WINDS OF CHANGE VS. THE MASTERS OF THE MULTIVERSE…B-TEAM
“I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go…”
It’s a Dead Man’s Party! Who could ask for more? Wait, who’s the dead man? Well… hard to say, but it might have something to do with whoever Sid Phillips is powerbombing on the way out from the curtain! Who is that? We don’t know. It’s just some guy who had the misfortune of crossing paths with Sid Phillips when he’s in a powerbombing mood. Maybe this is just a Chekhov’s gun. Maybe he’ll come looking for revenge with his team of Hurricanrana Pirates, because as we all know, hurricanranas are the natural enemy of the powerbomb.
But for now… alas, poor Jerry. We didn’t know you very well. Rest in powerbomb.
Joe Fontaine steps over the broken corpse of the man Sid powerbombed to a raucous response from the savage Texas crowd, who clearly enjoy Sid getting to do his thing, and the pair make their way to the ring.
Vince Howard: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first… from Phoenix, Arizona… weighing in at a total combined weight of… *sigh* 2.6 Powerbombs! JOE FONTAINE! SID PHILLIPS! THE WIIIIIINDS! OF CHAAAAAAANGE!
Sid marches up the steps and steps into the ring, while Joe hops up onto the apron and then slingshots in. The pair climb up onto the turnbuckles to play to the crowd.
Vince Howard: And their opponents… At a total combined weight of three-hundred and thirty-six pounds… KENNY FREEMAN! RANDALL SCHWARTZ! THE MASTERS OF THE MULTIVERS BUH-BUH-BUH-BEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEAM!
“Let Me Entertain You” hits the arena speakers as the duo enter to a mixed reaction. The fans seem glad to see Kenny Freeman. Not so much that Schwartz fella. As they step out onto the stage, the pair are forced to navigate around the man that Sid deposited there.
No, we’re not sure if that guy is dead, so the official Sid Phillips Powerbombs A Corpse count is still set at one. RIP drug dads from the future.
The Masters make their way to the ring, where the Winds already stand waiting.
DING DING
Fontaine and Freeman start things off for their respective teams. A collar and elbow tie-up leads to an armdrag by Fontaine. Freeman rolls to his feet, charges in, and is caught with another one. A headlock takeover follows. Freeman counters with a headscissors, but Fontaine handsprings out of it. Smooth Joe Cool tries to take advantage with a sliding elbow, but he’s caught by Freeman in a quick crucifix. The referee doesn’t even make it to the mat before Fontaine kicks out and both men make it to their feet.
Fontaine closes in, ducks low and gets a rear waistlock. Before he can execute, Freeman uses his own foot to block a takedown attempt, and then performs a standing switch and a snap German suplex. He holds the bridge, but Joe is able to kick out just as the referee’s hand hits the mat for the first time. And just like that, they’re both on their feet again.
That exchange? Maybe one minute of actual time, because these boys are zippy.
Nick Stuart: Kenny Freeman coming out of the gate on fire tonight!
Richard Parker: Like a man shot out of a broom closet.
Nick Stuart: And Joe Fontaine is… wait… huh?
Richard Parker: The Tony Gamble Memorial broom closet.
Nick Stuart: Great.
Fontaine lands a quick flurry of strikes, the last of which manages to drop Freeman down to one knee. Looking to put a cap on things early, Fontaine moves in for his take on the shining wizard, but seeing Freeman begin to duck Joe gracefully leaps over him, hops up onto the second rope, and plants Freeman with a springboard gamengiri.
Nick Stuart: That kick caught Kenny Freeman flush. Here’s the cover!
1
Richard Parker: You ever wonder what it would look like if someone made the Death Star out of characters on a keyboard, Nick?
2
Nick Stuart: No?
Freeman gets his shoulder up. Fontaine pulls him to his feet, but K-Free counters with a back elbow. This is followed by a knife edge chop to the chest, a snapmare takeover, and a stiff kick to the spine. A snap suplex lands, and the impact is clearly reflected on the face of Smooth Joe Cool.
Richard Parker: Hey, Nick. I had a thought.
Nick Stuart: Oh?
Oh no.
Richard Parker: This match hasn’t been nearly as weird as I was expecting, you know what I mean? Assuming you don’t pay attention to the weird glow under the ring.
Don’t worry, kitten. We’ll fix that in a minute.
Fontaine makes it to the corner, extending his hand and making the tag. The waiter is out of the kitchen, and he’s about to serve up a heaping platter of powerbombs. That waiter’s name is Sid, and this analogy got away from me much faster than I expected it to. The Padishah Emperor of Powerbombs gets a hand on Kenny Freeman, which is half as many hands as he needs to do the thing he loves most.
Richard Parker: I think Sid Phillips is about to try and kill a guy, Nick.
The powerbomb that lands on Kenny Freeman is delivered with enough force to send the smaller man bouncing to his own corner where Randall Schwartz is currently in the middle of an existential crisis about whether he wants to subject himself to the same fate.
Nick Stuart: Massive powerbomb by the big man from Arizona. After having to watch from the sidelines for a while, Sid Phillips is looking to make a statement.
Richard Parker: Is “make a statement” some sort of code for “do powerbombs”? I’m genuinely asking, I don’t know how the young people speak.
Schwartz makes the tag, though it looks a little reluctant, and enters the ring. Sid, bouncing on his toes and eager to stoke the fires of the powerbomb furnace, is making his pecs dance.
Richard Parker: Hey, I can do that, too!
The clip from a fan’s cell phone that is later uploaded to Reddit will show that no, Richard Parker cannot in fact “do that.” What he can do is twist his upper body from side to side.
Richard Parker: Okay, genuine question part two.
Nick Stuart: Oh dear.
Richard Parker: Does Schwartz look taller to you? Like maybe by an inch or so?
The Entertainer steps towards his foe and dodges out of the way from an attempted grapple, which is the word we’re going to use for “powerbomb hug.” A jab connects with Sid, who looks more surprised than injured. Sid attempts a second grapple, but Schwartz side steps again. A kick to the thigh follows. The expression on Sid’s face is one of annoyance, because opponents were made to be powerbombed and this one just doesn’t want to cooperate.
Nick Stuart: Randall Schwartz looking better than I expected him to, given what he had to endure at Lucha Especial at the end of the year.
Richard Parker: Oh right, when Kaz Troy made his arm go pop.
Nick Stuart: That would be the night, yes.
And then Richard starts singing. It’s a familiar tune to those of us in this reality, but is entirely alien to everyone in the PRIME ‘verse.
Richard Parker: (singing) It’s hard to wipe. He can’t pour coffee. Needs special tongs… to tie his shoes. Ain’t no more wrestling. No happy times. It makes him feel… like he’s got the blues.
Nick Stuart: What are you singing?
A really bad rendition of “Sexy Boy”, Nick. But I can’t fault you for not knowing that. As we established, the song doesn’t exist here.
Richard Parker: (singing) Arm broken by a Troy. By a Trooooooy-oy! Snapped by the Troy boy. Trooooooy boooooooy-oy.
Not apologizing for this, in case you were curious.
The crowd around the ringside area is now aware of a faint glow emanating from beneath the ring, visible only as a faint outline below where the ring skirt hangs.
Meanwhile, Sid feints one direction, baiting Schwartz to dodge the other way. And the trap is sprung. In this case, the trap is two massive arms locking around Randall’s midsection and brute-force pulling him up off the ground.
Richard Parker: Watch out for his necktorals, Sid!
Sid takes a running start and dives, powerbombing Schwartz onto the mat hard enough that the force sends The Entertainer tumbling out of the ring.
Nick Stuart: Randall Schwartz has just been sent packing! And… it looks like he’s trying to hide under the ring, Richard.
The version of Randall Schwartz that slides into the ring now is dressed in camouflage pants, combat boots, and a tactical vest. Why? To complement the green and black facepaint, obviously. Somewhere in another dimension there is a very confused space hunter wondering why he’s no longer fighting to the death in the middle of a jungle. Did I mention this version of Randall is yoked to the gills? Well, he is.
Richard Parker: Ummm. Do I want to know where that whole outfit came from?
Nick Stuart: Some questions are better left unanswered.
Richard Parker: And when did he have time to paint his face?
Nick Stuart: That is also one of those questions, Richard.
Randall Schwartzenegger makes a move for Sid Phillips. Guess what happens next.
No, go on. Guess. I’ll wait.
Still thinking?
Here, I’ll give you a hint. These two men combined know a total of like five wrestling moves, and even though one of them is from a mirror universe where everyone is an Austrian powerlifter, the other one is still bigger.
Randall Schwartzenegger: (Austrian muscle noises)
It’s a powerbomb. That’s what happens. In the battle of Powerbombs Versus Predator the powerbombs win, and the Coffeenator hits the mat, rolls out the other side of the ring, and then quickly ducks back under the ring. There might be a space creature with fishnets and a weirdo vagina mouth waiting for him there, but at least that thing isn’t going to try to commit powerbomb homicide. Only the regular kind of homicide. The kind that involves lasers.
So maybe not that regular.
Nick Stuart: And Sid is giving chase. Honestly, I’m not sure that’s a wise decision all things considered.
Richard Parker: We don’t know what that light under the ring means, Nick. Bobby Dean once pulled an entire KFC dinner out from under the ring. Maybe whoever installed the KFC kitchen decided it needed its own private disco. We just don’t know.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think…
Richard Parker: Let me have this!!
On the opposite end of the ring, original recipe Randall slides in under the ropes and tags in his partner. Sid Phillips sees none of this, for his gaze is transfixed. As he lifts the ring apron, Sid the Powerbomb Sculptor glances into something that his mind simply cannot process. The man that some people – not a lot, but some – call Hatless Sam Fedora is now aware of a horrible cosmic truth: there exists a reality where powerbombs do not exist.
The fans behind Sid don’t notice any of this, because they’re all enraptured by being that close to the radiant splendor of his plumpy dumper.
PRIME: The Butt Fed.
With a look of white-faced terror, Sid releases the ring apron just in time to be blasted backwards into the guardrail by an airborne Kenny Freeman.
Nick Stuart: Springboard tornillo by Kenny Freeman to the outside, and Sid Phillips is rocked!
Richard Parker: It looked like he was spooked by something, Nick. Any idea what he saw?
Nick Stuart: No idea.
Richard Parker: Maybe it was a sign that said “It’s okay to skip leg day sometimes.”
Not wanting to waste the opportunity, Freeman pulls Sid up and rolls him back into the ring. K-Free bounds up onto the ring apron, takes hold of the top rope with both hands, and lands a slingshot senton onto Sid to get back into the ring. Sid, still recovering from having endured more cosmic horror than the combined works of HP Lovecraft (and with less racisms to boot), slowly rolls towards the center of the ring.
Freeman hits the far ropes to build some momentum, begins doing a rendition of the Thriller dance, and hits a legdrop across the throat of He Whose Hunger For Powerbombs Knows No Ends.
Nick Stuart: Kenny Freeman with a flurry of offense! He’s really putting that speed to work, Richard.
Richard Parker: What, you mean like those Jesse Spano caffeine pills, or…?
The move that comes next is applied in the blink of an eye. A wrestling technician might describe it as a kneeling step-over head-hold wristlock followed by hooking Sid’s far leg. But I’m a big dope who decided that this match absolutely needed to have a portal under the ring so I could get weird, which is the furthest thing from a technician.
Nick Stuart: Freeman Special!!
Jesus, Nick. Way to steal my thunder.
In this situation the application of the move is a strong tactical play on the part of Freeman, because as long as he doesn’t have the use of one arm and one leg Sid won’t be able to powerbomb his way out of it. He tries, oh does he try, but because he can’t get a proper grip it comes off as a lot of flailing.
You know who does have his arms and legs? Joe Fontaine. I mean so does Sid, but we’ve already established they are otherwise occupied at the moment.
Anyway, Joe puts his having-all-my-limbs-free-and-not-in-a-knot to work by springboarding to the top rope and launching himself across the ring to break up the submission attempt with a missile dropkick.
Nick Stuart: Sid back on his feet, and it looks like he’s starting to get his bearings back.
Richard Parker: Ooh! This one I understand. You’re saying he looks pissed, because he looks pissed.
The First Pioneer on the Powerbomb Trail does indeed look unhappy. Kenny Freeman however looks a bit rattled by that flying dropkick, as the move caught him blind. He staggers to his feet, only to be caught by an angry bear-fearing man and is buckle-bombed into his own corner. The impact inadvertently causes Randall Schwartz to be tagged back in.
Freeman rolls to the arena floor for a moment to collect his bearings, now having been on the receiving end of two whiplash-style moves in quick succession.
Nick Stuart: Schwartz back in the ring now, though I still have no idea where the camo pants or facepaint went.
Richard Parker: Lifts. He’s gotta have lifts in his shoes.
Nick Stuart: How does that…
Richard Parker: Look, you worry about where the outfit went, and I’ll try to figure out the height thing. We’ll Scooby Doo this in no time, you’ll see.
Hey, guys.
Guess what.
Do you know what Sid likes to do in his spare time?
Me either, but I can tell you what he likes to do when he’s on the clock. In fact, everyone should know what Sid’s thing is by now, and if you haven’t then what the hell are you even doing with your lives? I’m assuming there’s more than one of you out there, just to err on the side of caution, even though I can’t imagine it being the case. It’s powerbombs.
Richard Parker: Do they have support groups for wrestling holds? I swear, this man is an addict and it’ll bring us all to ruin.
Hey, guys.
Guys.
Guess what.
No, seriously. I mean it this time.
Did you know that Sid has another move that he uses sometimes? It’s true. It doesn’t happen very often, but around these parts we appreciate knowing it exists.
Nick Stuart: Sid takes the straps down…
Richard Parker: Hnnghhh!
Nick Stuart: He’s got Schwartz up.
Richard Parker: So much wrong with your phrasing right now.
Nick Stuart: Exploding Cyclone Homicide Driver!
Not to be confused with the – ahem – Crimson Miracle Bloody Blood Death Homicycle. Lotta murder in these names. Lotta murder.
Jimmy Turnbull is down to make the count.
1
And outside the ring, Kenny Freeman makes a move. He slides under the bottom rope and gets to his feet.
2
He’s intercepted by Joe Fontaine who dives over the mass of humanity on the mat to try and make sure he doesn’t get there.
3!!!
Freeman’s forearm lands a hair too late.
DING DING DING
Nick Stuart: The Winds have done it, though the Masters did not go quietly! Kenny Freeman put on a hell of a show to keep his team in this one, Richard.
Richard Parker: And this clears the deck for an ass-off at Culture Shock.
Nick Stuart: …
Richard Parker: What?
Nick Stuart: Fans, we’ll be right back after this!