WHAT’S IN A NAME? THERE’S AN “N”, DEFINITELY AN “A”….
We return backstage after that rude commercial. The Paycom Arena. Home of the Oklahoma City Thunder. The site where the newly crowned ALIAS Champion decides the name and stipulation of the championship. Matt Mills knows this. The opportunity to interview Mortimer Knightingale after defeating Kohime Mori in the tournament finals and then getting eliminated by Abe Lipschitz the following night. There is a lot to cover. Mortimer Knightingale stands….looms over Matt Mills. The ALIAS Championship over his shoulder, the PRIME wrestler has dressed for the occasion in what can only be described as a flashy yet tacky gold pinstripe double breasted suit, a black dress shirt with the top button undone, and gold, yes, gold loafers with black outlines of paisleys.
Matt Mills: I am standing here with the new ALIAS Champion, Mortimer Knightingale. First of all, congratulations Mortimer.
Mortimer Knightingale: Thank you but, uh, I ain’t Mortimer Knightingale anymore.
Matt Mills: You aren’t?
Mortimer Knightingale: Mortimer Knightingale was a pseudo-name forced upon me by Tony Gamble. Now that I’m the new ALIAS Champion, I think it’s time I choose a name for myself.
Matt Mills: What, then, should we call you?
Not Mortimer Knightingale: Interesting question. I had the same one not two days ago as I was lookin’ at how the championship looked around my waist. Let’s just say I was feelin’ like a million bucks, so much so, that I says to myself ‘“Million Dollar Morty”, this whole Knightingale thing, it ain’t you.”. So I began Vaseline-in’ between several new name-de-plums, or, stage names, as they say in the business of show. I was thinkin’ maybe Morty Monte Carlo, but the whole relationship with gamblin’, it didn’t feel right. So then, I was thinkin’ Morty Manhattan. Has a nice ring to it, don’t it?
Matt Mills: So, it’s Morty Manhattan?
Morty Manhattan: No.
Matt Mills: No?
Not Morty Manhattan Either: No. There is an associate of my uncle’s that may or may not have adopted a similarly regional nickname and considerin’ newfound success, I would much rather not have my uncle, nor his friends or associates up to and includin’ my cousin, up my ass. So, instead, I have decided upon a name inspired by the most successful man that I know. You may call me, C. Mortgomery Byrnes!!!! There is a slightly different spellin’ as to avoid certain trademarked legalities that may be incurred by me from certain lawyers.
Matt Mills: C. Mortgomery Byrnes?
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: Yeah.
Matt Mills: You’re sure about the name?
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: Yeah.
Matt Mills: What’s the “C” stand for?
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: “Champ”, what else?
Matt Mills: Excellent. You defeated Kohime Mori at “Culture Shock” and some people state that you were able to defeat her only with the help of Tony Gamble. What are your thoughts on those claims and on Kohime Mori?
C. Montgomery Byrnes: I have no recollection of the event of which you are referencin’. To the people who are makin’ these accusations, they’re can go fuck their mothers. Kohime, on the other hand, I do still hold with great regard and admiration. There will always be a place in my heart for her. I wish her nothin’ but the best. However, as sweet and kind and cute and the beacon of positivity as she is, she’s also an immature little brat who decided to get all emotional and batshit crazy not only durin’ our match but also the battle royal. And you saw, I did everythin’ I could for her and she still acted like a fuckin’ baby about the whole thing.
Matt Mills: You punched her in the face. Twice.
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: “A” – That was weeks ago. And second, I did it to protect her. She needs to get over it.
Matt Mills: Get..? Will there be a rematch with Kohime Mori?
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: That particular topic will be addressed shortly. I would first like to announce the new name of the ALIAS Championship. At first, I after that Dickweed Gremlin shit, I was gonna call it the “Fuck The Fans” Championship but they’d probably get off of on that. Nah, instead, and in the effort of goodwill and respect, I have decided to call it “The Gamble Championship” after Tony Gamble, of course.
Matt Mills: I would think that after the battle royal—
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: A misunderstandin’. It’s all been hashed out like a latke. Look, I ain’t gonna say I “adore” Tony Gamble, okay? He’s too much of a prick for that. What I will say is I respect the man. And under his tutorage, I won my first PRIME Championship. The Gamble Adoration Syndicate believed in me when the fans treated me like shit and that’s that.
Matt Mills: Abe Lipschitz earned an ALIAS Title—-
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: That Lickshits piece of shit!
Matt Mills: Okay. So, Abe Lipschitz earned a right at the ALIAS Championship by eliminating you from the battle royal, but before that, we have learned that in a few weeks you will defend the ALIAS….or rather, The Gamble Championship against Eddie Cross.
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: The guy who sang “Arthur’s Theme”? Ain’t he like a hundred?
Matt Mills: Uh, no. That’s someone else. Your two competitors and everyone for that matter is wondering, what is the stipulation for the Gamble Championship?
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: I fuckin’ hate gamblin’ but any time you step in the ring, there’s odds. Someone wins, someone loses. If I’m puttin’ my championship on the line, the championship it took me a year to obtain, there’s gonna stakes. Think of it as….One and Done. As you may have surmised, the meanin’ of it is, as such, as self-explanatory as it can be. If you win, you can do whatever the fuck you want with this championship. Ah salut! You deserve it. BUT…If, or when, you fail in your opportunity, i.e., for the likes of Eddie Cross and Abe Lickshits, that’s it. You don’t get another shot, EVER, as long as I’m the champ. Oh! There’s one more caviar to this scenario. This stipulation has been retroactivated to the tournament.
Matt Mills: That would mean….
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: That’s right. That Darin Douchebaggery asshole, Kenny Fuckpants, Ned Reform, and Kohime Mori….they blew their shot. So, you asked earlier if Kohime Mori deserves a shot? It don’t matter. She ain’t gettin’ one. None of’em. Not as long as I’m champ. And that’s that.
The new ALIAS, now Gamble Champion, C. Mortgomery Byrnes taps the gold belt over his shoulder before exiting stage right. Matt Mills, a sense of satisfaction on his face, scoring the new name of the ALIAS Championship, the stipulation, and, to a lesser extent, the unveiling of C. Mortgomery Byrnes, which, to Matt Mills, just appears to be Mortimer Kjedelig/Knightingale in a gaudy suit.