Correspondence with The Bear
Posted on 02/15/23 at 1:02pm by Ivan Stanislav
Below are various forms of correspondence that cross the desk of Ivan Stanislav, complete with notations from Ivan to his assistants and associates, of course, in red.
MEMORANDUM FOR: Praporshchik Ivan Sergeiovich Stanislav – Russian Ground Forces (Retired from Active Duty)
SUBJECT: Status of Operation: “Spyashchiy Medved (Sleeping Bear)” (UPDATED)
Allow me to be one of the first to congratulate you on your successes in PRIME. You have exceeded virtually all of our expectations. The Russian Ground Forces and The Russian People thank you for your continued selfless service to the Motherland. Despite frequent setbacks, perpetrated by third-party forces hell-bent on preventing Russian victory, you have persevered and triumphed when no others would.
I wish to take this moment to let you know that all are in your debt for your continued service.
Though your status is currently listed as “retired” in The Ground Forces, should you continue your meteoric rise, the following considerations will be made:
-An honorary promotion from Praporshchik to Starshy Praporshchik.
-Recommendation for receipt of the Hero of the Russian Federation. This would be contingent on absolute victory and achievement of highest title in PRIME. Note: Universal Title.
-Adjustments of personal percentage of funds from PRIME contract. Lessening of funds donated to Russian citizenry. Increasing funds sent to personal account. Note: The State would continue to receive the current distribution of funds with no changes.
Continue to dominate the competition, Praporshchik, and dispel the lies about our people and continue bringing pride to our country. Mother Russia is proud of you and Agent Ruslan.
For the Motherland,
-Arina: When I receive the opportunity to change the percentage of funds allocated, make no changes. Keep current levels where they are.
-Yanukovich: Order a picture frame for eventual photo of myself with the Universal Title.
To: Praporshchik Stanislav
From: Doctor I. Gorolov
Subject: Medical Evaluation
Allow me to congratulate you on a stellar recent physical examination. I am amazed at the level of physical fitness, considering your advanced* age. However, in my personal opinion I would recommend certain precautions for future competition.
-Knee braces are recommended. It is well documented that your competitors specifically target your knees, which are under great strain due to your immense size and power. You have not fully recovered from your competition vs. C. Avalon last November. He put tremendous strain on your knee during that bout. Please consider wearing knee braces.
Otherwise, I find you in peak physical condition. Thank you for your continued service to The Motherland. I look forward to watching continued matches!
-Alexei: See * above. That was not necessary. Gorolov could have simply stated “age.” Remember how Comrade Stalin distrusted scheming doctors? I do not prescribe to this “knee brace” theory. Can you do me a favor and check Gorolov’s background? I do not believe he is a reputable doctor. Maybe check his associates as well. And his family. Appreciated!
P.S. It may be worthwhile to check up on his neighbors as well as all faculty who taught him “medicine.”
To: Praporshchik Stanislav
From: Property Manager I. Nikolayev
We have received your repeated requests for repairs of the leaking ceiling in your office. We have received them from both assistants Yanukovich Yanovich and Arina Timofeyevna. We are dreadfully behind repairing high-priority issues in your building and other buildings which fall under our responsibility. I assure you this is high on our priority list. Thank you for your continued patience. No additional messages are required.
-Arina/Yanu: Send this moron a message every day. Do not stop. I am on the verge of doing the repairs myself! I did not fight for Russia my entire life to deal with a dripping roof!!! It is maddening!!!
To: Praporshchik Stanislav
From: Office of President Putin
We have received your request for a public commendation for Agent A. Ruslan. Unfortunately, due to the nature of his work and status as an agent of our country, we cannot give such a public commendation.
Assistant to the President’s Office
(The following card has pictures drawn all over the margins. They appear to be drawn by elementary students. They are of cartoon bears, hearts, flowers, and stick figures flying through the air)
“Thank you for protecting us from the evil westerners. We love you, Praporshchik Stanislav!!!”
-Mrs. Korgov’s 4th Grade Class
-Elementary School No. 489
-Arina: This is thoughtful. Please send Mrs. Korgov’s class some money for new books and desks. Also send them a picture of myself throwing Hayes Hanlon out of the wrestling ring. I will autograph it before it is sent.
(This letter had no return address, and the words were scrawled hastily)
!!!!!FUCK YOU PRAPORSHCHIK IVAN STANISLAV! HAYES HANLON DEFEATED YOU AND I LAUGH AT YOUR MISFORTUNE!!!!!
-Alexei: Do what you can to track this person. No return address was given. Counter-productive talk. Does nothing to help any Russian endeavors. It is probably best they not have a means to do so in the future.
-Additionally: It may be best to make sure any of their kin do not share the same sentiments. Err on the side of guilt if need be, as I know you are apt to do. Appreciated!
To: Praporshchik Ivan Sergeiovich Stanislav
From: Olga Karishnikov- Anchor “Russia Today”
This is Olga Karishnikov. I was the anchor who interviewed you prior to your match vs. Christopher America for the PWA-1 event. Congratulations on your victory against Mr. America, and I have now watched your previous and future matches since the event. Very impressive!
I would love to have another interview with you. Might you have the time in your schedule? If it is difficult during “official” hours, I am more than happy to meet for a more casual interview. Perhaps over dinner?
I have enclosed my business card. Please check the back. I have written my personal phone and email address just in case. Use either at any time.
I am very much looking forward to speaking with you again, Ivan,
-Yanu: Schedule a meeting with Ms. Karishnikov. No after hours meeting is necessary at this time. I can go to Moscow, or she can come to Kaliningrad. Make the arrangements. Send a message to Agent Ruslan. Check on her background. And the background of her family. Be quick about this! Keep her card in my files. No need for use of her personal email or phone. Why would she give me that??