WINDS OF CHANGE vs. SOLID GOLD ROCK N ROLL
I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go…
Oingo Boingo’s “Dead Man’s Party” hits, and this conjures the arrival of the Winds of Change as though it’s sorcery. It’s not. Just want to throw that out there. The last thing PRIME needs is a sorcerer. We already have a Time Lord. We have whatever the heck’s going on with Balaam. And let’s face it, once you introduce sorcerers, then you have to consider the notion that one of those sorcerers will get the bright idea to shove their soul into a phylactery, and then that’s it. You have a wrestle lich, and it’s a son of a bitch to try and destroy that, let me tell you.
Uh, anyway. The Winds of Change!
With swords!
Wait, what?
Wearing their entrance ponchos, it appears as though the Winds of Change didn’t get the hint that old poncho-wearing gunslingers didn’t carry swords with them. Joe carries a rapier, and the moment he steps through the curtains he starts prodding at the air with it like he’s Inigo Montoya. Behind him lumbers Powerbomb Siddy himself, carrying his own “sword”. It’s a letter opener.
Richard Parker: I don’t think those have been made legal in the wrestling charter, Nick.
Nick Stuart: No, they most certainly have not.
As Joe and Sid make their way to the ring, they’re trailed behind by the Devil Fruit himself, Baron von Blackberry. He, too, carries a sword. Because gosh, guys, who left their trunk full of swords where all the wrestlers and whack jobs and dogs could get to them? His is a tulwar, by the way.
Look it up.
Vince Howard: Coming to the ring, accompanied by… (sigh) the Devil Fruit, and the Benevolent God-King Emperor Sensei of the Scenic, yet Diabolical Nation of Fruitsylvania, Baron von Blackberry… from Phoenix, Arizona, at a total combined weight of 480 pounds, and… I’m not doing the combined height thing again, guys, come on… they are the WINDS! OF! CHAAAAAAAANGE!
The Winds reach the ring, and pose with their swords. Or letter opener, in Sid’s case. Naturally, Jimmy Turnbull is rather adamant that all of the cutlery isn’t involved in the match. Reluctantly, Joe parts with his cool sword. Sid is much less reluctant. Blackberry keeps his, because who is going to argue with an insane man with a fruit for a head on whether or not he can have a tulwar on his person?
Anyway, it’s time for Mastodon.
“The Motherload” takes over, and the tone shifts to raucous righteousness. Out stroll Barry and Trent, and you know the under-garments are flyin’. Sadikaj’s lips pucker as he sways, but Delgado? His already massive chest looks ten times bigger, and he’s got a smokey-glare set on the usurper of the Powerbomb Throne.
I CAN SEE WHAT THE WORLD HAS DONE TO YOU!
I CAN FEEEL THE WEIGHT!
FEEEL THE WEIGHT!
Vince Howard: And their opponents! From Winnipeg, Ontario, Canada and San Clemente, California. Weighing in at 471 pounds…TRENT SADIKAJ! BARRY DELGADO! SOLID! GOLD! ROCK N’ ROLL!
Richard Parker: ROCK N’ ROLL MAMA! PUT IT ON ME, BABY!
Nick Stuart: Heeere we go again. The team of Trent Sadikaj and Barry Delgado had high hopes of stripping the gold from the Kings of Popsicles two weeks ago, only to come up short. Tonight they have the opportunity to get back on the wagon against the Winds of Change, who look to stake their claim in the hunt for the Tag Team Championship.
Boogie and Boots reach the ring, and immediately Delgado gets up in Sid’s grill, bumping his chest into Sid’s upper abdomen and backing him up a bit. Blackberry shakes a fist while Trent shares a few choice words with Joe, who puts his hands up in defense.
Nick Stuart: The Solid Gold boys coming in a little chippy tonight!
Jimmy Turnbull finally gains some control and banishes BVB to ringside, but not without a “YOU’LL RUE THE DAY, REFEREE MAN!” Barry insists to kick things off, taking his place while Trent steps out. Sid stays in the ring to face Delgado while Joe slaps his partner on the shoulders. Jimmy Turnbuckles checks in, then calls for the bell.
DING DING
The sound of the bell snaps the lightning chains that were holding Barry Delgado back, and the Powerhouse of Power Ballads rushes in with a leap and a well-placed forearm strike to a bewildered Sid Phillips, pushing him back into his corner with a flurry of unrelenting body blows.
Nick Stuart: Boogie coming in hot!
Richard Parker: Fists of FIRE, baby!
Sid does his best to cover up, unsure how to handle the cannonball that is Boogie who drives his molten fists into Dr. Powerbomb’s stomach like a pair of 8 cylinder pistons in overdrive. Delgado cuts it off with a stomp to Sid’s toe. Riot grimaces, and Barry dives in to lift him straight up and bring his nether region down over his knee.
Nick Stuart: Manhattan drop from Delgado! Blackberry’s not pleased with that one!
Phillips drops to his knees in pain while Barry takes a moment to flex. He follows with a forearm to the back of the head, forcing Phillips to the mat. Sid rolls to his back to defend, finding a face-full of the bottom of Boogie’s boot, grinding god-knows-what into his lips. Turnbull gives Barry the warning, and he relents for a moment before dropping an elbow to Sid’s sternum. Boogie stays on top of Sid for the cover.
ONE!
TWO…
…Barry stands up???
Nick Stuart: And Delgado opting to keep things moving!
Richard Parker: The show must go on!!
Indeed, Boogie bails out of the count himself, hopping back to his feet and taking a few steps toward his corner. Sid, collecting himself, stands up quick to see Delgado staring him down hard across the ring.
Barry points two fingers at his own eyes.
Then turns those fingers toward Phillips.
Then Barry lifts his beefy forearms up overhead.
And thrusts them down.
He’s pantomiming a powerbomb, folks.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Nick Stuart: And Barry let’s Sid know exactly what’s coming!
Richard Parker: Just a little tease, Nick! A little peek, a little taste!
Boogie smooths back his feathered hair and gives Trent a most righteous tag, the long legs of Boots slowly, and sensually, stepping into the ring magnificently, the lights shining off those heavenly-gilded boots, for all to see. Just out there, without a care. They know what they’re about. They know what everyone’s thinking. Why hide it? Why deny it?
Chill out, bud.
‘Kay.
Anyway, Trent Sadikaj sways toward center ring, meeting Sid, who still stumbles after his nuts met Barry’s knee. Trent holds his arms out, inviting The Powerbomb Laureate in with a kiss of the lips. Boots then holds one hand open, the uses the other to dive toward his palm, opening his fingers on impact.
It’s a bomb taunt, folks.
Sid is VERY ready to oblige, and lumbers in quick, only to be met by the open hand of Trent with a sharp, stinging slap across the face.
OOOOOOOOH!!!!!
Nick Stuart: OH my! SHARP slap from Sadikaj!
Phillips reels, hand to his cheek, and Trent follows with a wide grin. He takes a fistful of Sid’s hair, guiding and spinning him around to whip him against the ropes. Riot rebounds, and is met with a cross-body splash from Solid Gold Rock n’ Roll’s lead singer. Trent uncoils to his feet, dropping a few boots to Powerbomb Siddy to keep him down. Then, perhaps a bit prematurely, Trent strides to the ropes and hops his long legs to the top of the turnbuckle with ease.
Nick Stuart: Trent going up top!
Boots raises his hands, nodding his head, then leaps forward, tucking his chin and tumbling over…
Richard Parker: CHEAP THRILLS! Oh YEAAAHH!!!
…only to land square on the canvas with nobody home as Sid rolls out of harm’s way.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!!!
Nick Stuart: Nobody home!!!
Trent rolls to a seated position, holding his back. The Pontiff of Powerbomb Alley stands, shaking off the previous assault from SGRNR, and stomps over to Boots, taking advantage of the miss by tucking his head between those thunderous thighs. He grips, heaves, and rolls Trent up into the air.
Y’all knew it was coming.
Nick Stuart: HUMONGOUS sit-out powerbomb from Sid Phillips!
Baron von Blackberry bellows a maniacal belly-laugh as Sid rolls backwards out of the bomb, leaving Trent pan-caked on the mat. Still woozy, Professor Powerbomb stands and thuds over to his corner, slapping the hand of Joe Fontaine, who hops the ropes readily. The man is freaking PUMPED UP as he turns 180 and leaps again, springboarding off the top ropes and connecting a moonsault to the downed Trent Sadikaj.
Nick Stuart: Fontaine connects! Going for the cover!!
Richard Parker: Get that shoulder up, Boots!!
ONE!!
TWO!!
T…KICKOUT!!
Trent gets the shoulder up, and Joe pops to his feet. He makes a move to jump into the ropes, but pauses…
Nick Stuart: A little pause in Joe’s step here, is something on his mind?
After the hesitation, Fontaine carries on, bounding into the ropes and returning with a low-dropkick to Boots. Trent clutches his face, rolling onto his stomach. Tempest takes advantage and straddles Trent’s back, grabbing a leg, and locking in a half-boston crab, fiddling and fumbling a foot to jam it into the crook of the knee.
Nick Stuart: Submission locked in! Joe looking to make Trent tap!
Richard Parker: The hunnies tap for Trent, Nick! Not the other way around!
Joe holds on tight as Trent howls. Regardless, the front man claws his arms forward to the ropes. Baron von Blackberry makes all sorts of sinister demands as Trent crawls toward him at ringside. Fontaine fights hard to keep the hold, but Boots has all the reach in the world, babies! He takes hold of the bottom rope, Blackberry shakes a fist, and Jimmy “Turnbuckles” starts the count on Joe for the release.
Nick Stuart: And Sadikaj escapes! Solid Gold Rock n’ Roll still in the fight!
The son of Joey Malone lets go without issue and pivots to the center of the ring, allowing Trent to via the aid of the ropes. He lies in wait as Boots turns his long body around, and strikes forward.
Nick Stuart: Joe jumps forward, looking for a bicycle kick, BIG MISS!
Sadikaj tilts sideways and catches the leg of Fontaine, spinning him 180 degrees. Joe hops on one foot in an attempt to keep balance, then goes with the momentum when Trent releases.
Nick Stuart: Fontaine off the ropes, Sadikaj swings for a lariat with nobody home! Fontaine ducks and rebounds…SUPERKICK FROM FROM TRENT SADIKAJ!!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Richard Parker: JUST GIMME A KISS!!
Joe flops squarely to his back after taking a face-full of tread from the long leg of Trentj. He catches his breath, then turns his eyes to the band’s bassist. Barry reaches out, eager as a groupie hoping for an invite backstage. Trent reaches out for the tag, and Boogie clambers in.
Nick Stuart: Sadikaj with the tag! Boogie back in!!
The MGM roars as Delgado opts to climb the ropes, balancing on top of the turnbuckle.
Richard Parker: Show em’ what they came to see, Boogie!!
Boots leaps, clocking Fontaine with a diving, glorious, sensational, magnificent flying headbutt.
RAAAAAAAHHH!!!!
Nick Stuart: HEADBANGER!! HEADBANGER FROM DELGADO!!
Fontaine clutches at his forehead, and somehow manages to roll his body toward the corner to Sid’s waiting hand. Quite purposefully, Barry doesn’t pursue. Instead he gives Sid the “come hither” motion with his hands, and waits for The Powerbomb Wizard to enter the ring. Phillips steps in, and the two absolute boulders of humans rush in to meet center-ring.
Nick Stuart: It’s a clash of the titans here at the MGM Grand!!
Despite Barry’s mythical aura, Sid still outweighs him by more than seventy pounds, driving Barry back. Boogie, however, squats down, lowering his center of gravity and forcing Sid to pivot. Another 180 gives Phillips the advantage once more, the two barreling into the corner of Winds of Change. Sid has Barry where he wants him. The larger man (in size, not in spirit), pins Boogie against the corner, only for Barry to pivot and reverse positon. Regardless, Sid has a strong hold on Delgado…and then, in a moment of disbelief…raises an elbow.
Nick gasps.
Richard gasps.
Baron von Blackberry shakes a fist to the rafters…and gasps.
Nick Stuart: What’s this? Is Sid going for…an elbow???
Richard Parker: Great heavens!
The son of Daniel Phillips rears his elbow back, uncertainty in his eyes, as he positions to attempt the unthinkable…
…but instead…
Nick Stuart: BUT JOE FONTAINE WITH THE TAG!
…the smaller member of Winds of Change, after clapping the back of Sid’s hand, leaps and springboards off the top rope, clocking Barry with a dropkick and sending the two sprawling into the ring. Boogie rolls and clumsily finds himself on his feet, but not before the more-nimble Joe, who crouches down and hoists the dense body of Barry Delgado over his shoulder.
Nick Stuart: Joe Fontaine! Looking for his father’s famed Malonestrom!
Smooth Joe Cool has Barry locked in, but before he can execute the famous Samoan Driver…he hesitates…
Nick Stuart: More hesitation from Fontaine! This isn’t the time, young man!
He shakes his head, resets himself, but it’s too late. Delgado kicks and squirms his way off Joe’s shoulders and lands behind him, quickly hooking the arms and heaving Fontaine over the top with an enormous release Tiger Suplex.
Nick Stuart: OOHHH! HELLION FROM DELGADO! JOE WAS PLANTED!
Richard Parker: You gotta be ready to follow through when you’re up against Boogie Barry!!
Fontaine back-rolls out of the slam, and not wanting any further beef with the King of Beef himself, opts to scramble into his corner, holding the back of his head while tagging Sid. Phillips clambers through the rope and charges in, but Delgado was more than ready.
Nick Stuart: Delgado lying in wait, Phillips running forward, Delgado going for the midsection…SPINEBUSTER!!! SPINEBUSTER ON SID PHILLIPS!!
Richard Parker: HE’S LIVIN’ THAT ROCK N’ ROLL FANTASYYYY!!!
The moment is glorious. Delgado’s arms in the air, summoning the THUNDA and the LIGHTNIN’! He rolls Sid to all fours, brings him up, then hops onto the back of his neck.
Nick Stuart: Look at this! Barry turning the tables on Sid Phillips!!
In a feat of strength reserved only for the great epics of the ancient past, Boogie rolls Sid to his shoulders, lifts him high by the tights, and hammers him into the mat with an universe-shaking powerbomb.
RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Richard Parker: KISS THE DEVIL!!!!!
Nick Stuart: INCREDIBLE! GIGANTIC POWERBOMB ON POWERBOMB SIDDY!!!
Richard Parker: Put that on a poster!!!!
Sid stirs as Barry stands, damn near orgasmic as he flexes. Trent wails on an air guitar as Blackberry laments at ringside, hollering for Sid to get up. Powerbomb Siddy is a big boy, though, and is able to get to a knee. Boogie tags in Boots, who slides in to meet Sid, helping him to his feet, however wobbly. A few hard chops to chest send Sid against the ropes. Boots pushes the big man off and sends him across the mat. Phillips rebounds and is sent to his back with an armdrag.
Nick Stuart: Sadikaj stands, bringin Sid with him. He pushes the big man off the ropes and across the ring…Phillips rebounds, Boots moves forward and leaps, going for the frankensteiner! Legs around the neck…HE CAUGHT HIM! PHILLIPS CAUGHT HIM!
Richard Parker: Get out, Trent! Summon the power!!!
Indeed, Sadikaj finds himself upside down in the clutches of Powerbomb Siddy, unable to throw him over to complete the maneuver. Sid stumbles, holding on tight. How convenient that those long legs are already over shoulder. The crowd rumbles at the sight, and bellows as Phillips summons the strength to roll Trent up and send him down, releasing him into the mat.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Nick Stuart: JACKKNIFE POWERBOMB TO SADIKAJ!! WHAT A REVERSAL!!
Richard Parker: BARRY! GET IN THERE, BABAY!!!
Riot wobbles, all but spent, and looks over his shoulder to an amping Joe Fontaine. He reaches back for a tag, and Tempest hops to the top turnbuckle. Sid pulls Trent back up and drags him toward the corner, setting him up for another powerbomb.
Nick Stuart: Phillips running on fumes, but looking to finish this off!!
Richard Parker: HANG ON!!
He lifts, and Trent goes up. Sid hoists, and starts to send Sadikaj back down.
Fontaine leaps.
Dab.
Knee strike.
BOOOOOOOMMMMMM
Nick Stuart: SUPERCELL!!!! WINDS WITH THE SUPERCELL!!
Phillips falls back into the corner, breathing heavily. Turnbull slides in for the count, Joe hooks the leg, and nods his head with each slap.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Your winners!!! THE WINDS OF CHANGE!
Nick Stuart: And a HUGE comeback for Phillips and Fontaine!!
Richard Parker: It’s a travestyyyyYYYYyy!!!!
“Dead Man’s Party” his the speakers as the Winds of Change make their exit. Baron von Blackberry cackles with joy, meeting his proteges on the ramp. Joe does his best to keep the exhausted Phillips upright, fist pumping to the cheering crowd.
Nick Stuart: You can wipe off your eye-liner now, Richard! A spectacular performance from Solid Gold Rock n’ Roll, but coming up short thanks to Professor Powerbomb!!
Richard Parker: Take a moment and dry your eyes during commercials, fly guys and hot hunnies. We’ll be right back!