Dr. Reform’s Terrible Sing-A-Long Blog?
Posted on 02/04/23 at 1:15pm by Darin Zion
Event: ReVival 22
Darin Zion
We open up with a few highlights from Darin Zion’s return to singles action over the past few weeks:
{PWA-01 — 01/14/2023}
Darin Zion sees it coming and spins into a Ban Hammer discus clothesline! He catches Rocky mid-air and takes him nearly out of his dino-suit! Zion picks up his opponent, palpitates his hand over his heart three times, and spikes de Leon with the Tough Love headlock driver! Rocky flops like a fish on the canvas holding his neck.
He goes for the pin and hooks the leg for good measure…
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: The winner of this match…..REAL LOVE Darin Zion!
{HOW Chaos 019 — 01/22/23}
Stevens’ face turns bright red as he releases Zion’s neck and REAL LOVE drops towards the ground. The music keeps playing while Stevens’ head scans the arena, the crowd, the announcers table. EVERY WHERE POSSIBLE. Stevens’ heart is beating intensely, ready to take down his rival. His sights are targeting the man who embarrassed him at PWA-01. Stevens taunts the air, hoping to find Jace before Jace finds him.
However, Zion gets back to his feet, noticing the distracted Stevens. The vein pulses out of his forehead. REAL LOVE readies himself. As Stevens backs into Zion, Darin seizes the opportunity.
SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!
Joe Hoffman: That’s the sickest looking Headlock Slam I’ve ever seen from any wrestler. That’s Zion’s trademark Tough Love Signature move. He planted Scott Stevens’ skull first into the mat with authority. Boettcher’s counting the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THREEEEEEEEEEE!!
DING DING DING DING!
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner in 18 minutes via pinfall…and moving into the second round of the LSD Championship Contenders Tournament….DAAAAAAAAAAARIN ZIIIIIIIION!
{HOW Chaos 020 — 01/29/23}
Xander has lost his grip on Zion who continues to sink his teeth into the tender flesh of Azula. Zion lets go of Azula then rocks him with a brutal headbutt that just about knocks both men loopy. Zion gathers up Xander then leaps off the top rope.
Joe Hoffman: THE SIXTH STAR OFF THE TOP ROPE!
Both men crash down to the canvas in an absolute trainwreck of flesh and bone. Zion leans back against Xander, unable to make a more suitable cover, as Boettcher slides in for the count.
ONE
TWO
THREE
DING DING!!!
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner and advancing to the finals of the LSD Championship tournament… REALLLLLL LOVEEEEEEEE DARINNNNNNN ZIONNNNNNN!!!!!
The scene fades back into a nice, fancy locker room in the Amway Center in sunny Orlando, Florida. It’s round filled with nice wooden lockers. The PRIME blue Orlando Magic carper is in focus with REAL LOVE? TOUGH LOVE? Whatever he wants to be called….Darin Zion. Standing right next to him is the sharp dressed Simon Tillier—who is standing by adjusting his bright red-tinted glasses. Zion’s got his arms crossed waiting for PRIME’s Junior Interviewer to ask him a question.
Darin Zion: Are we about to kick this thing off? I’ve got a lot of fuckin’ places to be today! I’m in-demand these days…
Simon Tellier: Uh…sorry Mr. Zion…trying to get the perfect shot for everything.
Darin Zion: You’re worse than that Brian Bare idiot from HOW…I swear. You can’t find good help these days.
After the camera crew finishes their adjustments, Mr. Tillier raises his microphone up. The production crew gives good ole’ Simon a thumbs up. The naïve, young Junior Interview starts prodding The Man of Love with his questions.
Simon Tillier: Ladies and gentlemen…I’d like to welcome today’s guest…
After rolling his eyes, Darin Zion yanks the microphone from the interviewer’s hands. Darin Zion’s eyes give Simon Tillier a stern glare. Mr. Zion can’t help himself to scold the newbie.
Darin Zion: I’m Darin Zion…just Darin Zion…didn’t want you to screw that up. Right now, I get it…it’s a little confusing…
Zion hands back the microphone…but with force. Knocking Simon off balance, the new kid in town stumbles backward. Simon adjusts himself, giving the camera a shot of his brilliant, pearly whites. The overly enthusiastic kid rebounds and continues.
Simon Tillier: Riiiiiiiight….have called you REAL LOVE. You keep alluding you may want to change it to TOUGH LOVE…
Darin Zion: It’s simply Darin Zion right now for YOUR purposes. I haven’t earned my new branding yet. I still haven’t won a singles match on PRIME soil yet…
Simon Tillier: Yet you’ve got the people talking right now. After your first singles victory over PRIME star Rocky De Leon; you’ve started chalking up a nice string of wins.
Darin Zion: It’s still a humble 3 and 0…
Simon Tillier: Still a more impressive feat than your last 4 years COMBINED…
The Man Filled with Love crosses his arms in front of his chest. The vein in Zion’s forehead starts to throb—his face turning a brilliant shade of #97Red. Biting down on his lip, he lets the young upstart continue. Simon pauses for a moment out of fear, waiting for Zion to snap. Regaining composure, the Syracuse graduate continues.
Simon Tillier: Anyways…it’s gotten PRIME officials’ attention right now. They’ve booked you in the upcoming Alias Title Tournament. You’re first match is against Dr. Ned Reform and…
Darin Zion lets out a huge groan, rolling his eyes into the back of his head.
Simon Tillier: What?
Darin Zion: Let me guess…you’re building up a long-winded story to get to what happened at Revival 021…
Simon Tillier: The Tag Team Title Celebration fiasco?!
Darin Zion: No…I’m talking about TAL losing his title belt…
Simon looks at Zion with a puzzled look. Darin’s jaw drops to the floor in shock while Ned keeps standing their like some nerdy mark.
Darin Zion: My God…you are so fuckin’ gullible. PRIME hired you to interview me?!?! GOD this is a train wreck.
Simon Tillier: Okay…anyways Mr. Zion…you and the Love Convoy?
Darin Zion: We are fine. F-I-N-E! The Love Convoy is FINE! They’re not going to be a distraction in this match. Vickie, Tristan, and JC understand my boundaries. They all understand I need to handle my conquest for gold alone. They’ve stayed out of my LSD Title Tournament match ups in HOW. I’m sure they’ll keep out of my business with Dr. Reform. It’s all peachy-keen jelly bean over in Hall-Mark land. I need this for me.
Simon Tillier: You sure, Mr. Zion? You’ve needed their help before today! They left you high and dry picketing outside the MGM Grand. And you definitely needed Vickie and Jonathan-Christopher’s help at Colossus when the Popsicles…
Darin Zion plants the palm of his hand straight on his forehead.
SMAAAAAACK!
Darin Zion: My GAWWWWWD! Seriously kid?! You’re not winning me over for a second interview. My schedule’s seriously filling up right now. Between HOW and PRIME appearances…you’re terrible interviewing skills are WASTING MY PRECIOUS TIME to give myself some self-love…
Simon Tillier: Did you just admit to…
Darin Zion: FUCK IT! I haven’t gotten time to waste with idiot hacks like yourself. I’m about to go to war with one of the world’s most intelligent men over a new championship belt. You’re over here killing more brain cells….which I’ll fucking need to take down Dr. Ned Reform. He’s got a Ph.D in horribleness. Knowing this schmuck; he’s probably invented some DEATH LASER to cheat him way to victory.
Simon Tillier: That’s Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog…
Darin Zion: Whatever…Dr. Ned Reform and his terrible sing-a-long vlog need my attention more than this shit show.
Darin Zion pushes the microphone away from him and storms off the set. In the background we can Zion screaming at the top of his lungs.
Darin Zion: FOR FUCK SAKES WHY DIDN’T VICKIE FIX THIS APPOINTMENT! THIS NERD IS SUCH A GOD DAMN BUZZKILL!!!
==========
Jonathan-Christopher Hall
iMessage
02/01/23 12:56pm
-Seriously? Vickie booked me with THAT loser?!
I get why Matt Mills doesn’t want to talk to a loser like me
But she couldn’t hook me up with Angelica Brooks?!
Sure that broad is married…but REAL LOVE could convince her to swing.
–zion…now is NOT a good time
–Bruh! Simon is soooooo bland.
–zi…plz…vickie is piiiiiiisssed at u
dont hit me up right now
–Really? We still on this? I said I’m not leaving.
I got ur back man. Ur my bestie
My bfffffff
–i get it…u wanna accomplish something on ur own
been there myself zi!
just gotta stand by my boo and give u wat u want!
-This is goin’ rough and it’s a tough pinch going against Dr. Reform this week
maybe I’m too much in my headspace
–shoulda thought bout that b4 ruining vickies grand party
mayb apologize? IDK!
–watevs man…guess ill see you in Orlando
–IDK will we see u?
TWO DAYS LATER…
UNBLOCKED….
Vickie Hall
iMessage
02/03/22 9:59pm
-Vickie? Vickie? Vickie?
[Types for minutes…does not send message.]
–Vickie!!! Let’s talk this out!!
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings…
[Types again for minutes…does not send message.]
–I get that sometimes I’m brash and harsh
it’s just…I’m feelin’ a lot of pressure
Things are comin’ into perspective. 15 years…still no major title win
I’m down in the dumps right now. I wanted to accomplish something.
I failed us at Colossus. It was our moment…MY MOMENT
And I couldn’t keep spinning the same wheels over and over again.
I’ve lied to myself for the last 4 years
it wasn’t my fault any of my losses happened….it was everyone elses.
I couldn’t keep playing the same broken record again and again
[Types again for minutes…does not send message.]
-I get I ruined your party…but I needed to say what I said
I needed to re-establish somethings…define new boundaries in our relationship
I needed to change course and evolve. And I…
DING!
–no u were loud and clear this time, zi-guy.
plz leave me alone right now…
–Vickie…I’m sorry…
–plz….just stahp, zion
i need sum time…
SLAAAAAAAAM!
Darin Zion flops down on his bed at the Hilton Garden in in West Layfette, Indiana. Multiple thoughts keep swirling in his head:
- The pressures of his upcoming LSD Title Finals Match
- His first-round match against Dr. Ned Reform for the Alias Title
- His friendship choices with the Love Convoy
- His 0-4 record in PRIME directly
- His life choice to return to HOW
- How he can rebound his career
- The pressures of being away from his family in Oklahoma, especially his nephew
A worried look appears on Zion’s face—he’s overwhelmed with everything. To Darin, the room is spinning with all these haunting memories. Darin Zion rests both of his hands over his face—he only wants some peace and quiet.
Maybe another round of gym trainings in order. That’s it! Darin could always hit the treadmill for an hour, do some reps…prep for both matches. As Zion struggles to pull himself out of the comfortable bed, a familiar sound echoes from his iPhone…
TWEEET OOOOOH!
The Twitter notification noise this late at night? Well…at least they aren’t Jabber who banned his ass too…
Fumbling through his phone, Zion opens the annoying bird app. His eyes light up from all the things he’s witnessing life.
@ZionFan69420:
WHOA! The Great HONK-ening is happening! LFG!!!! #RallyZion
@PRIMECultureWrestling:
Zion’s on a roll! If he keeps this momentum…he’ll be a champion in no time
@RossMossRapp:
Can’t believe I’m sayin’ this…I’m pulling for Zion in both the LSD and Alias Title tournaments. #TOUGHLOVE
@MaveFeltzer:
TOUGH LOVE is gaining traction. Hope Zion capitalizes and punches his ticket. His vulnerability will print MOOOONEY!
@HOWaLOIC97:
Zion’s the most relevant he’s been in YEAAAAR. That Tag Celebration Promo is FIIIIIIIRE!
Darin’s jaw drops straight to the floor. He can’t help but muttering out something to the love he’s receiving.
Darin Zion: OH MY GOD!
==========
Date: 02/08/23
Time: 1:43 PM
Location: Thakker Ranch –MaComb, OK
After the long haul of one of Zion’s busiest weeks…Darin makes a deserve stop to his brother’s ranch out in the middle of nowhere. Pulling up in his Blue 2021 Honda Civic, REAL TOUGH LOVE emerges from the car to the adoration of his young nephew Easton Thakker.
Easton Thakker: UNCLE DARIN! UNCLE DARIN! UNCLE DAAAAAAARIN!
The young tike wraps his tiny arms tightly around his uncle’s legs. A rare, radiant smile cracks over Zion’s face. Darin grabs Easton’s hand and both enter the large, oak doors to the massive living room area. There’s leather furniture, a hand made barn wood TV cabinet—stuff you wouldn’t expect a redneck in the middle of nowhere to own. Zion’s eyes still pop out in awe when he sees the hand made support beams all crafted by his half-brother.
Jackson emerges from the kitchen—smoke pours out the barn doors behind the Burly Oklahoman.
Jackson Thakker: Just in time, bro. I’ve been fixin’ lunch. Y’er favorite too!!! Good ole fashion Chicken Fried Steak with Mashed Taters and Gravy. MMMM BOY!
Both Zion and Thakker embrace before young Easton rushes around into the living room to play with his toys. Darin and Jackson both set down at the large, cherry wood table and serve lunch.
Silence happens while both men partake in a massive feast. Both men enjoy each other’s company after long, stressful weeks. As Jackson snarfs down the last bit of his homecooked meal, he initiates conversation between the two.
Jackson Thakker: Still got a tough road ahead of ya, eh? That brainiac’s standin’ in y’er way to some more singles gold…
Darin Zion: Yeah, honestly I’m at a loss for words against that man. I’ve taken down World Champions and threats over the course of the last few weeks. But I’ve never stepped foot in the ring with a certified genius.
Darin wipes some gravy off his face and takes a drink of iced tea before continuing his thoughts.
Darin Zion: I’ve never stepped in the ring with this guy. I wouldn’t know the first thing about his style. Honestly, I fully expect this man to be a mastered technician. I’m sure the bastard will fully implore studying various tapes across my 18-year career. He’ll find ways to exploit my weaknesses to fully torture me…before locking in his Crossface Chickenwing—the Ad Hominem.
Jackson Thakker raises his eyes brow up in confusion.
Jackson Thakker: The whos-whatits? What in tarnation ya talkin’ bout, Darin? Y’er using big words there…
Darin Zion: Dr. Ned Reform—the only wrestler to teach at Yale. Someone with intellectual superiority.
Jackson Thakker lets out a hardy chuckle before slapping his knees. Water almost comes flying out of his nose, but Thakker contains his amusement. Jackson’s big grin reassures Zion.
Jackson Thakker: Non-sense! That’s absolute hooey! Dr. Ned Reform couldn’t last a minute in the real world. He’s one of them book worms. That’s city folk bullshit if you ask me.
Darin Zion is less than amused by his brother’s hot redneck takes. Folding his arms against his chest, Zion leans back in his cherry wood chair, letting his brother spew off nonsense.
Jackson Thakker: Let me tell ya somethin’ boi. There’s something I read by Toana Chivenko…a little well-known author out there.
Darin Zion: You actually read a book?
Jackson Thakker: Read tons of ‘em all the time. Listen to ‘em on audio book too. Fancy that! There’s a lot of time I spend nose deep in the spine of good books.
Darin Zion nods while he continues to listen.
Jackson Thakker: Good ole’ Toana wrote that history isn’t shaped by men of genius. It’s shaped by the unwavering will of men. Men who focus whatever brains on power…well history hasn’t been kind to ‘em. In the end Brawn does the heavy lifting. Brawn always wins the war.
Darin Zion: Fair point…
Jackson Thakker: Ya don’t have to out smart the guy in the ring. Ya gotta knock the fool out. Beat ‘em within an inch of his life. Ya gotta be about this TOUGH LOVE shit y’er spouting, brother. Make a statement and out brawn the bookworm. Speak from that heart of y’ers. FIGHT ‘EM with it too. Trust me.
Darin Zion: Oh I understand…trust me I grew up in the big city. I was the awkward, annoying bookworm before I entered this sport. Let’s just say the streets taught me a lot of things. Rather I was a poor, California boy…or fighting on the rough neighborhoods in Chicago. I’ve been there. You wouldn’t know half the stories I have from those days.
Darin excuses himself from the table to spend the rest of his day with Easton. But something felt different for Darin. Maybe it was Jackson’s pep talk or maybe Zion found some more self-confidence he lacked. But either way, one things Zion knew going into this match; he was gonna fight like hell.
==========
“I bet you expected I’d pull out some good old-fashioned bullshit out of my hat this week. Maybe you anticipated I’d stand in front of some classroom giving a lecture. I’m sure to expected me to use the old pipes to sing a terrible parody I would create about Dr. Horrible Sing-A-Long Blog. It all writes itself…Zion singing BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! Dr. Ned Reforms Terrible Sing-A-Long Blog. My joke would miss the mark, right? It’s the same old shit different day.
Sure, I mean you’re just like Dr. Horrible. You’ve got this amazing finisher that’s put away 50% of your opponents in PRIME. Your definitely Penny-less…no one will love your pathetic ass. You’re definitely the awkward turtle in most social situations too…
But let’s cut to the damn chase. We both know this a’int a fuckin’ shit show when we step into the ring against each other. The stakes are too high in this good old-fashioned game of knuckle-dragging fisticuffs. We both got something to prove.
The Alias Title is on the line and both of us can’t afford to choke right now.
You’d think with everything goin’ on in my life right now—you’re gonna outsmart. I’m sure your egoistical, narcissistic intelligence has mapped out 1,004 different ways to gain the upper hand in our encounter. You definitely want to exploit those on-going issues with the Love Convoy or self-doubt I’ve shown. You don’t need me rambling on giving you the answers to the test. You’ve already got them, right?
WRONG! HONK! HONK! HOOOOONKING WRONG!
I’ve put those things behind me, Dr. Reform. This week, you’re gonna get a rude awakening. Some TOUGH LOVE your mama never taught you in the world. The sword isn’t mightier than the paper, so on and so forth.
See I grew up on the tough street of Chicago. They broke me outta that awkward booksmart phase I had in elementary school. Sure, I’m that awkward brooding, lone-wolf type. But I once envied people with your intelligence. I chased after it only to get a cold-hard dose of reality.
The bullies in the school yard beat the living fuck out of me. They toughened me up and set me straight. They showed me the world isn’t full of rainbows and unicorns. I couldn’t expect the best out of humanity. I had to fight or be destroyed. It seems like no one ever taught you that lesson.
Intelligence doesn’t win the wars—it only helps build the strategy. It never finishes the job. It’s only the building blocks for brute force to sweep right through and conquer.
That’s what I’m gonna do to you when we step into that ring. You’re gonna whip out these amazing feats of intellect and wrestling psychology. But you’re not gonna know what to do when I nail a STIFF, HARD TOUGH LOVE Headlock Driver and split your skull open. You’re not gonna know what do when I drop you neck first on the ground with a German Suplex.
I’m gonna take your greatest strength and I’m going to scramble it all over the mat in Orlando, Florida. Tournaments are my thing now. And I’m gonna win this one and become the next Alias Champion.
You won’t stop my conquest for gold, doctor. On the contrary, sir. You’ll be the first victim in my own personal lessons to the PRIME locker room. DO NOT underestimate TOUGH LOVE. Because he’ll come out of nowhere when you LEAST expect him to do so.”