WHATASAVIOR, WHATABURGER
The lights go out in Houston as the ACE viewers only see black with a smattering of cell phone lights.
Nick Stuart: Well, the time has come for the return of Hoyt Williams. I couldn’t be happier do you have your propaganda notes ready to go?
Richard Parker: Just because our savior Hoyt Williams is a professional and gives me notes to help share with the viewers, is no reason to be jealous Nick. Jealousy is a sin ole “Sinner” Stuart and Hoyt will make you pay.
Nick Stuart: Please.
“Reach out and touch faith…”
The opening line of the Depeche Mode classic “Personal Jesus” echoes through the land of Sam Houston and Ann Richards. The crowd pops for the music of the former Universal Champion despite his heelish ways. A strobe light flashes along to the iconic guitar riff as the crowd claps along in unison. A white cloud of smoke fills the entrance way.
Richard Parker: Just a reminder that when Hoyt Williams appears he is here to save us all!
Nick Stuart: Even me?
Richard Parker: Even you Nick Stuart!! As ALL ACE viewers in the state of Texas, tonight you can now use the coupon code “Hoyt Saves” to cut 20% off your next order placed through the Whataburger app!! Whataburger “We build a bigger, better burger.” Praise Hoyt!!
Suddenly the curtains open and out zips the homely Joe Burro holding up the golden bible of Hoyt’s Witnesses while riding on a white segway. A moment later the crowd pops again as hot on his trail riding a golden segway is Hoyt Williams in all his glory. He is wearing an all-white suit with a weird vertical opening like a Korean pop star or Star Trek IV: the voyage home uniform. A golden cape flows behind him as he speeds down the entrance way.
Richard Parker: Hoyt has asked me to remind all the sinners that he is a hall of famer. One of the longest reigning Universal Champions. A former 5-star champion. The PWI 2000 rookie of the year. He is the longest reigning undefeated champion in the HISTORY of our sport! God once handed him God’s Title on this very program over ten years ago and remains undefeated still.
Nick Stuart: More like undefended. You started strong Parker but missed the landing.
Richard Parker: He is a Hollywood star, a best selling author, a motivational icon, the original spokesmen for Flex Seal tape, a fitness guru, a JABBER influencer, the Pontiff of Prime, the pope of the piledriver, the lord of the under and over world…..thee second coming…your personal Jesus and Mine he is Hoyt Williams.
Nick Stuart: Take a breath Richard, I hope he pays you by the word.
Behind Hoyt riding in tandem are two exceptionally large men wearing clothing similar to Hoyt’s.
Nick Stuart: Wow those are some big fellows.
Richard Parker: Hoyt’s new security team Privilege and Hypocrisy will ensure Hoyt is not to be trifled with. My understanding is he will be introducing them here shortly, will make a few remarks, followed by a MAJOR announcement as to the date of his in ring return here in PRIME!
The homely Joe Burro steps into the ring and holds the golden bible high for all the crowd to see. Hoyt exits his blessed Segway, grabs his cane with the golden skull head of Sebs, walks up the ring stairs, lifts his robe as to not trip and enters the ring. The large men follow.
The crowd chants “Holy Shit” as Hoyt Smiles a Texas sized grin as Joe Burro hands him a microphone.
Hoyt Williams: Blasphemy…blasphemy…. BLASPHEMY!!! Silence yourselves and stop that vulgarity. Your father is home.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hoyt Williams: 34 Texas!
Nick Stuart: thirty-four?
Richard Parker: thirty-four!
Hoyt Williams: 34 is where Texas ranks in education it’s no wonder you people talk so slow. I’ll do the math for you 5o states divided in half is 25 meaning you are ALL way below average and that’s just the people who actually got an education.
Hoyt laughs as the crowd starts a “You’re an Asshole” with a double clap chant.
Hoyt Williams: Just so you know I’ve enacted an IQ quiz at the pearly gates that Saint Peter will administer before you gain entry but let’s face it Texas none of you are headed upstairs anyway.
Nick Stuart: I’d like to apologize to all the Texans at home tonight listening to this man babble.
Richard Parker: He’s just preaching the gospel Stuart, if it’s to hot for you go to the light.
As the crowd engages in their boorish chant the Savior sets down the mic and does ten perfect Jumping Jacks for Jesus. He looks at the two large men (one of whom is wearing a creepy mask and is oddly the size of a former masked wrestler Balaam) and laughs with them.
Hoyt Williams: Instead of chanting highly offensive chants in my direction perhaps you should spend that energy chanting at your law makers and perhaps things would change. Even my religion respects a woman’s right to choose and believe me if any state needs abortion it’s the one with the loneliest star on the flag because trust me when I say the world needs less Texans.
Nick Stuart: Well.
Richard Parker: AMEN!! PRAISE BE TO HOYT!!
Nick Stuart: Will you be professional?
Hoyt Williams: I will try to talk slow and loud like I do when talking to Ivan backstage so pay attention. What you see behind me is the protection I need as God’s Champion. If you are in the back and you think you’re going to get to me understand you won’t until you go through my brethren, the righteous Hypocrisy and my minster of culture the great Jessie White better known as Privilege. PRIME is about to feel my Hypocrisy and Privilege.
The big man with out the mask steps forward and must be about seven feet tall. He is a middle-aged white man with circular glasses, clean shaven, and long sideburns. He kind of looks like Dan Akroyd in the Blues brothers only with arms the size of tree trunks.
Hoyt Williams: Privilege is not only a giant, a world class weightlifter, but he is also a Lawyer who graduated at the top of his class at Yale. Let it be known that all stipulations and legalities will go through his expertise so Hoyt Williams will not be taken advantage of by management again.
The big man points to his brains as the poorly educated crowd begins throwing trash. A soda cup almost hit’s Hoyt but Hypocrisy steps in front of it.
Hoyt Williams: This other small giant is Hypocrisy. He is violent, angry, and most of all loyal to me. Nobody will get through as I will throw Hypocrisy in your face.
The two big men raise their arms as the crowd tells them what they think of them.
Hoyt Williams: A lot of people ask me why I didn’t return when PRIME returned.
Hoyt takes a deep breath.
Hoyt Williams: The reason mainly is I didn’t think PRIME’s return would last this long and quite frankly most of the talent when it returned was washed up or a joke. I didn’t want to spend months battling farts in the wind like Dust…er..Dusk. But that is not the case now. I admire guys like Cancer Jiles who has proven his worth. Flamberge despite being French and disqualified from heaven is a real treat. I even see a little of me in a guy like Sage Pontiff despite PRIME only having one true PONTIFF and that’s me. Follow me on all social media platforms including Jabber @pontiffofPRIME. Bottom line is the roster is insanely talented.
The savior of the squared circle starts pacing around the ring.
Hoyt Williams: Part of me even questioned if I still have it.
The crowd right on cue starts a “You don’t have it” chant. Hoyt shouts something at Joe Burro who pulls something out of his pocket. A remote like device.
Hoyt Williams: You know I can’t concentrate with your eruptions. If you keep this up, I will lower the echo chamber. You know what?? I’m using my biblical power and you all just cost yourselves an hour of sleep this weekend! That’s right I’m taking an hour away from your weekend!! Keep it up and it will be two!
Nick Stuart: It’s the end of daylight savings time that’s no miracle.
Richard Parker: Let’s see you take an hour away!?!
Hoyt Williams: But I do still have it. I have a lot more to prove. The revival is real. You see the church pews have become more and more empty as people bow their heads and pray to the Chinese made false prophets in their hands. You bow your heads and you take a bite out of the apple and ignore the reality of the world around you. Weak minded ADAMS. I need to wake people up. I am a draw. One of the biggest ever. When my name appears on the card the seats sell out instantly. ACE knows it, PRIME knows it, and you all know it. So by getting back in front of the crowds and resurrecting PRIME as it finally starts to tour like the company I helped build! Brothers and sisters, all of Hoyt’s Witnesses, the damned in attendance…I’m back. I can help PRIME and PRIME can help me as I speak to you all and get you back to church. I have read the message boards, comb the JABBER, and read your fan mail. For YEARS you sinners have flogged your one eyed Boda’s at the thought of Youngblood vs Williams II.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hoyt Williams: That match alone could sell out the biggest stadiums in the world. But I’m not there yet if I even ever want to get there. A few weeks ago I heard Youngblood say nobody from his past is strong enough to knock down his Tower of Babel. Never say never. But truth is I would never give him the satisfaction of stepping in the ring with me again.
A holy shit chant turns into a “Youngblood” chant.
Hoyt Williams: It’s not happening so shut your mouths I’m just giving you examples of why my return matters.
The crowd keeps chanting for Youngblood.
Hoyt Williams: Lower the echo chamber!
From the ceiling a glass bubble like an upside down whisky glass begins to slowly lower to the ring. The crowd is irate.
Nick Stuart: What is this now?
Richard Parker: The Echo Chamber! Pay attention.
The bubble encloses Hoyt and his men as suddenly the crowd is chanting “Hoyt”.
Nick Stuart: That chant is not happening here in the arena I can tell you that much. It is coming from inside that bubble!
Hoyt Williams: Thank you my witnesses!! Please simmer down. What about Hoyt vs Ivan in a father’s redemption story? Hoyt vs I don’t know…. Lindsey Troy!!
The piped in crowd jeers the name of Lindsey Troy as the real crowd has taken to giving Hoyt the finger in unison.
Hoyt Williams: I know, I Know I get it. Nobody wants to see that noise. Hoyt vs NOVA!!! That would sell out even parts unknown. Hoyt vs Paxton Ray in a little of old vs new.
Hoyt shrugs his shoulders.
Hoyt Williams: The word of Hoyt is I provide headline matches. You’re welcome. So, Hoyt it be!!!
The piped in crowd starts another Hoyt chant, which he calms down with his hands.
Hoyt Williams: Maybe I can take on the ENTIRE roster. Speed track right to the top where I belong. As a matter of fact, that is a great idea. I am going to take my shot like I’m Alec Baldwin. Culture Shock. Arlington Texas. I’m declaring myself in the Battle Royal. So, it is spoken so it is truth.
Nick Stuart: Isn’t everyone on the roster invited anyway?
Richard Parker: What an amazing announcement!!!
Hoyt Williams: You want to see a miracle watch me walk on water across the entire roster and rise to the top just in time for Easter. How fitting.
The savior raises his arms as the glass bubble lifts and we get a crossfade of the fake cheers and real jeers.
Nick Stuart: There you have it, say what you will about Hoyt but he is a real threat to win the battle royal. We’ve learned in the past never underestimate him! Wow that is going to be a must-see event. Hope you all order now and join us in just a few short weeks at Culture Shock.