Posted on 04/02/22 at 5:44pm by Private: Mikey Unlikely
Event: CULTURE SHOCK 2022
Private: Mikey Unlikely
In the hallway of Las Vegas’ MGM Grand, on the 28th floor, a gentleman in a red vest and powder white gloves pushes a food cart down the hallway. The floors are spotless, the hallway well lit, and the small metal wheels squeak now and again as he moves past each room. He wheels until he reaches a large white door with the room number 2808 on it. In rehearsed fashion, he angles the cart so it can enter the room and gently knocks on the door.
*Rap, rap, rap*
He listens for a response but doesn’t find one right away. Curiously he listens again, pressing his ear to the door this time. After a moment he pulls the staff key card off of his belt and slides it in front of the scanner.
The light turns green and the door unlocks. He flips the handle and wheels the cart into the room. He slows down and eventually stops in his tracks. The camera reveals the rest of the room and we see The Hollywood Bruvs in all of their glory.
No… they’re not naked, weirdos.
Mikey Unlikely stands on one bed with what appears to be a giant staff in his hands. Upon further inspection it’s a hotel room floor lamp with the shade ripped off, and the bottom unscrewed. He’s trying to use it to leverage off a ventilation shaft near the ceiling. He’s clearly sweating and tired. His eyes go wide when he sees the man enter the room.
JFK on the other hand has given up on their attempts at escape. He’s sitting on the bed shirtless, remote in hand, jaw on the ground. Not because of the hotel worker, but because of what’s gracing his television screen.
Kendrix: Best hotel stay ever! Six seasons of Lost in just under four days and it turns out they were dead this whole time! I totally called it after the first season.
The room is absolutely trashed, beyond the random clothes, towels, and bathroom amenities strewn about the floor, it appears that they’ve tried to chip away at all the windows and even the doors to other rooms.
MIkey Unlikely: Jesse…..THE DOOR!
Time appears to have slowed right down as the Bruvs turn their heads, their mouths opened in anticipation. The American bruv jumps off the bed and goes for the door but it shuts before he can get there. He falls to his knees in agony and desperately reaches his arm out in the direction of the door.
Mikey Unlikely: NOOOOOOOOOO! OH! SO CLOSE I COULD TASTE IT! WE’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS SUITE! IT’S BEEN TOO LONG! ITS SO INHUMANE!
Kendrix: Huh, just think, if I didn’t tell you my Lost theory we probably would have had time to escape before the door closed.
Mikey looks back at his bruv annoyed.
Mikey Unlikely: We’re literally going to die in here, Bruv!
The hotel worker points at the door before telling the Bruvs some breaking news.
Room Service: The door isn’t locked you guys…
Mikey Unlikely: Yeah…OK guy! Suuuuuure it isn’t!
He scoffs and looks at Jesse.
Kendrix: Yea Bruv, they told us we’re stuck here. Survivor, have you ever even heard of it!?
He makes a face at the guy.
Room Service: You can get out anytime… you DID try the door right!?
The Bruvs stare at one another trying to think of a time they did just that. The MGM employee walks over and turns the handle, pulling the door open in the process. Mikey cannot believe it.
Mikey Unlikely: Foiled again!
Room Service: You’re confined to the floor, not your suite. You also have two other bedrooms attached to this main room…
Kendrix: So we didn’t need to sleep on the couch together last night?
Unlikely shakes his head and does a ssshhhh motion to JFK.
Kendrix: What? It was the best night’s sleep we’ve both had in ages and you know it.
Unlikely nods admittedly, he points to the MGM guy.
Mikey Unlikely: It really was. Even he knows it. That’s how much people know it.
Shaking his head the worker gets down to business.
Room Service: Gentlemen, we’ve prepared your dinner and drinks for this evening.
As he’s talking Mikey Unlikely jumps down behind the cart.
Room Service: I believe you’ll find everything you need here on this tray.
Kendrix: Did you bring our Haribos?
The curtain on the cart shuffles a bit and the guy starts to look over it but JFK is quick to interject once more.
Kendrix: Both the bears and the worms?
Room Service: Yes sir, as requested we were able to obtain your requested snacks.
Fist pump from JFK. The room service guy places the tray on the small table, and goes to turn around with the cart. It’s suddenly incredibly heavy, despite the fact he just removed all the food from it. After two or three lurching steps, he stops and pulls the curtain on the cart up to look underneath. There he finds Mikey Unlikely once again trying to escape the room by cart.
Room Service: Sir, if you’ll please…
Mikey Unlikely: FINE! Fine!
Jesse looks through his wallet but it’s empty.
Kendrix: Bruv, you got any money for a tip? I used all mine…we only had two days worth of toilet paper in here.
Unlikely stands up and brushes off his clothes.
Mikey Unlikely: Yea i got you JFK! Here’s a tip! If you want money from people, help them escape! GET OUT!
He crowds the room service gentlemen until he leaves. Pulling the cart out with him. Once the door shuts behind him, Mikey slowly opens it again and to his surprise it does pull right open. He lets out a shout of frustration, and turns back to Kendrix.
Mikey Unlikely: You told me you tried the door!
Kendrix: No I said I tried the who…
Mikey Unlikely: OK! OK! OK! Well it turns out we can leave the room, and possibly explore the rest of the floor. I guess it’s full of other Survivors though.
JFK stands up and starts shadowboxing in place. He mumbles under his breath.
Kendrix: The Eye of the Tiger!
Mikey shakes his head.
Mikey Unlikely: Not the BAND “Survivor”… other wrestlers!
Kendrix: Ugh, this is the worst… first I find out we CAN leave, then it’s that the band Survivor ISN’T even here! Ooooh, maybe we can ask Destiny’s Child for some advice. You know Beyonce, right?
Unlikely is quick to nod.
Mikey Unlikely: Now that’s not a bad idea. Let me get Queen B on the old celly… WAIT WHERE’S MY PHONE!?
Kendrix: You threw it out the window because you couldn’t get the hotel wifi working.
Mikey slaps his palm against his head.
Mikey Unlikely: DAMMIT, EVERY TIME! Well listen, let’s not worry about these other “Survivors” on the floor at all. We’re undefeated in PRIME, Obvs!
Kendrix: Totally Obvs! We’re the Hollywood Bruvs! When people think about the Hollywood Bruvs, what do they think of?
The Bruvs begin to list off their finger digit things.
Mikey Unlikely: Greatest Tag Team of all time!
Kendrix: Ruggedly handsome!
Mikey Unlikely: Super big brains!
Kendrix: Mikey Money!
Mikey Unlikely: Frapp Life!
Kendrix: But the very first thing they automatically think is…Survivors! We’ve survived so much in our careers.
Holding up fingers they begin to count once more.
Mikey Unlikely: The untimely passing of our favorite hedgehog bruv… Mikey Unspikey!
Jesse sheds a tear for the little guy.
Kendrix: When we shook hands and formed Dynasty!
They shake hands again for the piss of it.
Mikey Unlikely: When Starbucks ran out of caramel syrup!
JFK shudders recalling the awful events that took place on that terrible terrible day.
Kendrix: When we couldn’t find a frapp for miles, so we had to settle for Wawa coffee.
Unlikely spits on the floor, he can still taste the Wawa coffee.
Mikey Unlikely: But most importantly, we’ve survived an industry that continuously insists on boring the masses with wrestling for some reason? UGH, WE HATE WRESTLING!
Kendrix: It’s the absolute worst! Curse our natural abilities, money making faces and loveable charm for this stupid sport! UGH!
Jesse kicks out at thin air in pure frustration.
Mikey Unlikely: But this… This might be our chance Jesse! This “Survivor” thing, it’s NOT WRESTLING! It’s competition, it’s athletic ability, it’s a testament of your will, it’s…EN-TER-TAIN-MENT!
He waits a beat.
Mikey Unlikely: And that’s where we thrive!
Jesse’s eyes light up at the very thought.
Kendrix: My god…you mean…we did it? We finally did it Mikey?! All those years of winning everything whilst doing the least amount of work possible to achieve it has finally paid off?!
Mikey nods along excitedly.
Kendrix: You mean to tell me that all the effort we put into our one match in PRIME, a match we were forced to compete in because we had no choice, has finally paid off?!
Mikey Unlikely: All those attempts at quitting, all those great negotiating skills, all the mindless meetings with our lawyers, all led to this…. WE’RE ON A REALITY SHOW, BRUV!
The Bruvs jump into the air in unison and participate in a manly man hug. Jesse pats his Bruv on the back.
Kendrix: You know what, Bruv. It’s so nice to finally be in a company that appreciates the Hollywood Bruvs and what we stand for. It only took one undefeated match, where we did absolutely no wrestling whatsoever, for them to see what we’re all about and how much money we can make together!
Mikey holds a hand up.
Mikey Unlikely: Now hold on there Bruv… we have to realize, this is a brand new audience for us. A whole new market for us to capture. You know what that means? We’re going to need one thing.
JFK shouts it out.
Kendrix: A NEW CATCHPHRASE!
The scene fades as Mikey grabs a pad of hotel provided sticky notes and a pen. JFK starts rubbing the hairs on his chin while thinking of new catchphrase suggestions.