hayes in the eyes.
Nova shouts at Jiles, while Jiles returns the disapproval with disapproval of his own, insinuating Cancer can do whatever the hell he wants. Jiles grabs his crotch and thrusts it towards the referee. Meanwhile on the outside of the ring, Bobby and Fred start screaming in Nova’s directions to lay off the champion, since, well, Nova already had his turn and lost.
Jiles reaches down for Hanlon…
Hayes fixes Cancer into a backslide pin!
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT!
Nick Stuart: Maybe that would’ve been anticlimactic but you have to win the match by any means possible when you’re in the main event!
Both men are up but Hayes is clearly holding in the pain he feels. He attempts a clothesline yet Cancer ducks it, spins Hayes around and tries for a snap suplex. Hanlon escapes. It looks like the challenger is going back on offense but Jiles swings across Hayes’ shoulders and catches the Oregon native with a swinging neck breaker!
Jiles shoots to the ropes and leaps off, clubbing Hayes with the front of his boots, a well timed dropkick into the hurt knee. Jiles peels Hayes off the mat and connects with a German suplex and a bridge.
ONE.
TWO.
SHOULDER UP.
The champion isn’t phased. He lifts Hanlon and walks him to a corner of the ring, placing Hayes on the second rope.
Nick Stuart: What’s he doing? Jiles is going up!?
Jiles lifts Hanlon onto the top rope. The champion joins him while the eGG Bandits cheer along.
Superplex.
Both men slam HARD into the center of the ring.
Nick Stuart: Well this IS Colossus!
Jiles floats over and hooks Hanlon’s leg.
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT!
The crowd comes alive once more but Jiles doesn’t seem to care. He drags the challenger to a vertical base and loads up for Terminal Cancer…
When Hayes moves out of the way, pushing Jiles off balance and bouncing into the ropes-
A picture perfect knee clip by The COOL follows and Hayes Hanlon screams out, holding both hands against his right knee as he falls to the mat.
Cancer looks over at Nova with a wink…
And a pucker.
And a kiss.
With a shit eating grin of his face, the Universal Champion pulls Hayes upright and lands a 3/4-turn neckbreaker with 180* turn into a reverse DDT!
Nick Stuart: Jiles stole Nova’s move, the No Value.
Richard Parker: That’s not all this schmuck’s about to steal.
It seems as though Cancer Jiles is looking for a death valley driver… Hanlon is trying to wiggle himself free but Jiles is determined to hit it…
Bobby and Fred cheer on the outside, while Dean takes a moment to ask his teammate if there’s any egg yolk on his back. Mayhew actually looks and tells Bobby he’s good.
Nick Stuart: Jiles has Hanlon on his shoulders!!!
Suddenly, it’s reversed! Hanlon has Jiles on his shoulders instead and a painstaking expression on his face.
The crowd ROARS with approval!
Nick Stuart: HAYES HIT CANCER WITH BOURBON FOR BREAKFAST!!!
It looks like the match would be over right then and there! The eGG Bandits have lost their bloody mind on the outside of the ring. Nova is ready to count the three…
And…
And…
Hayes Hanlon falls to the mat, clutching his knee again!
The crowd stands. They’re trying to will the challenger into making the pinfall. He, too, is trying his hardest to crawl over to Cancer Jiles, who happens to lay perfectly still in the center of the ring, back already on the canvas floor.
Nick Stuart: Hayes Hanlon nailed Cancer Jiles with Nova’s finishing move, all because Cancer was too much of a shit and wanted to do it first.
Richard Parker: Good. Get the title off Jiles!
Nick Stuart: I’m not sure, Rich. Hanlon is only now making his way to pin Jiles!
Hayes crinkles his face in agony as he’s finally there and drapes an arm over Cancer.
Nova counts.
ONE.
TWO.
LAST SECOND SHOULDER UP, THE CROWD GIVES A SIGH!
Nick Stuart: Dammit!
Bobby and Fred jump for joy on the outside as Hayes looks up at Nova, but the vet begrudgingly tells the challenger it was only a two. Hanlon nods and is about to pull himself up when Cancer immediately locks onto Hayes’ right leg!
Nick Stuart: Cancer has him, CANCER HAS HIM!
Jiles has worked Hayes into a half Boston crab, dead center of the ring…
And it doesn’t look good!
Hanlon screams, waving his arms around, trying to reach for the ropes but realizing he’s way too far away!
Nick Stuart: I’m not sure Jiles is one to really work the submissions but nevertheless, there’s no messing around in the MAIN EVENT of Colossus, with his title on the line!
Richard Parker: Thank you for not saying COOLOSSUS.
Nick Stuart: And why would I do something stupid like that!?
Jiles leans back, a clever smirk appearing on the corners of his lips. His eyes now lock to Nova, knowing the referee is going to have to call for the bell and witness the submission first hand. It’s just a matter of time.
A matter of time…
Of time…
Hanlon places both arms on the canvas and pushes up, in an attempt to move himself closer to the ropes. He slides across the canvas, only slightly. He’s now – – – – – – – this far away.
Cancer continues to lean back. He knows Hayes moved but it wasn’t much. Jiles keeps track of his surroundings. Bobby and Fred hold each other tight, they are straight across from Jiles. The Bandits shout encouragement to their champion and also remind Hayes Hanlon he had a shot to join the three of them but took the hard way out.
Fred laughs about being “over hard”. Bobby scratches his head, not catching on. Regardless, inside the ring…
Hayes makes a play towards the ropes.
This – – – – – – far away.
The Event Horizon knows A LOT more work needs to be done. This is Colossus. This CAN be his moment, if he can simply find a way to push up and off the canvas once more.
He does!
This – – – – – far away!
And he does again.
This – – – – far away!
Jiles’ confident face turns to one of concern. A ‘WTF is going on!?’ expression, as he glances down from the half Boston crab he has on the challenger and realizes they are now…
This – – – far away!
It’s time for the home run swing. It’s time to put every last bit of energy Hayes has before allowing the pain to become too much. He pushes up and off the canvas again.
He doesn’t move an inch this time, no. Instead…
He’s now – this far away!!
RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
He’s right there! The crowd screams in a panic, watching the challenger make one desperate move towards the ropes. He pushes off the mat, reaches out…
And now he’s – – – – – – – – this far away!!
Nick Stuart: NOOOO!! Jiles drags Hanlon to the middle of the ring!
Richard Parker: It’s not even the middle of the ring! It’s PAST the middle of the ring!
The match could be over. The pain is too much for Hayes Hanlon…
When somehow, the challenger slips onto his right shoulder and pushes Cancer Jiles off his leg, while also taking hold of Jiles’ legs and looping him into a small cradle!
ONE.
TWO.
BARELY A KICKOUT FROM A SHOCKED CANCER JILES!
The crowd bought into the three but Jiles hits the ropes and punts Hayes Hanlon square in the face, taking the momentum back!
Then Cancer spits on the canvas and grabs his balls, in the process of regaining his wrestling senses.
Nick Stuart: Cancer thought he was in TOTAL control there, only for the tables to turn! A brilliant call by Hayes, who used Cancer’s momentum, dragging the two of them back to the center of the ring, to slip onto his side, push off and also make a strong inside cradle pinfall attempt!
Now with his whereabouts, Jiles leans down cautiously to lift Hayes onto his knees. Not wanting to be roped into an inside cradle, or anything else, Jiles is ready to pull away not a moment too soon.
With Hayes on his knees, Jiles kicks the challenger in the chest over and over again to a chorus of boos. After what seems like the tenth straight kick, Hanlon’s chest is beet red and Cancer Jiles is grinning from ear to ear.
Jiles hits the ropes and plants a perfect missile dropkick in Hanlon’s chest.
Nick Stuart: Jiles isn’t focusing on Hanlon’s knee, at the moment. Just whatever he can do to put the challenger away.
The COOLYMPIAN turns to Nova and winks at the referee again before dragging Hanlon onto his feet.
Nick Stuart: Terminal Cancer incoming.
Richard Parker: I can’t look…
Jiles goes for the superkick but holds back at THE LAST possible second, seeing Hayes flinch to the side. Instead, Jiles jabs Hanlon in the throat, follows with a back rake and then a running release suplex.
Nick Stuart: Jiles had Hanlon scouted!
Not to be outdone, however, The COOLOSSUS Main Event tosses Hayes Hanlon into the ropes and loads up for Terminal Cancer…
SMACK-
SWOOOOOOOSSSHHHH!
Hanlon ducks the shot! A surprised Cancer Jiles turns around and is lifted up by Hanlon in a stalling and high impact Samoa drop!
The crowd is rallying again, as Hayes shoots to his feet and sucks the pain back from his knee. He falls into one of the turnbuckle pads since he’s having a hard time standing upright. Then he slams the pad with his hands to fire himself up. He takes a running charge at Jiles-
WHAM!
STRAIGHT INTO TERMINAL CANCER!
Richard Parker: AHHHHH SHIT!!!
Hanlon staggers around the canvas… he’s yet to fall down. His eyes roll into the back of his head. He’s wobbling around aimlessly, like a deadman on roller skates. He’s waiting to be put out of his misery, all while Cancer Jiles tries to collect himself in a corner of the ring.
THUMP.
Hayes falls to the mat.
Cancer Jiles scurries over and hooks the leg.
Nick Stuart: Goodnight. Damn, what an effort by Hayes.
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT!
RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Bobby Dean nearly has a heart attack! Fred Mayhew’s eyes bug out of his head! The crowd is going batshit insane! Even Nova has a smile on his face!
Nick Stuart: HAYES KICKED OUT FROM TERMINAL CANCER!
Richard Parker: You don’t see that very often!
Jiles, too, has a look of disbelief. He’s about to push Nova as hard as possible, thinking this is somehow the referee’s fault but nevertheless, Jiles peels Hayes Hanlon off the canvas and is ready to hit another when Fred Mayhew jumps onto the apron and starts screaming at Nova for doing a shitty job with the match.
Nick Stuart: C’MON! Get off the apron, Fred!
Jiles is about to hit another Terminal Cancer but Hayes Hanlon roars forward and clubs Jiles to the mat with a forearm smash… then another when Jiles gets back up… and another… another…
Suddenly, Cancer pops onto his feet and looks for the COOLYMPIAN YOLJK!
He sprays it…
HANLON COVERS HIS FACE IN THE NICK OF TIME!
Madison Square Garden loves it! Jiles is STUNNED as Hayes Hanlon pumps his fists up and down, feeling the energy of the crowd, ready to take the champion’s head off when Jiles lowers his own head in a sense of frustration.
SPLASH!!!!
And sprays Hanlon with COOLYMPIAN YOLJK!
Nick Stuart: NO WAY!!!
Richard Parker: The prick had a second helping!
Hanlon waves his arms around, while still stumbling on his bad wheel. It’s no use, however, The Event Horizon can’t see shit.
Neither did Nova.
Fred hops off the apron. He low-key high fives Bobby Dean while Cancer Jiles points to his massive eGG brain, as if telling Hayes Hanlon he was ready for Hanlon being ready.
Cancer Jiles shifts his eyebrows up and down like a clever video game villain when Nova looks his way and then at Hayes. The ref is trying to figure out what the hell is going on and if the mist was used or not.
Jiles won’t let Nova figure it out. He allows Hanlon to walk right into The COOL and be met with a double legged knee breaker to the face.
Hayes falls straight on his back and Cancer leaps on top of the challenger’s head and neck (likely to cover up the yolk), reaching out and hooking a leg in the process.
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT!
Both men get to their feet. Adrenaline is pumping through Hayes Hanlon as he shakes from head to toe, now removing the yolk from his eyes. The kid can see…
Barely.
The Event Horizon charges at Jiles but Jiles drops down and takes the ropes behind him so Hayes falls out of the ring. However, not to be outdone, Hanlon remains on the apron. He leaps onto the top rope and flies off with a flying headbutt to the face! It catches Jiles flushes under the chin… the champion is wobbling around himself now. In fact, both men are but for different reasons.
Hayes is still having a hard time seeing, plus the bad right knee. And Cancer Jiles’ head is throbbing from the headbutt.
Both men walk into each other in the middle of the ring.
Shot for shot commences.
BOOS when Jiles connects.
CHEERS when Hanlon does.
Back and forth they go, neither man giving in. Until Cancer says fuck it with his body language and kicks Hayes below the belt!
Nova shoots his hands in the air, figuring something was up but also knowing he can’t call what he didn’t see. Nova, too, was caught up in the blow for blow moment.
Richard Parker: Stoned again, I see!?
Nick Stuart: Not the case. Jiles was so clever with that boot. From Nova’s angle it doesn’t look like a low blow.
Jiles hits the ropes and runs right into a ring shaking powerslam!
Hayes shoots up from the mat. Once again, he’s feeling it and the crowd is feeling him. He falls into the corner of the ring and he climbs to the top.
Nick Stuart: Not sure this is a good call. Hanlon has the bad knee and all!!!
Flying elbow drop.
Hook of a leg.
ONE.
TWO.
SHOULDER UP!
Nova ensures Hanlon knows it’s a two count before the challenger goes for a Home Run. He peels off Jiles and rests on the ropes. He’s looking down at the champion… ready to call his shot…
Jiles, to his credit, is on his feet quickly.
But he doesn’t know where Hanlon is.
And Hayes has his eyesight back, too.
Hanlon kicks the dirt. He pushes his right arm back to make sure the “catcher” and “umpire” are a good distance away. He even readjusts his jock strap.
Hayes locks eyes with Cancer Jiles.
Hanlon spits on the champion’s shoes.
Cancer Jiles: HOW DARE YOU-
THE WALK OFF.
Nick Stuart: THE DOUBLE AXE HANDLE SMASH!!! RUN THE BASES, BOY! YOU’LL NEVER HIT A BIGGER HOME RUN IN YOUR LIFE!!!
There isn’t AS MUCH of a showboating trip around the bases as normal. After all, it’s COOLOSSUS and Hayes Hanlon is going to make sure that name is fixed.
Back to its original tagline.
The kid falls to his knees and hooks BOTH of Cancer Jiles’ legs.
ONE.
TWO.
A VERY LAST SECOND KICKOUT! NO, NOVA WASN’T CRAZY, IT WAS A KICKOUT!!!
Everyone groans! The fun has been sucked out of New York City. The only two enjoying it are at the apron… Fred Meyhew is fucking flabbergasted with excitement and Bobby Dean has tipped over, likely unable to stand on his two feet with how elated he is.
Hayes takes a DEEEEEEEPPPP breath as he figures out what to do next.
There’s only one call.
Hayes hits Cancer with Brandon Youngblood’s half nelson suplex-
That Cancer Jiles escapes!!!
WHACK!!
The air is sucked out of the arena!
The announcers don’t know what to say!
Bobby Dean has a bloody heart attack.
Fred Mayhew’s reaction can barely be seen. He’s as white as a ghost.
Cancer Jiles landed TERMINAL CANCER on Hayes Hanlon.
There’s no TIMBER!!! drop this time, either. Hayes is out. Done.
D.
O.
A.
Cancer barely has the wherewithal to know what’s going on. But his head bobbles around and a smile eventually crosses his face as he falls to the canvas and right on top of the challenger.
Nova’s hands shake as he falls to the mat and counts.
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT!
Nick Stuart: NO. WAY.
MGS is ROCKING like the party it’s supposed to be. Hayes Hanlon once again kicked out of Terminal Cancer.
Bobby’s having none of it. There will be NO MORE joy in the arena tonight. He hops onto the apron and grabs Nova by his referee shirt, practically pleading with the man to call for the bell and award the three count to Cancer Jiles.
Meanwhile, Fred Mayhew’s vanished. No one can see him.
…Until he reappears from under the apron, sliding a lead pipe into the ring.
The pipe stops PERFECTLY under Cancer Jiles’ shoes.
Those same shoes that were spit on.
But it’s easy to remain COOL when a serious weapon is at your feet. The COOLOSSUS Main Event leans over and takes hold of the pipe. He’s going to cement his place in the PRIME history books. Because this is HOW you do it…
Nick Stuart: I can’t look.
Jiles waits for Hanlon to rise from the canvas. Sure, Hayes kicked out but that may have been all the kid had left.
Bobby still has Nova by the throat.
Finally, Hayes is upright. Jiles throws the pipe back-
AND NOVA SNATCHES IT FROM CANCER!
Jiles’ eyes go wide as he turns around and walks right into Flash Point!
Nick Stuart: OUTTA NOWHERE!!
Hanlon hooks Jiles’ leg. Bobby doesn’t know WTF to do as Nova makes a count!!
ONE.
TWO.
KICKOUT!!!!
Jiles’ kickout is strong but it won’t put Hayes off his gameplan. The kid takes a stand while knocking the blood back into his right knee. Severe torment crosses his face, as The Event Horizon looks to ensure the championship isn’t on the horizon anymore…
It’s here.
EPOCH.
Nick Stuart: THE CHOKE BOMB CONNECTS!!! DEAR GOD!
ONE.
TWO.
Nick Stuart: THE BOYHOOD DREAM HAS COME TR-
KICKOUT!!!
Madison Square Garden can’t understand what they watched. Cancer Jiles, the champion, The COOL, The COOLOSSUS Main Event…
Just showed everyone why he is.
Hanlon closes his eyes as he wobbles to his feet. He runs both hands across his face and then tries his best at taking a relaxing breath. The kid is hoping to refocus… not to let Jiles’ resiliency get him down.
Hayes drags Cancer towards a corner of the ring, one of the corners FAR away from the eGG Bandits. He perches himself on the second rope…
And Hayes Hanlon delivers the SUPER MASSIVE.
The Burning Hammer puts Cancer Jiles motionless in the middle of the ring. Hayes Hanlon, absolutely exhausted, falls on top.
He can’t even hook a leg.
ONE.
TWO.
THREE!
DING DING DING
MSG explodes in cheers. The Event Horizon has done it, he’s PRIME World Champion!
Richard Parker: You mean maybe Cancer Jiles can ACTUALLY quit now!?
Nick Stuart: Let’s not take away this moment from Hayes Hanlon. Forget Jiles… WHAT A VICTORY!
Vince Howard: The winner of this match AAAANNNNDDDDDD NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW PRIME Universal Champion… HAYES HANLON!!!
Nova gives the strap over to the kid with a smile on his face before Hayes raises his hand in the process. Meanwhile, a VERY sad Bobby and Fred slip into the ring, rolling Cancer Jiles out of it.