Bandits Rule or is it Bandit Rules?

“I may have gone too far in a few places.”
– – George Lucas
– – Idea stolen from Cecilia Ryan

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ReVival #8

The smiling face of Bobby Dean leads the victorious duo back to their awaiting locker room, where Cancer Jiles, rising from his seat at their approach, begins clapping enthusiastically, while also maintaining an air of disinterest. The fat man bows theatrically, soaking in the jubilation as Doozer, dour-faced, walks by and straight to the chair in front of his locker.

With a snarl the old man begins ripping his knee pads off and violently throwing them into his locker as if he’s Jonathan Papelbon. Don’t worry, I had to Google who that was too.

Jiles’ clapping slowly fades as he quirks an eyebrow at Bobby Dean, as if asking “what’s his deal?” To which Bobby simply shrugs his meaty shoulders, not having a clue.

Doozer is in the process of removing his shoes in the most temper tantrum-y way, causing Cancer Jiles to sigh, before asking, “What crawled up your butt and died?”

Sitting up with a size 8 adult men’s shoe in hand, he points the toe of the shoe directly at Bobby Dean. “Him! He’s my problem!”

Looking shocked, appalled, and well fat, Bobby Dean gasps, bringing both his hands up to his breast. Cancer walked over and gently rests his arm around the large mans shoulders, but quickly removes it, instead gently patting Bobby on the head, without actually touching the big man. I mean, he did just have a match, and he’s known for perspiring by simply sitting, Cancer should have known better.

“I had that match won!” Doozer exclaims before tossing the shoe in hand into his locker. “I didn’t need him to cheat to win.”

“Woah, woah, woah.” Cancer says while gently patting the air, as if to tell Dooze to pump his brakes. “Pump your brakes man. What’s the first rule of the Bandits?”

“…” Doozer refuses to play along, causing Cancer to look Bobby’s way.

“Cancer is always right.” Bobby says helpfully, causing Cancer to smile.

“No, no, no,” Cancer says chuckling. “It should be, but no, try again.”

“It’s better to ask for forgiveness, than it is to ask for permission,” Bobby recites, probably for the hundredth time.

“Oh shit, that’s right, well what was the second rule?” Jiles asks more himself than anyone else really.

“Second rule of the Bandits is, it’s not cheating until you’ve been DQ’d.” Bobby once again offers helpfully.

Cancer points at Bobby then looks at Doozer as if his point was made. Doozer shakes his head in disgust as he reaches into his locker and grabs a towel along with his toiletries bag. Rising to his feet, scowling at Cancer then towards Bobby, he says, “You know I have no qualms about cheating, when we HAVE to. But it was Solid Gold Rock n Roll and freaking Zion for crying out loud. If we can’t beat ZION, then maybe we should reconsider our life choices?”

“We’ve lost to Zion sooooooooooooooo many times though,” Bobby says sheepishly, causing Doozer to shake his head vehemently while Cancer tries to shush him, saying, “No, no, that was in Chicago, we don’t count Chicago.”

“The point remains,” Doozer begins as he starts towards the nearby showers. “*I* won that match for us. *I* didn’t NEED to cheat to win.”

Muttering under his breath, hoping no one can hear, he says, “Well then *he* can win the next match.”

Cancer can only shake his head.

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ReVival #8
An hour or so later…

It is now Bobby and Doozer’s turn to arise out of their chairs as Cancer Jiles storms in their joint locker room. Scowling, the normally COOL Cancer Jiles marches past his friends and towards his locker.

“Sorry man,” Doozer starts.

Grabbing his stuff from his locker, the COOLYMPIAN then turns and starts towards the exit, but Doozer steps in his path offering his friend a look of sympathy.

“Woah, woah, woah, hold your horses, buddy.” Doozer offers genially.

Cancer looks at his friend as if he were just slapped in the face. To which Bobby simply shakes his head at Doozer’s poor wording.

“Too soon?” Doozer offers with a smile.

Jiles goes to push past his friend and continue on his way towards the exit but Doozer simply doesn’t budge. He’s stubborn that way. “Hey, it’s not the end of the world. So what, you didn’t win, for the second time. So what, you wasted the Golden Ticket. So what, you picked the stipulation and still couldn’t get the job done. So what, you lost to a geriatric Hall of Famer for the most prestigious title in all of PRIME. Again.”

“You’re doing a really bang up job of cheering me up, here Dooze.” Jiles spits with some serious heat.

“Oh, was I supposed to be cheering you up?” Dooze asks with genuine confusion in his voice. “I’ve been sitting here since Youngblood got his hand raised, just thinking to myself, what would Cancer Jiles say to me in this situation. What do you think?”

“Nailed it.” Jiles admitted, with a small smirk on his T-Shades covered face.

“No but really, you lost, so what?” Doozer asks. “You’re Cancer freaking Jiles. You’ll talk your way back into another shot at whatever title you want. Be it the Universal Title again, the Five Star Title, or hell even the ICON title, or the LSD title, or whatever title you want. It’s what you do! I’d say it’s part of your charm, but I don’t know if anyone finds you charming.”

The smirk slowly spreads on Cancer’s face turning into an ear to ear shit eating grin. “Bobby’s mom, she finds me charming.”

Bobby, feeling left out of the conversation decides to join in, “She does. And she says even if you get another title shot, you’ll lose that one too. But it won’t matter, because in the end you’ll still have the Bandits.”

The smile fades, dropping into a scowl as Jiles can’t help but think of a future with no titles, while still being stuck with Bobby Dean riding his coat-tails.

“Yaaaay.” Cancer offers half-heartedly and filled with sarcasm, causing Bobby to smile triumphantly, as if he accomplished his task of cheering up his friend.

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Days Later

Back in the eGG Den, Doozer and GREAT BEAR find themselves seated on the couch, watching in absolute rapture as Leo DiCaprio gets mauled by a large grizzly bear. Booing, Doozer begins to throw popcorn at the television screen as GREAT BEAR roars in glee. The tables are soon turned as Leo shoots at the bear causing Doozer to cheer and GREAT BEAR to look sideways at Doozer.

The two on the couch are enjoying their time together as the popcorn is finished and the credits begin to roll on “The Revenant.” Suddenly the door to the suite opens and “Beautiful” Bobby Dean walks in with Cancer Jiles on his heel. The new additions stop, looking at the scene before them, wondering when the Bandits included a bear, and was the owner of said bear aware of Doozer “borrowing” him for the afternoon?

Answer, no, he was not. But remember, Rule #1 of the Bandits…

“What do we have here?” Jiles asks, switching his gaze from the beat to his friend, then back to the bear.

“Great Bear and I were bonding.” Doozer answers, as if that were the most normal thing a person could say.

“Oh?” Jiles asks, surprised. “Why?”

“Well if we’re expanding the Bandits, we should probably get to know the new additions a bit better, yeah?” Doozer questions.

“I wasn’t aware that we were expanding the Bandits?” Jiles retorts while crossing his arms over his chest. “You’d think the leader of the Bandits would know, no? I’d ask if RICK was coming back, but I refuse to admit he was ever a Bandit to begin with. Perhaps Zeb Martin has lost his piggy bank on the penny stocks? No? Oh, are you finally retiring, Doozey? Or is it you Bobby, are you retiring?”

It was a rhetorical question really, but Bobby doesn’t fully understand rhetoric, as he answers, “Oh no, am I being retired!?”

“See Dooze, look what you’ve done.” Cancer admonishes. “Why can’t you be more of a team player?”

“Team player!?” Doozer jumps to his feet. “Come Great Bear, I hear they’re having a Kung-Fu Panda marathon down the road.” Doozer says as he finds himself pushing past his friends, on his way towards the suite door. Bear climbs up out of the couch and begins to meander along Doozer’s wake in typical bear fashion. A sudden sniff of the air changes everything.

Sniffing the air, the furry creature begins to follow his nose, which, like all things, leads right to Bobby Dean’s crotch. Sniffing at the fat man’s genitals causes Bobby to giggle uncontrollably, while Jiles and Dooze can’t help but watch in dismay.

“Bobby…” Jiles tentatively begins, but shakes his head, refusing to ask the question we’re all wondering.

“Why is the bear sniffing your crotch?” Dooze can’t leave a question unasked. It’s part of his charm.

“We’re bonding?” Bobby asks, unsure if he was presented with a trick question.

Doozer gives him “that” look. You know the look that says I’m seconds away from slapping you upside your head.

“Well, you know, I was researching Saturday Night Specials like you told me, and well,” Bobby stammers while gently pushing the bear’s snout out of his crotch. “Cinnamon, who works down on the strip, offers this amazing deal on Saturday nights that involves honey. It’s kind of funny, not haha funny, more ironic funny, because she’s named Cinnamon, but she dips your nuts in a jar of honey. She calls it “Honey Nuts Cheerios,” and she only offers it on…”

“Saturdays” all three men say simultaneously.

It’s at this moment that Great Bear gives off a mighty roar. Whether from the tension in the room, or the fact that Bobby won’t give him access to his honey covered crotch. Regardless, it’s unsettling.

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I gotta admit something, something that I’ve never admitted out loud before.

I don’t agree with Bandit’s Rule #2…

I never have. Jiles has always been the one to cheat first, try second. Bobby, well, Bobby will do whatever he can to win with the least amount of effort required. Be it cheating or not, I don’t think he truly cares. But me? Cheating to win never sat right with me.

If I cannot win straight up, then do I even deserve to win?