Private: Bradlee Nelson
Hello Fanbros and Fanbroettes, it’s been a long time since we’ve been able to bring you the Totally Tubular Duo. Today we find our most excellent excellers of waves walking down a totally normal hallway. You know the hallway, overly corporate, standard drop ceiling, those same ceiling tiles you find in the morgue but also at the pre-school. The fluorescent lighting with the one light that kind of flickers but you’re not really sure if it’s flickering but you’re pretty sure it could be flickering. That hallway.
Bowie Abrams: I can’t believe you did it again dude…
Bradlee Nelson: We’ve been over this how many times Bowie? I’m bad at paperwork.
Our bodacious broseidons of the brocean have been away in far off lands doing far out things. But today they return to us, with a similar, entirely unfamiliar conversation.
Bowie Abrams: Our name is Surf Express, bro.
Bradlee Nelson: DUDE I KNOW! I’VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS!
Bowie Abrams: That’s the problem
The bodacious one looks towards the tubular one quizzically.
Bradlee Nelson: Bro, how can that even be the problem?
Bowie Abrams: It’s Surf Express, Bro. Not Surf Express Bro.
Bradlee Nelson: Yeah, I always forget the comma when I write it on the form dude. You know how it is man, I tell you everytime we do this. I’m bad at paperwork.
Bowie, our always optimistic pseudo leader, places his hand squarely against his forehead. He inhales deeply, thinking of the salty smell of the sea while he counts to ten.
Bowie Abrams: How did you write down BRO at the end, AGAIN.
Bradlee Nelson: DUUUUUDE! I just write how I’d talk, you know, the words leave the mouth and vomit onto the paper, Bro.
Bowie Abrams: Wait… you say everything you write?
Bowie reaches into the chest pocket of his light blue hawaiian shirt covered in palm trees. He produces a pen, and as the two continue to walk, manages to snag a post-it that happened to be placed on someone’s door. A hastily made DO NOT ENTER sign has now turned into a test for Bradlee. Bowie thrusts it into his hands.
Bowie Abrams: Dude, write our team name.
Bradlee Nelson: Bro, I gotta like sit down or something. What am I supposed to write it on?
Bowie Abrams: The wall dude, just use the wall.
Bradlee pins the DO NOT ENTER sign to the wall with his hand and clicks the pen. Looking like Michael Jordan in the NBA finals, tongue out, slightly turned upward, he begins to write.
Bradlee Nelson: SURF… EXPRESS… BRO…
He sounds the words out as he scrawls them in barely legible handwriting onto the paper. Bowie looks at him and nods his head.
Bowie Abrams: Okay bro, write YOUR name.
Bradlee Nelson: Bradlee… Nelson… Dude… E… S… Q…
Bowie shakes his head, he looks at the sheet of paper and looks up at Bradlee. He looks back down, then looks back up. This repeats like some type of cartoon moment that isn’t funny anymore but then slowly grows funnier and funnier while they keep doing it. I’m not here to tell you what’s funny, I’m just explaining the hilarity in the moment. You know what I mean right? It’s like the laugh track in the background of the old TV shows.
Bowie Abrams: You do this for everything?
Bradlee snatches the paper out of the blonde bombers hands and pins that piece of paper to the wall again.
Bradlee Nelson: YES… I… DO… BR… HEY I WAS USING THAT!
Bowie snatches the paper away. The two most recognizable rollers of swells puff out their chest like we are ready to watch Bradlee Nelson dive through a real nice barbershop window like a coward to get away from Bowie Abrams. The two stare for a moment, intensely. The tension builds, and then our Broiest Boys of Bro smile and hug each other. You know that sappy war movie hug that always happens where the two men are at odds, but they are still best friends ever and nobody or anything could ever change that? That hug.
Bowie Abrams: Bro, you might struggle with the writing, and like, the stuff all the people we copied our homework off of back in Pocatello, but like, you’re still always my best bro.
Bradlee nods his head, his early 90’s style sunglasses almost fall off of his nose but he’s able to save them. He grabs his shark tooth necklace, and Bowie grabs his own. The two Bro’s tap the necklace together and engage in a secret handshake only two stupid little boys who have known each other their entire lives could love. Overhead, underhand, behind the back, with the twist, between the legs, jumping, spinning, and ending in a high five. The Priests of the Pacific take a moment to collect themselves, before continuing down the hallway.
Bowie Abrams: What does E-S-Q mean anyway dude?
Bradlee Nelson: Well smart people use it dude, so like, I assume it means Extremely Skilled and Qualified.
A small pause for a moment while Bowie assumes the thinking pose that the famous thinkers like to use. He bobs his head and smiles that stupid, wonderful, goofy smile that makes all the women go wild.
Bowie Abrams: Dude, that makes so much sense.
Outside the Las Vegas strip is lit up by an incredibly bright sun. The pavement looks to be almost shivering with the heat coming off of it. The bodacious broheims stand in all their glory, flowered board shorts, no shirts, epic tans on display, and a merch table at the pool. Blue totes are stacked behind the Bros, with different t-shirt designs expressing their broness. Even a lime green and blue foam surfboard has made it along for the ride.
Bowie Abrams: Dude, you were totally right.
Bradlee Nelson: About what my guy?
Bowie Abrams: About buying out all this stuff when we left Cleveland. I mean we waited till it was on clearance and scooped it all up.
Bradlee stares at Bowie for a moment and shakes his head as he turns and smiles with a patron at the MGM Grand pool complex. His brilliant bright whites shine as the patron snaps a selfie.
Bradlee Nelson: I mean dude, you are right. It was totally a brilliant, diabolical, fantastic scheme perpetrated by me. However, we did have to live in Cleveland for another few months so I dunno if it was worth it dude.
Bowie Abrams: But dude, we got to build a snow man, ride a mechanical bull, get hit by some Amazing Atom Smasher a bunch and sail off into the sunset. And now we’re gonna have so much money…
Bradlee Nelson: Bro, so much dough.
Bradlee picks up a few twenties and shakes them at Bowie.
Bowie Abrams: Dude, this place is so awesome, look dude it’s that fancy Hayes guy!
The Bros wave frantically to Hayes Hanlon as he does his interview at the pool. The conversation seems to be enthralling. Finally after a few minutes Bowie turns to Bradlee and points towards Hayes Hanlon.
Bowie Abrams: Bro, we gotta make friends with that guy.
Bradlee Nelson: Dude, look at him. Big, strong, looks like a real nice dude. I bet he knows some guys who know some guys who can… yeah for sure… That guy knows…
Bowie Abrams: Bro, grab him a foam surfboard…
Bradlee points at Bowie and nods, acknowledging the brilliant idea Bowie just had. He jumps over grabbing the neon green foam surfboard. Then the two look up, expecting Hayes Hanlon to walk by at any moment…
Bradlee Nelson: BRO NOOOOOO!
Bowie Abrams: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
As Hayes Hanlon walks through a different one of the pools many exits, the two Bro’s howl into the sun as if they were coyotes howling in the desert night, or probably more appropriately like they were scorned lovers in a famous movie that I cannot remember right now and they are watching their best friend and lover die an untimely death before they got to kiss and make up. Bowie turns around towards Bradlee, and the two bro’s get to their feet. Bowie sighs deeply.
Bowie Abrams: So who is our opponent next week.
Bradlee Nelson: Well about that…
LISTEN UP DUDES! It’s the Bodacious one, B-R-A-D-L-E-E N-E-L-S-O-N dude. And like I’m so excited for my first ever opponent in PRIME wrestling. You might be the King of Blueberries, and that’s all well and good dude. I’m glad Blueberries have a king, that’s pretty neat. And like I’m sure you have like an entire blueberry court with like, the oldest and wisest of the blueberries in them.
Cause thats what I’d do if I was a King dude. I would definitely surround myself with the oldest and wisest of all my subjects. They’d be so in touch with the rest of the world, and like know exactly what they should do in any serious situation. Because they are like Master Splinter, old and totally wise.
I heard you were like double royalty. Dude, like, I couldn’t imagine even being one royal. But like dude, being two royal things? Lording over Blueberries and Popsicles? That’s an awful lot of lording Blue dude. So like, how does this all work, like do you guys get together and pass laws on behalf of blueberries and popsicles?
Wait, are you like the God of the freezer?
Dude, listen, I listen to that guy with the spikey hair on TV. And he always tells me about how great fresh produce is. Are you like making your subjects suffer a lack of tastiness because they are forced to be in the freezer with the popsicles? And like, don’t get me wrong dude, I’m sure frozen blueberries are really delicious. I could probably eat like a solid hundred of them right now, but like, you know, you’re lowering their potential.
I thought a great leader was supposed to lift your subjects up? You know, like King Arthur. Make them greater than what they are or whatever?
YOU TOTALLY DO THAT. YOU HAVE THEM BECOME LITTLE MINI BLUEBERRY POPSICLES~!
Bro, that’s so dope of you to be so understanding and forward thinking. Look at you man, you’re like letting the fruits and popsicles live in harmony. That’s like, really far out and cool man. I never thought that fruits and popsicles would really be friends. But like, I guess what greater cause could you have than becoming a little tasty mini-popsicle.
I totally get it now dude.
Wow man, that’s just so wild.
I might be the King of Kowabunga, but like dude, if you need to like borrow some of Kowabunga to make better little mini blueberry popsicles I’d totally let you. That’d be real neat if we could get some Kowabunga Mini-Blueberry Popsicles. I bet they’d be a big hit, and sell real well. Anyway, I’m going to go back to doing this weird surfing simulator and trying to find a homeless guy carrying some product.
Oh yeah, I’m gonna like beat you or something, I guess? I mean like, this is a pretty scary situation. You’re the champion, you defeated all these people, you’re the SURVIVOR. Dude, this is gonna be wild. Anyway, take it easy dude!