IN WHICH GREAT SCOTT DOESN’T KNOW SLANG TERMS

GREAT SCOTT IS UNDEFEATED. 

THAT IS A REAL SENTENCE I AM SAYING WITH MY MOUTH BUT USING A KEYBOARD. I HAVE COME A LONG WAY SINCE BEING BANISHED BY THE COUNCIL OF JOBBERS BACK IN 2019 AFTER SHOOT BEATING SCOTT STEVENS IN A REAL MATCH THAT HAPPENED ONCE. IF I CAN BE HONEST WITH YOU ALL AND I THINK I CAN BE HONEST I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I NEVER KNEW I COULD BE GREAT ENOUGH TO BE A REAL CHAMPION ESPECIALLY IN A PLACE LIKE PRIMETIME WRESTLING. 

BUT NOW I AM 2 – 0. 

IN CASE YOU DID NOT KNOW WHAT THAT STANDS FOR THAT MEANS I HAVE WON TWO MATCHES AND I HAVE LOST ZERO MATCHES. I HAVE BEATEN THE MAFIA AND SHAWN WARSTEIN AND THOSE ARE TWO THINGS IT IS NOT EASY TO BEAT. I THINK THAT AFTER GOING A LOT OF PLACES THAT WERE NOT GOOD FOR ME I HAVE FINALLY FOUND MY HOME AND I DON’T JUST MEAN MY CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION 42 STORY MANSION I ALSO MEAN RIGHT HERE IN PRIMETIME. I HAVE FRIENDS HERE WHO ASK ME TO MAKE PHONE CALLS USING PHONES THAT ARE HARD. I AM ALMOST AN EGG THIEF TOO I AM JUST WAITING FOR MISTER CANCER TO ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST ON SCOTTBOOK. OH AND LAST WEEK I GOT A KEY TO THE CITY THAT WAS A NFT AND FINALLY SWIPED RIGHT ON MY SWOLEMATE GREAT THOTT SO HOPEFULLY I WILL GET A MESSAGE BACK FROM HER TOO THAT WOULD BE GREAT MAYBE IT WILL HAPPEN THIS WEEK IN MY MAIN STORY WHO KNOWS. 

EVERYTHING IS KIND OF GREAT RIGHT NOW. 

I AM A HAPPY SCOTT. 

SO I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL THE GOOD GUYS IN PRIMETIME WRESTLING FOR MAKING ME FEEL WELCOME HERE AND ALSO THANK ALL THE BAD GUYS FOR FEELING MY UNENDING WRATH AND HELPING ME BECOME UNDEFEATED BY NOT BEING AS GOOD AT WRESTLING AS I AM. THE POWER OF GOOD AND SUPLEXES CAN CONQUER ALL AND THIS WEEK I GET TO CONQUER TWO DIFFERENT OPPONENTS AT THE SAME TIME IN A THREESOME WHICH WILL I THINK MAKE ME FOUR AND OH. ONE OF THEM IS THAT BAD HOMBRE PETE WHEALDON WHO I AM PRETTY SURE KICKS PUPPIES AND TWIRLS HIS MUSTACHE WHILE HE DOES IT. ANY MAN WITH A MUSTACHE IS A BAD GUY EXCEPT FOR BURT REYNOLDS AND EVEN HE WAS KIND OF A DICK AND ALSO HE IS DEAD NOW FROM NATURAL CAUSES I THINK. THEY HAVE TO BE BAD GUYS BECAUSE TO BE A BABYFACE YOU MUST BE CLEAN SHAVEN IT IS RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME. 

YOUR MUSTACHE IS WHY YOU WILL FAIL. 

MY GILLETTE MACH III IS WHY I WILL WIN. 

WELL THAT AND THE SCOTTACANRANA BUT THAT IS A GIVEN EVEN A PRO KICKBOXER CANNOT KICK OUT OF THE SCOTTACANRANA AND THEY BASICALLY ARE EXPERTS AT DOING KICKS. SO I AM NOT SO WORRIED ABOUT MUSTACHE PETE BUT THERE IS A WILDCARD IN THIS MATCH THAT MAKES ME A VERY NERVOUS SCOTT. IN MY CAREER I HAVE FOUGHT A LOT OF DARK PEOPLE AND I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN A RACIST WAY I JUST MEAN THERE ARE A LOT OF DARK LORDS AND SPOOKY PEOPLE IN WRESTLING AND I HAVE FOUGHT THEM ALL. BUT IN MY THREESOME WITH PETE’S MUSTACHE I ALSO HAVE TO FIGHT THE DARKEST WRESTLER I HAVE EVER FACED AND HE IS DUSK. 

THE VERY CONCEPT OF NIGHT. 

OH MY GOD. 

HOW DO YOU FIGHT THE DARKNESS IT IS EVERYWHERE IT IS SHADOWS AND WHERE THE MOON HANGS OUT AND DUSK IS WHEN GREAT BEAR GOES TO SLEEP SO I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I WILL HAVE GREAT BEAR TO WATCH MY BACK IN THIS THREESOME. SINCE I ALREADY CHALLENGED MUSTACHE MOUNTAIN TO A MATCH AT THE NEXT PAY PER VIEW BUT HE IS AFRAID TO SAY YES BECAUSE OF MY GILLETTE MACH POWER, THIS WEEK I WILL DO SOME SOUL SEARCHING TO FIND OUT HOW TO FIGHT THE DARKNESS AND ALSO PROBABLY GET INTO SOME SHENANIGANS THAT ULTIMATELY HELP ME GROW AS A PERSON. 

OKAY THANK YOU FOR READING I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY UNLESS YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE OR MAKE THE SUN GO AWAY IN A CANOE LIKE AN EGYPTIAN GOD, THEN YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.

OKAY BYE. 

 

——————

 

“Are you sure about this, Mr. Gratesburgh?”

He is absolutely not sure about this. Our hero and yours, GREAT SCOTT, stands in the driveway of a currently under construction 42 story mansion, wearing a hard hat on his head and holding a clipboard in his hand. GREAT BEAR, who is also wearing a hard hat, stands behind him listening to low-fi grooves on his sweet Beats by Dre headphones.

Around him, a group of contractors stand in a semi-circle, also wearing hard hats. In fact, until further notice, just go ahead and assume that everyone you see is wearing a hard hat. We will let you know promptly when OSHA rules are no longer in effect. 

GREAT SCOTT: NO I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT SURE OF THIS. 

See? I told you. I am a reliable narrator. 

The clipboard in his hands holds a stack of paperwork, still lacking the necessary signatures and initials. SCOTT takes a deep breath, looking over the contract one last time as the semi-circle of contractors waits for him to render a decision. 

Head Contractor: This is like six weeks worth of work, Mr. Gratesburgh. You have invested a lot of money in this project. We’ve put a lot of work into it. I really think you should—

GREAT SCOTT: NO I HAVE DECIDED. I WANT YOU TO STOP WORKING ON MY 42 STORY MANSION. IT IS TOO MANY FLOORS EVEN FOR A MANSION. WHAT WOULD I DO WITH ALL OF THOSE FLOORS. IF I AM GOING TO BE THE GOOD GUY THAT PRIMETIME WRESTLING DESERVES I CANNOT HAVE DISTRACTIONS LIKE VERY LONG LIMOS AND HUGE MANSIONS. EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE VERY BADASS THAT IS THE OLD ME. I AM A NEW SCOTT. 

With one last long sigh, GREAT SCOTT puts the pen to paper, signing his name in all capital letters on the contract. The contractors all look around at one another, suddenly wondering how they’re going to pay their mortgages— this project was going to take care of them for the entire summer and maybe even into the fall. 

Other Contractor: Hey uh. SCOTT? It’s none of my business, man, but Batman was rich and had a mansion. I’m just saying. 

His name is almost signed– the letters GREAT SCO have been printed on the termination agreement, but since his name is not legally GREAT SCO, there is still time to reconsider his actions. He’d spent a lot of his fortune on building this majestic tribute to GREATNESS– nearly every dollar he’d earned the hard way, by inheriting it from his parents when they were murdered by the mafia. 

GREAT SCOTT: OH MY GOD BATMAN IS THE NIGHT AND THIS WEEK I AM FACING THE DUSK WHICH IS EARLIER THAN THE NIGHT. IT COULD BE THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STOP HIM. I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BUILD A CAVE UNDERNEATH THIS MANSION AND BECOME BATSCOTT AND COMMIT TO A WHOLE NEW LIFESTYLE. THIS IS HOW I WILL BECOME THE ULTIMATE GOOD GUY IN PRIMETIME WRESTLING I WILL BE BATSCOTT AND I WILL NEVER KILL ONLY BREAK BONES AND RUIN LIVES. IT WAS SO SIMPLE THIS WHOLE TIME AND I–

As GREAT SCOTT glances to his left, he can see GREAT BEAR still vibing to those low-fi jams on his sweet Beats by Dre headphones, but there is something else in the eyes of the Grizzly Warrior. Or maybe he’s a black bear? He’s definitely not a polar bear but it would be rude to just ask his ethnicity I guess. Anyway, there is something else in the eyes of GREAT BEAR. Something that hits GREAT SCOTT in the center of his chest, just off from the heart a little bit because of a birth defect. It’s a lot to get into in narration. 

SCOTT knows what he must do. 

GREAT SCOTT: I AM SORRY I KNOW YOU ARE HARD WORKING CONTRACTORS AND HAVE A LOT OF MOUTHS TO FEED BUT I CAN’T LIVE IN A 42 STORY MANSION ANYMORE NO MATTER HOW TOTALLY DOPE IT WOULD BE. I NEED TO BECOME PRIMETIME WRESTLING’S ULTIMATE GOOD GUY WITHOUT USING SHORTCUTS OR CHEAT CODES BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT BAD GUYS DO IN ADDITION TO GROWING MUSTACHES. 

With a flourish of the pen, he finished the final letters of his name, leaving an all caps GREAT SCOTT on the signature line. He hands the clipboard back to the head contractor, giving him a full on salute and shaking his hand as he rids himself of the agreement. 

GREAT SCOTT: BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU WILL NOT BE OUT OF WORK BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A STOP WORK ORDER THIS IS A KEEP WORKING ORDER JUST ON A DIFFERENT BUILDING. THIS BUILDING WILL NOW BE THE GREAT SCOTT FORTY TWO STORY ORPHANAGE FOR CHILDREN WHO HAD PARENTS WHO WERE MURDERED BY THE MAFIA OR HAD OTHER BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO THEM AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO FINISH IT VERY QUICKLY. I AM GOING TO GET A REASONABLE APARTMENT FOR A MAN OF MY AGE AND LEVEL OF FAME AND TRY TO WORK MYSELF BACK UP TO SOMEDAY LIVE IN A FORTY THREE STORY MANSION THAT I EARNED INSTEAD OF INHERITING THE MONEY FROM MAFIA MURDER OKAY THANKS GUYS HAVE A GREAT DAY YOUR NEW BOSS IS NAMED DANDY DAVE AND HE WILL BE HERE SOON TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. 

Stepping off of the construction site, GREAT SCOTT can feel a weight lifted from his shoulders. He also feels a weight lifted off his head, as he is finally able to take off his hard hat and tuck it under his arm. GREAT BEAR grooves in tow, leaving his hard hat on because it’s kind of a vibe now and he’s feeling it. 

He takes a long look back at the mansion behind him, a dream that has been squashed by what is now an even bigger dream– an orphanage that will help kids become GREAT, like he did. Of course, his orphanage was mostly sitting on hot radiators and eating the day old bread that James Johns gave away on weekends. I don’t know if you knew that Jimmy Johns used to be called James Johns in the olden times, but when you hang with GREAT SCOTT, you’re bound to learn a thing or two. 

And so is he. 

GREAT SCOTT: YOU KNOW GREAT BEAR I REALLY LEARNED A THING OR TWO TODAY. 

See? I told you, I’m a very reliable narrator. 

GREAT SCOTT: I LEARNED THAT MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING AND IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW MANY FLOORS ARE IN YOUR MANSION. MAYBE I WILL FIND A NICE FIVE OR SEVEN STORY MANSION INSTEAD THAT SEEMS MORE BEFITTING OF A MAN LIKE ME GREAT SCOTT. BUT DON’T WORRY GREAT BEAR THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A PLACE FOR YOU AS MY BEST FRIEND AND ROOMMATE. 

GREAT SCOTT smiles, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his new, sensible iPhone 13. As much as he misses 6G internet, he knows that the humility of using a current-gen phone will ultimately help guide him to a place of humility and greater self-respect, which is kind of part of the whole journey that he’s on. He opens his Tinder account, scrolling to the messages to check them for the ninetieth time today.

GREAT SCOTT: I DON’T UNDERSTAND GREAT BEAR WHY HASN’T SHE MESSAGED ME YET HER NAME IS LITERALLY GREAT THOTT YOU WOULD THINK THAT THIS ONE WAS KIND OF A NO BRAINER.

He pulls down to refresh again, and this time his eyes light up as one new message appears at the top of his feed. The reduced speed of his phone after losing 6G must have caused it to lag, not showing that he had a notification. GREAT SCOTT quickly opens the message, the biggest smile on his face as he stares at the words on the app: 

Hey bb check out my OnlyFans page at onlyfans.com/TerribleTina

Our hero looks at the message again, realizing that he didn’t check the name. He furrows his brow. 

GREAT SCOTT: THANKS TERRIBLE TINA BUT I AM WAITING FOR A MESSAGE FROM MY SOULMATE GREAT THOTT AND ALSO I AM A WRESTLING NOT A FAN THAT WEBSITE LOOKS LIKE IT IS ONLY FOR FANS IT SAYS IT RIGHT IN THE NAME. 

He pulls down to refresh one more time, ignoring the solicitation and making one last desperate attempt to make a connection. And then, as though the narrative was coming to an end, it’s right there on the screen: One new message from GREAT THOTT. 

GREAT SCOTT: I AM SO HAPPY. THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT. 

He clicks the message…. as the scene fades. Isn’t that disappointing? To have to wait like two more weeks to see if this is going to be worth the buildup? Aren’t you annoyed at how invested you’ve become in GREAT SCOTT? Don’t you want to see him beat the brakes off of Dusk and the Mustache Guy? 

It’s okay, you don’t have to answer. 

Just tune in next week after he beats two more guys phoning it in against a “jokey jabroni”.

 

——————

 

HEY GUYS IT’S ME GREAT SCOTT AGAIN.

SO LISTEN I HAVE THOUGHT MORE ABOUT THIS BATSCOTT THING AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA NO MATTER HOW SMALL MY HOUSE IS. BATMAN NEVER HELD THE IMPULSE CHAMPIONSHIP AND I DO NOT THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE ANY ROLE MODELS WHO WERE NOT THE IMPULSE CHAMPION BEFORE. I GUESS MAYBE I COULD MAKE IMPULSE MY ROLE MODEL SINCE THE BELT IS NAMED AFTER HIM BUT ALSO I THINK HE IS KIND OF A NERD SO MAYBE I WILL JUST KEEP TRUSTING MY CONSCIENCE AND LETTING IT BE MY GUIDE.

I AM DOING THIS FOR ALL OF YOU. 

THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME GREAT SCOTT AND TEACHING ME THAT EVEN THOUGH I AM ALREADY GREAT THAT I COULD MAYBE WORK REALLY HARD AND SOMEDAY BE GREATER SCOTT. I WANT TO BE A ROLE MODEL TO THE ORPHANS AND ALL THE KIDS OUT THERE AND TEACH THEM THAT EVEN IF THEY ARE POOR AND ONLY HAVE IPHONE 13S THEY CAN LIVE IN THE 42 STORY MANSIONS OF THEIR HEARTS. EXCEPT WHEN IT GETS COLD THEN PLEASE FIND A REAL HOUSE TO SLEEP IN PLEASE IT IS ONLY A METALPHOR. I AM NOT BAD AT SPELLING THAT IS JUST A METAPHOR BUT IT’S METAL AS HECK. 

SO IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS. 

I HAVE NEVER HAD A THREESOME BEFORE. I HAVE BEEN WITH A LOT OF OPPONENTS IN MY LIFE BUT NEVER TWO AT THE SAME TIME. DUSK AND PETE WHEALDON SURE ARE JERKS AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN BETWEEN TWO MEN WHO WERE JERKING BEFORE ESPECIALLY NOT IN A THREESOME. I ALMOST HAD A THREESOME IN OCW BUT THAT WAS WITH LOGAN AND LILITH AND I FEEL LIKE A THREESOME WITH A MAN AND A WOMAN WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER WAY TO TRY IT FOR THE FIRST TIME BUT OH WELL THIS IS HOW LIFE GOES. 

I GUESS MAYBE I AM A LITTLE NERVOUS. 

BUT IT IS WHEN YOU ARE NERVOUS ABOUT A THREESOME THAT YOU MOST GET TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE GREAT. MY DAD TOLD ME THAT AND HE WAS MURDERED BY THE MAFIA SO I HAVE ALWAYS HELD THAT ADVICE IN MY HEART. ALSO HE WAS KILLED AT DUSK SO I GUESS THIS IS JUST ANOTHER TIME I HAVE TO AVENGE MY PARENTS’ MURDER AND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT ALL OF THOSE MAFIA GUYS HAD MUSTACHES. OH MY GOD THIS THREESOME IS JUST ME VERSUS A CIRCLE OF JERKS. 

MY FIRST THREESOME IS A CIRCLE OF JERKS. 

I CAN’T BE THINKING ABOUT THREESOMES AND JERK CIRCLES AND EVIL MUSTACHE RIDES RIGHT NOW EVERYBODY I HAVE TO GO ANSWER THIS MESSAGE FROM GREAT THOTT AND BOY IS IT A DOOZY. SO I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT DAY AND A GREAT WEEK AND HOPEFULLY THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I WILL BE FOUR AND ZERO BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE GREAT. IN OCW WHENEVER I LOST THE UNIVERSE WOULD PUNISH ME AND THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO SEE ME BE SAD SO MAYBE WRESTLING GOD IF YOU ARE WATCHING PLEASE MAKE SURE I DO NOT BREAK MY UNDEFEATED STREAK THIS WEEK. 

OH AND FUCK YOU PETE WHEALDON YOU LITTLE COWARD BITCH. 

FIGHT ME AT THE PAY-PER-VIEW.