AKA MEET THE NEW BOSS SAME AS THE OLD BOSS
“So who is this?”
Max eyes the woman seated in the chair next to him. She had been there since he had arrived a few minutes earlier at the request of the office’s owner, Usla N. Couth. The horrible old woman sits on the other side of the desk from the PRIME talent and the mysterious woman.
“That’s Violent Purple.”
He blinks at Couth before looking at the woman who waggles her dark eyebrows, the left of which has a piercing through it.
“Come again?” Max queries. “Violet Purple? Isn’t that kind of redundant?”
The woman roars at him as she slams her hands down on the table with enough force to cause everything on its surface to rattle and shift. She moved faster than Max expected and her arms were surprisingly massive. Bigger, Max considered, than his were in proportion to his body. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair as he nods in agreement with her.
“Right, Violent Purple. I see, yes. Wonderful name.”
He nods and then stares at Couth with a strained expression. Usla leans forward, resting her elbows on her desk while clasping her hands together.
“That, little piggy bank, is my niece AND your new bodyguard.”
“Oh that makes sense.” Max said with a sigh of relief.
Couth and Violent seem a bit taken aback by Max’s apparent okayness with it.
“It does?” Couth asks, confused.
Nodding his head enthusiastically Max crossed his legs and peered back at Violent, this time through a new lens.
“Of course. I mean her name is Violent Purple. With a name like that you’re either a metal Prince cover band or a bodyguard. And since we confirmed she is MY bodyguard, I’m cool with it. I’d also be cool with her being in a metal Prince cover band. So yeah, the science is irrefutable.” Kael says as he takes a mental note of Purple’s lack of purple in her outfit. “The only part I’m confused about is the Purple part. Why purple?”
“Purple is my last name, that’s how they work.” Violent chides. “What, were you born last night?”
“NO!” Max scoffs before doing some quick math in his head. “It was, like, three months ago?”
His new bodyguard narrows her eyes toward him, a scowl on her face. You can tell she is trying to discern whether the man next to her is being serious or not. For his part Max fishes his phone out of his pocket and begins to play CandyCrush. Violent looks at her Aunt who seems to shrug off the remark.
“Three months, six hours, seventy five years, what does it matter? Listen, Max, Violent is going to be accompanying you around from now on. I’ve see a lot of that disgusting PRIME roster staring at you with hungry eyes, Max. Hungry, eager eyes, they aaaallll want a piece of you! But I paid for you! You’re MINE! All of you.” Couth hisses while she steeples her boney fingers. “Violent will make sure they stay away from my Piggy Bank. Ain’t nobody in that wretched company going to milk from my retirement fund!”
Violent looks a little perturbed by her Aunt’s unhinged rant about piggy banks and hungry eyes.
“Cool, cool, cool.” Max mutters, the sounds of candy getting crushed chirping from his phone. “Tight, tight, tight.”
Purple holds up the National Football League official hand sign for a time out, our only reference to the NFL Season. In this story anyway.
“Wait, timeout, I need some clarifications answered real quick.” Violent exclaims as she stands from her chair.
Max’s eyes are actually drawn from his game as he watches what he assumed was an average looking woman stretch up into a towering figure. His eyes widened as her muscular frame, not readily visible while she was seated, made him feel all kinds of awkward feelings. Unfamiliar with the sensation Max’s eyes dart back down at his phone as he busies himself with his game.
“First things first.” she proclaims before turning to Max. “You legit believe you are three months old?”
The re-alived rassler sheepishly nods his head without looking up from his game. Violent turns to her Aunt with her brow raised. The confusion was slowly fading over into curiosity.
“And you say paid for Max?”
Couth opens the right hand drawer of her desk and retrieves the bill of sale from the FJPF or the Farthington Jizz Pod Foundation as it was known in the classier circles.
“It’s right there, legal as child brides are in Massachusetts.” Usla spits. “Of which the legal age of marriage is fourteen. Sexy, right?”
Purple regards her Aunt with a look of disgust as she crinkles her nose.
“You can’t own a person.” Violent protests.
“Watch me.” Couth scolds as she slaps her desk with her hand creating a surprisingly loud cracking noise that causes both Violent and Max to flinch. “I don’t think he actually counts as a real person anyway. He’s more like intellectual property and the WHHHOOOOLLLLEEE world wants a piece of my proprietary technology. They want to take money out of my.. OUR pockets.”
The old woman caught herself before she unveiled her otherwise poorly veiled evil plan to exploit Max Kael?, demi-human. Violent narrows her eyes at her Aunt who has her own eyes on Max who has his own eyes on his phone.
“..okay then.” Violent Purple sneers at her Aunt with contempt. She turns and punches Max in the arm. “Gets up, kid, we’re getting out of here.”
Max does his best not to sell the hit. He nods his head, his eyes looking at the puzzle that he couldn’t see because his attention was tracking his bodyguards movement. Once he felt she was no longer able to see him Max silently mouthed a cry of pain and hold his arm where she had slugged him.
“Just where the HELL are you going then?” Couth snapped, a gnarled claw pointing at the back of Violent’s head.
“This guy’s supposed to be a wrestler, right?”
“Supposed? He is! Won his very first match.” Couth replies, proudly.
“Cool, great. He still needs to hit the gym or that body of his is gonna turn into pudding.” Violent pauses when she realizes that Max hasn’t moved from his chair. Her head snaps back around to Kael, a stern expression etched on her face. “Come on!”
Practically falling out of his chair, Max scrambled to his feet and followed his new bodyguard out of the office.
“So do you actually like wrestling?”
Violent asks before she buries her face into a massive hamburger. Max stares at her half in wonder, half in disgust. His brow raises slightly as she begins to aggressively consume the burger.
“Uh.. sure. Maybe not as much as you like that burger but it’s pretty cool I guess?” Kael considers the question a little more carefully, happy to let it distract him from her off putting eating method. “I mean I’ve only wrestled once but, you know, when you’re a professional wrestler you gain powers.”
His bodyguard pauses, about half way through the burger, and looks back up at him. She wants to ask a question but the mouth full of burger keeps it all choked down.
“I know, I know, you’re probably thinking about asking what kind of powers being a professional wrestler grants you.” the exclusive PRIME talent says with a bit of swagger in his voice. “It all really depends on your gimmick and how far up the card you are. Me? Being so newly born I’m still kind of solidifying what I am capable of. My powers are a bit nebulous and will likely be more defined as the story goes on.”
Setting down the burger with a half sense of disgust, Violent retrieves a napkin and begins to clear away the mess from her mouth. Swallowing the contents of her mouth she takes a deep breath.
“..so you’re telling me you get special powers based on the direction your story goes?” she asks incredulously.
“Well I do, I don’t know how it works with other people. I’m a main character, see, and that means I get to enjoy personal growth. In the past I could time travel, shoot lasers out of my eye and I even had a body enhanced by a Chinese super soldier serum.”
The nonchalant delivery is what catches Violent off guard more so than the content of what Max has said. She isn’t entirely sure she believes him but she is convinced he believes what he is saying.
“Oh, hey, I do have one power. Most main characters start out with it.” he says, waggling his eyebrow. Pulling his phone out of his pocket he sets it on the table between the two. “I don’t know who I’m fighting at ReViVal 35. That’s problematic, right?”
Suddenly the phone buzzes, the screen lighting up. It’s a text message from Lindsay Troy. Well, not from Lindsay Troy, it’s an autotext message from the office of Lindsay Troy.
“Ooo I wonder what that could be.” Max says coyly as he picks his phone up and unlocks the screen. As he scans the message, Violent Purple sizes him up with a critical eye. “Hey, look at that. I’m facing Crash Jackson.”
He sets the phone down and folds his hands in his lap. A perplexed expression washes over Max as he realizes he has no idea who the fuck Crash Jackson is. He quickly snatches his phone back up off the table to reread his match for next week.
“Crash Jackson?” he asks rhetorically. Lacking any knowledge Max does what he always does. He goes to the PRIME website and checks out the roster pager.
“Wait, you’re facing somebody and you don’t even know who they are? Haven’t you scouted out the entire roster, Mr. Wrestling-Man?”
Slightly embarrassed Max shakes his head.
“No, uh, I don’t really scout people. So far I’ve just been reading people’s profiles and watching some of their matches but I’ll be real honest, I get bored pretty quickly. I was watching Abe Lips..libswit..I was watching my last opponents matches on youtube but got sidetracked by cross stitch tutorials.” Kael admits. “This guy has even less on him! He even has a cool name.. Crash Johnson. It’s like Smash Cockmom or Crunch Dickdaughter, ya know?”
But she didn’t know. Violent blinks once, very slowly before shaking her head from side to side.
“You really are a fucking kid, aren’t you?” Purple says absolutely gobsmacked. “You really believe you have powers. My Aunt bought you from some kind of third world hospital and she’s making you fight to earn her money.”
She isn’t telling Max so much as saying her theory out loud.
“Woah, woah, woah!” he objected “Listen, lady, I don’t make the rules here. How do you think we ended up here instead of the gym? Sitting in your favorite dive eating your favorite comfort food?”
Her eyes narrow as she glares at him. Her mind traces through the steps on how they arrived here, more than certain the answer was in her memory. She had brought him here to be nice, she told herself, to show him a little kindness that he probably had never experienced.
However she had no memory of actually going through that process. She HAD intended for them to go to the gym and yet once they left the room all she remembered was staring down into her favorite hamburger.
A cold chill runs down her spine as she looks up into Max’s grinning face. He waggled his eyebrows again running his tongue over his pearly white teeth, a low, ominous giggle boiling up.
“It’s okay not to believe me, I get it. I probably sound kinda weird to the average person. But you don’t get a body birthed from the spliced DNA of my previous form and a guy named Cecilworth Farthington, without breaking a few eggs or something. I’m bad with quotes.” he waves off the quote. “The point is I can guide certain elements of the story to fit my needs because I’m the main character here. But only here, there are other stories going on constantly out there and if I cross into those places I’m considerably weaker. In fact, you’d be surprised how many main characters you run into who will never leave their own little spheres. The last time Eric Dane did he murdered somebody’s father with jizz, or so I’m told.”
In truth Max had no idea why he knew that fact. It felt attached to something important, like forgetting the color of your first car.
Oh well, probably nothing. Carry on.
“This is getting really fucking weird.”
“Sister, you’re telling me! I don’t really have all of my memories and they certainly appear to be out of order. All I know is that wrestling is what keeps me alive, literally sometimes I think. I can’t control everything, I can just guide things, like our little meeting here. And I can segue past the gym so let’s avoid that in the future, hm? I prefer metaphorical, mental gymnasiums.” Max purrs as his fingertips tap together excitedly. “But mostly I need you to know what you are getting into if you’re going to be my bodyguard. Weird shit happens around me, I suspect it’s going to get even weirder cause I don’t think I’m supposed to be here. I can feel forces beyond watching me. Their eye is fixed on me though I can not see it. Who knows what they’ll send after me.”
Violent Purple leans back in her chair and crosses her arms, a defiant look in her face.
“You’re right, you are fucking weird. I definitely think you’re probably ill and you believe everything you are saying. I think you got lucky against Abe last week and you’ll need more than luck to beat this Crash, especially if you’re not willing to go to the gym.” she proclaims. “I am going to protect you and from the sound of it, mostly from yourself. My Aunt is definitely taking advantage of you. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.”
Max’s smile falters for a moment as Violent pushes against his narrative. The embarrassing little kid who was afraid to look at her was crawling up into Kael’s throat as her own skepticism caused doubt in his mind. The void left by doubt was quickly filled with an idiots analgesic, anger.
“Fuck you, I don’t need your pity! I’m special!” Max snarls.
“Yeah, but not the way you are hoping.” Violent says with a condescending bat of her eyes.
Max growls beneath his breath as he crosses his arms across his chest. He began to pout as Violent smiled brightly toward her ward.
“So now we’re going to the gym, right?” she says, pushing the half eaten burger away.
“No.” he sniggers with a petulant tone. An idea had formed in the back of his head, a way to delay what was now a seeming inevitability. The Gym was coming.
“No?” she queries, her expression becoming cross.
“Nope. It’s promo time, baby.”
Standing outside of a gym, Max Kael? is wearing neon green and yellow sweat pants and matching tank top. A blue sweat band is tied around his head and he’s got a pair of Walmart brand running shoes on.
“Hey, Crash Johnson. Max Kael? here. Listen, I’m not really sure what to say about you. I don’t know what you look like, I’ve never seen you wrestle and I’ll be honest, some guy named George gave me some kind of expired brownie and I think I told my bodyguard I have wrestling super powers. Pretty cool, right? Unfortunately that means I forgot to check your PRIME profile for more than your name.”
Max looks over his shoulder toward the gym with a sad expression on his face.
“Between you and me the only reason I’m at this gym is to impress my handler’s niece. I guess she’s also my bodyguard but she’s really attractive. I don’t really know how to talk to her though, I thought she might be impressed with my whole professional wrestling career but she doesn’t really take it seriously.”
Turning back to the camera Kael scratches the back of his head nervously.
“So I guess I’m just going to have to wing it against you, Mr. Crash Johnson. Fair warning I do like to cheat so you might want to protect your eyes and your groin. I probably shouldn’t have just admitted to that on camera, I think I still have some of that brownie in my system. Anyway, given that this is going to be your first match I assume you’re going to put your all into it. I’m going to have to move into the shit talking phase of this promo now, but as I said, I didn’t really do any research so.. Good luck me.”
Rolling back on his heels Max sucked his bottom lip thoughtfully as he tried to think of something to say. After a brief moment he snaps his fingers and seems to give himself a congratulatory nod.
“I watched a few episodes of Sherlock the other day so I’m pretty much a master of deduction now. I can deduce, for example, from your name that you are the kind of guy who likes to throw yourself around the ring. Probably one of them high flyer, technical kind of guys. That’s great, I love that for you, I bet you look real good flying around the ring like every other ring rat. Not my thing, personally.”
He holds up his fists, examining the both with a half smile.
“I prefer to throw them bones, such as it were. Send an elbow right to the jaw. Smash my forearm into the back of someone’s skull, feel the muscle and the tissue buckle beneath the force. Feel their body turn to jelly as they crumble to the ground. Over and over again. Like a butcher hacking away at meat and bone, I like it. Actually I liked it three weeks ago. After what I did to Abe I can safely say I love it.”
The doors to the gym are knocked open as Violent Purple steps out, her arms crossed across her chest. Max turns then winces, looking back at the camera.
“Oh shit, gotta wrap this up. Uh.. too long, didn’t read, I’m gonna fuck you up but I still love you, Crash.”
He definitely winks before awkwardly running toward the entrance of the gym. Something half between a Naruto run but with more arm flailing induced by the weird brownie.
He’ll probably be fine by ReViVal 35.