YOU’LL BE SWORRY!!!!
For the second show in a row, the intrepid Simon Tillier greets us backstage with a smile, and flashing a bright white grin of his own is “Event Horizon” Hayes Hanlon, black button-up dress shirt on and Five Star title draped over the shoulder.
Simon Tillier: Welcome back, PRIME family! I’m Simon Tillier, standing next to reigning Five Star Champion, Hayes Hanlon! Hayes, congratulations on a successful title defense against Alexander Redding and Cecilia Ryan at ReVival 9!
Hayes Hanlon: Much appreciated, my man! After all that chaos back at ReVival 7 I was pumped to walk away with a clean win!
Simon Tillier: And speaking of subjects a little less clean, we received unfortunate news after ReVival 10 that your opponent, Cecilia Ryan, tested positive for Probenecid. Any comment?
Hayes Hanlon: Well, last week was the third time we’d stepped in the ring together, and the third time I came out on top, so that should tell you everything you need to know about how successful her little experiment was.
Simon Tillier: And on your second visit with Alexander Redding?
Hayes Hanlon: Yeah, last show you saw what happens when Red’s buddy isn’t around to give him a pat on the ass. But listen, Simon…
Hayes wraps an arm around the Junior reporter’s shoulders, who continues to hold the mic up to the Five Star Champion’s face.
Hayes Hanlon: I could go on about Cecilia and Red, but what I have to say is better said to the rest of the roster.
Simon Tillier: Oh? So what’s the message?
Hayes keeps Simon wrapped up in the half-bear hug, then snaps his dark brown eyes to the camera, mustache curling.
Hayes Hanlon: Friends, enemies, cult shysters and masked nerds…you’re gonna have to do better.
Simon’s shoulders look uncomfortably pinched between the broad body and big grip of The Event Horizon, but keeps the mic in place.
Hayes Hanlon: And I get it! It’s not easy seeing the rookie hold onto the gold! Especially a dude so fresh, so sensational, so. Damn. Good. Lookin’.
Hayes smooths out his ‘stache with his free hand.
Hayes Hanlon: And man, you know I hate to disappoint, but I feel like holding onto this strap for a minute. Maybe TWO minutes, Simon! And if outside interference can’t do it, if ‘roids can’t do it, then the roster’s gonna have to ask themselves…
The Five Star Stud snaps back to the camera
Hayes Hanlon: …what will it take, to take down the Event Horizon?
He keeps his mustache curled, gaze lingering on the camera for an extra moment, before patting Simon on the shoulder and releasing his grip. Simon adjusts his posture with a grimace.
Simon Tillier: Strong words, Champ! But any words for your challenger at Great American Nightmare?
Hayes Hanlon: You mean…Rezin?
Simon Tillier: Uh, yes, Rez…
Hayes Hanlon: (Snapping his look to the floor) The Goat Bastard, Rezin?
Simon Tillier: Yes, your opponent at…
Hayes Hanlon: (Quickly looking somewhere off camera) The guy who got beat just LAST ReVival by a chick who thinks time travel is real? Rezin?
Simon Tillier: …
Hayes Hanlon: (Up to the ceiling) The guy who came up short at Culture Shock against Yours Truly? Rezin?
Hayes looks away off camera, drawing a hand over his upper upholstery before turning back to Tillier.
Hayes Hanlon: It seems that Troy wants to give everyone I’ve already beat a second chance, Simon, and beat em’ I have! So if I have any words, it’s this:
The Five Star Stud flashes one last quick stare to the camera.
Hayes Hanlon: Rezin, why should you. Be. Any. Different.
Surprisingly, the question is met with a disembodied answer, coming in the form of a low, guttural voice.
Simon and Hayes separately look around for the owner of the voice. Then, unexpectedly rising into the frame from a column of smoke as if he’d been summoned up through a portal to hell, “the Escape Artist” Rezin appears.
Simon Tillier: Oh my… Rezin!
Rezin’s eyes are on par with Nicolas Cage levels of absurd craziness as he stares down the Five Star Champion.
His head begins to shake and convulse. Trails of frothing saliva spew from the corners of his mouth as his breathing gets heavier and more pronounced. His clenched fists are held out before him, tremoring with all the rage and fury he can muster.
Despite Rezin’s unstable seething, Hanlon remains calm, sans one flinch once Rezin’s stench hits his nose. Tillier glances anxiously between champion and challenger, as he finds himself inexplicably caught between the two. He elects to cut through the tension the only way he knows how: by asking questions.
Simon Tillier: So, um… Rezin, would you care to respond to — HEY!
The Goat Bastard swipes the mic from the junior reporter’s hand and savagely yanks him out of the way by the collar of his suit jacket. Now he stands toe-to-toe with the Five Star Champion, glaring intensely into the Event Horizon’s face. To his credit, Hayes Hanlon doesn’t flinch, and offers
Rezin: You disappoint me… HAAYYESS HAANLONN!
He puts a snarling, vindictive emphasis on the champ’s name. Real Wrath of Khan levels of overdramatic.
Rezin: Here I was thinkin’ that you, being the Carl Sagan aficionado and all, would at least be a halfway intelligent guy… but NAH! Clearly all that GOLD is gettin’ to your head, cause after just ONE successful title defense, you’re already out here suggestin’ that this ol’ Dopesmoker ain’t gonna be anything else other than the guaranteed next rung on your ladder!
The Goat Bastard slowly walks a circle around Hanlon, sizing him up and down, like a jackal sniffing his prey.
Rezin: You ask why I should be any “different”? Hell, why should YOU!? You may have enjoyed a nice coupla months since you STOLE that title from me back at Culture Shock, but what’s a coupla months compared to the YEARS I’ve grinded myself through this business! Believe me, HAAYYESS HAANLONN… you ain’t ANYTHING I haven’t seen before! I’ve seen this industry chew through hotshots like YOU almost as frequently as the Melvins go through bass players! Champs come and go, as they always have… but REAL FIGHTERS like ME will always stand to outlast one generation after the next!
Rezin leans in nice and close, A sneering, devilish grin spreads across his face
Rezin: Don’t get me wrong, cause I would love for NOTHING MORE than to KICK that that gloriously thick pussy-broom right off your DAMBably handsome face, I can’t honestly say I have much interest in bein’ PRIME’s next “flavor of the month!” All that I REALLY need from YOU, HAAYYESS HAANLONN…
A tar-stained index finger pushes into the face of the championship belt draped over Hayes’ shoulder.
Rezin: …is THIS BELT, and all the SWEET, SWEET CAPITAL that comes with it!
A low and hungry growl escapes the Escape Artist as his gaze lingers over the Five Star Championship for a moment. Then his crazed glare finds the eyes of the champion once again.
Rezin: Ya really wanna know what separates THIS high-flippin’, bong-rippin’, and scum-drippin’ sum’bish from those two normie STOOGES ya beat at the last show? Well, it can easily be summed up into two words: LATERAL! THINKING! The ability to use STONER INGENUITY to solve conventional problems with UN-conventional solutions!
Rezin points at his own nogging and cackles with a sorely misplaced sense of triumph.
Rezin: Thing is, I don’t even have to prove I’m any “better” than YOU to get these FILTHY HANDS OF MINE on that strap! All I gotta do, HAAYYESS HAANLONN… is wait until that one perfect moment! That ONE MOMENT when you let your guard down and leave yourself open and vulnerable! And when that moment comes, HAAYYESS HAANLONN… when you ABSOLUTELY LEAST SUSPECT IT… THAT is when I STRIKE!
Hanlon’s right hand suddenly swats the mic from his hand in an absolute blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment.
The suddenness of Hayes’ movement causes the cagey Goat Bastard’s fight-or-flight senses to kick in, and he instinctively dives head first into a nearby waste bin. Hayes makes a move to say something to the Escape Artist, but thinks better of it before turning to Tillier.
Hayes Hanlon: Someday we’ll get a normal interview, Simon. See you in a couple weeks, Rez.
The Champ hands the mic back to the junior reporter before exiting off screen. Rising out of the trash, Rezin angrily shakes his fist after the Event Horizon.
Rezin: YOU’LL BE SWORRY… HHHAAAAYYYYEEESSSS…. HAAAAANNLOOOOONNNNNN!!!!