WAR MUSIC
Returning backstage after the thrilling contest between a Fully Dicked Pterodactyl and the conductors of the Love Convoy, we find the Winds of Change as they enter the parking lot of PetCo Park. Neither of them are dressed for action, with Sid having an appearance close to a Secret Service agent (if said agent specialized in taking down the president’s enemies with powerbombs) and Joe… Well, Joe still likes wearing ridiculously gaudy bedazzled suits.
Sid Phillips: You know, I’m not that sure FLAMBERGE is going to want to talk to us.
Joe Fontaine: Why not? We’re on the same glue team now. Remember the group hug earlier in the month? That was awesome. Best group hug ever!
Sid Phillips: Okay, but he barely wanted to do it. Neither did Tyler. Or me. It was just you and Cecilworth out there wanting all of the hugs, and since it was the heat of the moment after what we did to Avalon, the only thing we could do was acquiesce.
They look around, passing by several of the parked vehicles, but haven’t seen FLAMBERGE or his vaunted FLAMBOrghini yet.
Joe Fontaine: Admit it, it was awesome.
Sid Phillips: It was something. I mean, I’m still not sure about this whole glue thing, honestly, but… oh, there he is.
Sid points in a direction, and the camera pans to find FLAMBERGE. He’s in the front seat of the car that has probably always been too much for him, or anyone; bright teal with bronze swords painted up the sides, FLAMBO vanity plates and all. And he turns the key with vigor, revving the engine loudly.
VROM VROMMMMMMMMMMM~~~
FLAMBERGE begins navigating his music library as Sid and Joe approach.
Joe turns to Sid.
Joe Fontaine: I got this.
He turns to FLAMBERGE and clears his throat.
Joe Fontaine: Salutations, ami lézard! Moi, c’est Joe Fontaine! Mon aéroglisseur reste plein d’anguilles!
Sid places his hand on his forehead. He doesn’t speak French, but he’s very positive that Joe doesn’t either.
Sid Phillips: …What.
The good news for Joe is that the FLAMBOrghini’s engine is loud. Quite loud. FLAMBERGE sees the tiny mirrored reflection of Joe and Sid in his side mirror and quickly turns with some surprise, and it is quickly clear that the Neck Collector didn’t hear a single thing Joe said. He shouts:
FLAMBERGE: Alors! Sid! And Joe, hello! Hold one moment!
The Frenchman turns off the car’s engine, and I’m not a car guy or anything but I hope he’s not hurting the engine when he does this so willy-nilly, it’s a very expensive car even with the permanent scent pollution Nate Colton caused.
FLAMBERGE: What word?
Joe Fontaine: I said hello!
Sid Phillips: He said something, a hello might have been in there somewhere.
Joe Fontaine: Yes. well…
Joe mutters something under his breath about his crash course in his French elective for his online college, before he smiles cheerfully at FLAMBERGE.
Joe Fontaine: We thought we’d come here to give you some moral support against the weird head-punting nihilist time chick.
Sid Phillips: Anna Daniels. And you thought this. I’m here to make sure you don’t do or say anything stupid, and clearly I’m doing a bad job at this since you’ve already done both of these things.
He nods to the FLAMBOrghini.
Sid Phillips: Sweet ride, by the way.
FLAMBERGE quickly eye-scans Sid from head to toe to head again before slowly blinking.
FLAMBERGE: Ouais, she is my pride and joy. And she will be the chariot I ride as I am forced to snuff out the flame of the Anna Fucking Daniels, and, eh, I think I have picked the war music to do this thing. Do you wish to listen?
Joe gives FLAMBO a cheesy thumbs up.
Joe Fontaine: Hell to the yes, my dude. Give us that siren song of her oblivion.
Sid just nods. FLAMBO grins and revs the engine a second time, and for goodness’ sake, won’t SOMEONE think of the high-end automotive machinery??
VROM VROMMMMMMMMMMM~~~
The French Phenom presses a button on his digital dashboard hub, and we hear a simple piano and drum loop, and then it fully kicks in…
♫ “ooh la la (feat. Greg Nice & DJ Premier)” by Run The Jewels ♫
OOOOOH LA LA, AH OUI OUI!
OOOOOH LA LA, AH OUI OUI!
OOOOOH LA LA, AH OUI OUI!
OOOOOH LA LA, AH OUI OUI!
FLAMBERGE: Want a ride to the Pier Six?
Joe smiles his stupid smile.
Joe Fontaine: Oui oui, my friend! Digging the tunes.
FLAMBERGE: I bet you do, biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-
The remaining letters and/or syllables of his last word fade into the night and are left to wild imaginative speculation as FLAMBERGE peels out of the parking lot, leaving Joe and Sid behind. The last we hear of the car’s soundtrack from our current vantage point is the start of Killer Mike’s first line:
FIRST OF ALL, FUCK THE FUCKIN’ LAW, WE IS FUCKIN’ RAW…
And we cut back to Joe and Sid. Joe stares off in the direction that the FLAMBOrghini has driven off to, confused about this turn of events.
Joe Fontaine: …He’s going to come back for us, right?
Sid stares at Joe, and then starts walking back into the building without another word.
Joe Fontaine: …Right?
He isn’t, but this information hasn’t dawned on Joe, who keeps asking “right?” all the way until we cut away from the scene.