Dan Van Slade
Delving into the intriguing realm of deviance and idiocy, this topic correlates directly with the latest addition to the PRIME locker room. Curious about who that might be? Excellent rhetorical question! Before unveiling the answer, let’s thoroughly explore the term idiocy, shedding light on its nuances and baggage. What’s the point of discussing idiocy without making it a prime (or, PRIME) example in itself? How much more absurd can our universe become? That’s the gajillion dollar question.
Firstly, let’s collectively chuckle at the title ‘An Introduction to Deviance & Idiocy.’ Is this really an introduction for you? Idiocy and deviance permeates every corner of our existence, experienced constantly. Let’s be realistic; there’s no escape, no ignoring it. It’s a behavior, unfortunately—or fortunately—depending on one’s level of misery.
Now, ponder this: Are you an idiot? Are you a deviant? No need to answer directly; the question aims to stimulate thought. Idiocy’s perception varies—some revel in it, while others feel wounded pride. Consider Jimmy Joe Jim Bob’s slip on the ice, Belinda Bertha’s burp during a sales meeting, or Billy Willy’s streak across a football field. These instances may seem idiotic, but there are alternative descriptors. Jimmy Joe isn’t necessarily an idiot; he’s clumsy. Belinda Bertha suffers from supragastric belching, and Billy Willy, the streaker, is a gullible individual who can’t refuse his drunken friends. Each, in their own way, exhibits idiocy.
This discussion extends beyond what’s considered ‘the norm.’ Are these individuals deviants? Triple J Bob’s slip on the ice might be an accident, but what if it happened under the influence? Does Ms. Bertha’s burp become deviant when attributed to uncontrollable reflux? The judgmental gaze from her company’s hierarchy suggests so. Señor Willy’s floppy sausage 40 yard dash, however, clearly exhibits unadulterated deviance. Now, linking deviance with idiocy raises an intriguing question: are deviants also idiots? While it might sound redundant, the exploration of concepts such as deviance, adult attention deficit disorder, psychopathy, dissociative disorder and more reveals a nuanced connection. These ideas seamlessly intertwine, setting the stage for a deeper exploration, ultimately leading us to the central figure in this narrative—Dan Van Slade.
Many, many, many phases of the moon ago (1990), in a galaxy far away (Missoula, Montana), a boy slid through the curtains of solitude (use your imagination) and plopped onto the stage of life (metaphorically speaking). It was at this time that the fabric of our narrative took a sour turn. There was a sudden pause in the universe. The cosmos decided to change course, and stars realigned. No cause was documented for the cosmic shift, but legend has it that it began at the exact time Dan Van Slade entered the realm of consciousness.
Iraq annexed Kuwait, and two days later Sadam Hussein declared a jihad against the U.S. and Israel. Has the world been the same since? Pete Rose began his 5 month prison sentence for cheating on his taxes. The number one song in the United States was ‘Visions of Love’ by Mariah Carey. Other song titles in the U.S. top five: The Power, Rub You The Right Way, Cradle of Love, and If Wishes Came True. Dan Van Slade will tell you that all of those songs were written about his birth. LIFE magazine released an issue detailing the first pictures ever on how life begins. That’s convenient. Now to add a cherry on top: the lunar phase was a full moon. Common myth or superstition often links a full moon to deviant behavior. What do you believe?
The birth of the OG deviant sent shock waves across the Milky Way. Deviants of all cultures, shapes, and sizes, woke from their slumber and celebrated en masse. Bullying peaked. Idiocy began its journey toward Idiocracy. Attitude eras began. This became the roots of wokeness. He has risen! He is Him, and deviance shall rain upon thee like fire and brimstone. Or, something of that nature. The Gods gave up. They threw their hands in the air after surviving the 80’s. It was time to summon the Uber Deviant, Prince of Deviance, the Autocrat of the Absurd.
His name is Dan Van Slade and 12,218 days later he’s a professional wrestler. Known by an array of aliases, including ‘Deviant‘ Dan Van Slade, El Taimado, Yokoshimana, and The Super Deviant, he’s a master of versatility. To him, he’s not just a wrestler; he’s a superhero from the distant planet Hipton, wielding the ultra powers of deviance. At times, he transforms into a masked Luchador, passionately spreading the Lucha spirit. On other occasions, he adopts the persona of a daft Yakuza member, more bewildered than focused on his supposed hit missions. What sets Dan apart is that these aren’t gimmicks for different promotions; he embodies them all simultaneously. Like a chameleon seamlessly changing colors, the biggest challenge when dealing with Dan Van Slade is never knowing which version of him you’ll encounter.
Surprisingly, Dan’s demeanor underwent a significant shift upon encountering one of storytelling’s most malevolent characters. This individual derived delight from dismantling and altering objects, akin to a contemporary Dr. Frankenstein engaging in the peculiar art of reanimation. The spark that ignited within Dan’s deviant heart can be traced back to his introduction to Sid from ‘Toy Story.’ No relation to the Sid Phillips of PRIME fame, albeit they share the same last name. The deviance was only beginning.
In 1996, the world unfolded its magic for a six-year-old Dan. Professional wrestling seized his attention, drawing him into the allure of combat within confined spaces and the thrill of instilling fear in opponents. Young Van Slade cherished the idea of possessing bulging muscles and veins akin to those sought after by an addict. His aspiration was to embody a character that exposed societal flaws to millions of wrestling fans worldwide. This became his true calling.
On that fateful day, seated criss-cross applesauce with a bowl of Spider-Man cereal, the prepubescent Dan became mesmerized by the television screen. Thin drool trickled from his lower lip, and an evil Kingpin marshmallow slipped from his mouth mufflers, splashing back into the 2% pool of bubbly udder. Gorilla press slams, face kicks, sidewalk slams, and body-contorting submissions—all adorned with masks, paint, absurdity, idiocy, and drama—epitomized everything Dan had ever yearned for. Dan’s youthful visage seemed to mirror these images, as though a projector had cast them onto it. Professional wrestling emerged as his platform, representing the dream vocation he had envisioned. The deviant considered the medium crucial, intending to utilize it as a megaphone to showcase deviance across the entire universe. Not only to showcase deviance, but to also kick a lot of ass and watch chump bitches crumble beneath him into mounds of crusty skin and bone.
From then on the Deviant was unleashed like a virgin after intercourse. Dan became unstoppable, hungry, and unbelievably callous. He would do whatever it takes to be in a wrestling ring. He dropped out of school (yes, at the age of six) and began intense training. He ran like a Forrest Gump out of Hell, and he didn’t stop running until his electrolytes mutated and his cardiovascular system evolved. He pumped iron with an energy unheard of and he did not stop until his biceps became harder than Paul Reubens at a movie theater. Nobody would get in his way and if they did then he’d find any way possible to stop them. His actions were often the lowest of low and his dense retribution embarrassed all enemies. Dan would go out of his way to expose the worst in someone just to watch them wither away in societal ostracization.
Fast forward to late 2014. After accumulating miles of martial arts belts, numerous trophies, boxing belts, prize money, earning respect in capoeira circles, thousands of certifications, and even obtaining a Ph.D. in Quantum Sarcasm, Dan Van Slade transformed into a human weapon of mass destruction—all while reveling in the spectacle of the world burning. Now, his ambitious next step involved attempting to create a world crippled by deviance. While this daunting task posed a significant challenge, Dan embraced it with enthusiasm.
Dan’s mission centered on securing a contract with a national professional wrestling promotion, aiming to infiltrate its production and disseminate deviance like a corrosive force. However, a crucial obstacle stood in his way—Dan needed an agent. He required someone adept in public relations and strong enough to handle a man of diverse talents and ambitions. Enter David, a key player in this unfolding saga.
Present day, a security guard, appearing fit and impeccably groomed, lounges in an ergonomic desk chair situated behind a marble counter. The channel letter signage on the base of the counter is backlit with LED and reads: ‘Salem Behavioral’. With arms casually resting across his chest, the guard indulges in watching the Golden Girls on a compact flatscreen television, toothpick rhythmically chewed. In his surveillance domain, an array of monitors displays every corner of the building under his watchful responsibility. A manila folder is briskly placed on the counter, prompting the guard’s gaze to shift right. Leaning forward, he interrupts the show, swivels to confront the visitor, and seizes the folder. Flipping it open, he scrutinizes the documents, lifting his eyes to meet the visitor’s gaze. Closing the manila folder, he positions it on the counter and reaches for the phone, pressing a single button.
“There’s a David here to see you,” the guard informs the individual on the other line. He listens carefully to his instructions and then nods before ending the call.
David embodies simplicity, standing at a moderate height with a robust physique and a countenance reminiscent of a blend between young pre-Parkinson’s Michael J. Fox and Jim Parsons. His attire is gentlemanly, featuring dark chinos, brown penny loafers, white knitwear, a brown suit jacket adorned with a yellow pocket square, and an aroma reminiscent of “Born in Roma.” Notably, his near-perfect set of teeth suggests the work of a skilled dentist. As the guard indicates, David heads towards a sliding glass door, and an uneasy alarm chimes, signaling the arrival of an authorized visitor.
What sets Dan Van Slade apart as a truly unconventional deviant? To put it mildly, he can be described as eccentric, bordering on being a bit of a maverick. His psyche is a complex web of issues, with sadism and misanthropy being prominent elements. However, the most significant factor is his struggle with dissociative disorders, particularly dissociative identity and depersonalization-derealization disorder. That’s deep. His past episodes provide a glimpse into the challenges posed by these conditions and help to shed light on the intricate nature of Dan’s mental state. This is not an in-depth exploration of his psychological profile, but rather a brief overview to better comprehend the unique and complex condition Dan’s condition is in.
He’s known as The Super Deviant, the offspring of the esteemed Hiptonian King Voltranisaur Van Slade the Optimus Omnipresent Deviant and Queen Luna of Lunar-X59. The Super Deviant’s mother, Queen Luna, is a war prize from the Great Universal Usurping of Sector MW, the event when the Milky Way became incorporated into Hiptonian rule. Lunar-X59 is the name of the mission that successfully discovered a brand new world within the extremity of the Moon. The colonization of the Moon, Lunar-X59, the 59th attempt, lasted for many years before the Mooninite Army was extinguished by the wrath of the legendary Hiptonian Guard. The despotic Commander Culdcept V laid waste to the colony and brought forth the King of Lunar-X59 to the throne of King Voltranisaur where he was beheaded with the Sword of Deviance in front of his daughter. Luna and Voltranisaur married, she was impregnated, and microscopic Dan swam his way into lore. Hiptonians were amazed when Dan was born wearing a blue leotard with the great SD logo on his chest, red underwear, and a red cape. He is the Divine Deviant.
Embracing this narrative wholeheartedly, Dan believes The Super Deviant was sent to Earth to align human behavior with the appropriate level of deviance, paving the way for Commander Culdcept V’s Hiptonian Guard. Imagine him strolling around dressed like a Temu Superman. The absurdity doesn’t end there; it depends on the situation. Identities are triggered by specific events, times, or even smells. The aroma of huevos rancheros con chorizo often transforms him into EL TAIMADO, defender of the Lucha spirit, and the masked deviant Jesus of the desert wasteland. His Luchadore mask, more Mad Max than Lucha, bears a tiny Mexican flag and a holy cross, maintaining its Lucha authenticity. Lucha Van Slade, the ‘Mexican’ menace, exudes confidence turned up to 100, spreading the ¡ESPÍRITU DE LUCHA! across the land like a deviant form of Christianity. El Taimado, also known as Jesús de la Lucha y la Desviación, is a sensation in the wrestling ring, showcasing an impeccable free-fighting style that makes it hard to believe it’s actually Dan Van Slade under the mask.
And there’s more. Jolly Old St. Deviant appears during Christmas, infiltrating elementary schools to read William S. Burroughs to children and distributing gifts that are usually unpleasant when unwrapped. The legendary figure Yakoshimana, a daft deviant rogue Yakuza, emerges frequently with a contract to eliminate every member of a wrestling roster, though the mission is often met with laughter due to its unrealistic nature. His ability to speak Japanese remains a mystery, considering he was deported from Japan after just one day. The supposed lifetime Dan Japan Ban was negotiated by his agent David, allowing him to tour if necessary. Dan adopted Strong Style, turning into a Puroresu Predator in the ring, and much like El Taimado, the adaptation is remarkable.
Meet Dan Van Slade, a deviant dropout and idiot hailing from Missoula, Montana. His real life story may lack the extravagance of his alter egos, but it resonates with the raw humanity found in true crime documentaries. An obviously complex individual, Dan embodies the epitome of a hot mess, a basket case, and someone doing the backstroke in the grand pool of insanity. Renowned as one of the most dangerous men globally, his unpredictable nature, unwavering stubbornness, and propensity for violence instill fear in those who encounter him. Don’t be deceived by his charming, swiss cheese grin; each missing tooth holds a tale of its own. The ink on his skin tells a story too, with tattoos ranging from characters like Vivian from ‘The Young Ones,’ Walter White from ‘Breaking Bad,’ to an Information Retrieval member donning a baby mask from ‘Brazil,’ and Charlie Meadows from ‘Barton Fink.’ His pride and joy is on his right bicep and the tattoo reads: “Harass a Nice Day!” with a smiley face underneath.
His wardrobe is a statement in itself. His favorite red shirt proudly features Sun Tzu on the front, accompanied by the profound quote: “Stand by the river long enough and watch your enemies float by.” Among his cherished footwear, he still sports a pair of Osiris D3’s from 2003, alternating with a well-worn set of ‘87 Air Jordan’s, a trophy lifted proudly from a Vermont thrift store escapade.
“Once more, you are beckoned…“
The voice resonates with hollowness, slamming down like a hammer striking red-hot steel, and a perfect bourgeois timbre. Three cloaked figures hover effortlessly above a kneeling Dan Van Slade, an unusual sight as he’s exposed, naked, reminiscent of the appearance of a Terminator. Within the magnificent Fortress of Deviance, holographic images materialize at its center, each figure’s face concealed beneath hoods. These enigmatic figures represent the Hiptonian Committee, the authoritative body serving under King Voltranisaur and acting as the King’s mouthpiece.
“Do you grasp the essence of your mission, Prince?” The question pierces the air, and the committee lingers in anticipation of a response. Slowly, another committee member extends an arm, and a lightning bolt descends upon the submissive deviant. The air crackles with sparks and smoke, eventually giving way to dissipation. Emerging from the aftermath stands the Super Deviant, his cape billowing with pride and the glistening SD logo on his chest. His curly hair is slicked back, and he strikes a pose reminiscent of the cover of Superman #6, hands confidently on his hips.
“I do, your honor,” confidently declares the Super Deviant, a devious grin slowly spreading across his face.
“The Earthly league known as PRIME will be your testament,” states the main committee member. “This will be your final chance, for King Voltranisaur the Optimus Omnipresent Deviant will not have a spawn fail a second time. Are you aware of the ramifications if you are unable to secure your platform and spread our deviance for total domination?” The quiz catches The Super Deviant by surprise. His baby blue eyes dart around the room, scratching his chin, lips pushing upward, and nose crinkling as he side-eyes the committee.
“Lemme guess,” the deviant hero answers, “I will be hung from my testicles by meathooks over a pit of ravenous, hungry, septic serpents while being whipped with a lash made from my mother’s hair? Or, will my eyelids be pried open with jersey pins while I’m locked into a chair and scheduled to watch non-stop loops of the show ‘Small Wonder‘?”
“Good,” the committee member continues, “the fate of our world depends on you, Prince. Your first task will be to commit to a professional wrestling match against a human named Mar, and another named Bryan Dawkins. You will be sent to a land known for the love of brothers, Philadelphia, in the state of Pennsylvania, Earth quadrant H21787. The Earthly league of PRIME will subject you to brutal beatings, and you will walk through hell with over thirty other fearless humans in a grandiose attempt to become PRIME Universal Champion.” The committee fades, and an image of the Universal Championship appears holographically before the Super Deviant.
“Oh, that’s pretty,” the caped deviant says with amazement. He’s suddenly confused. “Wait, did you say Bryan Dawkins? As in the former Philadelphia Eagle? I hate the Eagles. I hate Eagles, period.”
“Negative, Prince,” the committee fades back into the hologram. “Bryan Dawkins of PRIME spells his first name with a y, not an i. Eagles have been added to your list of annihilation. The professional football team, the Philadelphia Eagles, also added.”
“Dope,” the Prince of Deviance continues. “What can you tell me about this Mar, and the guy who will most likely get cheered because he has the same name as a Philly legend?”
“Members of the PRIME roster are elite in their craft,” is the direct response. “We can give you a tale of the tape, but your opponents seek the same as you, Prince. They seek fame, relevance, and to be the best in the greatest professional wrestling promotion on planet Earth. You are built to destroy, and humans have been built to be destroyed. It seems as if they’re doing an exquisite job destroying themselves, so you may focus on the big picture. Ultimate deviance. Open the hatch for Commander Culdcept V and the Hiptonian Guard. Once complete – you will be forever immortalized, and King Voltranisaur will relinquish his crown, throne, and Sword of Deviance to you.”
“Well, holy shit, that’s really dope,” and the Deviant turns his head, peers into the distance, and contemplates. “So,” he looks back at the committee, “when am I scheduled for descent?”
“No need for descension,” the committee member states. The hero looks confused and takes a step back as the member continues. “You’re already there.” The committee fades away, and The Super Deviant’s jaw drops. His agent, David, suddenly appears in holographic form and dressed in the same attire described earlier.
“Dan,” David says, “Dan – hello? Earth to Dan. It’s time to go. Are you ready?” The Fortress of Deviance suddenly cracks. Light peers through the lacerations, and it all begins to crumble like shattering glass leaving the Super Deviant standing in front of his agent and surrounded by doctors dressed in white coats. The hero is no longer present. Dan Van Slade stares at his agent with a smile as three members of the Salem Behavioral security staff begin unbuckling Dan’s straight jacket.
“You’re being released!” David exclaims to his befuddled client. “I was able to get you a job with PRIME on account of your excellent behavior these last few years. That and you have to take a lot of medication. Wow, nine years, Dan. It’s been nine years. You ready to kick some ass again, my man?”
The straight jacket is off. Dan slowly studies the boring hallway. He catches the eye of each and every doctor, orderly, and then David. He looks down at a plain white t-shirt, white trousers, and then at his tattoos. He wiggles his fingers, then cracks his neck to the right and left and cracks his jaw. He nods. His comfort and solace in this moment are highlighted by only one word with a devious grin.