Why is Everyone Either Creepy or Mean?

The feed shifts to ringside, the arena buzzing after the matchup between Cancer Jiles and Tapioca Puddings. Just outside the barricade, we’re greeted with the smiling face of lead interviewer, Angelica Brooks. Standing next to her? “Event Horizon,” Hayes Hanlon, smiling behind a dark mustache and gold-mirrored aviators. The two are framed by excited fans behind and around them, all clambering to get some camera time.

Angelica Brooks: Welcome back to ReVival, here on the ACE Network! We have a highly anticipated matchup between Eryk Van Warren and Teddy Palmer forthcoming, but first, we wanted to check in with new kid on the block, Hayes Hanlon! Enjoying the week off, Hayes?

Hayes Hanlon: How can you not, Angie? Look at this place!

He extends his arms to gesture to the grandeur around him, receiving a pop from the nearby PRIMEates.

Hayes Hanlon: Can you feel it?!

Angelica Brooks: You had the honor of kicking off your career, the Almasy Invitational, and the new era of PRIME all at once at ReVival 1 in a matchup with Cecilia Ryan. How did it feel to step into the ring, and how’s the arm holding up?

Hayes Hanlon: I’ll tell you this: thank Hoyt for adrenaline, because all I really felt was pain! Cecilia Ryan is NOT soft! My elbow is still feeling that armbar, but it was a dream come true to get that win. By the way, have you met her dad? They are NOT nice people!

Angelica Brooks: (laughing) I have and that’s an accurate statement. You call yourself “Event Horizon,” where does that come from and what does it mean?

Hayes Hanlon: Oh MAN I’m pumped you asked! You’ve heard of black holes out in space, right? So their whole thing is that they have this crazy strong gravitational pull, and nothing can escape it, and the theory is that there’s this sort of threshold where…

Angelica Brooks: (interrupting) Ah, leeet’s keep it moving.

Hanlon looks slightly disappointed as Brooks changes the subject.

Angelica Brooks You’ll be squaring up with Julian Bathory, protégé of famed Bruce “Violence Jack” Shanahan, at ReVival 3 for the second round of the Almasy Invitational’s Rolo bracket. What are your thoughts on facing “The Carpathian Devil?”

Hayes Hanlon: Murder Daughters, Carpathian Devils, might as well throw Hessian at me in round 3! Listen, Violence Jack was a baaad man, and I know Bathory has the skills, but let’s be clear…

Hayes shifts to face the camera, the PRIMEates behind him hollering, waving, and holding up signs.

Hayes Hanlon: This ain’t 2004, Julian. It’s 2022. The creepy C’thulu stuff isn’t that scary anymore! Go check out Netflix, there’s a TON of cult documentaries! Seriously, they’re really good! And the one thing they have in common? The guy at the top is always playing his little followers for a couple bucks and some “extra curriculars.”

Hayes smooths out his ‘stache and adjusts the cuffs on his black dress shirt.

Hayes Hanlon: But hey, you do you. Me? I’m here to put on a SHOW. A freakin’ SPECTACLE. And the GRAAAAND Finale includes putting YOU on your BACK for the one, two, three!

The nearby crowd cheers in support, and he smiles over his left and right shoulder before turning back to the camera, holding his hands up.

Hayes Hanlon: See? They know what’s up. And man, I know you’re planning to bring your A-game, and I reaaallly hope that’s true. But the difference between me and you…

Hayes sheds the smile and the cocky attitude, swiftly plucking his sunglasses from his face, a pair of deep brown eyes staring hard at the camera.

Hayes Hanlon: …is I don’t need a rock in my fist to beat somebody half my size.

He puts his shades back on just as quickly, the fans behind him popping at the dig. He turns around with open arms, handing out high-fives while the camera turns back to Angelica Brooks.

Angelica Brooks: Choice words from the rookie! You can see “Event Horizon” Hayes Hanlon take on Julian Bathory at ReVival 3! But as for tonight, we have Eryk Van Warren squaring up against Teddy Palmer, and Jacob Mephisto goes toe-to-toe with returning PRIME legend, Nova! Here at the MGM Grand on the ACE Network!

We pan out to Hayes providing further fan service before shifting elsewhere.